Wow, Gary Coleman divorce details already?? But, but …but we’re so unprepared.

We thought we had a good three or four more days to prepare our impending Gary Coleman busted up marriage list of mockings and general sardonicism. Apparently not.

Yeah, Gary Coleman’s marriage is going down fast, but that doesn’t mean the Coleman’s aren’t going kick, piledrive and thwomp a dead horse with blunt objects to get as much publicity and exposure out of it as they possibly can. Thus, Gary Coleman and his wife are going to hash out the inevitably queasy details from their dysfunctional marriage for you on the ever so classy TV show Divorce Court. Giddyup.

Hey, remember Gary Coleman? He was that child actor that made it big in the eighties being an endearing, chubby little black kid that never seemed to know what his brother Willis was, in fact, talking about. But what happens when that endearing, chubby little black kid twenty years later when he still looks like the same kid but has done nothing except set the world record for shortest man to longest temper tantrum ratio?

He moves to Utah and gets married to a woman 18 years his junior and keeps it a secret for months, only to announce their marriage and then promptly make their marital non-bliss public by going on Divorce Court to work out their problems, of course.

Anyway, Gary Coleman and his wife of seven months, Shannon Price are foregoing the traditional seven month wedding gift of dryer lint and have opened up to OK! Magazine about their marital woes and appearing on Divorce Court. There really are so many priceless gems of quotes from the article that it’s hard to single any out, but here Gary Coleman gives us a bit of insight into the relationship:

“(Problems) build and then we don’t talk to each other for a week. It gets as bad as it needs to be to get her to listen. If I have to throw something or break something, that’s what’s going to happen…I’m not a controlling husband. There’s no leash on her.”

No leash, just a secure encasement of bubble wrap over Shannon’s entire body in the event of shrapnel from broken objects.

Gary Coleman goes on in the interview to delight us with his touching thoughts on having a baby with Shannon Price:

“I promised her one [a baby]. I just don’t know when it’s going to happen. I know that once I made that promise I committed myself to a life of hell because now I have to be a father. I have to make more money to take care of this second person. I’m not gonna want to be a daddy all the time. We don’t know what kind of child we are going to have. I’m hoping her genes are stronger than mine.”

Wait, so Gary Coleman and his wife are still going to have a baby even though they’re getting a divorce Gary has little to no desire to be a father and equates fatherhood with hell? Looks like Gary Coleman is the ideal candidate for king of the deadbeat dads. Lindsay Lohan‘s dad better watch his back. He’s got competition.

Read more:

Gary Coleman and Wife Head to ‘Divorce Court’ - OK

As big as this metrosexuality thing is, sometimes we just want to go out and find a tiny little man who hits people a lot – right girls?

No? Nobody coming along with us on this one? Well Shannon Price understands. That's because Shannon Price has married Gary Coleman, planet Earth's foremost angry midget. To be fair, Gary Coleman and Shannon Price got married last August and people have only just found out about it, but you can't deny a happy couple when you see one.

Apart from that time Shannon Price called the police because Gary Coleman was so angry that she was scared he'd hurt her – but, you know, apart from that they're probably quite happy.

People say that nice things come in small packages. For the most part that's rubbish – if you wanted a speedboat and someone gave you a package the size of, say, a Chewit, you might feel a little bit disappointed – but with former Diff'rent Strokes star Gary Coleman it's completely true.

For a little man, Gary Coleman has got a lot of love to give, unless you're the autograph hunter who he beat up that time or the inside of his own car. And now Gary Coleman has found an outlet for that love – a woman called Shannon Price who's 18 years younger than him, one foot taller than him and due to get half his stuff when thy invariably divorce. Gary Coleman and Shannon Price, you see, are married.

We don't know why we're reporting this as news, actually, because they got married last August. However, it's only now that the Coleman/ Price marriage has been revealed to TV show The Insider. And it sounds like they had a beautiful mountain-top wedding that Gary Coleman is proud to say was as simple as possible:

"Nobody was around but the minister, the preacher, the videographers, the photographer, the helicopter pilot and us."

Yes, it was lovely and simp… what!? A helicopter pilot? That's not simple at all, Gary Coleman. That's fairly elaborate when you think about it.

Anyway, six months into their marriage and things couldn't be going any sweeter for Gary Coleman and Shannon Price. She says he's "ten feet tall" to her because he's so kind. He says that she's, um, a "fabulous eBayer." And she's only had to call the police because she was terrified of his furious rages once, which bodes well for a happy futu… what!? According to E! Online:

He has a temper, "throws things around"—sometimes at Price, and heaved a printer, direction unknown, on the day of the TV interview. "I don't like the violence, I really don't," Price said. "He's got to damage something before his anger stops." Price told the show she's called the police on Coleman, and that the police, in turn, have ticketed him for disorderly conduct.

Still, if we wanted any man to angrily throw objects at us in a violent frenzy, it'd be Gary Coleman and his adorable podgy cheeks and stubby limbs. You're a lucky girl, Shannon Price, and we wish you every happiness in the rest of your marriage to Gary Coleman, which we've calculated as about three or four more weeks.

Read more:

Gary Coleman, Married Man – E! Online