News has reached us here at hecklerspray of a really tragic event that should highlight age issues throughout our society. For too long people have gone about their daily lives, scarcely giving a thought to the older people in our society, people who are too old and frail to care for themselves properly.

As the economic slump continues and people find it just too damned expensive to squeeze out babies like they’re going out of fashion, the world’s population will continue to get older and it is to our older friends and neighbours that we must look to and offer a helping hand in their hour of need.

It’s news like this that really hammers that fact home.

Yes, we are loathe to report to you that 63 year old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has taken a “nasty fall” in the shower and has been rushed to hospital.

Little is known of his current condition but it has been suggested that the American Idol judge escaped with only a few broken teeth with doctors claiming that his injuries could have been much worse if his lips hadn’t cushioned the fall. hecklerspray is thankful that this elder statesman is due to make a full, toothy recovery.

Unfortunately, the Aerosmith representative that we didn’t speak to was unable to give us any more information on the older gentleman’s condition but did suggest that he may have to use a wheelchair as part of a publicity stunt.

Please folks. Hug a pensioner. Unless they’re off their tits on smack, obviously.

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Here in the hecklerspray bedsit, we’re often told off for using inappropriate words to describe the girls’ genitalia. In fact, there was a time that Matthew Laidlow had to spend three weeks hooked up to a catheter after asking Joanna Bolouri if he could cop a feel of her “pouch”. After that, Editor Mof came up with some severe guidelines on sexual harassment and the bedsit hasn’t been the same since.

The real question is, how do you refer to your genitals? It’s not because we have any real interest in knowing, you understand. We just want to focus on what’s important in this column. We want to focus on the real issues of the day and do that we need to know what you ladies call your vagina.

Okay, we’ll admit it. We don’t know, nor do we want to know.

After all, what you call your genitals is no business of ours, right? We don’t care that you named your breasts Babs & Windsor after the busty star of ‘Carry On… Whatever’ and we definitely don’t care that you named your vibrator Simon because you have a worrying crush on Simon Cowell that you’ll never admit to in public.

It’s none of our business.

We also definitely don’t care about your hygiene but fans of using Spotify for free will have noticed that it does. Not only does Spotify care about every single one of the things we’ve just mentioned, so does Miranda Hart. Miranda Hart. Come on, you know the one. She has that sitcom where she pretends to be a bumbling fool who gets into wacky, yet mundane situations to the basic mirth of a few Guardian-reading snobs who prefer to be told what they’re allowed to like.

Of course, we know there are two passionate schools of thought on Miranda Hart and her show. People either seem to love it or hate it so, in the interest of balance…

…Miranda Hart! Come on! You know her! She’s wonderful! She does the show Miranda where she preys on her own insecurities to write a wonderfully fun and heartwarming comedy of errors. She was in Hyperdrive as well- it was surprisingly good.

There. Balance. Here at hecklerspray we don’t feel passionately enough either way about Miranda Hart, her show, or all of the comedy awards she’s won to bother making this all about her. That being said, what do you reckon Miranda Hart calls her vagina?

It’s a shower gel that’s designed with the sole intention of making sure your bits stay fresh. Isn’t that nice? Nice and fresh. There’s nothing better than keeping your fandango fresh. Fandango. Fannnnndango. A fandango is a dance performed in triple-time. That implies a really quick in-and-out of the ol’ fandango. It doesn’t imply any pleasure, does it?

Who’s actually calling their vagina their “fandango” anyway? It’s a word that has been altered into the Scottish vernacular as ‘fan-dan’ which means ‘fanny’ which, in turn, means that someone’s being a bit of a berk. It’s not something that we can imagine anyone actually describing their sexual organs as. It’s also the name of a Lucasarts point-and-click adventure game entitled ‘Grim Fandango‘.

The characters in Grim Fandango are all skeletons. Essentially what we’re saying is that- in the bedsit at least- anyone calling their vagina a ‘fandango’ will instantly make us think of a grim skeleton and no-one wants to have their vagina compared to Kate Moss like that, do they?

Also, at no point does Miranda ever refer to it as “yer fanny” in a voice dirtier than a Pirate’s lunchbox so we suppose that’s something. It’s the little miracles that keep us going…

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Miley Cyrus is everywhere – TV, movie, magazines, record stores – so you’d expect that the girl would like a bit of privacy now and then.

Tish tosh, people, nothing of the sort. In fact, not even Miley Cyrus’ constant media saturation is enough for her – which is why she appears to be chronicling her entire life with photographs in an incredibly regimented way. Even the part of her life that involves posing in the shower in just a wet white T-shirt.

That’s right – photos of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus standing under a shower in just a wet T-shirt have been doing the internet rounds. It’s about the 15th set of embarrassingly provocative photos that Miley Cyrus has had to deal with, but it’s by no means the worst – rumour has it there’s a candid snap somewhere of Miley enjoying and dancing to her father’s song Achy Breaky Heart. That’d just finish her career instantly.

The best thing about Miley Cyrus isn’t her ability to galvanise entire generations into thoughtlessly buying everything she’s involved in, it’s that she never learns.

Seriously, Miley Cyrus is like a goldfish or a sitcom character when it comes to taking stuff onboard. Admittedly it’d be quite a creepy sitcom about a very young teenage girl with an obsession about taking her clothes off in any situation she can think off, but it still counts.

For example, it wasn’t so long ago that photos of Miley Cyrus rolling on a boy’s lap in her pants found their way onto the internet. They were shocking, and Miley Cyrus was sorry – so sorry that she posed sort-of topless for Vanity Fair weeks later. Those pictures were shocking, and Miley Cyrus was sorry – so sorry that she’s taken a bunch of photos of herself posing in the shower wearing just a see-through wet T-shirt. Fox reports:

A purported photo of Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus posing in the shower while wearing a white T-shirt is circulating the web. The photo was allegedly obtained by a hacker at DigitalGangster.com, who reportedly accessed the actress’s cell phone memory. When asked about the photos, Cyrus’ rep, Jill Fritzo, would only say “Old photos, old news.”

We think we can safely say on everyone’s behalf – phew. These aren’t new photos of Miley Cyrus at all. Breathe a sigh of relief folks – you’re not looking at photos of a 15-year-old girl in the shower. You’re looking at photos of a 14 or possibly 13-year-old girl in the shower. Panic over.

But as shocking and a little off-putting as these new Miley Cyrus shower photos are, the man who claims to have hacked them from Miley’s phone says there are far worse ones to come. Lord alone knows kind of depravity will be contained in those photos, but we’ve drawn up a shortlist of the most likely scenarios:

*A Vanessa Hudgens-style naked photo of Miley Cyrus.

*A photo of Miley Cyrus dressed up like a full-blown S&M dominatrix with her high-heeled boot crushing a man’s testicles.

*Images of Miley Cyrus both looking and acting her age for once.

We know the last one sounds far-fetched, but we’re through the looking glass here, people.

Blackout is probably the most important album that Britney Spears will ever release, so how she goes about promoting is key – for example, Britney wouldn't want to cut a mumbled half-interview with Ryan Seacrest short to take a shower.

No, wait, our mistake – Britney Spears would want to cut a mumbled half-interview with Ryan Seacrest short to take a shower. Yesterday morning in what appears to be her only piece of actual promotion for the album that could make or break her future as an artist, Britney Spears had a telephone interview with Ryan Seacrest in which she exclusively revealed her love of cookies and how she thinks the world is slightly cruel. Then Britney abruptly cut it short to listlessly meander off to shower.

Still, at least we know that Britney Spears showers now. We had wondered.

Call us old-fashioned, but if we had spent the last three years of our lives thumping out accidental redneck babies from our vagina, divorcing the redneck who put them up there in the first place and having disquieting bald-headed suicide attempts in rehab where we honestly believed ourselves to be the devil, we'd want the promotion of our comeback album to be bulletproof.

You know the kind of thing – wall-to-wall interviews, maybe a TV special, a big tour – just to reassure the world that we were still the pleather-loving virginal schoolgirl of a pop star they came to love a decade ago. But that's just us. Britney Spears, you see, has other ideas.  

So far Britney Spears has announced her comeback by miming to songs in clubs, miming to songs in front of the whole world looking like a concussed prostitute, wiping dog turds on expensive dresses and losing her children to a cornrowed pirate thanks to a judge calling her a giant drug addict. All Britney needs to do now is send a hungry bear into a post-natal clinic and she'll have completed the full house of badly-advised album promotion techniques.

But yesterday Britney Spears decided to change this by doing some actual promotion for Blackout by letting Ryan Seacrest interview her on his radio show. And, yes, Britney was in bed at the time. And she didn't seem to have a clue about anything going on around her. And she cut the interview short without saying goodbye so she could go and have a shower. But it still counts as an interview, OK? Take 40 reports on what few full sentences Britney Spears did manage to murmur out before she realised how dirty she was:

Seacrest asked her all about her custody case, and if she is doing everything she can to regain some custody of her children, to which she replied, "Oh God yeah. People say what they want and do what they do and it's sad how people, how cruel our world can be… At the end of the day… you've just got to know in your heart that you're doing the best you can and that's basically it." Britney, clearly not across the details of her court case, said, "That's like, all in the court. Stuff like that, my lawyers know all that stuff." 

Then Britney was gone, leaving her cousin Alli Sim to blurt some halfhearted excuses about her whereabouts before hanging up.

But, as much as she basically managed to reinforce every single negative preconception about her during the interview without managing to look even slightly self-aware, it does go to show what a class act Britney Spears is. After all, it took Heather Mills a full day of berserk self-promotion to get the planet to realise what an idiot she is, but Britney Spears achieved the same reaction just by mumbling four sentences about nothing in bed and then taking a shower.

We should really be applauding this woman for her efficiency, if anything.

Read more:

Britney's Quick Pre-Shower Interview - Take 40