You’ve seen Sherlock on BBC television right? Yeah, that homoerotic nonsense that all furrowed brows and winks to camera. It’s awful isn’t it? If you’re the kind of swine-nosed, spotty sloven who is now tutting in disgust at such a sentiment, we have news.

Mr Benedict Cumberbatch, a man with a face like an iron hand, is going to be in the new Star Trek movie.

The British actor has been cast in J.J. Abrams’ sequel to his 2009 ‘Star Trek’ reboot, according to Deadline.com. And when have they ever lied? And he could well be getting a juicy role.

Of course, you’re not bothered about the role he’ll be getting because you’re still fapping over the various glimpses of flesh that Benny Cummerbund flashes during his tenure as a smack-head violin detective aren’t you?

For those not working their groins up into a froth, Cumberbatch’s role is shrouded in mystery BUT, it seems that there’s mutterings which are growing louder and louder.

The rumours say that he’ll be playing the movie’s villain. Quite possibly Khan. This gives us the chance to mention the original Khan because not only is it relevant, but it’s also the best name ever – Ricardo Montalban.

Cumberbatch has a full diary of late, starring as a British cavalry officer in Spielberg’s ‘War Horse’ as well as a turn in ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’. He’s also joining his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman in ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey’ as the voice of the dragon Smaug.

Honestly. Grown men pretending to be dragons and elves.

Anyway, Benedict joins Chris Pine (Captain Kirk), Zachary Quinto (Spock), Zoe Saldana (Uhura), Karl Urban (Dr. McCoy), John Cho (Sulu) and Simon Pegg (Scotty) in this new Trekfest and everyone can continue having a big ol’ fiddle with themselves.

Hope you’re happy, scumbags.

On the set of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, Tom Cruise thought he’d go and do a nice thing for Simon Pegg – talk to him like he knew who he was. And what did they talk about? What any celebrity would talk about of course!

Soiled undercrackers!

That’s right. Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg talked about nappies, teaming with faecal matter while playing make-believe like big, hairy and very stupid children. Meanwhile, everyone else presumably looked on wondering if Cruise was trying to recruit someone for Scientology because he’s bang into that alien guff isn’t he?

Talking about what (some of the things) Tom spoke about on set, Simon said:

‘We talked a lot about fatherhood. Stuff like what nappies you buy, teaching your kid to ride a bike. Ordinary stuff.’

No aliens then? No Thetan whatsit?

Well. Maybe. See, Simon ‘You liked him better when he seemed nice in Spaced, rather than this diamond eyed careerist in Hollywood’ Pegg  revealed that, when he was feeling blue and homesick, Cruise would offer to stay late and keep him company.

Pegg got all dewy eyed, adding:

‘He is kind of superhuman. I mean, he’s incredibly good-looking. He’s a very good actor. He’s built. He’s 49 and looks 32. He is beyond criticism.

‘He’s at the top despite the cynical beatings that he receives. It’s because he conducts himself properly. If you start believing all that c**p about how important you are, that’s when you stop working, because nobody wants to work with an a***hole.’

Sounds like someone has totally been converted, eh?

Simon Pegg – impressively dislikeable since his days in Spaced – is, of course, becoming something of a ‘name’ in Hollywood. Well done him. Basically, he’s Rent-A-Nerd and he’s doing very nicely out of it thankyouverymuch.

If you didn’t know, Pegg starred as Scotty in the remake of Star Trek (the one with him from Heroes in it) and he’s opening and closing his mouth about ‘Star Trek 2′ which is due out in the next couple of years.

Typically, he’s complaining about it, furrowing his pale brow over the rumour that superhuman Khan will be the villain in the forthcoming sequel. Why?

Pegg is under the impression that Khan wouldn’t work because fans have seen him ”before”. That’d be Simon Pegg who plays Scotty who, presumably, hasn’t been seen before. Scotty from Star Trek which totally wasn’t on the TV in the ’60s with various film spin-offs before this rehash.

He said:

“I haven’t heard the name Khan come up. Not to say it won’t come up, but I have heard no mention of him whatsoever.”

“He is a great villain. I don’t want to say too much and then have to eat my words as I often do, but we’ve seen Khan in a Trek movie before. To see him again, how much value is there in that? I don’t know.”

Of course, he might be implying that you’d need an actor with a cooler name than Ricardo Montalban to star as Khan and, indeed, someone willing to wear a plastic torso as well as the finest named actor IN THE UNIVERSE.

But probably not. It’s just Simon Pegg moaning about a stupid sci-fi franchise that totally isn’t nearly as good as Star Wars.

Treklodites will no doubt already be aware that Pegg will once again be joined by Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto and Zoe Saldana. The rest of the world can read that sentence and go back to not caring one jot.

Now, what have we got to do to see a filthy slug disappear down someone’s ear to make us all dry-heave? Even more frightening in German you say?

HUZZAH! *pukes in hand*

Everyone knows who Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are right? You know, there the guys who beat the crap out of zombies with pool cues to Queen’s ‘Don’t stop me now’ and then had a shootout in a supermarket with Timothy Dalton. You know, Timothy Dalton! Him out of that James Bo- nevermind.

Ahh, so now you remember. That’s okay though we’ll forgive you, after all it’s a pretty reasonable response given the pairs somewhat floundering careers since 2007′s pant-stainingly funny ‘Hot Fuzz’.

The only difference here however is that Edgar Wright, their long time chum and directorial muse is no where insight; replaced instead by that bloke who gave us Superbad and Adventureland (the one where Kristen Stewart isn’t dying for a good vampire romp).

Pegg & Frost are back as a double act once again, like a crime fighting duo that disbanded and realized afterwards they were crap without their counterparts.

The pair play British sci-fi geeks Graeme (Pegg) and Clive (Frost) who are visiting Comic Con before setting off on a road trip to visit all the best UFO hot spots across New Mexico.

This may sound a little dull and that, in truth, is because it is. The opening 15 minutes lack spark and this period of the film is reduced largely to only a handful of geeky in-jokes and a rather tame stab at a homosexual undercurrent between the pair.

Yawn.

Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz excelled thanks to the intense friction between Pegg and Frost’s characters, but in Paul the polite relationship of Graeme and Clive is pedestrian, verging on boring and lacks any intrigue or insight.

Cue the Marmite loving, reggae dancing, bad mouthing, pot smoking alien Paul.

However, this isn’t to say that Seth Rogen who provides the voice of Paul saves the day, far from it; besides we wouldn’t want to give his already abnormally large head anymore reason to grow beyond the confines of (what we imagine is) his plush home.

That being said however, the introduction of Paul provides that all important catalyst for proceedings to get a little bit more racy and genuinely humorous – even if it’s talking about anal probes.

From here on out the film takes on a whole new dynamic, switching from a rather camp road trip to the thrilling chase movie, as Agent Zoil (Jason Bateman) tracks down our little green friend on behalf of the refreshingly badass boss played by Sigourney Weaver. There is a slight wobble midway through the film due to the forced inclusion of Graeme’s bible-bashing love interest Ruth Buggs (Kristen Wiig), but thankfully this isn’t enough to knock the film of its impressive momentum.

All-in-all, this love letter to Spielberg is far from perfect. The uneasy mishmash of both American and British humour, while undeniably broader and more accessible to audiences, clearly hinders the comedy duo who lack the potency of their previous collaborations. However, this shouldn’t detract audiences from a film with more than enough quality to warrant watching, for one outing at the very least.

This was a guest post from a chap called James Wright and, quite frankly, he’s a disgusting human being who should be locked away in a very, very dark, damp place. But we love him all the same. He may be a freak, but he’s our freak.

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Over the years the cinema has given us plenty of bumbling idiots on the big screen but arguably none are ever as likeable as the ones played by Simon Pegg.

Returning this week in How to Lose Friends And Alienate People, Pegg, riding high on his popularity, plays the pretentious tit Sidney Young who manages to get a job at a prestigious New York magazine. It’s like The Devil Wears Prada but with transvestites!

With a recent surge of great comedies, this effort is disappointingly neither consistently hilarious or has anything new to say. Pegg is a likeable lead but presents the character as a more of a loveable idiot who never really irritates, even those within the film. His characters charm instantly sets you into a light hearted predictable romp while although entertaining in its own way, is also somewhat a letdown.

Underneath it all is a standard romantic comedy with delusions of grandeur, which is fitting given the story. Sidney enters his new job making mistake after mistake as he tries to go against the grain and attract the attention of his new boss Clayton Harding (Jeff Bridges) and also the new Hollywood starlet Sophie Maes (Megan Fox). Meanwhile he manages to befriend his co-worker Alison (Kirsten Dunst) and get on the wrong side of one of his superior Maddox (Danny Huston).

The film works well when it looks down at the media world, who buzz around showbiz and suck up to new ‘talent’ but fails to stay focused on it long enough to gain any momentum and big laughs. As usual, models are represented as airheads and young directors are pretentious recluse types – this doesn’t stop the film milking some laughs from the old cow, though.

Heading this side is Bridges’ Clayton who runs away with some of the films best lines. He represents Sidney’s possible future and when Bridges is sharing the screen with Pegg it makes for some standout scenes and it is a shame there isn’t more of him.

Credit to the film though, the actors all give good performances and surprisingly Kirsten Dunst, who was one villainous kidnap on the wrong side of annoying, manages to come across sweet and charming as Sidney’s love interest. Some of the characters verge on the wrong side of cliché (Dunst is the only one who can see Sidney for who he really is. Asshole boyfriend alert!), but these are little niggles.

The laughs are varied from your usual physical pratfalls to fish out of water scenarios and also some more raunchy scenes. When the film turns to witty banter, though, is where the film stands out – if it wasn’t aiming for such a broad audience, the film would have the potential to become a great comedy. The latter half of the film becomes more serious with its attention firmly on Sidney reluctantly conforming and compromising his values, in turn making a deal with the devil in the form of Gillian Anderson‘s conceited pile of breasts so he can get a chance with the sexual weapon Megan Fox.

Things all end for the better as you can imagine but without the true bite of any message against the industry, certain characters’ motivations for their actions remain vague. The film aims to provide something for everyone and although it certainly isn’t the funniest film this year, it manages to be a sweet story that again puts Pegg out there as one of the funniest actors around today. A sharper, edgier story may be buried underneath but it remains a fluffy enjoyable evening at the multiplex.

[Story by David Scarborough]

Mike Myers has gone from a childhood hero of hecklerspray to being one of the worst ‘comedians’ on this planet we call Earth.

So what does any actor do when they realise their popularity is at an all-time low – even lower than it was when nobody even knew who Mike Myers was? That’s right – they sign up for a role in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Works every time.

So it comes as no surprise that Wayne Campbell has joined the increasing ranks for Tarantino’s newest hype-machine, Inglorious Bastards. It’s a war film and it’s by Quentin Tarantino, so expect it to be quite insane and bring about countless complaints from idiots, while other idiots just talk as if it’s the greatest film that’s ever happened.

When it’s clear to anyone with sense that it isn’t offensive, it is good, but it isn’t the second coming.

It’s the Tarantino formula.

It’s clearly something that Mike Myers has looked in to, as he has opted to try and save his flagging reputation by signing on to Bastards. The Canadian who seems to think he is British will play General Ed Fenech, “a military mastermind who takes part in hatching a plot to wipe out Nazi leaders,” apparently. Reports that Myers will adopt his utterly hilarious Scottish accent for the part are said to be ‘unfounded as of right now, but he probably will as it’s the only accent he’s done for the last fifteen years’.

Mikey boy will be joined by cast members such as Brad Pitt, Eli Roth and B.J. Novak on the film, though we aren’t too sure who that last one is (a quick check on IMDB shows he’s one of that lot from the American version of The Office, so… err… fair enough). The film was supposedly to have Simon Pegg attached too, but scheduling difficulties got in the way, meaning the one with the tiny ears is just going to go and do another film with Nick Frost.

Not that we’re complaining, of course. They’re actually funny. Unlike Mike Myers.

Inglorious Bastards is a Tarantino remake of Inglorious Bastards, which was a remake of The Dirty Dozen. Confused? Well it has Mike Myers in it now, so it’s unlikely to get any less confusing. Prisoners escape, French underground, difficult mission – that’s about it. Expect kitsch references, a soundtrack that will be all over the radio for years to come and the semi-revival of some careers to come from it, as is always the case with Quentin Tarantino movies.

Rather than casting Myers as the hero of the piece, some sense has fortunately been seen, and his role is thankfully just a small one. Surely not big enough for him to ruin proceedings, but at the same time probably the right size for some of his reputation to be restored.

Until he brings out Austin Powers 4, which will involve the same joke being made repeatedly for two hours, and ruins himself forever.

It’s the Myers formula.