With the weekend’s news largely comprising of the grim shootings in America and people wondering what happened to the Magic Of The FA Cup, we can, of course, rely on celebrities to do something non-threatening and stupid.

Enter Gabriela Irimia. Yeah, that household name that’ll no doubt be seeing you all searching Google and saying “Who the hell is that?”.

Well, Gabriela Irimia had her fifteen minutes of fame many years ago and now frequently regurgitates it, pecking at the small fame chunks she vomits up so she can cling on to some vague fame alongside her equally twin sister Monica. Basically, she’s one of The Cheeky Girls. That’s right. The gruesome twosome that everyone wishes would slink off into a darkened corner never to return.

Back on Pop Idol or possibly X-Factor – we can’t remember – this horrific sisterly duo popped on to our screens with a gimmick more annoying than the broken brainset of Jedward. They basically had a song about their arse which ushered in a  new low in British pop music.

With ropey dance moves, they asked us to touch their arses and not being shy about doing so. Would we ever do such a thing with them? No. But if Rihanna asked us…

Like most people from reality shows, The Cheeky Girls went on to make appearances in awful nightclubs before touring the university circuit so maths boffins can throw cheap lager at them before returning to their dormitories before the clock strikes 10pm, leaving The Cheekies to weigh-up offers from Coach Trip and oblivion.

But who says that reality stars are stupid? Gabriela Irimia even bagged herself a slightly well-known boyfriend. Well, that’s if you call a poor excuse for an MP Lembit Opik who got as far as getting engaged to one of them.

However, it all went HORRIBLY WRONG this weekend.

“Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia has been cautioned by police for shoplifting at a supermarket in Cheshire. Officers were called to Sainsburys in Alderley Road, Wilmslow, on Friday, where she was detained on suspicion of stealing groceries. The 26-year-old, from Essex, was given a caution for theft.”

A police spokesperson who wanted to get on the news said:

“At just before 2pm on Friday, January 7, Cheshire Police were called to a supermarket on Alderley Road, Wilmslow after a 26-year-old woman from Essex was detained on suspicion of theft of grocery items.”

Basically that’s about it. Around about now, we’d make some sort of witty comment about how the two look like vampires and should be killed with some Sainsbury’s own brand garlic, but we just can’t be bothered…

Shoplifting has always been a part of human culture, ever since Zog The Caveman got caught stealing mammoth tooth necklaces from the jewellery counter in Flinty McGinty's Wonderful World Of Weird Neanderthal Shit.

It was only with the 2002 trial of Winona Ryder, however, that shoplifting truly became a worldwide phenomenon.

Why? Because Ryder gave the genre that all-important celebrity endorsement, that's why. And – as we all know – if a celebrity does something, then it instantly becomes ten million billion times more fashionable and impressive. That's the reason for all those George Formby tribute bands coming together the nation over, now that the Arctic Monkeys have pioneered the movement.

For those of you unaware of dear Noni's past exploits, she was caught six years back walking out of a Beverly Hills clothes store with $3,000 worth of unpaid-for clothing. For a moment she actually tried claiming that she was 'researching for a role', before abandoning that approach when she realised it was the worst excuse since John Wayne Gacy said that the 27 guys underneath the crawlspace were just 'having a nap'.

You would think – after being sentenced to three years probation and 480 hours community service – that she had learnt her lesson, wouldn't you? Weeeelll … you'd be wrong.

Winona was reportedly wandering around the Hollywood CVC Pharmacy quite recently when – upon walking out – she set off an alarm that drew the attention of security. A store employee reveals all:

"Winona had a bag of stuff, but she set off the theft alarm when she left the store. When a security guard stopped her, he found make-up she had not paid for."

Winona's excuse? It's not a great one. Hecklerspray was kind of hoping that she'd say something about being so damn turned on by the thought of making sweet love to sarcastic British entertainment journalists that she briefly forgot herself. However, her actual reply is a little less elaborate:

"I don't know how that happened."

Deciding not to kick up a fuss, the staff apparently just took the merchandise back and let Winona be on her merry way. Winona's publicist at first rigorously denied the story, but then mentioned – on hearing that the store had officially confirmed all this – that she'd check the story details with her boss one more time.

It stands to reason that this could all be nonsense. The Hollywood CVC Pharmacy could simply be trying to get a more exciting reputation for itself, after all. Trust us, it's a pretty boring place – hecklerspray itself has visited this very establishment while in the lovely state of California, and didn't see anything apart from massive packs of Skittles and extremely reasonable Budweiser promotional deals.

Oh – and Jessica Alba stuffing a load of Nyquil tablets into her bra, glancing around and giggling while whispering 'sleep makes me feel like a special little lady.' But she's there, like, every night, you know?

Read More:

'Sticky fingers' Winona Ryder in new shoplifting scandal, claims magazine – Daily Mail

It takes a big man to admit they're wrong. Well, a big man or a tiny Chinese lady with a bewildering haircut.

Bai Ling has pleaded guilty to disturbing the peace following her arrest at LAX last month. You'll remember that Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting two copies of Star magazine and a packet of batteries from an airport shop in a state of high emotional trauma.

And that amounts to disturbing the peace? No, of course it isn't. What happened was that Bai Ling worked out a deal with prosecutors allowing her to plead guilty to disturbing the peace to keep the other, more shameful, crime from her records. That crime is obviously being a reader of Star magazine.

If ever anyone decides to make an Ocean's 14 – and God help us all if they do – then they'd be wise to sign up Bai Ling to star as the strategic mastermind behind Clooney and the gang's elaborate crime. However, for the sake of accuracy, the plot would have to forgo the complex machinations of top-secret casino heists and just focus on dressing Matt Damon up in a lovely frock and making him nick a couple of celebrity magazines from a newsagents while looking all sad.

Because that's what Bai Ling excels at. No, actually that's a lie. Bai Ling excels at having rubbish haircuts and being quite quick to show off her boobs. She's rubbish at shoplifting.

So rubbish, in fact, that she got arrested for it. Although there are no excuses for trying to steal two copies of a magazine and some batteries from an airport store, Bai Ling did her best to find one and said that she only stole because her boyfriend dumped her right before Valentine's Day. And, just days after she was charged with the crime, Bai Ling has pleaded guilty. People reports:

Bai Ling pleaded guilty Wednesday to disturbing the peace in a case stemming from her arrest at LAX for stealing two Star magazines and a package of batteries, totaling $16.22. Although she was formally charged with petty theft Monday, prosecutors agreed to let Bai plead to the alternative charge, said L.A. City Attorney rep Frank Mateljan. The actress was ordered to pay a fine and penalties totaling $700. 

Now before you start making little straw effigies of Bai Ling and run out into the streets waving them around in flames as a sort of confusing protest, let's not forget that Bai Ling is the innocent party here. Not only was she upset because her boyfriend dumped her, but who hasn't entertained the thought of stealing two copies of Star magazine and some batteries from an airport shop at some point? We know we have.

Face it, Bai Ling just succumbed to something we've all felt – at one point or another, everyone has seen the cover of a celebrity magazine and felt the internal tug between being intrigued by the promise of seeing the 86 best celebrity beach bodies and the burning sense of crushing shame that would come from actually paying for it.

But why did Bai Ling steal two copies of Star magazine and not just one? Simple – she needed one copy for each eye. After all, what's better than reading about Angelina Jolie's pregnancy? Getting two copies of Star magazine, holding them next to each other, going cross-eyed and reading about Angelina Jolie's pregnancy in 3D, magic eye-style. 

And what about the batteries? What did Bai Ling steal those for? We don't know. Probably a dildo.

Read more:

Bai Ling Pleads Guilty to Disturbing the Peace – People 

Valentine's Day does funny thing to people.

In a relationship? Valentine's Day will make you grumble about spending £1.70 on a card. Single? Valentine's Day will make you feel worthless and unloved. Bai Ling? Valentine's Day will make you steal magazines and batteries to the value of $16 from an airport store before you're caught and arrested.

Bai Ling – star of no good films ever – was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday, and she blames it on splitting up with a boy right before Valentine's Day. Makes sense – sometimes the only things that can mend a broken heart are some celebrity magazines and batteries to the value of $16.

We've never really written about Bai Ling before, but that's because we weren't even sure if she qualifies as a celebrity. Yes, Bai Ling may have been in such cinematic masterpieces as Wild Wild West and Taxi 3 - which cinematically puts her up there with Dame Helen Mirren – but, well, we've just never really seen the point of her other than a funny a haircut and the slight idea that she looks a bit dirty.

And then Bai Ling went shoptlifting for some rubbish items and blamed it on a boy who made her sad. Welcome in, Bai, welcome in.

Apparently Bail Ling was due to fly from LA to Albuquerque for a film on Wednesday, but she was collared by a gift shop employee for trying to leave without paying for two celebrity magazines and two packets of batteries. True, it's not quite as decent airport entertainment as wetting yourself or vomiting champagne all over the place, but it's a start.

However, we shouldn't look upon Bai Ling's arrest as a bad thing, because we have much to take from it. Firstly, she looks on the verge of tears in her mugshot, which is a refreshing departure from arrested celebrities looking all adorable, and secondly, Bai Ling has the universe's best excuse for the arrest, as E! Online reports:

The 37-year-old actress and scenester exclusively tells E! News that she split with her new boyfriend Wednesday before she was scheduled to fly from LAX to New Mexico to begin shooting a film, turning it into an "emotionally crazy" day for her. She was dealing with the "huge problem of breaking up [before] Valentine's Day" when she was arrested for shoplifting, Ling said, adding, simply, "Wrong boyfriend."

It's actually quite sad, really, and we wish our emotionally-detached hearts were more like Bai Ling's, and that the visceral pain of a break-up could only be soothed by wandering into a gift store and trying to hamfistedly nick a bunch of stuff. So, yes, Bai Ling has our pity.

Enough pity to make us watch one of her films? No. We're not fucking mental.

Read more:

Bai Ling Blames Bust on Breakup - E! Online