Hey guys! You’ll never guess how much sex Shane Richie’s been having. Quite a bit, so we heard. No, really. He’s actually been having sex.

So the story goes that Alison Hall, the president of The Shane Richie Fan Club (Oxymoron of the Year) had been pursuing the cockney Stud Muffin since she was 13.

When she was 22, with all her body hair and legal rights and such, Shane rammed her. When in Rome, right?

Clearly not able to hold in these sordid lies anymore, Alison had a chinwag about the whole thing to pioneers of confidentiality The Sunday Mirror. And as a whole, the interview reads like a blurb to a book from the Tragic Lives section of WH Smith.

“I showed him my room and while we were in there, he poked me in the breast with a pen. We both laughed. I just thought he was being playful.”

Oh, Alison!

According to Shane Fan, as a teenager she used to save her dinner money up in order to go to watch Shane perform in Grease stage productions. And the story just gets gradually more and more depressing.

It is sad for Alison, to be besotted with a man who is married to another, and then on top of that turns out to be Shane Richie. But then after a while, (And we’re sure you’ve all felt like this at home) you’ve got to really consider what makes YOU happy, and not what makes Shane Richie’s cock detonate.

RIGHT, GIRLS? Especially, when he says this sort of shit to you:

“He was insatiable. Once I was trying to play it cool with him and ignore him. Eventually he sent me a text saying his dog Harley had died and I felt sorry for him so I replied. As soon as i did he asked if he could come over. After we had sex he said: ‘Harley would have liked that.”

ERM. ERM. ERM.

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Quickly – think of the very worst thing you possibly can. Forget wars and pestilence and all that nonsense – we're talking really horrific here. What have you come up with?

There's a very high probability that you just thought 'Shane Richie starring in a remake of Minder for Channel Five'. Because, objectively, that's the very worst thing the human brain will allow you to imagine before it goes wrong and has a stroke.

But guess what? There is going to be a remake of Minder, it is going to be on Channel Five and irritating cockney wideboy gasbag Shane Richie will star in it. On the plus side, if you start destroying your TV with an axe now, there's a good chance you'll miss it.

The life of a soap actor is a hard one, no matter what you think. Not because of the long hours or because you might get punched in the head in a supermarket car park, but because of how it affects your brain. Star in EastEnders, you see, and everyone will start to recognise you. Mistaking the recognition for love, you'll inevitably leave EastEnders with lofty-minded ideas of becoming a film star, only to fail miserably and end up being the star of a Confused.com advert at 3am on Dave+1.

And if that's what goes through the mind of regular actors, imagine what it does to someone like Shane Richie. Sure, Shane Richie won an army of adoring fans when he was Alfie Moon in EastEnders, but he was capable of so much more than that. Don't forget that, as well as acting, Shane Richie was also a mediocre stand-up comedian, the host of a barely-remembered children's game show and the creator of 2003 18-track cabaret masterpiece Shane Richie The Album. He was wasted on EastEnders. Wasted.

Since leaving EastEnders, Shane Richie has gone on to such heady heights as doing some local radio, sinking all his money into a film nobody wanted to see, starring in another flop film about some rats in a toilet and presenting a Sky game show about music lyrics. Which, we're pretty sure, is the same way Ralph Fiennes got so well-respected.

But now Shane Richie is ready to make the leap into the big time once more, with a remake of a show that everyone already got sick of once for Channel Five. That's right, after hearing about six or seven people comparing Alfie Moon to Arthur Daley, Shane Richie's going to star in Minder. The Times reports:

With his camel-hair coat, money-making schemes and dodgy motors, “Arfur” Daley embodied the Thatcherite entreprenurial spirit. His catch-phrases became common parlance… The ITV show continued with George Cole alone until 1994, and his role will go to Shane Richie, who played the publican Alfie Moon in EastEnders. Although no decision has been made on the “minder” role, the producers may ask Dennis Waterman, 59, to play some part in the new show… “Scripts are in development with a view to a series being commissioned later in the year,” said a Five spokesman. It could be ready this autumn.

Great. Can't wait to see those scripts. Scene one – Shane Richie gets fold of some interchangeable dodgy goods and tries to sell them while being all twinkly-eyed. Scene two – Shane Richie winks a lot and does that put-on Sid James laugh for 35 minutes solid until everyone around him gets bored, stands up and wanders off. Scene three – Shane Richie sings Everybody Wants To Rule The World and winks a lot. End credits. Commission x 12. 

There is one plus side to all this, though – Shane Richie's Minder will be on Channel Five. Which will at least keep him away from anything we're ever likely to actually watch.

Read more:

Revival of Minder will set the scene for a new Arthur Daley – Times