You’re never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music.

It’s not really a surprise – money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We’ll get back to you when we know what that actually is.

We think Victoria Beckham is a modern-day Renaissance woman, but that’s because our understanding of the original Renaissance is that it involved lots of 14th century Europeans half-heartedly trying their hands at different barely-defined jobs and then not worrying when they failed because they were married to millionaire footballers and got their face in Heat at least every couple of weeks anyway. Which we think actually happened.

There’s literally nothing that Victoria Beckham can’t do. Although she says she works in the fashion industry now – which means she follows Katie Holmes around the shops once every couple of weeks – Victoria has also managed to become a red hot TV personality and actress, so long as you count one embarrassingly scaled-back TV show and a woeful appearance on Ugly Betty as red-hot, plus she’s also a world famous singer.

Except she’s not. Not any more. Victoria Beckham’s solo career was over from roughly the second it began, and she’s not likely to do much more with the Spice Girls after their reunion tour couldn’t even stagger on to its scheduled climax.

And this means, as reported by Metro, that Victoria Beckham can’t call herself a singer any more:

Victoria Beckham has followed in Geri Halliwell’s footsteps, announcing her retirement from pop. “I’m not going to sing anymore, I’m turning my mic off,” she said. Her comments, made on breakfast show GMTV, will come as a blow to fans who were hoping to see her in Vegas as part of the Pussycat Dolls troupe.  “I heard about that,” she said. “The thought of leaping around on stage in a bra top and knickers. No.”

Never mind. As a member of the Spice Girls, Victoria Beckham has already made more money than most out of singing, so she’ll always be able to say she was a success. Well, she either made her money by singing or  by standing around dressed like a stern prostitute while Sporty Spice did all the singing. Anyway, it’s all over now so it doesn’t matter.

And since Victoria Beckham has retired from music so formally, we think this means we’re allowed to sue her for breach of contract if we ever hear her string two or more notes together from now on. We shouldn’t get our hopes up, though – she barely managed to do that when she was a professional.

Read more:

Finally, Posh says she’s retired from singing – Metro

We know what you're thinking. Haven't those poor soldiers already suffered enough without Jessica Simpson turning up to bawl bad music at them?

But that's unfair. Maybe Jessica Simpson is only going to Kuwait to perform a concert for the still-green new recruits alone. This is a time of war, remember, and if an inane bimbette warbling flaccid MOR pop songs is what'll break those kids' spirits for good and transform them into the kind of dead-eyed murder machines that the government requires them to be, then that's what needs to be done.

Remember when Jessica Simpson had it all? Obviously by 'all' we mean 'a sham marriage and a cack-brained reality TV show on a cable music channel' – but remember when Jessica Simpson had that, anyway? It was a long-forgotten past the likes of which Jessica Simpson will never see again.

Now all that Jessica Simpson has is an embarrassingly underperforming movie career, an alarmingly wayward singing voice, a boyfriend with a name like an unimpressive chain of rib-based restaurants and a fitness DVD that's got her sued. Things are so bad that Jessica Simpson can only turn things around in one of two ways – she can either take off all her clothes or become the forces' sweetheart.

And although the former is thunderingly inevitable, it looks like the latter is what Jessica Simpson will concern herself for the time being. Probably. And if she does, it's a secret, so shhh. E! Online reports:

The buxom blonde purportedly posted the following on fansite Sweetkisses.net: "I am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops, then back in the studio." … But by this afternoon, any mention of an overseas journey had been deleted and this was left in its place: "Hey ya'll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am hard at work on my country record, and I can't wait to share it will all of you. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess."

Two things. First, xoxo back Jess, lol!!!1! And secondly, is Jessica Simpson going to Kuwait or not? While we understand that Jessica Simpson wants to protect her privacy on such a potentially dangerous journey in case the entire Iraqi insurgency – big readers of Sweetkisses.net, the lot of them – flood into Kuwait to try and get Jessica to sign their Employee Of The Month DVDs, we still have a right to know if this performance is going ahead.

Because the price of oil is bound to up once all the Kuwaiti oil well workers have deafened themselves with knitting needles in advance of the visit, you see, and we want to stockpile.

Read more:

Is Jessica Off To Kuwait? – E! Online