Sexiest Man Alive - HecklerSpray

Nope of the Week: Blake Shelton Named Sexiest Man Alive

November 16th, 2017 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

People magazine is an absolute fucking mess who has not had a reliable Most Beautiful People or Sexiest Man Alive list in years, so I have no idea why I was even remotely shocked when I found out that they had named Blake fucking Shelton their sexiest man of 2017. I mean, this is the magazine that once named Adam Levine sexiest man alive, so I’m about 90% sure my mom makes this list.

For very obvious reasons, the internet went all up in arms about Blake Shelton nabbing the title because literally ANYONE ELSE should have gotten this. Like…anyone.

People Magazine Got Shit Right This Year

November 20th, 2014 By Megan Leitch

It’s been rough for People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” to be taken seriously ever since their epic mistake in 2011 (Fuck you, Cooper).? But last year they started to get their street cred back by giving it to Adam Levine, and this year it’s been awarded to Thor himself, Chris Hemsworth.

Though there are many still ticked off that Ryan Gosling still hasn’t won,? I cannot be mad at People. Have you seen Chris shirtless?? I will gladly?take that hammer for $2000, Alex.

Adam Levine Wins Panty Creamer Of The Year Award

November 21st, 2013 By Megan Leitch

People magazine has announced this year’s winner of the “Biggest Donation From A Publicist” award, otherwise known as the “Sexiest Man Alive.”??

It had been rumored a bit that the winner was Maroon 5 lead singer, Adam Levine.? And it has been announced that it is.? Oh People, you have gotten it so right.? So very, very right.

Except he has a shirt on.? That is wrong.? Very, very wrong.

Channing Tatum Replaces Awful Bradley Cooper as People’s Sexiest Man Alive

November 16th, 2012 By Chris Chambers

It’s difficult to disagree with People Magazine’s?choice of Channing Tatum as this year’s Sexiest Man Alive. Despite his prententious-sounding name and his gay pose on the magazine’s cover, Channing Tatum is a ridiculously good-looking and likable guy who?doesn’t seem to take?himself too seriously.?(Also, I really dig those?pointy little side-teeth that you can see when he smiles.)

Channing was a stand-out host on Saturday Night Live and, while he doesn’t necessarily seem to be the brightest bulb, he does seem to be good-natured and even humble, having not yet succumbed to the?apparently inescapable?cockiness and/or?douchiness?that plagues most?celebrities. When told of his selection as People’s Sexiest Man Alive, Channing’s reaction?was?eloquent, yet self-effacing.

How Ron Swanson’s Moustache Is Saving The World

September 19th, 2012 By Tony McMillen

Nick Offerman?s role as Ron Swanson from the TV show Parks and Recreation hasn't just made the actor, as well as the character he portrays, an immensely popular household name. No, Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson and the magnificent moustache both entities share is helping to heal the planet and bring all of its disparate children closer together, and subsequently, closer to God.

And you better believe that God has a fucking moustache, even if IT doesn't have a gender.

Bradley Cooper Is Sexiest Man On Earth, Despite No-One Really Knowing Who He Is

November 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! You know who is so sexy it hurts? No. Seriously. So sexy that every alluring move of any body part results in absolute agony? Yeah. That sexy. Really violently sexy. Eruptingly sexually sexy?

Bradley Cooper!

Yeah. You thought we were going to say Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney didn’t you? You may have even thought about the amazingly gormless looking Ryan Gosling. BUT NO! Sexier than all of those put together, sexier than a French accent, sexier than a well-lit porn film is Bradley ‘Sexiest Man On Earth’ Cooper! Who-per?

Johnny Depp Is A Million Times Sexier Than You: Official

November 19th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Oh People magazine, you’re such terrible sluts. Don’t bother trying to hide it – we can see straight through you.

Look at how you’re treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That’s right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY.

You only love Johnny Depp for his money don’t you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion – it’s his money. We’ll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.

Hugh Jackman Sexier Than Us, Lies People Magazine

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hugh Jackman. Just the name alone is enough to make women scratch their heads, check IMDb, realise who he is and then go weak at the knees.

It must be true, because Hugh Jackman has just been named as People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But wasn’t Matt Damon named the sexiest man alive by People magazine last year?” And the answer is yes. Yes he was. But following Matt Damon’s tragic death before the release of The Dark Knight this year, it’s time to pick a new Sexiest Man Alive. And that man is Hugh Jac… wait, we were thinking of Heath Ledger weren’t we? Whoops.

Anyway, why is Hugh Jackman People’s Sexiest Man Alive? Because he’s got a film out, that’s why. Any other reasons? Probably not, no.

Matt Damon: Sexier Than Us, Apparently

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

In addition to gloom, cold and toffee apples, November is primarily famous for making all men everywhere feel like flabby globs of unattractive and unloved cholesterol, thanks to People's Sexiest Man Alive list.

2007 marks the 22nd straight year that we – like all other men if they're honest – have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.

For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.