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Sex And The City

Sex And The City Gets Smooshed Into Kid’s Books

by Shawn Lindseth

Sex and The City was a sitcom or something.

We never watched it, but it appears the main plot was bestiality based, as every episode contained 60 solid minutes of different men totally doing a big-nosed horse named Carrie.

Like we said, we never watched it.

Its target audience was perverted middle-aged women. It was so popular it spawned a movie that we think was about Spider-Man riding Carrie in several derbies, claiming swift victories everywhere they went. We never saw that one either.

Well if you loved the TV show, and you loved the movie – then you are totally gonna dig the two pre-teen Carrie-based books that are getting smeared all over Barnes & Noble really soon. That’s right – there are some novels about to come out about Carrie’s sexy adventures in high school.

Chapter one is about a horny janitor. Sorry to ruin plot.

Sex and The City was a sitcom or something. We never watched it, but it appears the main plot was bestiality based, as every episode contained 60 solid minutes of different men totally doing a big-nosed horse named Carrie. Like we said, we never watched it. Its target audience was perverted middle-aged women. It was so popular it spawned a movie that we think was about Spider-Man riding Carrie in several derbies, claiming swift victories everywhere they went. We never saw that one either. Well if you loved the TV show, and you loved the movie - then you are totally gonna dig the two pre-teen Carrie-based books that are getting smeared all over Barnes & Noble really soon. That's right - there are some novels about to come out about Carrie's sexy adventures in high school. Chapter one is about a horny janitor. Sorry to ruin plot.
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Miley Cyrus Wants To Make Sex And The City… For Kids

by Stuart Heritage

Phew, for a second there we thought that it was only Miley Cyrus’ body that got her in trouble – turns out it’s her mouth, too.

You see, Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to be the wholesome tween star of Hannah Montana forever, which is why she’s decided to tell the world about her brilliant new pitch for a TV show. It’s basically Miley Cyrus, right, starring in Sex And The City.

Seriously, that’s what she said. Miley Cyrus wants to make a toned-down, slightly more wholesome version of Sex And The City for children. This is deeply upsetting news indeed – we already had an idea for a show called The Miley Cyrus Over The Sweater Action And Nothing More Until I’m Married Because I Love God Hour, and Miley Cyrus goes and steals it, the 15-year-old bitch.

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Sex And The City Sequel Depressingly Confirmed

by Matthew Laidlow

When we heard that four bloodsucking zombie-like creatures were going to be involved in a film revolving around seducing men, you could say we were vaguely interested.

At first we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged.

But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York – otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City – had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again – we’ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.

When we heard that four bloodsucking zombie-like creatures were going to be involved in a film revolving around seducing men, you could say we were vaguely interested. At first we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged. But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York - otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City - had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again - we’ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.
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Friends Movie Just a Horrible, Horrible Rumour. For Now.

by Ian Dransfield

It's become quite sad how strapped for ideas Hollywood has become. Not content with raiding everything from our childhoods – Transformers, Thundercats, The Smurfs – and not even leaving it alone after travesties such as Starsky and Hutch or Miami Vice, the top bods have had to look to things that haven't even left the [...]

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Which Sex And The City Character Are You?

by Stuart Heritage

As we all know, the main characters in Sex And The City reflect the four distinct groups that all women fall into – the slut, the conservative prude, the shoe-obsessed former star of Flight of The Navigator and the ginger lesbian. But which are you? 



It’s difficult, isn’t it? So thank your lucky stars that OSOYOU has come up with a nifty little Sex And The City quiz to determine exactly which SATC character you are. Over the course of a handful of multiple choice questions, the quiz will calculate your entire personality and tell you precisely which Sex And The City character you most resemble.

If you want, you can even upload a photo of yourself and then watch a nightmarish half-you, half-SATC creation scream a winning message at you. Be warned, though, you should probably only do that last bit if you don’t mind feeling a bit weird about yourself for a couple of weeks.



Plus, once you’ve completed the quiz you can enter into a free draw to attend a celebrity screening of Sex And The City and get your hands on a Sex And The City desktop wallpaper. You can’t really say fairer than that.



Turns out we’re Miranda, by the way. We’re pretty sure that’s the booby-prize.

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Sex And The City quiz – OSOYOU

As we all know, the main characters in Sex And The City reflect the four distinct groups that all women fall into - the slut, the conservative prude, the shoe-obsessed former star of Flight of The Navigator and the ginger lesbian. But which are you? 
 
It's difficult, isn't it? So thank your lucky stars that OSOYOU has come up with a nifty little Sex And The City quiz to determine exactly which SATC character you are. Over the course of a handful of multiple choice questions, the quiz will calculate your entire personality and tell you precisely which Sex And The City character you most resemble. If you want, you can even upload a photo of yourself and then watch a nightmarish half-you, half-SATC creation scream a winning message at you. Be warned, though, you should probably only do that last bit if you don't mind feeling a bit weird about yourself for a couple of weeks.
 
Plus, once you've completed the quiz you can enter into a free draw to attend a celebrity screening of Sex And The City and get your hands on a Sex And The City desktop wallpaper. You can't really say fairer than that. 

Turns out we're Miranda, by the way. We're pretty sure that's the booby-prize. Read more: Sex And The City quiz - OSOYOU
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Here’s How You Dress Like Those Sex And The City Twits

by Stuart Heritage

With the Sex And The City movie pulling lonely insecure women into cinemas in their droves, there’s only one question left to ask.

And that’s this – after seeing the overlong exploits of some weird-looking women who’ve developed bizarre shoe fixations to distract them from the endlessly bleak landmark-free waltz to their unhappy deaths, how can you dress more like the Sex And The City girls?

OSOYOU has the answer. And it’s a real answer, too, not like the cobblers we’d have probably told you – they’ve picked out costumes from the Sex And The City movie and found the nearest High Street equivalent. If you’re really that obsessed about looking like some middle-aged borderline alcoholics that you’ve seen in a film, then it’s probably quite invaluable.

Or, if that’s too much of a faff you can just do what Sarah Jessica Parker has done in the picture and punch the shit out of a tree elf until it gives you its clothes. Whichever’s easiest, really.

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The killer Sex and the City dresses and how to get the look! – OSOYOU

With the Sex And The City movie pulling lonely insecure women into cinemas in their droves, there's only one question left to ask. And that's this - after seeing the overlong exploits of some weird-looking women who've developed bizarre shoe fixations to distract them from the endlessly bleak landmark-free waltz to their unhappy deaths, how can you dress more like the Sex And The City girls? OSOYOU has the answer. And it's a real answer, too, not like the cobblers we'd have probably told you - they've picked out costumes from the Sex And The City movie and found the nearest High Street equivalent. If you're really that obsessed about looking like some middle-aged borderline alcoholics that you've seen in a film, then it's probably quite invaluable. Or, if that's too much of a faff you can just do what Sarah Jessica Parker has done in the picture and punch the shit out of a tree elf until it gives you its clothes. Whichever's easiest, really. Read more: The killer Sex and the City dresses and how to get the look! - OSOYOU
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Sex And The City Tops Weekend Box Office, Despite No Men Ever Seeing It

by Stuart Heritage

Some things just has ‘box office gold’ stamped all over it – and now that list also apparently includes ‘two and a half hours of four ropey-looking middle-aged women screeching’.

You guessed it – Sex And The City is number one at the weekend box office this week, edging Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull into second place. Which, we think, makes overlong dull-as-cocks shoe-based babbling the new man-eating ants. Or something. Oh, we don’t care.

Anyway, Sex And The City is the weekend box office number one and, while it didn’t break any traditional records as such, it is thought to hold the prize for the amount of times that the three men who were henpecked into seeing it managed to murmur “kill me” to themselves during its duration.

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

This week’s soft and hard cookies

Folded:

* Track-a-partner.com (find out if your partner is cheating on you by tracking their mobile phone signal)

* Sex and the City: The Movie (the ladies are still muttony mutton, but the film is surprisingly OK)

* In Bed with Medinner (just been scanning some of this GENIUS television on YouTube. Remember it first time around? It’s got even better with age)

* Bob Mills or ‘Millsy’ (see above – Charlie Brooker is the nearest modern day equivalent for this TV pundit/piss-taker/VHS God, but as good as he is, Millsy will always reign supreme. Myfanwy anyone?

* Schweine by Glukoza (as featured in GTA IV. Notwithstanding any political connotations, this is a crackling comedy toe-tapper. A Google image search for Glukoza turned up some promising results too)

Creased:

* The Tube – Underground (doesn’t get any better, does it?)

* American Dad season 3 DVD (not useless, but just seems as though most of the jokes could have been condensed into Family Guy)

* The return of Neil Diamond (some old singers should just stay dead)

* Cheap suitcases (why do we wait for these things to fall apart – usually on our actual journey – until we buy a new one?)

* Brothers and Sisters (geez, this show is more boring than getting your hair cut)

This week’s soft and hard cookies Folded: * Track-a-partner.com (find out if your partner is cheating on you by tracking their mobile phone signal) * Sex and the City: The Movie (the ladies are still muttony mutton, but the film is surprisingly OK) * In Bed with Medinner (just been scanning some of this GENIUS television on YouTube. Remember it first time around? It’s got even better with age) * Bob Mills or ‘Millsy’ (see above - Charlie Brooker is the nearest modern day equivalent for this TV pundit/piss-taker/VHS God, but as good as he is, Millsy will always reign supreme. Myfanwy anyone? * Schweine by Glukoza (as featured in GTA IV. Notwithstanding any political connotations, this is a crackling comedy toe-tapper. A Google image search for Glukoza turned up some promising results too) Creased: * The Tube - Underground (doesn’t get any better, does it?) * American Dad season 3 DVD (not useless, but just seems as though most of the jokes could have been condensed into Family Guy) * The return of Neil Diamond (some old singers should just stay dead) * Cheap suitcases (why do we wait for these things to fall apart – usually on our actual journey – until we buy a new one?) * Brothers and Sisters (geez, this show is more boring than getting your hair cut)
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Sex And The City: The Ginger Lesbian Had Cancer Once

by Stuart Heritage

We have to say, whichever evil genius has masterminded the Sex And The City movie’s promotional campaign deserves a knighthood and some sort of delicious medal.

Why? Rather than wanting to spend money on all kinds of stupid trailers and posters and crap, they’ve just sent the Sex And The City stars out to depress all of us with harrowing personal anecdotes until our resolve has been weakened to the extent that we’d actually consider watching the Sex And The City movie, that’s why.

In this edition: Cynthia Nixon, the ginger one from Sex And The City who’s really a lesbian, had breast cancer 18 months ago. Let’s go!

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Kristin Davis Sex Tape Might Not Actually Star Kristin Davis

by Stuart Heritage

Sex tape karma is a beautiful thing – after making us pray for blindness with the Gene Simmons sex tape, it’s now repaying us with a Kristin Davis sex tape.

You know, Kristin Davis. The uppity one from Sex And The City. There’s a Kristin Davis sex tape. And there’s not even a second of 1980s power-ballad in there at all. Take that, Simmons.

Except, wait, buckle your belt back up – Kristin Davis says that the Kristin Davis sex tape is a phony. That’s not her in the sex tape gobbling on a man’s genitals or in the accompanying pictures sitting on a toilet with her minge sticking out, Kristin says. She only knows because in the real Kristin Davis sex tape she’s wearing a pony saddle, a pair of safety goggles and is covered head-to-toe in bacon. We heard.

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