Articles tagged with: Simon Cowell
X Factor Recap: Oh Dear, That’s Ricky Loney Done For
Last night Ricky Loney was eliminated from X Factor. Hopefully you didn't form a close attachment to him. Oh, of course you didn't - he was arse-awful. But aside from that gigantic inevitability, what else happened on X Factor this weekend? Well, Whitney Houston was the guest mentor, so the theme was obviously Diva Night. We heard it was going to be Ludicrous Former Crack-Addict Hasbeens Who Need Weird-Haired Frank Butcher Lookalike Sidekicks To Keep Them Upright, but that was found to be slightly too niche. Anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do this weekend? Time for that recap you've all been waiting for...
Last night Ricky Loney was eliminated from X Factor. Hopefully you didn't form a close attachment to him. Oh, of course you didn't - he was arse-awful. But aside from that gigantic inevitability, what else happened on X Factor this weekend? Well, Whitney Houston was the guest mentor, so the theme was obviously Diva Night. We heard it was going to be Ludicrous Former Crack-Addict Hasbeens Who Need Weird-Haired Frank Butcher Lookalike Sidekicks To Keep Them Upright, but that was found to be slightly too niche. Anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do this weekend? Time for that recap you've all been waiting for...
X Factor Recap: That’s Kandy Rain Gone, Then
Good news - the X Factor live finals are back! Better news - Kandy Rain were kicked off. Jesus on a stick, they were crap. But, hey, at least X Factor is back, and keeping current, too - one week after the Strictly Come Dancing racism row, Dannii Minogue decided to kick off an X Factor homophobia row of her own. We can’t wait for Dancing On Ice to return now because, if the pattern holds, Philip Schofield might just say something horrifying about Albanians. But anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do? Let’s have a wonderful recap, shall we?
Good news - the X Factor live finals are back! Better news - Kandy Rain were kicked off. Jesus on a stick, they were crap. But, hey, at least X Factor is back, and keeping current, too - one week after the Strictly Come Dancing racism row, Dannii Minogue decided to kick off an X Factor homophobia row of her own. We can’t wait for Dancing On Ice to return now because, if the pattern holds, Philip Schofield might just say something horrifying about Albanians. But anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do? Let’s have a wonderful recap, shall we?
Eau de Simon Cowell: The Stench of Exploitation
What's that smell? Could it be the subtle scent of talentless TV exploitation, the overwhelming fragrance of WAG or the clover-hinted odour of small-man's syndrome? Freshen up like a pointless media middleman with four new fragrances from X Factor. You're bound to get lucky if you smell like a TV talent show judge, and nothing says 'I love you' like rating your partner's performance in the sack. No, really, the X Factor judges are all getting their own perfumes. You'll be able to buy them in time for Christmas and everything.
What's that smell? Could it be the subtle scent of talentless TV exploitation, the overwhelming fragrance of WAG or the clover-hinted odour of small-man's syndrome? Freshen up like a pointless media middleman with four new fragrances from X Factor. You're bound to get lucky if you smell like a TV talent show judge, and nothing says 'I love you' like rating your partner's performance in the sack. No, really, the X Factor judges are all getting their own perfumes. You'll be able to buy them in time for Christmas and everything.
WEBTHUMP! September 30 2009
10 - Want to go to a fancy secret Bee Stings album launch party in London on Friday? You should jolly well ask for an invite here, then - Beestings 9 - Here, have a pretty map of all 13,000 McDonalds branches in America - Geekologie 8 - What's the highest level of smarm that you think Simon Cowell could ever achieve? Double it. Double it again. You're still waaaay off - WWM 7 - Look, it's a lovely teasmade - Interestment
Cheryl Cole Is A Fully Dressed Spoilsport
Cheryl Cole is known for being in Girls Aloud, for marrying a rogue of a football player, and for more-often-than-not being fully dressed while in public. None of the above gives reason for anyone to take issue. Except for that wearing clothes lark. That's a pain in the bum. Not only does the singer/ TV presenter insist on conducting herself in a rather respectable manner, she's now come out and said that she would not consider doing a nude photo shoot. Elaborating that she would consider it tacky. Cheryl's assertion that she would like to remain clothed as often as possible, even in the bath, seems odd. Especially since we just made that last bit up. Not least because her girl group are often onstage clad in what closely-resembles bondage gear. Oh well. We're guessing S&M gear still technically counts as clothing.Very tight clothing that comes with a free tube of thrush medication.
Cheryl Cole is known for being in Girls Aloud, for marrying a rogue of a football player, and for more-often-than-not being fully dressed while in public. None of the above gives reason for anyone to take issue. Except for that wearing clothes lark. That's a pain in the bum. Not only does the singer/ TV presenter insist on conducting herself in a rather respectable manner, she's now come out and said that she would not consider doing a nude photo shoot. Elaborating that she would consider it tacky. Cheryl's assertion that she would like to remain clothed as often as possible, even in the bath, seems odd. Especially since we just made that last bit up. Not least because her girl group are often onstage clad in what closely-resembles bondage gear. Oh well. We're guessing S&M gear still technically counts as clothing.Very tight clothing that comes with a free tube of thrush medication.
American Idol? Ahh, Don’t Even Bother, Says Ex-Contestant!
Hands up who remembers Chris Sligh from American Idol. Anyone? No? Fine. To refresh your leaking memory he was the fat guy with the glasses, who made it through mainly because he had a moderately good sense of humour, which papered over the cracks of his rather less impressive singing voice. He looked like Jack Osbourne. He also loved Jesus. Far more, it seems, than he loves American Idol these days. Writing on his blog, the tubby singer thought it high time he put paid to this ridiculous notion that a talent show will reap any kind of reward, as he ripped into a tirade of startlingly obvious home truths, telling future contestants what it's really like when the spotlight fades.
Hands up who remembers Chris Sligh from American Idol. Anyone? No? Fine. To refresh your leaking memory he was the fat guy with the glasses, who made it through mainly because he had a moderately good sense of humour, which papered over the cracks of his rather less impressive singing voice. He looked like Jack Osbourne. He also loved Jesus. Far more, it seems, than he loves American Idol these days. Writing on his blog, the tubby singer thought it high time he put paid to this ridiculous notion that a talent show will reap any kind of reward, as he ripped into a tirade of startlingly obvious home truths, telling future contestants what it's really like when the spotlight fades.
X Factor Recap: Big Double Bill Action
And so it was the weekend when the big pulsating brains behind X Factor decided that they might as well do two shows in two days. That equals around three hours of hot singing action, plus judges comments. Dannii Minogue, fast receding into the background, has ceased to say anything of worth, and the occasional flashes to her still, eerie face have carved her a niche as the only subliminal judge on the panel. The other three still cast their important judgements, and Cheryl has now taken to the stage on at least three occasions to hug the weeping contestants, much like Mother Teresa would, had she ever been given the chance to get out of the slums to judge a singing contest instead. She's dead now, bless her. Has been for ages.
And so it was the weekend when the big pulsating brains behind X Factor decided that they might as well do two shows in two days. That equals around three hours of hot singing action, plus judges comments. Dannii Minogue, fast receding into the background, has ceased to say anything of worth, and the occasional flashes to her still, eerie face have carved her a niche as the only subliminal judge on the panel. The other three still cast their important judgements, and Cheryl has now taken to the stage on at least three occasions to hug the weeping contestants, much like Mother Teresa would, had she ever been given the chance to get out of the slums to judge a singing contest instead. She's dead now, bless her. Has been for ages.
X Factor Recap: Olly Murs And Some Other Bad Idiots
Yay! Big Brother's finished! Yay! That means we can talk about X Factor now! Yay! Until Christmas! Yay! Or until we take our own lives! YAY! Now, X Factor is still in that awful, unnecessarily long early audition part where people turn up, sing in a hilariously bad way and then go home to develop lifelong violent revenge fixations on Louis Walsh. These episodes barely warrant recaps, to be honest, but how else could we spend our time? Seeing friends? Going outside? Pah. So here are the X Factor contestants from Saturday who caught our eye - Olly Murs, Demi Cullum and Carla Schettini...
Yay! Big Brother's finished! Yay! That means we can talk about X Factor now! Yay! Until Christmas! Yay! Or until we take our own lives! YAY! Now, X Factor is still in that awful, unnecessarily long early audition part where people turn up, sing in a hilariously bad way and then go home to develop lifelong violent revenge fixations on Louis Walsh. These episodes barely warrant recaps, to be honest, but how else could we spend our time? Seeing friends? Going outside? Pah. So here are the X Factor contestants from Saturday who caught our eye - Olly Murs, Demi Cullum and Carla Schettini...
