Tonight’s the big night! After approximately most of our entire life, this series of Big Brother will end tonight.

We jest – in all seriousness Big Brother has actually had one of the best years on record. But nobody cares, because hardly anyone watched it and it’s dying soon anyway so what’s the point? Huh? What’s the bloody point point of anything any more?

Anyway, which of the remaining Big Brother housemates will end up winning the prize money, releasing a fitness DVD and embarking on a disastrous pop career? Time to have one final look, we suppose…

David – What? Surely there’s some mistake here. Apparently David is the least likely to win Big Brother tonight. That doesn’t make much sense – are you all watching the same David as we are? The David who introduced himself to the public by bellowing “UP YER FLAPS!” like a sort of furious Nordic walrus? The David who can’t even mention Vivienne Westwood without drooling and figuratively slapping at his genitals? The same David who blunders around the Big Brother house with the exact same Napoleon Dynamite meets Your Nan expression on his face regardless of the situation? Really? You people are weird.

Charlie And Rodrigo – We’re lumping Charlie and Rodrigo together here, because a) neither of them are going to win and b) they’re like two sides of the same psychologically-traumatised coin. They love each other, but they hate each other. They fight, but they kiss. They pour water on one another, but they embark on terrifying 45-minute shriek-rants about it in the Big Brother diary room afterwards. We’d like to say that Charlie and Rodrigo bring out the worst in each other, but that simply isn’t true – because we can barely remember that Charlie even exists at the best of times, even when we’re staring at a photo of his face with his name written all over it.

Siavash – Oh Siavash, so near and yet so far. If only Noirin had decided to give you an emotional kicking three weeks later, you would have waltzed away with the Big Brother prize. But sadly she didn’t – she loved you, ditched you and now you’re forced to repeatedly mumble “Hey, let’s all walk out” to yourself every couple of minutes for entertainment. Where’s the old, fun Siavash? Actually, no, there never really was a fun Siavash, was there? Because, seriously, if you had a functioning personality then you wouldn’t resort to growing a beard that crap, would you?

Dogface – And so to Dogface, or Sophie, or whatever she’s called now. Dogface needs to win Big Brother the least, in fairness – her gigantic boobs have all but ensured that she’ll be a lad’s mag staple for years to come – and yet somehow it looks like she’s going to. We’re going to put a Dogface victory down to the fact that she’s the least objectionable housemate remaining on Big Brother – except for David, obviously, but you idiots obviously can’t see that. However, Dogface does seem to have an inkling that she might win Big Brother – she’s just dumped Kris, and if that isn’t a statement of wanting to keep all her OK! covershoot money for herself, we don’t know what is.

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Yeah yeah, Marcus vs Siavash, blah blah blah – they’re killing Big Brother! They’re actually killing Big Brother!

It’s a sad day indeed. Big Brother has always been there for us – through the bad times, the other bad times, the worse times and the times that were so bad that we deliberately shat ourselves in protest at them – and, yes, we’ll miss it. What’s that? Big Brother‘s still contracted for one more year? Alright, we don’t like it that much. Jesus.

Anyway, this week Marcus and Siavash face eviction – not that it matters any more – so here’s what we think of them…

Siavash – Siavash won’t be evicted from the Big Brother house tomorrow night because he’s like a big, slightly rebellious cow. He’s good natured and passive, and he only misbehaves when the farmer doesn’t warm up his milking hands properly or something. Oh, what’s the point? It doesn’t really matter if Siavash goes or not tomorrow, because Big Brother is leaving us anyway. And you know what it’s giving us as a goodbye present? A void. A great big empty void that lasts all summer. How does Channel 4 expect us to spend our summer evenings? Huh? Going out? Meeting people? Doing something more worthwhile than spending every evening sitting there with a bloody notepad writing about idiots we don’t even like very much? Thanks, Channel 4. Thanks a bloody lot.

Marcus – Meanwhile, Marcus is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night because… oh, you know what? Nobody cares. If people cared then they’d still be watching Big Brother, and they obviously aren’t watching Big Brother because if they were then Channel 4 would keep showing it. In fact, you care so little about Big Brother that you’re probably not even reading this, are you? We’re just talking to ourselves. Well fine. Nobody watches Big Brother and nobody is reading this, so we’ll just say whatever the hell we like and there’s nothing that anybody can do about it. Winky woo. There, see? Winky winky woo. Winky winky winky winky winky winky bloody poxy woo. WINKY WOO.

We’re so alone.

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On Friday, Bea got evicted from the Big Brother house, which isn’t really news because Bea was rubbish.

So what other Big Brother news is there? Well, Big Brother is going for starters, and we’ve decided to take that fact as something between a depressing critique on the state of the nation and a direct personal insult. What else? Nothing. Nothing has happened on Big Brother, in the last few days or ever, frankly.

Nevertheless, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week – Siavash, Charlie and Lisa…

Siavash – Common consensus is that Siavash is the housemate most likely to win Big Brother this year, but that’s bollocks isn’t it? It’s got to be – what does he actually do? Seriously, because we’d love to know. Noirin isn’t twisting him into emotional pretzels any more, Cairon isn’t drawing faces on his arse any more, and frankly he’s the least convincing flamboyant Jesus bear we’ve ever had the misfortune to witness. Literally the only thing going for Siavash is his constant refusal to nominate anybody. And that hardly makes him Ghandi, does it? Ghandi had better hair. Buck your ideas up, Siavash.

Charlie - Big Brother has long since stopped being popular enough to warrant Princess Nikki-style reality spin-offs, and that’s a real shame. Admittedly it’s only a shame because we desperately want to see what happens to Charlie and Rodrigo after the Big Brother final, but what’s so wrong with that? If their life outside of the Big Brother house even remotely echoes their life inside it, every episode of their show would be guaranteed to feature at least two of the following: 1) an awkward, emotionally backwards under-the-duvet embrace, 2) a moment of friendly horseplay, 3) Charlie overstepping the mark and making Rodrigo cross, and 4) Rodrigo charging up and down a corridor for two hours screeching “No! NO! Rodrigo NO!” to himself like a madman with a wasp in his brain. It’d be like EastEnders, only more schizophrenic and gay. Brilliant.

Lisa - Over the last week or so, Lisa has started to relax a little. There aren’t so many people to fight with, all her enemies are slowly vanishing and – crucially – she thinks she’s in with a chance of winning Big Brother. This is probably the best possible outcome for everybody, because in her head Lisa is planning all the things she’ll be able to do as winner – release an number one album, break down the nation’s sexual and gender-based barriers forever and possibly get a stint as a DIY expert on This Morning once a week. And she’ll never accomplish any of them. Because nobody really likes her. But she doesn’t know that. But she will. Oh, she will. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be cackling maniacally to ourselves in our underground lair.

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Thanks to Kenneth rubberstamping his tossishness by legging it over a wall last week, there wasn’t a Big Brother eviction on Friday.

But there’s still one less Big Brother housemate than there was on Friday morning, and that’s all thanks to Tom. Tom – who you may recognise as the muscular posho who periodically thought he was Maxwell from Big Brother 2005 – also left the Big Brother house this weekend because – oh, actually, who cares? He was rubbish anyway.

Instead of profiling the housemates who’ve caught our eye this week, we’re actually going to look at some of the loose Big Brother couples today. Exciting…

Noirash (Noirin and Siavash): The biggest news of the Big Brother week – apart from the fact that Big Brother chose a bunch of tedious flakes to be the new housemates – is the kiss between Noirin and Siavash. Did Noirin kiss Siavash because she heard that he was a favourite to win Big Brother? Did she do it to forcefully demonstrate to Marcus that she isn’t interested in him? Did she do it because she’s a compulsive attention-starved tease with zero self-esteem who constantly needs a man to chase her to validate herself? Or does she just really, really like crappy-looking beards? Maybe we’ll never know. And we’ll never know because Marcus is currently millimetres away from the edge, and by ‘the edge’ we clearly mean ‘bludgeoning Siavash to death with the back of a shovel’. Still, it was beautiful while it lasted.

Chodrigo (Charlie and Rodrigo): Although all the Big Brother focus has been on Siavash and Noirin this week, there’s also been a slow creep towards relationship status between Charlie and Rodrigo. And not a moment too soon, either – what with the bed-soaking and the bottle-throwing, their semi-affectionate horseplay was getting darker and darker by the minute, and seemed bound to end up with Rodrigo carving the words ‘WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?’ into his chest with some broken crockery. However, the timely introduction of David into the Big Brother house scared Charlie and Rodrigo into having a big gay snog with each other last week, and it seems likely that they’re only going to get closer and closer until one of them gets evicted. And it had better be Charlie. God, he’s awful.

Barfwit (Bea and Halfwit): In short, Halfwit clearly wants a piece of Bea but she isn’t having any of it. This is either because she doesn’t want to be tarred as an opportunistic hussy by getting together with a man on television, or because she’s freaked out by the idea of kissing Ming The Merciless‘ unbearable inter-railing nephew. We don’t know which of these is true, because we genuinely don’t care about either of them.

Later this week: The Big Brother eviction nominees. Provided there is an actual eviction this time. Cuh.

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We’re confused. Scared and confused. Scared and confused and incontinent. And it’s all Big Brother‘s fault. Sods.

Why? What did Big Brother do? It didn’t nominate Halfwit for eviction this week. Don’t these idiots understand how Big Brother works? Nothing ever happens and then Halfwit gets nominated for eviction. THAT’S HOW BIG BROTHER WORKS, IDIOTS!

But this week, oh no. The Big Brother housemates have realised that a bucket of plague couldn’t shift Halfwit from the house, which is why Shiavash, Dogface, Noirin and Karly are up for eviction instead. So let’s have a bloody look at them, then…

Siavash – Hey, fans of genuinely mental facial hair! Relax! Your hero Siavash should be safe this week. You see, Siavash has pulled off a very unusual trick in recent weeks. It’s known as ‘being fairly reasonable’. We don’t know where he got it from – we’re assuming that he copied it from someone, because nobody with a dress sense that alarmingly awful could come up the the idea of niceness by himself. And besides, Siavash was only put up for eviction this week because he’s got a slightly dirty mouth. And remember kids, swearing is cool AND grown up!

Dogface – You know when you go to the zoo and there’s a old couple of lions? And then the boy lion dies and the girl lion spends two months forlornly staring out into space before dying as well? Strap a pair of ridiculous comedy tits onto the girl lion and that’s basically Dogface’s predicament inside the Big Brother house. Since Kris was evicted, Dogface has had little to do except mope around, halfheartedly fend off a number of lesbian advances and moderately swear. The swearing’s why she’s been nominated, by the way. It’s like a kind of verbal euthanasia, or something.

Noirin - Look, we’re going to stick our neck out here and beg you. You absolutely must not vote Noirin out of the Big Brother house this week. By general consensus, this has been the dullest Big Brother ever, and the only housemate even attempting to punctuate that is Noirin. Yes, she’s opinionated. Yes, she’s loud. Yes, she’s completely alienated everyone else in the Big Brother house by acting like an uppity brat – but without her, what would Big Brother be? Three months of Rodrigo being reasonable? Ugh. UGH. Plus Noirin keeps promising to get naked and she hasn’t yet. That reason too.

Karly – And then there’s Karly, the favourite to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. Which is bizarre, because it goes against every piece of Big Brother logic we’ve ever heard. Usually the public will need to remember that a housemate actually exists to evict them, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with Karly. She’s tried to slip under the radar and failed, probably because she’s too busy doing her best to look like Fearne Cotton if Fearne Cotton had been born in a caravan and then bullied into prostitution at an early age by an abusive step-father figure. Anyway, it looks like Karly’s a goner.

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So here’s the good news – on Friday Sree was evicted from Big Brother, ridding us of one the most annoying characters in years.

Now here’s the bad news – on Friday Sree was evicted from Big Brother, ridding us of any more conflict and therefore any more interest and therefore any more point of watching Big Brother. No, wait, not having to watch Big Brother is good news, not bad news. It’s a win-win. This calls for cocktails.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Marcus – Now this is a shock. Apparently Marcus – the man in his thirties who still lives with his mother and obsesses over Wolverine so much that he’s done everything in his power to physically resemble him – might be a little odd. Who saw that coming?In fact, Marcus is so odd that around 50% of Friday’s Big Brother consisted of nothing but him ranting directly at the camera in the diary doom. To be fair it was an excellent rant – the jist of it was that he’d threatened Sree, Big Brother gave him a warning for threatening Sree, and then he started threatening Big Brother as floridly as he possibly could. However, it did leave Marcus looking dangerously unhinged, not least because his first words after leaving the diary room were “NAH MY TEA’S GORN FACKING COLD YOU WANKAHS!” which he bellowed into the heavens like an actual war cry. We think we can safely state that Marcus won’t be evicted from Big Brother any time soon. That’s not because the viewers will side with his demented anti-PC stance, but because we assume that Marcus will be kicked out of Big Brother for attacking one of his fellow housemates with a bo staff he’s made out of a broomstick within the week.

Rodrigo - What’s the golden rule of Big Brother? It’s that you can only win if you’ve been through an emotional journey during the show’s duration. This is the precise reason why Rodrigo will never win Big Brother. He hasn’t been on anything approaching an emotional journey for the simple reason that he lives in a bubble. Admittedly it’s a bubble that’s full of puppydogs and rainbows and unicorns and moonbeams, which makes Rodrigo a fairly endearing Big Brother housemate, but it still makes for a fairly one-dimensional viewing experience. We suppose that the nearest comparable Big Brother housemate to Rodrigo is Glyn from a few years ago. He was an innocent as well, but at least he went on a journey. We’ve forgotten what that journey involved – we have a feeling it had something to do with him not being able to cook eggs and then learning how to cook eggs – but it was still more than Rodrigo has managed. What’s our point? We’ve forgotten that too, actually. We think it was that Rodrigo needs to cook more eggs. Yes, that was definitely it.

Siavash – Without question, Siavash has turned out to be the most disappoint housemate of this year’s Big Brother. Why? Well, look at him for starters – Siavash dresses like a Jesus bear with a disturbing fascination for the 1980 musical The Apple. That alone should make him the biggest cock in the Big Brother house. No, the biggest cock in the country. No, the biggest cock in the world. No, the biggest cock in the universe. Siavash should be the biggest cock in the universe. But he’s not. He’s sort of nice and well-rounded and down-to-Earth. And that, friends, is boring. It’s like buying a porno mag and opening it to discover that it’s really a Haynes manual for a 1976 Austin Allegro. Oh well, at least Siavash did give us all glimpses of cockishness early on, by drawing on his bottom and beatboxing perpetually, but they all vanished when Cairon was evicted. It’s enough, though. He’s shown that the cockery isn’t entirely latent. Fingers crossed that it’ll rear up in the next few weeks and we can get round to properly thinking that he’s a tit.

Later this week: the Big Brother eviction nominees.

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On Friday, Big Brother said goodbye to Cairon. Farewell Cairon, we barely knew ye.

Which is just as well, really, because you seemed like a massive turd. But good luck with the rest of your life. And good luck with that whole ‘pretending to be American’ thing. We’re sure you’ll end up being at least partially convincing at it one day. But with Cairon gone, what else has been going on in the Big Brother house?

We’re not completely sure, but here’s what we think of Marcus, Angel, Karly and Siavash anyway…

Marcus – For the first week or so of Big Brother, it looked like Marcus was playing the classic ‘head down and gun for third place’ strategy. But it was always fairly obvious that someone that odd – with a haircut that impossibly terrible – wasn’t going to be able to keep a lid on his madness for very long. So that’s why it wasn’t a complete surprise when Marcus used this last week to out himself as a handsy pervert with a crippling comic book fetish who lives with his mum, seems to have a vocabulary that won’t stretch beyond the words ‘tits’ and ‘vibe’ and probably hasn’t ever seen a female woman in the flesh before. Combined, these facets of Marcus’s personality have created a bona fide nutcase. He’s already freaked out most of the girls in the Big Brother house by continually asking them to disrobe for him, and at this rate it’s only a matter of time before he goes rifling through someone’s underwear drawer with his face. However, his alienation from the rest of the house won’t be too much of a problem for him, because Marcus sees himself as a lone wolf. He’s not a wolf, though. He’s a bellend.

Angel – We’ll admit that we don’t know too much about this Angel chap, because he’s been keeping himself pretty much to himself lately. He talks in this inscrutable Russian accent all the time, too, which is a problem. However, we can feel ourselves starting to warm to Angel for a couple of reasons. Firstly, on Thursday, Angel decided to make a sort of engine noise with his mouth by humming and slapping his lips together for no other reason than because it really annoyed everyone else in the Big Brother house. And he wouldn’t stop doing it, no matter what they did. This sort of deliberate provocation sits very well with us, and we now want Angel to succeed at everything he attempts. Also on Thursday, if you needed to be convinced any further, Angel threw innocent young Sree against a wall, apparently in an effort to rape him. This was brilliant because it prompted perhaps the best anti-rape struggle in the history of the world – culminating in a kind of pained, impassioned “No! I’m happy with my life!” For these reasons, we think that we’ve started to want Angel to win Big Brother. Well done, sir.

Karly – Up until now, we’ll admit that we’ve been ignoring Karly a little. This has been because she is blonde girl with big boobs whose entire life’s ambition seems to be getting on the cover of Nuts magazine – which makes her identical to Dogface, but Dogface is more interesting because her hair is blonder, her boobs are bigger and the extent of her ambition seems to be even more jaw-droppingly vacuous. However, in recent days Karly has been trying harder to carve out an identity for herself within the Big Brother house, and that’s why we’re focusing on her today. What is this identity? Well, we now know that Karly is the girl who looks like Fearne Cotton would if her life had gone very, very wrong at an early age. Also, Karly is Scottish to such a pointless degree that she says ‘betch’ instead of ‘bitch’ which is amusing purely because of her determination to repeat it as much as she possibly can. Lastly, Karly is the Big Brother housemate with Chinese symbols tattooed down her spine – tattoos which, we suspect, translate to ‘I’m a massive twat who probably thinks this says something profoundly spiritual. It doesn’t. It says I’m a twat’. Mission accomplished, Karly.

Siavash – Siavash has an incredibly hairy bottom. That is all.

Later this week – who’s been nominated?

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First the facts. This is Big Brother’s tenth anniversary, and the fifth anniversary of us writing about it. We don’t know which is worse.

Nevertheless, the new series of Big Brother kicked off last night, which means that from now until let’s say the end of actual time itself, we’re going to have to watch hour after of hour of preening turdbaskets discussing nothing using a subnormal vocabulary. And we’ll be with you every ghastly step of the way.

But first we should probably introduce ourselves to the newest batch of Big Brother housemates, shouldn’t we? Fair enough, then…

GIRLS:

Norin, 25. SHE’S THE: Awful snob. Norin’s entire Big Brother entry tape consisted of her describing exactly how brilliant she is. She’s deeply religious, although she doesn’t care about anyone, her first word spoken inside the house was “fuck” and she recently showed an entire nightclub what her minge looks like, probably on purpose. Booed ridiculously on the way into the Big Brother house, but then redeemed herself later by letting a fey Brazilian man shave her eyebrows off. This also means that she’s a genuine Big Brother housemate now. Yes, it’s going to be that kind of series.

Beinazir, 28. SHE’S THE: Deliberately-polarising asylum seeker. Beinazir, by her own admission, is like a man. Her family escaped from a dictator when she was a child, something which much have been terrifying for her because it seems to have left her with the voice of a very old man. What will Beinazir do in the Big Brother house? Here’s our guess – nothing at all.

Sophie, 20. SHE’S THE: One who will have probably already got naked by the time you’ve read this. Honestly, Sophie is a smile and a pair of tits and nothing else whatsoever. On the way into the Big Brother house she complained that her hair looked quite flat. This is possibly the deepest thing that Sophie has ever done in her entire life.

Angel, 35. SHE’S THE: One with the ironic name. Apparently Angel is a professional boxer. We’re only guessing at that, though, because during her Big Brother entry tape she spoke in a genuinely incomprehensible Russian accent. If that wasn’t bad enough, she entered the Big Brother house in show motion dressed as a Victorian mime artist, almost as if she was deliberately trying to annoy the crowd. Angel won a Best Newcomer award at a 1992 Russian music ceremony, which ironically makes her more famous than the entire last series of Celebrity Big Brother combined. Given the choice, she’s like to be stuck in a lift with John Lennon, which is stupid. He’d stink the place out, wouldn’t he?

Lisa, 41. SHE’S THE: Lesbian. Honestly, she’s like a Daily Mail cartoon of a lesbian. Mohican, tattooed scalp, pierced nose. Remember Tracy from a couple years ago? Of course you don’t – and if you do, you should be ashamed. Anyway, Lisa’s just like her, but she also wears rubber pants. Has Big Brother ever had an incontinent lesbian punk before?

Sophia, 26. SHE’S THE: Slightly disabled one. Unbearably happy all the time, Sophie is a) a Lupus sufferer and b) a proper midget. It’s early days, but it seems as though Sophie speaks exclusively in a series of piercing hysterical squeaks. She also says she hates WAGS, something which she’ll probably never actually vocalise inside the Big Brother house because she’ll be too busy squeaking like a guinea pig in a tumble drier. Sophia wears boots that make her look like an Ewok. Sophia will probably end up winning Big Brother.

Karly, 21. SHE’S THE: One who’ll end up having a breakdown because Sophie’s got bigger boobs than her. An FHM High Street Honey, Karly possesses the ability to change her hair colour instantly with the power of her mind alone. She’s essentially a WAG in the making, so if you play in a Sunday league pub team somewhere, your luck’s probably in.

Saffia, 27. SHE’S THE: Woman most like Noel Edmonds. This is for the following reasons: 1) Saffia indulges in cosmic ordering from time to time, 2) Saffia has a love life that’s ragged and messy, 3) Saffia would consider lesbianism, 4) Saffia entered the Big Brother house in an outfit made from Mr Blobby‘s hide, 5) Saffia seems a bit like a wanker.

BOYS:

Rodrigo, 23. HE’S THE: Eccentric, possibly bisexual, foreigner. Another little ray of sunshine, Rodrigo is Brazilian but loves Britain. He apparently goes to church every day, presumably because he wishes he could sleep with LaToya Jackson and that’s obviously a deep sin to carry with him. If Kenneth from 30 Rock was Brazilian, he’d be Rodrigo. Rodrigo is only one of two legitimate housemates so far this year, because he shaved a girl’s eyebrows off. So yay for him.

Freddie, 23. HE’S THE: Young Conservative who lives in a stately home and yet still expects people to like him. Freddie often wears a genuinely awful hat, and believes in anarchy – presumably the sort of anarchy that’ll let him keep his bloody lake and sodding reggae-influenced indie music. Booed ferociously on the way into the Big Brother house.

Charlie, 22: HE’S THE: Lovely gay one. In his Big Brother audition, Charlie referred to his penis as his ‘nasty bone’, which is mildly discomforting. Other than that, there’s not a lot to say about Charlie. However, despite being a former Mr Gay UK, Charlie is also from Newcastle – which means that he sounds like Jimmy Nail and everything he says, no matter how innocent, sounds like a precursor to a violent bottle fight.

Kris, 24: HE’S THE: Bellend. Why is Kris a bellend? Because of his stupid Alex Zane haircut? Because he wears women’s T-shirts? Because, as a visual merchandiser, he has a job that doesn’t really exist? Because he has a much, much higher estimation of himself that he really deserves to, despite giving the impression that he’s never even so much as kissed a girl? Yes. The answer to all of these, damnit, is yes.

Siavash, 23. HE’S THE: Sponging, tiny-penised bastard. Is Siavash a stylist? An event organiser? Who knows? All we do know is that Siavash looks a bit like what Jesus would look like if Gok Wan was a Biblical disciple, and that – in true Big Brother fashion – he has a disproportionately high opinion of himself. We’re not sure how Siavash will fare within the Big Brother house, but judging by his hair, beard, wardrobe and generally overbearing smug hipster attitude, he’s essentially a distillation of everything crap about London.

Sree, 25. HE’S THE: Virgin. Sree is Indian, a Hindu, and appears to be comically straightlaced. Will Big Brother lead Sree astray? Hopefully not, because Sree seems to be a bit teddy-bearish and lovely. But hopefully yes, because Big Brother is only really any good when it’s actively destroying the lives of others, isn’t it?

Cairon, 18. HE’S THE: New Spiral. Cairon speaks with an American accent, just like that albino bloke who had the shuddering meltdown last year. Apparently Cairon wants to be a rapper – not because he’s talented or anything, but because he’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY. He’s so straight he feels weird even wiping his own bottom. Despite this, he seems like a polite young man. Historically, this means won’t say a single word until he’s booted out of Big Brother a month in.

Marcus, 35. HE’S THE: Bizarre, antisocial polymath. Marcus loves comic books so much that he’s grown a ridiculous set of Wolverine sideburns. And he’s got a giant ponytail. And he wears a vest. And, judging by his Big Brother entrance, people seem to love him. One to watch, maybe. But only out of professional obligation, you understand. We wouldn’t willingly watch Big Brother. God, no.

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