Kelly Osbourne, a girl who has more hang-ups than a gallows convention, is shouting her mouth off again in the hope that it makes her appear like she’s one of those Z clicking independent wimmin who won’t be taking no grief from no-one. OKAY?

However, she’s not being all feminist, rather, she’s saying that Hollywood only has two types of people. Charmingly, the two kinds of souls there are fall into either the bitch category, or under the umbrella of ‘slut’.

And with that, she’s confessed that she’d rather be a bitch than a slut. That’s the charm we’ve come to expect from a girl who has yet to work out her purpose in the world whilst taking it out on everyone else.

Of course, being a nasty, loudmouth git isn’t ever simply an exercise in meanery. Rather, like those who start sentences with “I’m not being funny, right…”, it is an exercise in ‘standing up for yourself’.

And that’s exactly what Kelly Osbourne is telling herself when she brands other women ‘sluts’.

“This is something that my mom taught me when we’re growing up in the industry and I don’t know how to word this, but you’re either a slut or a bitch, and I would rather be a bitch.”

“I have this thing ever since I was a kid, like, if I don’t like someone, I just don’t like them.”

That’ll explain why our Kelly is so popular then.

But alas, the person Kelly hates more than anyone else is Kelly Osbourne.

That’s right. She’s been wishing she were dead.

“I woke up one day and I couldn’t believe that I was hoping that if I took a bit more that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. And that’s what really scared me. I was just like I can’t believe I have become this person.

Sadly for us bitches and sluts, Kelly has decided to sort herself out with a spot of rehab. She can only hope that the people who work there don’t have the same ‘if I don’t like you, there’s nothing I can do about it’ attitude as her, eh readers?

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Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres, full-scale wild-eyed boogaloo angry sobbing televised breakdowns are all the go, and that's why nobody really doubted that Heather Mills would try her hand at one before long.

But nobody could have expected that Heather Mills' red-faced tantrum would have been so berserk. However, on GMTV this morning Heather Mills had one of the most spectacular televised breakdowns in all of history than included Heather Mills screaming comparisons between herself, Princess Diana and Kate McCann, conducting direct-to-camera threats to all journalists everywhere, claiming that people are trying to kill her, claiming that she wants to kill herself and demanding that the European courts immediately change the laws so that newspapers are only allowed to say what a wonderful person Heather Mills is.

It's a cracker, promise.

Divorce is hard enough on anyone, but it's even harder for Heather Mills. That's because a) Heather Mills is divorcing Paul McCartney in an intensely high-profile case, b) the whole world has taken Paul McCartney's side and dismissed Heather Mills' claims that Paul stabbed her as nonsense and c) Heather Mills is Heather Mills and you're not Heather Mills, which makes Heather Mills the winner. 

Although Ellen DeGeneres recently pushed the boundaries of televised tantrums about stuff hardly anyone cares about, the bar was well and truly raised this morning thanks to Heather Mills' startling 20-minute outburst on GMTV. You see, all Heather Mills wants to do is continue her pig-pointing charity work – and, you know, get £10,000 a day from Paul McCartney – and the media keeps putting her down. Just like it did to Princess Diana, and look what happened to her.

Not that we're comparing Heather Mills to Princess Diana, of course. No, Heather Mills is perfectly capable enough of doing that herself. The Telegraph quotes:

“They make up such lies. They’ve called me a whore, a golddigger, a fantasist, a liar, the most unbelievably hurtful things, and I’ve stayed quiet for my daughter… I’m so upset about this… I’ve had worse press than a paedophile or a murderer and I’ve done nothing but charity for 20 years … Look what they’re doing to the McCanns. The woman has lost, and the poor father, have lost their daughter. What are we doing as a nation? What are we doing persecuting a woman that is devastated behind closed doors and trying to hold it together, as I have for 18 months. What did the paparazzi do to Diana? They chased her and they killed her."

Well, to be fair Heather Mills has spent the last 20 years doing nothing but charity, endless self-publicity, marrying an elderly multimillionaire, backflips on dance-based TV shows and a set of bewildering photos for a 1988 German sex manual that involved her rubbing dairy onto her bare knockers and licking a man's translucent jellified penis. But we'll let that slide for now. 

Other Heather Mills highlights from the GMTV interview included:

“My plan is to change the law in the European Parliament and I will do it. I need to get everybody to petition that they don’t want to be lied to any more by the press."

“My sister was crying her eyes out because that awful Jordan and Peter Andre did a joke on Sunday and I’ve six amputee girls crying their eyes out because they’re getting bullied at school because people are joking about the loss of my limb."

"I have a box of evidence that's going to a certain person should anything happen to me, so if you top me off, it's still going to that person, and the truth will come out."

Of course, coming just a few weeks after Heather Mills and Paul McCartney failed to reach a divorce agreement, this could be seen as Heather's last chance at scaring Paul into giving her what she wants. Otherwise she really is scared of all the death threats she's claims she's getting and this is her last resort. Or, you know, it's just been a while since Heather Mills wailed in public and she fancied another pop at it. Probably one of those three.

But, hey, if we hated the media as much as Heather Mills, we'd probably just hide away and avoid the limelight instead of going on TV and wailing like a cat falling down a liftshaft. But that's just us.

Read more:

Heather Mills McCartney Breaks Down On GMTV – Telegraph