Articles tagged with: Sex Tape
Upset when Octomom turned down her porno because you can only get off by watching horrifying things? Then this is your lucky day! Apparently the one thing worse than seeing a tape of a new mother having sex with eight men for cash - a tape of Rihanna and Chris Brown having sex with each other - actually exists and could be put onto the internet at any point. Appalling, sure, but at the least the Rihanna sex tape might show us what Rihanna can see in Chris Brown, because it can't be his manners. Or his voice. Or his stupid face.
We're red-blooded men, so if there's one thing we like more than watching strangers have sex, it's watching strangers have sex and then cry. Therefore, we've decided to crown Kim Kardashian as our favourite girl in the whole wide world. Following that tape she made where she had loads of sex with that bloke, Kim Kardashian has apparently been sobbing her eyes out because she was voted off Dancing With The Stars this week. True, that means there's a full 18-month gap between Kim Kardashian having sex and Kim Kardashian crying, but we have to take what we can get. Anyway, the point is that Kim Kardashian was sad to be voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. But on the plus side, Kim can use this new free time to really try and work on closing that gap between the sex and the crying, maybe getting it down to a week or a good night's sleep.
As you may know, there's a Britney Spears sex tape - we'd have mentioned it earlier but, you know, we've just eaten and we like not being blind. Don't get too excited, though - the existence of the Britney Spears sex tape was allegedly confirmed by Adnan Ghalib, Britney's paparazzo ex-boyfriend. So, on the basis that at least 50% of the tape features a creepy dimwit with a funny accent and the world's worst beard, it's safe to say that nobody will ever ever form an erection while watching the Britney Spears sex tape. Or will they? It's been reported that Britney Spears is keen to pay whatever it takes to buy the master copy of this apparent Britney Spears sex tape from Adnan Ghalib. And you know what that means? It means that if Britney Spears is prepared to pay millions of dollars for a video of a mentally ill woman in a pink wig having squalid intercourse with one of the world's least likable men, it must be sexy! Where can we get a copy?
She may have officially become one of the world's dullest people, not bothering to get into even the most minor of mishaps, but we're still sticking with the girl. Because we like Lindsay Lohan - how could we not? She's given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It's hard to be really very mad at an old friend. But it wouldn't seem that hard for Lindsay's 'born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father' (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere 'religious' reasons. Big Mike has decided he can't walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system. You've got to love religion. Especially when it's one that you've been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can't argue with the man's priorities, we suppose.
Between the Sex book, Body Of Evidence and the background noises in Justify My Love, we all know how Madonna is in the sack. However, very few of us have seen what Madonna is actually like during real sex - something few of us would wish to change. But now something has come along that threatens to shatter our cocoon of not knowing how Madonna has sex forever - a man is claiming he's in possession of a Madonna sex tape. Wait, wait - don't freak out just yet. This alleged Madonna sex tape is supposedly between Madonna and Alex Rodriguez! There's not a sniff of Guy Ritchie anywhere! That means, at absolute worst, the Madonna sex tape will only be appalling enough to make your eyeballs burn up and pop. You won't actually die from watching it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer: it's a decent way of looking at things. But not so decent when your enemy is a paparazzo, who deals entirely on getting pictures of you in compromising positions, exchanging your dignity for cold, hard cash.
Damn - someone should have told Britney Spears this before she started her relationship with British photo-jockey Adnan Ghalib. See, keeping one's enemies closer does work in many situations, but when your enemy's sole purpose in life is to get as close to you as they legally can, you should probably opt for 'running away quite fast and keeping your enemy at a few arms' length'.
Alas, our poor, maybe quite mental Britney wasn't warned, and now she's supposedly trying to stop another wonderful celebrity sex tape from being released to the baying public. If only people would help to look after the girl.
Yes, you read that right, a Verne Troyer sex tape update - because you obviously haven't heard enough what Mini-Me looks like when he's having it off.
Anyway, oddly enough it seems like Verne Troyer isn't especially thrilled that TMZ recently posted a video of him dipping his tongue in and out of his girlfriend's mouth like an underdeveloped naked little anteater feeding from a proportionately much larger anthill.
So he's sued them. And he's sued sex tape entrepreneur Kevin Blatt, who is apparently trying to market the Verne Troyer sex tape. They're big lawsuits, too - if he wins them, Verne Troyer could make himself very rich indeed. Sometimes we wish were born with genetic achondroplasia and lacked both the basic inhibition that stops most people filming themselves having sex and the nous to hide the sex tape properly afterwards. That money should have been ours, Troyer! Ours!
