9 - Fingerless gloves: the critical re-evaluation – Interestment

8 - Things we’re now afraid of: getting trapped on an iceberg with three polar bears – Asylum

7 - This just in: bald bears are TERRIFYING – Geekology

6 – Shakira! Quick! Do something to your hair that’ll stop us fancying you quite as much! Good girl! – AmyGrindhouse

5 - Footage from the Concert For Care concert with Rob Brydon and that bald Irish bloke – Leapanywhere

4 – Vegetable Elvis Presley. You Heard – Domesticsluttery

3 - Because of the day that it is – YouTube

2 - Womanizer by Britney Spears, as sung by the French – Bestweekever

1 – Where’s today’s idiot? Oh, here he is…

The pop industry has a lot to answer for.

It has created a lot of monsters. Simon Cowell and Kerry Katona spring to mind immediately. But female pop stars are not all talentless bints who clutter up newspapers and snarky entertainment sites (thanks for that) with their inane chatter and their lady bits.

Some of them look nice too. In fact, some of them are incredibly sexy. Oh, and some of them can sing too – but not that many.

So, in the latest excuse to comb the internet for sexy pictures of girls, Hecklerspray has decided to gather up the sexiest ones and come up with a purely subjective running order. As always, please feel free to let us know what you think. Enjoy.

26. Ciara

Has an album called Fantasy Ride. We could not have put it better ourselves.

25. Fergie


“I have had lesbian experiences in the past. I won’t say how many men I’ve had sex with — but I am a very sexual person.” The case rests.

24. Christina Aguilera

A dirrrty, dirrrty girl.

23. Britney Spears

Everyone’s favourite nut.

22. Heidi from Sugababes

Will always be remembered as ‘the fit one from the Sugababes’.

21. Katy Perry

Do you think we are so easily won over by her releasing a song about her kissing a girl? Probably. Pathetic, isn’t it?

20. Madonna

Old vinegar tits must be glad all that hard work doesn’t go to waste. But for how long?

19. Shakira

Mad as a box of snakes, but undeniably sexy.

18. Rihanna

Even managed to make umbrellas sexy. Ella, ella…

17. Leona Lewis

The only good thing Simon Cowell has ever done.

16. Sarah Harding

The party girl of Girls Aloud has a filthy mouth and drinks like a fish. Now that is perfect.

15. Nelly Furtado

Her music stinks, but, who cares? Just turn down the sound and watch the video instead.

14. Gwen Stefani

Well, she gives us a Stefani. OK, so it was a terrible joke.

13. Lily Allen

Annoying, pathetic, talentless bitch – but you would, wouldn’t you?

12. Rachel Stevens

We were told the other day the very sexy S Club star is still producing albums. Who knew?

11. Jessica Simpson

She has her knockers, but despite being dumber than a headless ox, Jessica Simpson, errr, has great knockers.

10. Hilary Duff

There are a lot of Duff things about Hilary, but her body is not one of them.

9. Natalie Imbruglia

Neighbours was never the same after she left.

8. J-Lo

Another horrible human being, but could you resist that arse?

7. Alizee

One of the few good things to come out of France.

6. Nicole Scherzinger

The leader of The Pussycat Dolls and the girlfriend of Formula One world champion Lewis Hamilton, but don’t hold that against her.

5. Alicia Keys

So sexy we have even forgiven her for the James Bond track. Almost.

4. Christina Milian

Simply stunning.

3. Kylie

Good things come in small packages. They don’t get much finer than Kylie.

2. Cheryl Cole

Famous for beating up toilet attendants, marrying a complete tit and, most importantly, being the sexiest member of Girls Aloud. Which is no mean feat.

1. Beyonce

Possibly the sexiest thing on two legs.

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WARNING: Popular contortionist and nutbag yodeller Shakira has gone feral and may have killed no or more men.

It’s true. Last week, two eyewitness videos appeared on YouTube showing the diminutive singer grievously attacking two men in New York City. Now literally fives of YouTubers across the globe have posted similar videos, in which many of the attackers don’t actually resemble Shakira in any way.

We can only conclude that Shakira is a shapeshifter and that you, reader, may be in danger even as you read this.

Look around you. Shakira could be anything – your Adam Lambert poster, your diet pills, any one of your porcelain unicorn figurines. If you suspect a unicorn figurine of being Shakira, DO NOT engage it in a phoned-in, atonal rap.

We haven’t heard from Wyclef Jean in days.

And this is so unexpected. We assumed that Shakira Shakira Beyonce Beyonce Benecol Alhambras was lounging on some irradiated Colombian beach, dreaming up another album’s worth of songs about horses and thongs, advising Gordon Brown on public policy, and popping out her ribcage for passing children.

Instead she’s gone loco for the taste of human flesh. That Shakira, she crazy!

But was she ever truly human?

Think about it: could a human voice sound simultaneously like a goat being slaughtered and a small abused child whimpering in the corner of a crumbling bedsit?

Could a human hand pen lyrics like “I’d rather eat my soup with a fork” or dislocate and reset their hipbone so rapidly that you feared they’d explode in a malevolent man-eating mess of yawning red maw and tentacles, like John Carpenter’s The Thing?

No.

Unfortunately Shakira is still at large. But some kind vigilante soul called She Wolf Hunter has set up a YouTube channel to collect all the video evidence, plus a website and Twitter feed called She Wolf is Coming to keep track of the latest attacks.

Meanwhile, if you see Shakira, our advice is:

1. Get to higher ground immediately. A medium-sized dining chair should do it.

2. Ask her hips a question to which you know the truthful answer. If they say something like “you eat too much cheese and you’re not fooling anyone with that haircut”, it’s probably Shakira. RUN AWAY!

3. Take a good long look at her breasts. Are they quite tall with snow and mountaineers on top? They’re probably mountains. You’re safe.

Now, some people have said that Shakira hasn’t killed anyone at all, and that we’re idiots to take this literally because it’s just a bizarre viral campaign building up to the release of her new single, She-Wolf. AND TO THOSE PEOPLE WE SAY… oh.

Oh right. Yeah, that makes sense.

Get down off that chair, you look ridiculous.

This was a guest blog by the frankly godlike Robyn Wilder from the terrifying hard-hitting feminist blog Dollymix. Visit the site and then build a small shrine to her or something.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Clearly the man needs help to get his popularity shifting upwards again. And, having looked at the problem thoroughly, Gordon Brown found the only person on the face of the Earth who even came close to matching his requirements. Shakira.

No, really. Shakira. Shakira and Gordon Brown have been yammering away on the phone trying to thrash out a solution to third world education. We know, this news makes us want to rush out and vote for Gordon Brown immediately too, but let’s be smart here – if we play it cool enough, Brown won’t stop at Shakira. Finally, our dreams of seeing Eva Longoria as a Secretary Of State For Work And Pensions have got one step closer to reality!

Politicians and pop stars aren’t so different, really. Take Gordon Brown and Shakira for example – recently Brown’s been busy examining his stance on biofuel in the wake of the global fuel crisis, and Shakira has been wiggling her tits around independently of each other while singing a song about how she shags blokes real good. One and the same, one and the same.

Of course, there are subtle differences between the two of them as well – recent rumours of a three-way Shakira sex tape got the world more excited than it had ever been, while the thought of Gordon Brown filming himself having sex just makes people want to throw up, rub the thrown-up vomit into their eyes until they’re blind, set themselves on fire and run screaming into a dirty syringe factory chased by an angry bear.

Despite this, though, one of two things were always going to happen when Shakira and Gordon Brown got together. Either a) they’d discuss the need for increased aid and debt relief in third world countries to help implement a universal basic education system, or b) they’d have a red-hot sexalicious rumpity-pump bonking sesh with three buckets of honey and a midget David Cameron lookalike dressed in a rubber gimp suit.

Yeah, it was the first one. Shame. The Press Association reports:

Pop star Shakira, famous for songs such as Hips Don’t Lie, heaped praise on the PM, saying he is “very smart” and “brave” with “wonderful intentions”. The unlikely pair came together on a conference call to discuss education in the Third World, with the world’s media listening in. In the call, which also featured World Bank president Robert Zoellick, the PM and the singer spoke of their backing for the Global Campaign for Education which aims to have every child in the world in school by 2015.

In fact, Shakira is just the latest piece of celebrity totty who Gordon Brown has pretended to be interested in recently. Not so long ago he was doing the exact same thing with Angelina Jolie, which at least proves that Gordon Brown is dedicated to getting every child in the world in school so long as a pretty lady is explaining it for him.

And, who knows, Gordon Brown might even get a bump in the polls by associating himself so closely with Shakira. If so, we can all look forward to Brown pushing through the Jessica Simpson-initiated Look At My Hair It’s Real Shiny And Cute Like A Princess Or An Angel Act 2008 any day now.

Which, admittedly, is better than letting Bono anywhere near Downing Street. Honestly, that’d just be political suicide.

Read more:

Shakira heaps praise on ’smart’ PM – PA

So when we heard that there was a three-way Shakira sex tape knocking about, our cries of "there is a God!" could be heard from miles around. After all, if a Shakira sex tape is the holy grail of sex tapes, then a three-way Shakira sex tape is the holy grail, um, being done by two blokes on a boat.

But the excitement was misplaced – the Shakira sex tape has been unmasked as a cruel April Fool's prank by a DJ in Argentina. A cruel, stupid prank by an idiot DJ in rubbish Argentina. Stupid imaginary God.

April Fool's day is crap. Everyone knows that. Oh look, flying penguins! Oh look, a miracle cream for fat people! Oh look, Richard Branson's moving to Mars! Hah, not really! They're all hilarious April Fool's day pranks! Well, OK, not 'hilarious' so much as 'tedious and crap'.

But a Shakira sex tape? Surely that couldn't be an April Fool's day prank, could it? After all, it checks out. Everyone from Lindsay Lohan to Kristin Davis to some woman we've never heard of from The Hills have all apparently done sex tapes or nude photoshoots lately, so why not Shakira? Also Shakira looks quite dirty and – most importantly of all – we want a Shakira sex tape to exist. And if you can keep aeroplanes in the sky with collective willpower, then surely you can make a Colombian popstar film herself getting rogered too, right?

Which is perhaps why everyone fell for the idea of a Shakira sex tape so badly. The rumour apparently originated when Argentine DJ Javier Ceriani told his listeners that a Shakira sex tape filmed on a yacht and featuring appearances by two different men had been stolen and was about to be leaked onto the internet.

What makes it more interesting is that the two men were Shakira's then-boyfriend Antonio de la Rua and Shakira's La Tortura duet partner Alejandro Sanz. The story had it all; outdoors sex, kinky three-way sex, scandal, thievery and – again, most importantly – video footage of Shakira getting dicked by two blokes at once.

But before the world had even had time to pull down its trousers and find the nearest box of tissues, Shakira and Sanz have denied that her sex tape even exists at all. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

In a joint statement, the singers' representatives say, "This is a false rumor. This is totally absurd any way you look at it. There is no possibility that such a video exists. It is a baseless and malicious rumor."

So it looks as if we'll have to try and learn to live without a Shakira sex tape in our lives. It's hard, but we'll get over it – let's not forget that in times of trouble there's always the fake Meg White sex tape to fall back on.

We're screwed.

Read more:

Shakira and Sanz Deny Sex Tape Prank – SFC