Professional playground-trawler Caroline Flack has once again been spotted tongue wrestling with a foetus; this time, 23-year-old singer Sam McCarthy.
Despite take every precaution not to be spotted, eg. Standing in a public street outside a pub, the ‘couple’ were papped fondling each other outside the Crown & Goose pub in Camden.
While we’re happy to admit that at 32, she’s hardly Saturday night TVs answer to J. Howard Marshall, we can’t help but think there’s something wrong with a woman who constantly preys men with personalities as underdeveloped as their testicles.
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The news that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were getting divorced saw unprecedented sorrow in the hecklerspray hovel. We couldn’t believe that such a perfect couple had split without reminding us that they were an item in the first place. Very distressing.
So what caused this awful rift between two gulpingly attractive superhumans?
Well, Jennifer Lopez made a massive, massive mistake. She forgot that you’re only allowed to be attractive while wooing your husband. After that, you must stop being attractive at all, even if your work depends on it and, dare we say it, that was the thing that attracted your beau to you in the first instance.
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You know that Taylor Momsen, that teenage girl who acts seems to spend most of her life acting like a bit of a slag, wearing too much eye makeup and singing in that band that you still haven’t heard of? Well she’s been up to her old tricks again.
The Pretty Reckless singer, who used to be some sort of television star had previously gotten her underage baps out at a gig, gave a rather steamy lapdance to a female fan at a gig in Barcelona and even allowed another fan to give her chesticles a good ol’ fashioned grope.
ROCK N’ ROLL!
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Celebrity boob enthusiasts! We don’t mind if you don’t want to read these words and get straight to the mammaries. Yes. There’s a picture of Jennifer Lopez’s right boob over the jump. Honestly. Go straight there. You’ll miss some jokes but the traffic is all good.
Right. For those of you who remain and want to see what words we’ll write about J-Lo’s right buster, we’re all poised like a coiled sponge to disappoint.
So what’s happening? Well, the American Idol judge allowed her bubular to hang out while appearing on a German TV show, clearly enjoying the fact that they’re all sexually liberated over there with their porn films, hairy genitalia and their penchant for tanga briefs.
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Since their reunion last year, the planet has been clamouring for Led Zeppelin to keep it going and take a tour around the world.
And Led Zeppelin listen to their fans, which is why – at long last – the Led Zeppelin world tour has finally been announced. Imagine that – Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones and John Bonham, all together again at last to smash through their hits for millions of fans around the planet. Except for John Bonham and Robert Plant, anyway – one’s dead and one can’t really be bothered.
But nevertheless, the two other members of Led Zeppelin are going on tour anyway, and they’re hiring a stand-in singer to take Robert Plant’s place. By our calculations, this means that in terms of quality the Plantless Led Zeppelin tour will fall somewhere between their Live Aid set with Phil Collins and that weird Olympic thing that Jimmy Page did with Leona Lewis. Talk about a win-win!
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Natalie Cole is lucky because she never has to catch a cold again.
It’s because her immune system is now naturally fortified with boat loads of Hepatitis C. This is excellent for her on several different levels. She’ll no longer have to spend hundreds of dollars on oranges every winter – that’s nice for her. She can put that saved money right into studio-time.
Also, no more nights stuck awake because her chest is sticky with Vapo-rub, and she can take all those old, crusty lozenges out of her sock drawer. Like we said, Cole is lucky on many levels – not the least of which… What’s that? Hepetitis C is some sort of ailment? It has lousy side effects and doesn’t calm any winter-time stuffed-up misery? We’ve got it all wrong?
Well don’t we just feel ridiculous.
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OK everyone, you can put the nature vs nurture debate to bed now – the newly-discovered illegitimate half-sister of Lindsay Lohan proves that it's definitely nature.
Why? Because even though 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann – the girl apparently sired by Michael Lohan during a month-long affair – was raised in a completely separate environment to Lindsay Lohan and Ali Lohan, she's still labouring under the mistaken belief that she's going to be a huge pop star.
According to reports, Ashley Kaufmann is busy trying to crack the music industry and has already made a number of approaches to record companies. Poor Ashley Kaufmann – we wonder if she's realised that she's genetically predestined to end up face down in a pile of drugs midway through an emotionally hollow Dionysian pansexual orgy yet.
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