After Kim Kardashian split with her husband after an incredibly short period, now Sinead O’Connor is in on the act ending her marriage to Barry Herridge after a paltry 16 days. She was wed in Vegas on December 8 and call it a day on Christmas Eve.

It feels like there’s something stirring.

Like what? Well, we have a theory. Our celebrities are getting married and then making a sham of it. There can only be one reason for this. No. Not because they’re all entitled lunatic who shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house. Rather, they’re doing because of the gays.

Sinead O’Connor has written on her official website that the couple only managed to live together for just seven days before calling time on their relationship.

That’s impressive isn’t it? A whole week of married hell. Of course, the Irish Catholics will be doing somersaults about this as they reserve a particular loathing for Sinead in their icily useless hearts.

Apparently, the drive-thru wedding came about because her new husband was heavily pressurised by people close to him and that’s why their marriage had to end.

On her official blog:

“From the moment myself and my husband got together not long ago, there was intense pressure placed upon him by certain people in his life, not to be involved with me.”

O’Connor also claimed that their wedding had been “kyboshed” within just three hours after their wedding, not to mention the fact that the pair went on a mad Supermarket Sweep style dash in the hunt for drugs on their wedding night so that they could celebrate.

So what’s the craic? Well, with right-wingers all lambasting the notion of gay marriage, it seems that all our celebrities are going to roundly mock the notion of wedlock altogether so that, in the future, when people talk of the sanctity of straight-marriage in the eyes of god, there will be a thousand celebrity weddings that make a complete farce of it all.

The natural progression is that Justin Timberlake will be next, getting married for 20 seconds before calling it quits, paving the way for Miley Cyrus to find a beau and conduct a televised event where she simultaneously gets married and divorced, melting the legal veracity of all future marriages.

It’s going to be brilliant.

Sinead O’Connor is a brilliantly mental person to have about the place isn’t she? Rallying against The Pope, becoming a priest, being a Rastafarian and, most lately, asking people on Twitter to come ’round her house and bum her.

Seriously. Did you miss all that? Good ol’ Sinead was demanding a parade of young studs to enter her house, via the backdoor. It was marvellous, it really was very special.

And now, to cap off a wonderful few months back on the radar, she hasn’t done something stupid like release a record, but rather, buggered off to Las Vegas with a fella and done a drive-thru wedding. Fantastic. Just brilliant.

Sinead had it all planned out. She was to tie the knot on her 45th birthday with fiancé Barry Herridge. Best bit of the ceremony?

The singer said “I do” while sitting in the back of a pink Cadillac.

A source with prying eyes and a gob for money, said:

“It wasn’t a traditional dress, but it wasn’t a traditional wedding either.”

“She cried during the vows and had to wipe her eyes.”

God. It’s almost like being there in person isn’t it? Note the emotive ‘had to wipe her eyes’. This really is frontline reporting at its very, very best.

Anyway, to cap it all off, after the ten minute ceremony (that’s how you do it! Straight in, straight out) O’Connor and her new husband (we’re legally obliged to write ‘hubbie’ in this article at least once) in his dark jacket and pink shirt, lit candles as employees of the chapel sang “Happy Birthday” to the bride.

Hubbie.

Back when times were pure and innocent, only a few select events took up room on our calendar; such as birthdays and the elusive annual leave. Now, more and more meaningless events are cluttering our calendars as television bullies its way into our lives, sits down on top of us and angrily demands that we perform oral sex on it.

August used to be the time when advertisers would pester us with commercials about Christmas hampers and store cards. Now, when we see this particular month approaching, we know that the booming narration of X-Factor is set to begin and for a few weeks, we get to see slew of modern-day freaks being paraded in front of four berks for our amusement.

Every Saturday, everyone rushes all their errands so they can watch TV with strong continental lager and a fatty takeaway. Only then can you make snide comments about how someone singing their heart out is inferior to you. Hell, maybe you even tweet about it. Incessantly.

This has quickly become a British pastime, but even the camp antics of Johnny Robinson can melt the icy heart of Sinead O’Connor.

Once upon a time, you’d have seen Sinead O’Connor showing her disgust at Pope John Paul II by ripping up an image of him on Saturday Night Live. But that was back in 1992 when times different and the Catholic church weren’t as hip and groovy as they are now. Back then, there was no such thing as Photoshop, so O’Connor was forced to rip up a picture of the then Pope live on stage. Now, she could have manipulated an image of John Paul II with a thought bubble coming from his head that read “mmm child abuse.”

Can you imagine the world without Twitter? Neither can we and this would have been another perfect tool for Sinead O’Connor to use in her protest against the Catholic Church. Hashtags can almost solve any problem. So if tags such as #thecatholicchurchistotesrubbish and #fuckthechurchnotakid were used, maybe a wave of momentum could help get her message across. Pff. The days when we tore pictures. The dark ages.

Without even having to go in to why Sinead O’Connor has issues with the Catholic Church, what’s up with the X-Factor? She said:

“I find it hard to watch it because I can’t stand the way some of the judges treat the performers. That guy Gary Barlow, he has this horrible way of looking at people. If he was my son I’d be having a serious word with him about the way he’s talking to people or treating people. I find it excruciating to look at.”

We’ll agree with her there, although us saying that Barlow isn’t very nice to people is like Pol Pot giving the Manson Family a hard time for their commitment to murder. Although, in saying that Gary Barlow does have the look of a respectable Victorian gentlemen who might walk you home through a dark forest; but in actual fact would end up forcing you to eat ghost chillis until your bum exploded. But anyway, O’Connor didn’t stop there:

“I don’t think the people running the show are the kind of people who think about the effect of their behaviour upon people. But when you look at the panel they’re crying all the time – it’s like therapy.

Watching someone cry all the time? Haven’t we been there before?

All of a sudden everyone’s bisexual, everyone.

The Big Brother people, Megan Fox, the one from Black Eyed Peas – everyone. Unfortunately, we’re not impressed one jot, because, frankly, being bisexual is a doddle. The ones we really look up to are the lesbians. And to prove it, here’s a list of the greatest lesbians walking the earth…

Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster kept us all umming and ahhing for years about the state of her lesbianism, before casually outing herself during an awards ceremony acceptance speech. It was a move akin to OJ Simpson admitting murder at a parent’s evening. She gives lesbians a good name by not conforming to dungareed stereotypes, and having an air about her that suggests bisexuality is totally out of the question. Women only for this chick, fellas.

Martina Navratilova

Of course, now we all know that at least fifty per cent of women tennis players are actually married or going out with one another, but it took Martina to open our eyes to the sexual side of the lady’s tour. In amongst the drippy young things with their fluttering eyes and puff ball skirts, there she was, steely eyed, and cock out. Metaphorically speaking.

Cynthia Nixon

Otherwise known as the ginger one from Sex in The City, Cynthia was probably fourth choice to most regular viewers. Unless, of course, you happen to be a lesbian, in which case she probably topped the list. Why? Because she’s a bloody great big lesbian, just like you are. Although she’s a ginger one.

Alex Parks

For those who can’t remember, Alex was the foghorn voiced lesbian who won Fame Academy a few years ago. She is a fine example of a lesbian who managed to break free from the shackles of her youth, and shine like a bright lesbian star. Unfortunately, that star has totally faded, and now she’s just another washed up lesbian who could have had it all, but has nothing. Just her lesbian friends, and her own lesbianism.

Sinead O’Connor

The lesbian jury is still out on the extent of Sinead O’Connor’s lesbianism. She’s been married more than once to BLOODY MEN, she’s had something like four kids. But in an interview in 2000, she said “I actually am a lesbian.” Would a non-lesbian say that? Would they? We’re not sure.

Portia de Rossi

Even though she’s got blonde hair and a great body, Portia de Rossi isn’t just being lesbian to turn her boyfriend on, she actually is a lesbian! In fact she’s so lesbian that she decided to gay marry Ellen DeGeneres, who is a famous American lesbian. Two lesbians. Married.

Lindsay Lohan

Child star, drugs, then lesbian. That’s your Lindsay Lohan.

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