Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Simon Cowell does not come across as a man with any sort of paternal side.? Which isn’t surprising considering he’s made his fortune judging other people an crushing their dreams.? The man who used to always say he’d never get married or become a father has reneged on one of those statements, and procreated.
Yup, someone besides a grown ass woman on her knees will now?be calling Cowell “Daddy.”
There must be a few perks to being bosom buddies with Simon Cowell: Yacht parties in the Mediterranean, endlessly being surrounded by beautiful women, and as much champagne as you can stomach. On the downside, he might just impregnate your missus.?
In around seven months, Cowell Junior will make an appearance via socialite Lauren Silverman, bringing with it a lot of sleepless nights, dirty nappys and potentially a very messy and expensive divorce settlement for mommy and her estranged husband. Pregnancy is such a magical time for everyone.
Between the groups of twerking primary school kids and glorified shadow puppeteers, the Britain’s Got Talent final was one giant snoozefest. Thank God somebody stepped in to break the monotony by chucking dairy products at Simon Cowell’s face.
An otherwise completely forgettable operatic duet by Richard and Adam – catchy name – was interrupted half way through by a girl running on stage armed with a box of eggs and the most menacing smile since Jack Nicholson discovered that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Nobody was hurt in the incident, with the possible exception of Simon’s security team who were no doubt taking an underwater tour of the Thames in their favourite concrete shoes by the end of the night.
Vapid Saturday night TV was never meant to last. It’s like eating sausage: you know that it’s not good for you, but you’ll gorge on the innards and offcuts anyway until it makes you sick, then you swear off it for months or years. In truth, the X Factor’s been on British TV screens for so long that it was getting stale years ago – but this year it seems we’ve finally had enough.
I don’t know about you, but I feel cheated. After?The X Factor’s disappointing debut last season, we were promised a new beginning. The judging panel was revitalised with the ditching of Paula Abdul and Nicole Shalalala, and the recent success of One Direction and Cher Lloyd has given the series a renewed spotlight.
However, I tuned in to discover the same old shit. Despite the changes in the judging panel, nothing has changed since last year. It’s predictable to the point that it becomes boring. In fact, I’m surprised it hasn’t been pulled off the schedule altogether.
?(1 Timothy 2:1-4 ) First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.
Sounds about right. Why else do you think thousands upon thousands of people line up in supplication every year to perform in front of your God and Saviour, Simon Cowell? What else is the X-Factor, or Britain or America’s Got Talent, if not a way to please the sight of God our Saviour?
Despite the rumours that persist about Ashley Cole, he went and got married to Cheryl from Girls Aloud (despite the rumours that persist about her too). All was going swimmingly until Ashley started fooling around.
Overnight, the heartache meant that Cheryl Cole because the people’s princess. We forgot all about that toilet attendant business. Ashley Cole was public enemy number one!
And so, after a quiet spell, Chezza is back with a new song called Screw You and, well, while there’s no official word on it, it does sound a lot like a barbed attack on a certain ex husband. And the lyrics are rather fruity too!
Sinitta wants Simon Cowell to move house after an intruder was found in his wardrobe covered in blood. Sinitta probably thought she was the only person who was allowed to be found hiding in his house, acting like a lunatic.
The leaf-wearing maniac dated Simon in the ’80s and has remained his close friend ever since, mainly by sheer persistence.
She’s now very worried for Cowell and thinks he’s not safe where he lives and wants him to get the blue hell outta there. She also thinks it’s all about her. No, seriously.
What is the fascination that TV talent shows have with letting us know that those who look like they hit every branch of the ugly tree shortly after plummeting from its peak, all have some for of inner beauty that we're supposed to admire and warm our cold, black hearts with?
Jonathan Antoine is the latest uggo to drop his trousers and have the ungreased fist of ITV?s Lord and Saviour, Simon Cowell, operating those gorgeous vocal chords, located somewhere beneath that 3rd or 4th chin.
Following in the very deep footsteps of Susan Boyle, Michelle McManus and, yes, even Rick Waller, Jonathan and, to a lesser extent, his singing partner, Charlotte something, have burst onto our screens and will, for the 4th or 5th year running, remind us that REAL beauty, the kind of beauty you SHOULD care about, is on the inside.
It’s not very often that the inhabitants of the hecklerspray bedsit have cause to say something nice about Britney Spears.
If she isn’t going mental with an umbrella and a pair of hair clippers then she’s screeching around Los Angeles with babies hanging under each arm like some kind of irresponsible sloth. And all that doesn’t even broach the Sam Lufti issue.
So it’s with some, we’re presuming, pride that we can sort of announce that Britney Spears is in talks to become one of the new judges on Simon Cowell’s pet project, X Factor USA. We say we’re presuming because like Miss Spears, we too were emotionally stunted by the lack of parental affection.
