Hey! You know who is so sexy it hurts? No. Seriously. So sexy that every alluring move of any body part results in absolute agony? Yeah. That sexy. Really violently sexy. Eruptingly sexually sexy?
Bradley Cooper!
Yeah. You thought we were going to say Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney didn’t you? You may have even thought about the amazingly gormless looking Ryan Gosling. BUT NO! Sexier than all of those put together, sexier than a French accent, sexier than a well-lit porn film is Bradley ‘Sexiest Man On Earth’ Cooper! Who-per?
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Oh People magazine, you’re such terrible sluts. Don’t bother trying to hide it – we can see straight through you.
Look at how you’re treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That’s right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY.
You only love Johnny Depp for his money don’t you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion – it’s his money. We’ll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.
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Hugh Jackman. Just the name alone is enough to make women scratch their heads, check IMDb, realise who he is and then go weak at the knees.
It must be true, because Hugh Jackman has just been named as People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But wasn’t Matt Damon named the sexiest man alive by People magazine last year?” And the answer is yes. Yes he was. But following Matt Damon’s tragic death before the release of The Dark Knight this year, it’s time to pick a new Sexiest Man Alive. And that man is Hugh Jac… wait, we were thinking of Heath Ledger weren’t we? Whoops.
Anyway, why is Hugh Jackman People’s Sexiest Man Alive? Because he’s got a film out, that’s why. Any other reasons? Probably not, no.
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In addition to gloom, cold and toffee apples, November is primarily famous for making all men everywhere feel like flabby globs of unattractive and unloved cholesterol, thanks to People's Sexiest Man Alive list.
2007 marks the 22nd straight year that we – like all other men if they're honest – have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.
For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.
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In addition to gloom, cold and toffee apples, November is primarily famous for making all men everywhere feel like flabby globs of unattractive and unloved cholesterol, thanks to People's Sexiest Man Alive list.
2007 marks the 19th straight year that we - like all other men if they're honest - have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.
For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.
