Sharon Osborne Still Harping On About The Past If you ever meet our fisherman friend Mike The Pike, it’ll take him about two minutes to mention his greatest achievement. Spreading his arms wide he’ll say he caught Untanga, the beast of the local lake. Sadly though, it was the one that got away and he only caught an abandoned shopping trolley. Sharon Osborne has something in common with our friend. Ever since she left X Factor, everyone has lost interest in her. But don’t worry, Sharon is trying to reignite a war with another one of the programme's boring additions – Dannii Minogue. We can’t confirm or deny if Sharon reeks of fish like Mike The Pike”. Only Ozzy knows that.

Simon Cowell Gets All ‘Whoops’ About Paula Abdul’s Dead Stalker American Idol loves its theme nights - we've previously had Beatles Night, Big Band Night and Ironically Let Taylor Hicks Win Night. But the forthcoming American Idol will be groundbreaking. That's because it'll be the first American Idol theme season - and the theme is 'everybody be really nice to all the contestants, even if they're clearly awful, in case more of them show up dead outside Paula Abdul's house'. Actually it's not. Simon Cowell has spoken about the death of Paula Abdul's obsessed fan and has decided that, though sad, he's still going to be a bastard to everyone he meets. Hooray!

American Idol Gets Revamped, Now Slightly Less Death-Stalkery American Idol, it's fair to say, is on the slide - last season it was only watched by 97% of Americans, down from the usual 105%. But relax - American Idol is on it. Later today, American Idol is holding a news conference where it'll announce several changes for its new season, including more focus on talent and less on the auditionees who'll inevitably turn up dead outside Paula Abdul's house. But don't worry, American Idol fans - the show will still have wildly long, endurance-challenging results shows so full of ersatz crap that you'll feel like killing yourself midway through. That's American Idol's bread and butter.

Science And Technology Used To Track Simon Cowell’s Every Dull Movement The only reason, and we do mean the only reason, we'd ever be seen following Simon Cowell all over town is if we'd gotten reliable word that there's a fist-sized diamond lodged somewhere inside him, and he's carrying a lunch-pale chock full of old fruit. If that were the case, we'd follow him alright - but still only if he looked kinda like he was walking with his knees hinged together. He'd never know we were tailing him though - because we have three different disguises to choose from. Two of them are Russian themed, and the third is a girl-Bugs Bunny. Not everybody is so stealthy - like the paparazzo who stuck a tracking device on Cowell's undercarriage.

Simon Cowell Goes To Wales, Slags It Off Hear that noise? That tiny high-pitched squeaking noise? That's us farting in terror at the realisation that a new series of X Factor is just weeks away. Because every year it's always the bloody same - week after week of listening to turgid Whitney Houston cover versions sung by blubbering personality voids, all preceded by Simon Cowell going on a whistlestop tour of the country to tell everyone in each region that they're awful at singing and should probably try killing themselves. Most recently, Simon Cowell has been to Wales. Cue predictable outrage in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Sharon Osbourne: ‘Screw You ITV! I Squawk For The BBC Now’ In an act of betrayal not matched since the Italians turned their backs on the Nazis in World War Two, or when Sol Campbell moved to Arsenal from Tottenham on a free transfer in the cold, dark summer of 2001, Sharon Osbourne, who recently parted company with long time friend ITV, is preparing to jump in bed with the BBC. Sharon recently quit ITV1’s X Factor because of something about money. She wasn’t getting her cut of the phone-in vote or something (just joking Sharon). Whatever, she left them, and it doesn’t look like she’s going back. But then again she’s no doubt said that to Ozzy a few dozen times over the years. And yet, no matter how big the betrayal, she still remains by his side. The poor fella - as if being a human vibrator wasn’t enough to live with without that over-opinionated ear-ache hanging about the place.

Paul Potts: The Underwhelming Movie, Coming Soon

When it comes to getting a gang of dreadful personality-free cockmunches to sing on vaguely low-rent TV shows, Simon Cowell is undoubtedly a world leader.

But it's fair to say that Simon Cowell should never ever be allowed to even think about making movies for a second. Not even for a second. He should be forced to wear high-voltage electrodes or an exploding neck collar just to stop him thinking about making movies.

We're basing this assessment on one thing and one thing alone here - Simon Cowell is going to make a biopic based on the life of Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts. Someone find us the number of a reputable exploding neck collar salesman quick.

Britain’s Got Badly-Hidden Surveillance Equipment

If you were going to plant a bug anywhere in the country, the Britain's Got Talent auditions probably wouldn't be your first choice.

It's hard to see what anyone would actually benefit from bugging Britain's Got Talent - it's not as if the information could be swapped with shadowy European intelligence officers who'd hear the recordings and triumphantly exclaim "Ah, so zis eez what Simon Cowell sinks of ze breakdancing, plate-spinning pensioner. Ve haf him now!"

But that didn't stop someone from bugging the Britain's Got Talent auditions last week. Nobody has been arrested for the bugging yet, but police are thought to be on the lookout for a big bloody idiot.