See what we mean? 100 times more sensational – that’s the stuff people want to read.

Had Seacrest been entirely consumed it probably would have been due to his utter refusal to preach Bible things to the Assyrians, whom we can all agree have been on a hot streak of wickedness in the past few weeks or so. He’d have to sit in the sharks belly just long enough to think about what it is he’d done, and sternly resolve to improve.

Actually, at this point it is widely unknown if Seacrest’s shark attack is a direct result of him offending the Almighty. We, however, having watched over ten minutes of last season’s American Idol, are pretty sure it was.

What more evidence can anyone ask for?

Nobody is sure what type of shark it was that took a chunk out of ol’ Ryan Seacrest, but it probably wasn’t venomous. We know this because the biter is widely assumed to be Asian due to the fact it covered him in soy sauce and prodded him with two big plastic chop-sticks before any toothy incision was made. As any science book will tell you, no breed of Asian shark carry any venom poisonous to man.

Of this, Seacrest is safe.

Fox News has specifics on the attack:

“So there Seacrest was, leisurely ocean-swimming in nothing short of olympic form, when next thing he knew he was being forced up against a sandwich pickle and a mayonnaise covered piece of toast.”

Did we attribute that to Fox News? No, we meant this is from them:

“Ryan Seacrest was taking a swim in the ocean over the weekend when he was bitten by a shark, he said on his KIIS-FM radio show Monday. The “American Idol” host said he was “about eight feet out” when he felt something swim by him. “I thought it was a stick,” he said. “I wasn’t sure what had happened.” Then, he said, “I saw it swim! He took a bite, and he left.”"

Word has it Seacrest is currently revising his resume to include ‘food’ alphabetically between American Idol stage-guy and radio personality. This will reportedly look impressive should he ever need to apply for work at Nabisco or Duncan Hines.

Also Larry King might like to see it on there. A little variety never hurts when it’s coming from the guy who might one day replace you.