Posts tagged as:

Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell Has A Threesome, Hates Condoms And You Lose Your Lunch

by Mof Gimmers

Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die. Simon Cowell has had a threesome. Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped [...]

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28 Second Video Review Of Matt Cardle’s New Single ‘Run For Your Life’

by Mof Gimmers

Hurray! Matt Cardle – the guy who won last year’s X Factor, much to everyone’s antipathy – has a new record out! How exciting is that?! Of course, we’ve got big hopes for Matt because, not only can he sing in a really high pitched voice, but he can play guitar at the same time. [...]

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X Factor Week 3 Review: More People Insist On Wearing Denim And Making Loud Noises

by Sophie Hall

It’s week three, and we’re all still clinging on, like a shivering, frostbitten Leonardo Di Caprio desperately grasping hold of Kate Winslet’s plank. It’s kind of nice. We began with a rare montage of previous X Factor successes ‘dominating the charts’. Cher Lloyd, JLS and Olly Murs. Meanwhile, last year’s winner Matt Cardle is co-writing [...]

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X Factor Review, Episode 2: The One Where They All Did The Singing Again

by Sophie Hall

And here we are again. You all look so incredibly tired. So before we begin, let’s really think to ourselves – what do we really WANT from episode 2 of The X Factor 2011? Because so far, nobody has really got what they want, have they? Nobody really voluntarily asks for Kelly Rowland, for example. [...]

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Simon Cowell Wants To Reanimate His Own Corpse

by Mof Gimmers

Should you be unlucky enough to live for the next 300 years, aside from the agony of reanimation, the clawing sense of disenfranchisement with our new ape leaders and, of course, the horrible realisation that you are a disappointment regardless of the time you live in, you might be on the end of a withering [...]

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Incredibly Long Unnecessary Review Of X Factor 2011, Episode 1

by Sophie Hall

It has been 8 months now, since we all obligingly sat down with a couple of friends, some choice lunch meats, and self loathing, and watched Matt Cardle furiously leaking into his corduroy jeans. Oh, and won X Factor 2010. Some would say the healing process after viewing this will need a considerably longer time [...]

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People Continue To Employ Cheryl Cole For Inexplicable Reasons (Glee and ‘A Film With Cameron Diaz In It’ Beckon)

by Sophie Hall

You may remember a few months ago (and if you don’t remember, you’re a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don’t talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman. Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant. After years being mollycoddled [...]

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Oh God. One Direction Are Going To Be Odiously Gigantic (Or, Here’s Their New Single)

by Mof Gimmers

Last year’s X Factor managed to turn the women of Great Britain into salivating perverts as they all lined themselves up to heap amorous praise on five incredibly young men, now called One Direction. They knew what they were saying was all kinds of wrong, but they flicked their beans all the same. And since [...]

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Cher Lloyd Admires Tulisa’s Balls

by Kris Silver

Cher Lloyd, you remember her don’t you? She’s that one what didn’t win the X Factor and is still famous for some reason despite not having actually done anything to earn it. Well, she’s back in the news this week after accusing new X Factor judge Tulisa off of the N-Dubz of secretly being a [...]

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Badvertising: Let’s Talk About Genitals

by Michael Park

Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we’re often told off for using inappropriate words to describe the girls’ genitalia. In fact, there was a time that Matthew Laidlow had to spend three weeks hooked up to a catheter after asking Joanna Bolouri if he could cop a feel of her “pouch”. After that, Editor Mof came up [...]

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