Michael Jackson’s memorial service is, fittingly, expected to be a show to remember for those fortunate enough to gain entrance.
Yes, today is the day. Mr Michael Jackson – pop legend and child nightmare – is due to give his final performance. As befitting the clown prince of showbiz, it’s going to be a monstrous affair, filled with music royalty, heads of the entertainment industry and… a kid from Wales who came seventh in a talent competition.
Really? Wow.
See you after the jump, when we… honestly, that smug little tosswad with the hair gel?
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We’re halfway up the Everest of semi-finals week, and ITV have kindly given us a little sniff from a tank of oxygen, in the form of a day with no show. Caution: metaphor-stretching ahead.
Since setting off from auditions basecamp, it’s been a steady slog up the north face of Britain’s Got Talent. The air’s getting thinner than Darth Jackson‘s address book, and colder than the series of pumps and switches that pass for Amanda Holden‘s heart.
But if you find yourself tiring, don’t worry: Susan Boyle will truss you up with climbing rope and hoist you over her hefty shoulders.
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Britain’s Got Talent on Saturday began to tell us which 40 acts were to perform again for the public vote.
And you’ll never guess which Oprah-loving, Obama-hating, probably metal bar-bending Sottish singer made it.
Give yourself ten points and a furtive crotch massage if you guessed Susan Boyle, she of The Voice, The Modesty and The Physical Characteristics Of A Balloon Rubbed On A Jumper Then Passed Over A Hairdresser’s Floor.
And Then Covered In Your Granny’s Christmas Wrapping Paper.
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Here we are, then – the midway point of our Britain’s Got Talent Week Of Obvious Space-Filler.
By now, everyone has an idea about who’ll win Britain’s Got Talent – it’ll probably be a funny-looking pleb with a tragic history and a penchant for showtunes. And we say that with some amount of certainty, because we’ve just described every single contestant on Britain’s Got Talent ever. Our apologies.
Anyway, what about Shaheen Jafargholi? Can he win Britain’s Got Talent? Let’s jolly well find out, shall we?
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Another week, another horse-frighteningly ugly contestant wows the Britain’s Got Talent judges.
We’ve had Shaheen Jafargholi (‘OMG, what a cutey!’) and Susan Boyle (‘WTF, that’s a woman? You sure it’s not Steve McFadden in a curly wig?’). Well, stand by for another four hour phonecall with your gran, because Britain’s Got Talent has unearthed a third inbred monster who can halfway hold a tune. And this time, the facial hair is deliberate. It’s another Welsh fella, which means the people of Swansea, Cardiff (and… er, Llarrghhllaachh?) will have to choose whether they love a man or a small boy.
We should rephrase that.
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Just a week after the world went literally bananas for meaty hip-wiggler Susan Boyle, Britain’s Got Talent has just unearthed a second pure-voiced singing sensation. The twist this time: it’s a little boy with a funny name.
Keep an eye on Simon Cowell‘s hands during this season of Britain’s Got Talent. If there’s one more surprisingly angelic-voiced contestant with obvious mass-marketing appeal, we think he may just have himself a sneaky little fiddle under the table.
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