shooting - HecklerSpray

Vladimir Putin Is Much, Much Better Than You [Videos]

August 12th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You. You’re a massive wimp. Why? Because we’re all wimps when compared to the most immense man the world has ever seen! We are, of course, talking about walking deity, Vladimir Putin!

There’s nothing that ol’ Pute can’t do. Seriously. If there was a sex-tape leaked starring him, it would be so impressive that our collective genitals would crawl up into our bodies in shame.

This week, Rad Vlad decided to go diving. Pretty simple in terms of pleasures, right? However, this is Super Putin! On his first go, he just so happens to come back with some ancient treasures, just like that! Should we be surprised? Like hell. We’ve got loads of videos to show that he’s the greatest human who ever walked this disgrace of a planet.

Gordon Ramsay Hilariously Threatened With A Gun In His Weird, Stupid Face

January 4th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Gordon Ramsay has a fascinating face. Even though he’s had botox injections to smooth it out, he still resembles a discarded scrotum from the Mount Rushmore project (he would have been Abe Lincoln’s balls for the record).

Not only does he look like a granite teste, but he’s also more irritating than a Jonas Brothers gig.

And so, take great joy in the knowledge that, while in Costa Rica, someone tried to shoot Gordon Ramsay’s face off.

Hey! You Can Buy Mark Chapman’s Copy Of Double Fantasy That John Lennon Signed Just Before He Got Shot Dead!

November 24th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

John Lennon, one quarter of The Beatles and writer of stone cold classic tracks like ‘It’s So Hard’, ‘Meat City’ and ‘My Mummy’s Dead’, got bumped off this Earth in one of the most oddest of fashions.

How many people’s ghosts can say ‘Well, I got shot dead by a man who asked for my autograph hours before I departed this shitty little planet.’? Not many.

And now, if you’re wealthy and fond of macabre artefacts, you can buy an album covered in murderer’s fingerprints. Yesireebob! An American dealer is selling the copy of John Lennon’s ‘Double Fantasy’ LP which he signed for Mark Chapman the day he thought he should kill a really famous person.

Sometimes, You Can Convince Yourself That John Lennon’s Death Was A Good Thing

October 11th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

John Lennon wrote some great songs didn’t he? He’s responsible for more great songs than your average band manages in a lifetime twice as long as Lennon’s musical career. As it would have been Lennon’s birthday this weekend, everyone has been heaping praise on The Beatles’ number one corpse.

However, we don’t much care for eyeless fawning at hecklerspray and knowing damn well that all musicians deserve to be treated with utter contempt, we’d like to put forward the reasons why John Lennon, when he was in the mood, was one of the worst song-writers on the planet.

And he was y’know?

Hecklerspray: Endorsed By John Lennon Says Yoko Ono (Kinda)

September 21st, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

The day John Lennon died, the world lost one of its greatest talents. However, it also cemented a legacy as well, because, shortly before Lennon died, he was making records so bad that people started to doubt the assumed wisdom that ears were an evolutionary advantage.

Basically, John Lennon’s death ensured that his quality output would always outnumber his criminal records (something which cannot be said for Paul McCartney).

However, the collective we can’t help but wonder what Lennon would have done had he lived. Would he have had another creative spurt which would turn music on its head? Would he have let Jools Holland play that awful boogie-woogie piano on his TV appearances? Yoko Ono has a theory and it involves him pissing about on the internet.

Yoko Ono Opposes Release of John Lennon’s Killer for the Millionth Time

August 6th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Did you know that you are legally obliged, when working for Hecklerspray, to attend Bootleg Beatles concerts in a t-shirt that says ‘I’m a Bootleg Mark Chapman’? It’s true. That’s the initiation process they make you go through. If you’re trolling people online, you have to have the nerve to do it in real life in front of mental Beatlefans.

Which clumsily brings us the news of Mark Chapman – he’s the man who shot John Lennon dead – and his parole.

Frequently, Mark Chapman asks to be released from the Attica prison in New York and he’s constantly knocked back… and he’s due a hearing soon.

Suge Knight Takes Final Punt At Relevancy By Suing Kanye West

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Suge Knight may have allegedly hung Vanilla Ice by his ankles off a 20-storey building once, but don’t ever mess with his earrings.

Because, seriously, if Suge Knight ever comes round your house and suddenly loses one of his earrings, you’re very possibly going to get sued. Of course, it’ll help if the loss of the earring is directly preceded by an armed stranger bursting into your house and shooting Suge Knight in the leg, but mainly it’s about the earring thing.

So you wouldn’t want to be Kanye West, because he’s the man who Suge Knight is suing for the earring loss and the shooting. And Suge Knight means business, too – once he’s done suing Kanye West he’s going to punch Busta Rhymes in the face for losing one of his anklets and then twist one of Diddy‘s nipples as hard as he can until Diddy promises give back his missing cockring.

LA Times Retracts Everything Bad It Ever Said About Diddy

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Diddy definitely didn't know about that time Tupac got shot in 1994, the LA Times just wants you to know that.

What? You already knew that? Well, the LA Times wants to make it even clearer. It's already apologised for running the story that falsely implicated Diddy in Tupac's shooting, and now it has gone and formally retracted the story as well.

However, the LA Times probably has another thing coming if it thinks it has wriggled out of a libel lawsuit from Diddy. An apology and a retraction just isn't enough to win Diddy over.

Now, an apology, a retraction, four free McDonald's Happy Meal vouchers, a kissogram dressed up as Notorious B.I.G and a customised Scrabble set which only contains the letters D, I and Y and it's another matter entirely. Get on it, LA Times.

Remy Ma Banged Up For Belly Shooting

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

What is it with female rappers we've never really heard of and jail these days?

Lady rapper Remy Ma – of hits like Guilty, Crazy, Everyday I'm Fucking Him and several other songs you're equally unlikely to have heard of that have less amusing titles – has been convicted of shooting a woman in the belly last year.

So with Remy Ma facing a 25-year jail term, Foxy Brown still locked up and Lil' Kim's record as an ex-con, that means the only rapping female without a criminal past is now Natasha Bedingfield. And that'll only last until the police finally nail her for all those ivory tombstones she's been embezzling in her teeth.

LA Times Sorry For Calling Diddy A Big Thuggy Git

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As everyone knows, Diddy is responsible for all the bad things in the world, from squeaky floorboards to the 1994 shooting of Tupac Shakur to the invention of the jellyfish.

We know this because we read the Los Angeles Times, and the Los Angeles Times definitely said that Diddy was definitely behind Tupac's 1994 shooting.

Except that, um, he wasn't. The Los Angeles Times has apologised after an investigation showed that the sources in its recent Diddy/ Tupac story were apparently fabricated. You may be off the hook this time, Diddy, but we've still got you on the jellyfish thing. Our lawyers will be in touch.