In the UK, the only real battle we have is between “Team Peter” and “Team Katie.” Whilst they’re both like persistant scabs who scar the celebrity landscape, people are genuinely torn between who they prefer. Do you go for the ex-tit model or a bloke who is so fame hungry, that he went back into the “I’m A Celebrity” Jungle of Obscurity?

Over in America, there are loads of couples who frequently split up once they’ve bagged the cash for the wedding tie-in photos or TV special. Ain’t that right Kim Kardashian? Occasionally though, a celeb breakup can be real and quite literally messy as Rihanna found out when human Muppet impersonator Chris Brown splattered her pretty face across the inside of his car with his fists.

Only idiotic “Team Breezy” fans are willing to ignore his bout of domestic violence and his further dickish acts of aggressive behaviour, instead claiming that the Crown Prince of Second Chances deserved a 312th chance. Restraining orders and court visits have passed and lifetime damage has have been done. We’re sure Rihanna will be thrilled to know that Chris Brown will be moving in down the street.

As we know all too well, Chris Brown is one of those rapper types. You know the sort, they parade around wearing clothes that are five sizes too big for them, parade around in music videos with their “bitches”, “hoes” and other gardening equipment all whilse wearing an assortment of bling that looks like tin foil concealing delicious chocolate underneath.

Essentially, rappers like everything on a grand scale. The house he bought would turn Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud giddy. We’re informed that:

“Brown purchased the glass-walled, three-bedroom, three-bathroom house for $1,550,000, getting a deal on the home that had been listed at $2,669,000 in 2009. The bachelor pad, designed by Jay Vanos, makes use of chrome and natural light and has an elevator from the garage to the main house.”

It’s the new neighbours of Chris Brown’s that we feel sorry for. Imagine living next door to someone who has a bedroom with a glass wall. The singer isn’t shy on getting his shrivelled up Frankfurter of a penis out, as photos on the internet disturbingly prove. But why is he moving in the first place? Is it out of spite to get back at Rihanna? No, it seems that buck tooth Brown has a problem with the disabled where he currently resides:

“Brown is selling his current West Hollywood home due to parking issues, as all the spots near his home were allocated as handicapped spots and the singer accrued thousands of dollars in parking tickets during his time living in the home.”

God damn those pesky disabled types who won’t let Chris Brown shave thirty seconds off his journey home. We’re just happy that he hasn’t started punching any of his handicapped neighbours to see if they’re telling the truth, or if they’re just benefit cheats. But for those out there who may be worried about poor Rihanna having to live close to her abuser, fear not, it probably won’t be for long. A letting agent blabbed to someone

“Rihanna has already put her Beverly Crest property on the market for a cool $4.5 million.”

Rihanna better move quick mind, with Chris Brown arriving, prices in the neighbourhood will quickly plummet.

Tupac Shakur wasn’t just one of the most average rappers to ever grace the mic. He was also a man who very rarely wore a shirt. He was really very, very keen when it came to showing off his grotesquely pumped up torso.

However, his family aren’t keen on the idea of another pumped up bit of his anatomy being aired for all to see as they’re threatening to sue anyone who publishes his sex tape.

Does this sex tape even exist? Seems so. And we’ve got ourselves a still from it with a disclaimer so no-one takes us to court.

Of course, the news that there was an inevitably disappointing sex tape was about to hit our brains saw something of a bidding war between smut vendors. However, Tupac’s family are vowing that this tape should never, ever see the light of day.

Presumably because it will tarnish his squeaky-clean image. If there’s one thing that Tupac didn’t do, like the other rappers, is shoot guns, smoke drugs and promote a life of murderous crime. He did swear a little though.

Yup, the rapper’s family have said that they “will sue anyone who tries to sell a Tupac tape.”

‘Pac’s mother – Afeni Shakur – has reportedly told her representatives:

“Get the legal team ready because we will not allow someone to put it out.”

Here’s TMZ providing the “photographic evidence” which supports the claim that this tape indeed exists. The tape itself, of course, allegedly shows Shakur getting his bits gobbled while he dances around and smokes what appears to be an exotic roll-up.

Money B of Digital Underground is also milling around, at one point, walking into the frame. Of course, Tupac being the kind soul that he is, apparently puts his arm around Money B, which is nice considering that his engorged member was on display while his little rapper eyes rolled around his soon-to-be-dead rap skull with pleasure.

Either way, this tape won’t do much damage to Tupac’s legacy… that’s because the huge number of dreadful posthumous releases have seen to that.

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There’s nothing quite like celebrity genitals. They’re much, much better than non-famous genitals. And trumping all those are the famous genitals of a celebrity cadaver. That’s why we’re all getting excited about Tupac!

See, Tupac Shakur isn’t just a pretty average rapper who got good in people’s eyes the minute he died.

He’s also a man who can get a nosh from a lady while dancing around to his own music while smoking cheap drugs. He’s our hero. And now, with the news that a sex tape is floating around, two bongo film distributors are locking becondomed antlers in a bid to buy it, so we can all watch it for free on some dodgy website. Seriously – there’s massive idiots out there who actually pay for skinny flicks.

The ferocious cock-fight to buy the rights to the Tupac sex tape has already seen bids hitting six-figures.

Get this. Such is the nature of this stupid industry, both companies are throwing the cheque book at it despite having not seen the footage.

BUT THEY WANT THE RIGHTS ALL THE SAME.

Let it be known that we are currently in possession of a 14 minute clip of a man receiving fellatio from a man AND a woman who APPEARS to be Elvis Costello. We’re assuming it’s Elvis Costello because we imagine that he’s got curly black pubes.

Start your bidding now. Especially YouPorn because you’re the only people properly daft enough to throw $150k at a tape you haven’t seen or verified yet.

And of course, there’s no real money to be made from this because everyone is going to stream it or torrent it elsewhere as soon as it hits the web.

Anyway, what would Tupac say about all this? Well, here’s a video relating to him being filmed with an engorged member.

Enjoy. Dirty swines.

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You remember Tupac Shakur don’t you guys? He was that vaguely famous rapper who everyone decided was really great because he died, rather than got good at rapping. In fact, he was a far better actor than he ever was at making music.

And this article does contain 2Pac on film and a little juice, but it’s not about lads getting into trouble and a DJing competition.

Nope. This is regarding a five minute tape that allegedly shows the rapper – now dead – receiving oral sex from an unidentified woman while he sings and dances along to his own music. That’s not unusual at all. We all love listening to our own voice on tape while dancing around with our member inside someone’s mouth. Perfectly normal behaviour.

Apparently, the footage was filmed during a house party in ’91 and sees Tupac, with a drink in one hand and quite probably a joint in the other, having a nice talk with Money B from Digital Underground while the lady continues to chew his guts.

Of course, professional ambulance chasers TMZ.com are the people everyone is looking at to release the tape.

It goes without saying that Tupac isn’t the first celebrity to appear in a sex tape, but he’s definitely one of the first famous corpses to appear in video with his excitable glans on the go.

And what with Shakur being elevated to a falsely lofty position thanks to his premature death (see also: Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger and Marilyn Monroe), there’ll be a whole load of interesting in seeing his famous wang getting some action.

We sincerely hope that this is the beginning of a new trend in posthumous sex-tape leaks, featuring people who can no longer blush when such a thing finds its way into the public domain.

That said, half the fun is the resultant squirming that greets every leaked nude and whatnot. All you need to know is that Tupac couldn’t rap for shit.

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Tupac. What a terrible, terrible rapper. Of course, he had bags of charisma and could’ve been a great actor, but seriously, he didn’t release many great records.

However, he most certainly saw the benefit of being shot. After taking a bullet, he cemented himself in the ‘for real’ league and then, well, he became a legend when he got shot and released more records in death than he did when he was alive like a black Elvis.

However, there’s those that don’t believe he’s even dead. Well, ‘Pac’s chums – The Outlawz – would beg to differ. Why? Because they smoked his ashes.

This isn’t some rap euphemism you’ve missed a memo on. The Outlawz are actually saying that they got his ashes and rolled them into a joint and smoked them.

Oh, they just happen to be reuniting as well, which is a huge coincidence.

Basically, the idea came from one of 2Pac’s tracks and the daft sods that make up The Outlawz went and took him seriously.

And here they are, telling you all about it and the nice chicken wings they had.

If you don’t know who The Outlawz are, they appeared with 2Pac on one of the most vicious beef records ever made in Hit ‘Em Up. Listen. It’s got bad words in it, obviously.

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THE BIG DOG IS IN THE HOUSE! 6 words that, when you hear them on the radio, let you know that it’s time to change the station, because the whitest man in history, Tim Westwood, is about to start broadcasting.

It’s fairly safe to say we all hate Westwood, after all what is there to love about a man who looks like a geography teacher painfully trying to hard to appear ‘street’ to keep his pupils interested?

But none of us seem to hate Westwood quite as much as Mark Bulcock.

Mr. Bulcock is currently in court for sending a series of threatening texts to the 53 year old DJ. A man Bulcock claims he, “admires.”

We can’t really blame Bulcock for sending abusive texts to Westwood, if any of us were forced to listen to a man over half a century old telling us how ‘fly’ that latest ‘snoop joint’ was then we’d probably just start sending torrents of abuse to him too.

However, this isn’t exactly the worst thing Westwood has had to put up with in his life. There was the time he got shot and the time he had to host Pimp My Ride UK, both of which were equally painful. Admittedly though, the latter was only painful to everyone else besides Westwood.

Whilst the Big Dog continues to occupy the house it doesn’t appear as if he’ll be dominating the court (the actual court, not the basketball court) with his mad lyrical skillz anytime soon. However, Bulcock will be back in the courthouse next month to be sentenced.

With Bulcock safely under lock and key we can all rest assured that Tim Westwood will live to offend our ears another day.

It’d be nice if, just once, the big dog would actually just stay in the house.

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Remember Tupac Shakur? Good looking, talented, excellent in Juice as the unhinged Bishop. He had it all apart from one vital thing – he really never made a decent record. Sure, there were a coupla good moments, but he was never truly great. So good thing he died young to cement his place in the pantheon of hip hop’s greatest.

Of course, his premature end was a big twist in one of pop-cultures most fascinating sagas. The Tupac/Biggie beef was big news for the music press at the time and, when Shakur was pictured flicking the bird while being wheeled onto an ambulance after getting shot, everybody was hooked, despite the lack of good records.

As you know, ‘Pac was eventually gunned down and the whole thing spawned a million conspiracy theories from blunted wasters, all scurrying around their modems trying work out whodunnit?, but to no avail. Then there were the corpse cash-in releases (posthumous, if you prefer). And now, the New York Police Dept. are investiagting a Tupac shooting all over again.

Now, seeing as New York City is like the modern equivalent of Rome, with all manner of immoral and dodgy stuff going down constantly, you’d think the NYPD would have something better to do than to look at the case of Tupac Shakur again, mainly because all their efforts won’t bring him back to life and, more pertinently, won’t stop the unending dross released under his name since he shrugged off his mortal coil.

That’s not stopping them though as they’ve launched a formal investigation into an online posting from felon Dexter Issac who claims to have shot and robbed Shakur in ’94. NYPD have to determine whether this claim is legitimate first. So if you’re living in NYC currently, and generally alive and a target for bullets, the police might not be able to help as quickly because they’re all having a circle jerk over a celebrity cadaver. Okay? Good.

Dexter, who is currently serving a life-sentence for a whole bunch of nasty shit, has decided to ‘fess-up, claiming that he was paid $2,500 dollars by James “Jimmy Henchman” Rosemond to rob Tupac at a studio in Manhattan.

Dexter says:

“He [Rosemond] gave me $2,500, plus all the jewelry I took, except for one ring, which he wanted for himself. It was the biggest of the two diamond rings that we took. He said he wanted to put the stone in a new setting for his girlfriend at the time, Synthia Ried. I still have as proof the chain that we took that night in the robbery.”

This is lovely timing on Issac’s behalf as it is the eve of what would have been Tupac’s 40th birthday. And with that, he’d like to apologise.

“I want to apologize to his family [Tupac Shakur] and for the mistake I did for that sucker [Jimmy Henchman]. I am trying to clean it up to give [Tupac and Biggie's] mothers some closure.”

Here we go again…

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As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is ‘the Orange Glow.’

‘The Orange Glow’ is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery – unknown even to his plus-size wife.

Other’s say it’s actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session.

Speaking of which – someone recently tried to murder him.

In an ideal world all reality TV stars would get either stabbed, shot, or mauled by a thousand geese which have somehow been weened off of duck food in favour of human flesh. It wouldn’t have to happen often – just once a season or so. Sweeps week seems like a good time to air those episodes.

Unfortunately for everybody though – this is not an ideal world. Puck was never gored by anything, Simon Cowell‘s never suffered a snake attack, and New York‘s mother had a deal fall through where she’d agreed to be pulled to pieces by four horses tied to her extremities. That last one was going to air on VH1, and the deal was for 15 million dollars. Its just what we heard.

One thing TV does have going for it though, at least recently, is that we can all at least watch Duane ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ Chapman get shot at. According to CNN:

When a fugitive fired shots at bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Tuesday night, cameras were rolling for his reality TV show, Chapman said. The man, later captured by Chapman’s wife and son, apologized to the Chapmans for shooting at them…[An] attempted murder charge — for shooting while fleeing — will likely be dropped because no gun was found [according to Dog].

When asked how he and his family avoided so many whizzing bullets, Chapman said only that he’d raised his huge mullet into a protective-shield mode where he and his wife his behind. Everyone else just hid behind Mrs. Chapman’s meaty leg.

All of that was very paraphrased, mind you. Or fabricated.

Well this must be a delightful change of pace for Dog. He’s got his show back since he decided not to be racist anymore. Mexico’s decided to let his rat-infested prison sentence slide a bit, and although all native Americans have made it quite clear they don’t want him crashing their tribal parties, Aborigines have given him an open invitation to tour their rain stick factories anytime he’s down under.

That’s who makes rain sticks, right? The Aborigines?

It just looks like a craft they’d be good at.

We thought so.

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As websites go, hecklerspray is one particularly bent on justice.

For instance, we think Charles Manson should get another life sentence or two tacked on to that which he was already given. We’d like to see Ted Bundy get executed again, and for the love of Pete we think it high time Rachel Ray finally gets what’s coming to her.

What’s coming to her is cookies or something. As far as we know she has never killed people on a mass scale, and deserves very little incarceration if any.

Another piece of undeniable justice that deserves to be held high pertains to one Mark David Chapman. We think he killed Marilyn Monroe or something. Anyway, he was up for parole for the fifth time recently – and once again got denied.

Probably because even seventy years later, people still really, really like Marilyn Monroe.

In 1980 Mark David Chapman, in a move he has since said was ‘wrong,’ stood in front of a good man and trigger-pulled five times. He eventually plead guilty to second degree murder and was convicted to a sentence of 20 years to life.

Well the twenty years is long-since up. He’s put in for parole four times in the past, and has been shot down every time. Fitting.

He just put in for it again – and the parole board came to the same decision. We couldn’t find a transcript for his most recent hearing, but we did come across one from 2000. Here’s an excerpt [sic]:

“Q. This involves an incident occurring in December of 1980 whereby you were in possession of a .38-caliber revolver. You apparently had some premeditated thought with regard to this incident. You waited for the victim in question, Mr. John Lennon, and at an opportune time, you apparently shot him a number of times, maybe as many as four or five. The record indicates that perhaps the revolver discharged five times. You hit him four times with the hollow-point bullets, and indeed you caused his death. Is that an accurate depiction of what happened, sir?

A. Yes, sir, it is.

Q. Can you please tell us what you were thinking about at the time and why you would do something so horrible?

A. I, um, flew to New York a few months before that to do that crime with full meditation in my heart. I then was able to somehow turn myself around and came back to Hawaii, and I told my wife that all was fine. And then the urges started building in me again to do this crime, and I flew back to New York on December 6th and checked into a hotel, and then on the day of December 8th, stayed outside the Dakota waiting for him with intent to shoot him and kill him….

“Q. And, Mr. Chapman, have you given thought in those long twenty years as to what’s behind all of this and why you were so possessed with doing such harm to this person who, for all of us having read about this, was doing no harm to whatsoever on your life or your you at all, had no livelihood; have you given thought to that —

A.Yes, I have.

Q. — why you had to single this guy out?

A. I was feeling like I was worthless, and maybe the root of it is a self-esteem issue. I felt like nothing, and I felt if I shot him, I would become something, which is not true at all.

Q. Mm hmm.

A. But that’s why I shot Mr. Lennon.

Q. And him in particular because he was someone that you admired, or you locked at him and his stature, and you thought this would have some impact on your life, sir?

A. Well, I originally — what happened was I was in the library, and I was looking through some books, and I came across a book called One Day at a Time, and I saw him there with photographs in front of his residence, the Dakota, and I was full of anger and resentment, you know. I took it upon myself to judge him falsely for — for, you know, being something other than, you know, in a lotus position with a flower, and I got angry in my stupidity. So it started with anger, but I wasn’t angry the night I shot him.”

To read more of that hearing, click right here. Its lengthy and interesting.

That’s a little farther into Chapman’s head than you ever wanted to get, right? Us too – unless its with an ice cream scoop.

But then violence using ice cream related hardware never solved anything now, did it?