And Led Zeppelin listen to their fans, which is why – at long last – the Led Zeppelin world tour has finally been announced. Imagine that – Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones and John Bonham, all together again at last to smash through their hits for millions of fans around the planet. Except for John Bonham and Robert Plant, anyway – one’s dead and one can’t really be bothered.

But nevertheless, the two other members of Led Zeppelin are going on tour anyway, and they’re hiring a stand-in singer to take Robert Plant’s place. By our calculations, this means that in terms of quality the Plantless Led Zeppelin tour will fall somewhere between their Live Aid set with Phil Collins and that weird Olympic thing that Jimmy Page did with Leona Lewis. Talk about a win-win!

Probably the band we have the most respect for in the entire world is Queen. A little thing like their iconic lead singer dying of AIDS didn’t stop them from being able to make money – they just hired a new singer and toured a slightly ropey karaoke-style version of their greatest hits around, even though nobody alive could be expected to enjoy it. Genius.

However, Queen might be about to be usurped from their thrones, because Led Zeppelin have decided to go one better. Ever since they reformed last December at the O2, there’s been an inter-band struggle between Robert Plant; who thought the reunion should be a one-off – and the rest of the band; who want to tour their arses off, record a new album and generally earn enough money to keep them in fanny-sized mudsharks until the day they pop their clogs.

With the band at such a crucial impasse, someone had to make a tough decision. Does Led Zeppelin keep its dignity and refuse to tour unless everyone is involved, or does it sell out, hire a random shitcake stand-in singer and rake in the cash hoping nobody notices?

Oh. The second one. NME reports:

Led Zeppelin will tour with a replacement for founding singer Robert Plant, bassist John Paul Jones has confirmed… Jones has now told BBC Radio Devon that the band are trying out “a couple” of alternative singers for a proposed tour. “We want to do it,” he explained. “It’s sounding great and we want to get on and get out there.”

Apparently one of the replacement singers that Led Zeppelin are trying out is Myles Kennedy, a man who may as well be that turd out of Nickelback from what we’ve been able to work out.

Maybe Led Zeppelin will stick to one replacement singer, or maybe they’ll work on a rotation scheme like Have I Got News For You. Let’s hope it’s the latter, because if there’s anyone who we’d like to hear roar through Communication Breakdown it’s these guys.

But the main question is, if Led Zeppelin are really going to go through with these plans to tour without Robert Plant, can they really still call themselves Led Zeppelin? We don’t think so, and so we’ve drawn up a shortlist of five potential new names for the band to choose from:

1 – Not Zeppelin

2 – Half Of Led Zeppelin, The Dead Bloke’s Son And Someone Who May As Well Be That Turd Out Of Nickelback From What We’ve Been Able To Work Out

3 – Velvet Revolver

Take your pick, chaps.

It’s because her immune system is now naturally fortified with boat loads of Hepatitis C. This is excellent for her on several different levels. She’ll no longer have to spend hundreds of dollars on oranges every winter – that’s nice for her. She can put that saved money right into studio-time.

Also, no more nights stuck awake because her chest is sticky with Vapo-rub, and she can take all those old, crusty lozenges out of her sock drawer. Like we said, Cole is lucky on many levels – not the least of which… What’s that? Hepetitis C is some sort of ailment? It has lousy side effects and doesn’t calm any winter-time stuffed-up misery? We’ve got it all wrong?

Well don’t we just feel ridiculous.

When Tommy Lee’s body probably first invented Hepatitis C, the world didn’t know what to think. On the one hand AIDS and mouth cancer already took up so much of our time we just didn’t think we would ever need a brand new disease again. On the other hand – Tommy made it, and everything he touches turns to bonafide gold. Except, you now, music and albums and basically anything rhythmic.

Then Pamela Anderson came down with the disease from a rusty tattoo needle, and we realised for the first time it could be considered quite fashionable to contract it.

As if that wasn’t enough, Steven Tyler got it a few years later, and we were like ‘Whoa… Where is everybody getting this wonderful disease?!”

And now Natalie Cole has found a screaming deal on the sickness somewhere. This is unconfirmed, but we heard she got it at 30% off. Again, that was unconfirmed. What’s not unconfirmed is that the disease seems far more solemn than the Lee’s make it look. According to Reuters:

“Grammy-winning singer Natalie Cole has been diagnosed with Hepatitis C and says she probably contracted the liver disease from drug use more than 30 years ago.”

While her publicist says:

“The virus, found during a routine examination, is likely the result of [Cole's] drug use many decades ago.”

The symptoms for the Hep are fatigue, muscle aches and Arabic men walking down the sidewalk towards you, obviously making eye contact but refusing to move out of your way, and when your paths finally cross they shoulder-bump you and you’re left wondering what the world is coming to, and why young people feel the need to be so rude.

Also, dehydration is a symptom.

Why? Because even though 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann – the girl apparently sired by Michael Lohan during a month-long affair – was raised in a completely separate environment to Lindsay Lohan and Ali Lohan, she's still labouring under the mistaken belief that she's going to be a huge pop star.

According to reports, Ashley Kaufmann is busy trying to crack the music industry and has already made a number of approaches to record companies. Poor Ashley Kaufmann – we wonder if she's realised that she's genetically predestined to end up face down in a pile of drugs midway through an emotionally hollow Dionysian pansexual orgy yet. 

Call it a hunch, but we get the feeling that Michael Lohan likes women of an unbearably obnoxious bent. Why? Because he managed to have three children with Dina Lohan – a stage-mother so determined to live her life vicariously through her offsprings' psychologically demanding acting and singing careers that they made a TV show about her – and now it turns out that he might have had another kid with a woman named Kristi Kaufmann.

Now, we have no idea who Kristi Kaufmann is – other than the fact that she had a month-long affair with Michael Lohan while he was married and possibly became pregnant with his child – but she's clearly a force to be reckoned with.

Just a few days after her daughter Ashley Kaufman was outed as a possible illegitimate Lohan sister, Kristi Kaufmann has managed to get the teenager's photo into OK! and In Touch magazine and big up her nascent career as a recording artist all in one go. Here's MSNBC with more:

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann, is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal. A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” A Lohan family source adds, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.”

Now it'd be highly irresponsible of us to single out an individual member of the Lohan family to attribute that last quote to, but let's have a go anyway – "the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan." Who could have possibly said that? No, we give up. Was it Dina?

Anyway, you know what? We're actually looking forward to hearing Ashley Kaufmann's music, because that's the only way we'll truly discover whether she's a Lohan or not. Yes, we know that the results of Michael Lohan's DNA test will come back long before Ashley actually releases anything, but we all know in our heart of hearts that Ashley Kaufmann won't be a real Lohan until she's recorded a song about what an uncaring dick Michael Lohan is.