Professional playground-trawler Caroline Flack has once again been spotted tongue wrestling with a foetus; this time, 23-year-old singer Sam McCarthy.

Despite take every precaution not to be spotted, eg. Standing in a public street outside a pub, the ‘couple’ were papped fondling each other outside the Crown & Goose pub in Camden.

While we’re happy to admit that at 32, she’s hardly Saturday night TVs answer to J. Howard Marshall, we can’t help but think there’s something wrong with a woman who constantly preys men with personalities as underdeveloped as their testicles.

While kids these days do have the best toys – Lego has come on leaps and bounds in recent years, it’s hard to see what she’s getting out of dating someone young enough to actually care that’s she’s on the X Factor.

The last time we spoke to anyone under 25 we had to spend the rest of the afternoon translating what was said using Urban Dictionary like some sort of Rosetta Stone.

She obviously misread the memo telling her that women in their early thirties are going to start to want kids.

Things older than Caroline Flack’s last two boyfriends:

• Webcams
• A Kardashian marriage
• That weird lump of gristle in the back of the fridge
• The baby from the Nirvana album
• Pamela Anderson’s breast implants

Think on.

The news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were getting divorced saw unprecedented sorrow in the hecklerspray hovel. We couldn’t believe that such a perfect couple had split without reminding us that they were an item in the first place. Very distressing.

So what caused this awful rift between two gulpingly attractive superhumans?

Well, Jennifer Lopez made a massive, massive mistake. She forgot that you’re only allowed to be attractive while wooing your husband. After that, you must stop being attractive at all, even if your work depends on it and, dare we say it, that was the thing that attracted your beau to you in the first instance.

It has been reported in magazines that are better at keeping a straight face than us, that Marc was all kinds of objecting to Lopez’s sexy wardrobe. No, we don’t mean that the wardrobe itself was lust-inducing, but rather, the clothes that hung in it were rather scanty or figure-hugging.

Some div says:

“He would make her feel terrible about herself if she wanted to wear something sexy. He likes her to dress in a demure, ‘wife’ style. He hated the fact that she was a sex symbol.”

A different idiot agrees:

“Marc has always been a very dominating husband. He wants to control everything Jennifer does.”

Elsewhere, a completely different mole added, given faux-credence to the whole thing:

“She tried so hard to make this marriage work. She put up with – and kept putting up with – Marc’s controlling ways, which had been going on for a long time, and she was really trying to make the best of it.”

Of course, this story is designed to make the stupid reader think ‘Yeah. That’s exactly what it’s like for me too. And many other woman no doubt! Men are very controlling aren’t they? Our Ryan goes mad when I wear low-cut tops! Cuh! Men!‘, which of course, is complete cowpiss as both sexes are obviously mental and controlling when the mood takes them.

Right? Haha! Are we having fun readers?

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You know that Taylor Momsen, that teenage girl who acts seems to spend most of her life acting like a bit of a slag, wearing too much eye makeup and singing in that band that you still haven’t heard of? Well she’s been up to her old tricks again.

The Pretty Reckless singer, who used to be some sort of television star had previously gotten her underage baps out at a gig, gave a rather steamy lapdance to a female fan at a gig in Barcelona and even allowed another fan to give her chesticles a good ol’ fashioned grope.

ROCK N’ ROLL!

It’s probably worth pointing out that Momsen is still only 17. So don’t try looking for a video of the alleged incident, unless you want to find yourself on the sex offender’s register.

Taylor has managed to pack a lot in to her brief period of teenage rebellion; As we previously stated, she bared her breasts during a live show, cremated her dog’s testicles, accused her parents of ruining her life before making a U-turn that would make a politician blush and now she’s started engaging in sexual activity with her own fans.

We can’t help but wonder where all this is heading though. We can only assume that the second Momsen turns 18 she’s going to host an orgy the likes of which even Charlie Sheen wouldn’t be able to comprehend.

One thing’s for sure though, Taylor’s latest lewd incident isn’t going to hurt ticket sales for The Pretty Reckless’ current European Tour, which is where the Barcelona Boob Grope took place. In fact, you probably stopped reading this ages ago so you could check the dates for the tour, didn’t you?

After all, who cares about the feelings of a young girl who’s grown up way too fast and is obviously crying out for some sort of help when she can be used as both a cash cow AND jailbait wank bank material!?

You make us sick.

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Celebrity boob enthusiasts! We don’t mind if you don’t want to read these words and get straight to the mammaries. Yes. There’s a picture of Jennifer Lopez’s right boob over the jump. Honestly. Go straight there. You’ll miss some jokes but the traffic is all good.

Right. For those of you who remain and want to see what words we’ll write about J-Lo’s right buster, we’re all poised like a coiled sponge to disappoint.

So what’s happening? Well, the American Idol judge allowed her bubular to hang out while appearing on a German TV show, clearly enjoying the fact that they’re all sexually liberated over there with their porn films, hairy genitalia and their penchant for tanga briefs.

While promoting her new album (no, we had no idea either – nothing on it will be as good as Jenny From The Block or If You Had My Love, betcha), Lopez decided to expose herself a little too much.

The boob happened after J-Lo appeared in a horse drawn carriage for the live filming before discovering that the wind and floaty clothing don’t often get along.

Initially, it looked like Lopez was going to flash her famous bottom (which very nearly appeared in a sex tape recently) at everyone, but the host saved the day. Well done.

Then her boob fell out. See for yourself.

Image via stylejacking

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Since their reunion last year, the planet has been clamouring for Led Zeppelin to keep it going and take a tour around the world.

And Led Zeppelin listen to their fans, which is why – at long last – the Led Zeppelin world tour has finally been announced. Imagine that – Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones and John Bonham, all together again at last to smash through their hits for millions of fans around the planet. Except for John Bonham and Robert Plant, anyway – one’s dead and one can’t really be bothered.

But nevertheless, the two other members of Led Zeppelin are going on tour anyway, and they’re hiring a stand-in singer to take Robert Plant’s place. By our calculations, this means that in terms of quality the Plantless Led Zeppelin tour will fall somewhere between their Live Aid set with Phil Collins and that weird Olympic thing that Jimmy Page did with Leona Lewis. Talk about a win-win!

Probably the band we have the most respect for in the entire world is Queen. A little thing like their iconic lead singer dying of AIDS didn’t stop them from being able to make money – they just hired a new singer and toured a slightly ropey karaoke-style version of their greatest hits around, even though nobody alive could be expected to enjoy it. Genius.

However, Queen might be about to be usurped from their thrones, because Led Zeppelin have decided to go one better. Ever since they reformed last December at the O2, there’s been an inter-band struggle between Robert Plant; who thought the reunion should be a one-off – and the rest of the band; who want to tour their arses off, record a new album and generally earn enough money to keep them in fanny-sized mudsharks until the day they pop their clogs.

With the band at such a crucial impasse, someone had to make a tough decision. Does Led Zeppelin keep its dignity and refuse to tour unless everyone is involved, or does it sell out, hire a random shitcake stand-in singer and rake in the cash hoping nobody notices?

Oh. The second one. NME reports:

Led Zeppelin will tour with a replacement for founding singer Robert Plant, bassist John Paul Jones has confirmed… Jones has now told BBC Radio Devon that the band are trying out “a couple” of alternative singers for a proposed tour. “We want to do it,” he explained. “It’s sounding great and we want to get on and get out there.”

Apparently one of the replacement singers that Led Zeppelin are trying out is Myles Kennedy, a man who may as well be that turd out of Nickelback from what we’ve been able to work out.

Maybe Led Zeppelin will stick to one replacement singer, or maybe they’ll work on a rotation scheme like Have I Got News For You. Let’s hope it’s the latter, because if there’s anyone who we’d like to hear roar through Communication Breakdown it’s these guys.

But the main question is, if Led Zeppelin are really going to go through with these plans to tour without Robert Plant, can they really still call themselves Led Zeppelin? We don’t think so, and so we’ve drawn up a shortlist of five potential new names for the band to choose from:

1 – Not Zeppelin

2 – Half Of Led Zeppelin, The Dead Bloke’s Son And Someone Who May As Well Be That Turd Out Of Nickelback From What We’ve Been Able To Work Out

3 – Velvet Revolver

Take your pick, chaps.

Natalie Cole is lucky because she never has to catch a cold again.

It’s because her immune system is now naturally fortified with boat loads of Hepatitis C. This is excellent for her on several different levels. She’ll no longer have to spend hundreds of dollars on oranges every winter – that’s nice for her. She can put that saved money right into studio-time.

Also, no more nights stuck awake because her chest is sticky with Vapo-rub, and she can take all those old, crusty lozenges out of her sock drawer. Like we said, Cole is lucky on many levels – not the least of which… What’s that? Hepetitis C is some sort of ailment? It has lousy side effects and doesn’t calm any winter-time stuffed-up misery? We’ve got it all wrong?

Well don’t we just feel ridiculous.

When Tommy Lee’s body probably first invented Hepatitis C, the world didn’t know what to think. On the one hand AIDS and mouth cancer already took up so much of our time we just didn’t think we would ever need a brand new disease again. On the other hand – Tommy made it, and everything he touches turns to bonafide gold. Except, you now, music and albums and basically anything rhythmic.

Then Pamela Anderson came down with the disease from a rusty tattoo needle, and we realised for the first time it could be considered quite fashionable to contract it.

As if that wasn’t enough, Steven Tyler got it a few years later, and we were like ‘Whoa… Where is everybody getting this wonderful disease?!”

And now Natalie Cole has found a screaming deal on the sickness somewhere. This is unconfirmed, but we heard she got it at 30% off. Again, that was unconfirmed. What’s not unconfirmed is that the disease seems far more solemn than the Lee’s make it look. According to Reuters:

“Grammy-winning singer Natalie Cole has been diagnosed with Hepatitis C and says she probably contracted the liver disease from drug use more than 30 years ago.”

While her publicist says:

“The virus, found during a routine examination, is likely the result of [Cole's] drug use many decades ago.”

The symptoms for the Hep are fatigue, muscle aches and Arabic men walking down the sidewalk towards you, obviously making eye contact but refusing to move out of your way, and when your paths finally cross they shoulder-bump you and you’re left wondering what the world is coming to, and why young people feel the need to be so rude.

Also, dehydration is a symptom.

OK everyone, you can put the nature vs nurture debate to bed now – the newly-discovered illegitimate half-sister of Lindsay Lohan proves that it's definitely nature.

Why? Because even though 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann – the girl apparently sired by Michael Lohan during a month-long affair – was raised in a completely separate environment to Lindsay Lohan and Ali Lohan, she's still labouring under the mistaken belief that she's going to be a huge pop star.

According to reports, Ashley Kaufmann is busy trying to crack the music industry and has already made a number of approaches to record companies. Poor Ashley Kaufmann – we wonder if she's realised that she's genetically predestined to end up face down in a pile of drugs midway through an emotionally hollow Dionysian pansexual orgy yet. 

Call it a hunch, but we get the feeling that Michael Lohan likes women of an unbearably obnoxious bent. Why? Because he managed to have three children with Dina Lohan – a stage-mother so determined to live her life vicariously through her offsprings' psychologically demanding acting and singing careers that they made a TV show about her – and now it turns out that he might have had another kid with a woman named Kristi Kaufmann.

Now, we have no idea who Kristi Kaufmann is – other than the fact that she had a month-long affair with Michael Lohan while he was married and possibly became pregnant with his child – but she's clearly a force to be reckoned with.

Just a few days after her daughter Ashley Kaufman was outed as a possible illegitimate Lohan sister, Kristi Kaufmann has managed to get the teenager's photo into OK! and In Touch magazine and big up her nascent career as a recording artist all in one go. Here's MSNBC with more:

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann, is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal. A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” A Lohan family source adds, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.”

Now it'd be highly irresponsible of us to single out an individual member of the Lohan family to attribute that last quote to, but let's have a go anyway – "the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan." Who could have possibly said that? No, we give up. Was it Dina?

Anyway, you know what? We're actually looking forward to hearing Ashley Kaufmann's music, because that's the only way we'll truly discover whether she's a Lohan or not. Yes, we know that the results of Michael Lohan's DNA test will come back long before Ashley actually releases anything, but we all know in our heart of hearts that Ashley Kaufmann won't be a real Lohan until she's recorded a song about what an uncaring dick Michael Lohan is.