Do you see the hilarious pun we did in the headline? Do you? It’s writing like this that wins prestigious awards.

So, N-Dubz – you know, the guy in the silly hat, the quite fit one and the other dude – have been a bit quiet of late, what with Dappy going it alone with that single that even we begrudgingly liked a bit (in the sense that we quite liked it when our younger brother learned to beatbox in 1992 and he wasn’t terrible at it), Tulisa going all ‘television-star’ and Fazer being all ‘unrecognisable in the street and playing Gears Of War 4 all day long’?

Well, all that’s about to change because Richard ‘Fazer’ Rawson has been dragged into the limelight by X-Factor contestant Misha B, who has reportedly been texting the unconfirmed-Tulisa-love-interest in the mistaken belief that he is a mogul capable of launching her career. When in actual fact he probably met her back-stage lurking about, enticed as he was by the promise of free Pringles and a reason to get out of the flat.

None of this is going to go down too well with Tulisa, who has previously accused Misha B of being ‘mean’ (ouch) and is reportedly in a relationship/definitely not in a relationship with Rawson herself. Or not.

Oh do you know what, we don’t care. It’s basically this –

Some lass, right, you know, the quite fit one from the kebab shop? No, the other one – the one who doesn’t know she’s fit? You know she might be seeing that fella? Naw, we don’t think so neither. So, right, some other lass that no-one knows has been, I dunno, texting him and that?

Yeah. That’s about it.

For the sake of it we tried to find a sensible comment from Tulisa, but all that was forthcoming was this from her twitter feed as of 11.15pm last night:

“Omg tots awks…”

Which we have not made up, and sort of proves our the above point.

As you were.

When Americans think of ‘classiness’, they pretty much think of Britain’s beloved Royal family.

Granted they don’t actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn’t matter.

Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing “would you like some apples?” you’ll get “Eearrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?”

Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.

Does it come as any surprise really that Jordan, a woman who used to get her knockers out for a living could do such a degrading act as shagging in public? To us, no, but to the army of teeny fans, maybe. Katie and Peter will probably make up some excuses, such as:

1 – Peter was just doing some push ups in the car because he knew he didn’t have time to go to the gym later.

2 – They both wanted to see how springy the seats were. If they tried really hard, they could smash through the roof!

3 – It’s a new fetish of theirs to penetrate each other in a vehicle. So far a deep sea fishing trawler, a combine harvester and Nazi warplane have been scratched off the list.

Whatever the case, Katie Price and Peter Andre were recently caught going at it in a car by some members of the public, who probably hoped for a bit of sly dogging action on the side. A rather flushed Katie Price said:

“We’d just parked up when I thought it’d be fun to climb into the back of our car for a bit. We have blacked-out windows so as far as I was concerned no one could see what we were up to.”

What’s next for Katie Price, then? After this latest drama, we expect a 157-page book complete with glossy photos to tell us all about this chapter of her life. We’ll get the version of events from her, Peter and her stupidly named children.

Time doesn’t stand still for Katie and no doubt they’ll be a follow-up to that book entitled Katie & Peter: When Car Loving Goes Bad by Christmas. This hardback 246-page book will tell us about how they can never enter a car again without feeling trapped, horrified and stared at.

We would have been more impressed if they’d been caught rogering each other on the back of a motorbike on the A69. With skills like that, they could end up on Britain’s Got Talent. Or a shit celebrity spin-off version that hasn’t been commissioned yet. George Sampson and Gin the dog couldn’t do that, could they? At least not together anyway.