You may be sick of Rihanna releasing a new record every thirty seconds, but you ain’t got it so bad. Why? Well, Rihanna is sick. Properly sick. No. No sick of her releasing a record every 30 seconds. She’s actually sick-sick.

So what’s the deal then? Is she going to die?

Well, according to various reports, Rihanna has been put under 24-hour surveillance because those around her are so very, very worried about her health. Really worried. Worried she’s going to die eventually.

Apparently, she’s been struggling during the UK leg of her tour and is now being closely monitored. You only get closely monitored when you are going to die or something, right?

It must be bad and definitely, absolutely facty fact-fact getting worse because she nearly cancelled her show in Dublin last week.

No-one cancels a show in Ireland unless they are totally going to die or something.

She only went ahead with the show fter speaking to Beyonce on the phone. Does Beyonce know that Rihanna is going to die or something and wants RiRi to make the most of her life or something?

Wait.

She’s totally performing at the 02 tonight. There’s nothing wrong with her is there? This is just people fretting over Rihanna because she’s been working a lot recently.

TOO MUCH IN FACT. Stop releasing records or we’ll totally murder you.

Or something.

DON’T PANIC EVERYONE! Frankie from The Saturdays has been found alive and well! Go back about your business.

The World was left in a state of shock when The Saturdays pitched up on London’s Oxford Street to turn on the Christmas lights, only to find that Frankie (the one people know the name of) wasn’t there.

It turns out that the former S Club Juniors singer was just feeling a bit poorly, so wasn’t able to join her band mates when they officially started Christmas on Tuesday evening.

Rumours circulated that the singer must have been kidnapped as part of a terrorist plot to derail the musical behemoth that is The Saturdays. The plan came about when senior Al-Qaeda leaders discovered documentary evidence that suggested that The Saturdays, the most powerful pop group in the West, are unable to defend the country in their giant fighting robots, which can merge together to form a giant mechanical monster, when they are not all together.

Hold on, we may have confused the Saturdays with the Power Rangers for a minute.

No, Frankie just wasn’t feeling well and apparently wasn’t up to the task of standing on a stage with 4 other people to do a single synchronised movement, despite the fact that this has formed the basis of her career to date.

Now that she’s back, The Saturdays can resume being the biggest pop band in Britain that is still yet to have had any semblance of commercial success outside of an ad campaign or a copy of Now! magazine.

Although, thinking about it, we can’t help but feel that if The Saturdays did actually become Power Rangers, they’d probably be a bit more successful and we might actually care whether or not one of them was too ill to flick a bloody switch on Oxford Street.

Oh well, at least we now know how many Saturdays it takes to switch on a light bulb. If only we could remember their names.

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Are you gearing yourself up to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1? A lot of you have spent a lot of money watching the films of the children’s fantasy books, making the actors on the franchise very wealthy indeed!

And now, Emma Watson wants to tell us about her riches. A few years ago, when she was 17 or 18 (aka, the time when people stopped feeling quite so guilty about the impure thoughts they’d had about her) when her dad sat her down for ‘The Chat’.

Of course, when our parents sit us down to have ‘The Chat’ with us, it usually involves condom advice… however, when you’re Emma Watson, it involves your parents telling you how puke-inducingly wealthy you’ve become.

Up to that point, Watson had been living off a rather nice $75 per week (hecklerspray didn’t get spends at all, which saw us stealing money from mum’s purse or looking for change in phone boxes). However, the time had come to tell her about the sensitive subject of her actually being a millionaire.

Watson says:

“By the third or fourth film, the money was starting to get serious”

“I had no idea. I felt sick, very emotional.”

So how much money would it take you to nearly be sick? Well, if you’re Emma Watson, then it’s being worth around $32 million. This also means that, reportedly, she’s the highest paid woman in Hollywood. How do you like them apples?

Of course, now that her contract is up with the Harry Potter franchise, she went and chopped off all of her hair into a very cool Mia Farrow pixie cut.

So what now for the actress? Drink and drugs binges to give us yet another story of a child actress going nutso? Well, that seems incredibly unlikely as she’s irritatingly grounded. Probably thanks to her meagre allowance when she was younger.

Still, there’s hope because the young actress has gone to university where she is currently a sophomore at Brown University in Rhode Island, getting a degree in art and literature. Student life is definitely conducive to necking bottles of cheapo cider and getting love-bites off ne’er-do-wells.

Alas, she’s wealthy enough to never work again, so we can only hope she turns into some bonkers eccentric with a coat made out of live snakes and glasses made from Rowntrees Fruit Pastilles.

‘Til then, you’ll just have to ogle her in the new Harry Potter films and the endless merchandise that comes out just in time for Christmas.

Dirty sods.

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We said it about Finding Nemo and now we're saying it about Cloverfield – a film isn't really good unless it makes you want to blow chunks.

And on that basis, Cloverfield is probably the best film of all time. It's been reported that the movie is causing so much nausea in cinemas that ushers are staggering out of screening covered from head to toe in a nasty mixture of puke and semi-digested popcorn kernels. Almost.

Not because Cloverfield is gory, mind you – it's because the camera whooshes around all the time like we don't know what.

As we all know, record-breaking monster movie Cloverfield has been dubbed 'the social networking Godzilla'. Not because the Cloverfield monster just invited us to join a Facebook group called 'Woooarrrrrgggh! Hwuuuurgh!' – which is true – but because the whole thing's filmed in the style of a gang of pikeys making Diet Coke bottles explode with Mentos in a council estate carpark on Youtube.

And that's been a bit of a problem. Some Cloverfield audience members have been complaining that the fast-paced, shaky camera style have left them unable to follow what's going on. And that's mainly because they've been overcome by the uncontrollable desire to spray every piece of food they've ever eaten out of their mouths like it's a lumpy petrol pump. The Boston Herald reports:

“About 15 minutes into the movie my stomach started to hurt,” said Chris Hyde, 25, of Lynn, who saw the flick the night it opened. “Forty minutes into it, I had to close my eyes I was so dizzy. Finally, I left. It took me about an hour afterwards to recover.” “I had to get up and leave the theater for nearly 20 minutes just to keep from hurling,” said one blogger on the popular movie website IMDB.com. CNN reported that there have been similar complaints across the country from moviegoers.

That's the main problem with Cloverfield replicating a typical shaky Youtube video – while it's fine to watch that sort of thing in a window the size of your big toe on a computer monitor, if you blow it up onto a screen that's bigger than your house and make cola-filled pick-n-mix scoffers sit in a dark room watching it, people are going to get motion sickness.

However, it's worth remembering that so far there have been no reported cases of actual Cloverfield-inspired vomiting. And that's a let-down, to be honest. Maybe in the inevitable Cloverfield sequel Matt Reeves can go all out and film everything by hanging cameras from the ceiling by pieces of string on a boat in the middle of a stormy ocean. That's bound to get people throwing up.

Or just cast Drew Barrymore in it. Same result. 

Read more:

Monster-ful ‘Cloverfield’ does barf-o box office – Boston Herald  

It's been a long time since we heard from Eminem, but in the meantime it looks like he's been keeping busy by eating cake and walking around in wet clothes.

It's been reported, you see, that Eminem went to hospital over the Christmas period because of a serious heart condition and complications from pneumonia, with sources adding that he's increased in weight to over 200 lb. Of course, this illness and massive weight-gain means that Eminem can't be called Slim Shady any more, and so he's thought to be deciding on a new name, with either Fatt Poorly or Pensioner'z Illnezz being current front-runners.

In the past you couldn't help but stumble across comparisons between Eminem and Elvis Presley – after all, they were both white boys stealing black music and sending it mainstream. But now the comparison has never looked more accurate thanks to reports that Eminem has taken on Elvis' fondness for tubby reclusiveness and bouts of ill health. While it hasn't got to the 'death by shitting' stage yet, it's understood that things are actually getting quite serious for Eminem.

TMZ has reported that Eminem was rushed to a Detroit hospital over the festive period suffering from pneumonia, a bad heart and worrying weight-gain:

We're told Em was taken to a Detroit-area hospital for a serious heart condition and severe pneumonia. Sources tell TMZ Em's weight has ballooned to over 200 lbs. Eminem 's publicist told TMZ: "Over the holidays, Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem, was under doctor's care at a Detroit-area hospital for complications due to pneumonia. He has since been released and is doing well recovering at home."

At first, news of Eminem's illness probably seems sudden, but it's only after some thought that you come to realise that, actually, what is it that Eminem does any more? Sure, he's sold millions of records, but his last proper album came out four years ago. Since then there's been a Greatest Hits collection and a weak mix album to his name and nothing else with little on the horizon. Frankly Eminem could have caught pneumonia by digging a moat around his house naked, or contracted his heart disease by swallowing bees for a bet for all we know about him these days.

So hopefully Eminem will get better soon, and maybe even think about making more music at some point. Still, ever the optimists, at least there's something to be gained from Eminem laying in a hospital seriously ill – it'd be one less opportunity for him marry his ex-wife and then divorce her another couple of times.

Read more:

Eminem — Not Slim Anymore; Big Health Scare! – TMZ