Cynthia Nixon is a lot of things to different people; third favourite character in Sex And The City, postmodern mother, pretend lover, and of late, power lesbian, but recently she’s transitioned from bona fide actress into one trick, famous homosexualist.

We were all shocked when Nixon revealed that she had hitched herself up with a woman after the collapse of her 15 year marriage to a man. And even more shocked when she debuted her brand new baby to us all.

Well set down that cup of coffee and prepare yourself for some of the most absurd news that you will hear today, unless a US congressman tries to say that 9/11 was orchestrated by Phil Mitchell to flush out Michelle and Vicky Fowler. Rumour has it that Vicky is going to be Albert Square’s version of John Connor when Mr. Papadopolous’ Launderette rises up and strikes.

But homicidal spin cycles aside, Cynthia Nixon has said something so completely mental and stupid that having a tumble dryer bearing down on us on a ravaged battlefield is what we deserve for listening to Nixon’s, frankly, trollish behaviour.

As she was showing off her new bald head to Regis and Kelly (but without Regis), Nixon thought that spouting some incredibly inflammatory remarks about what it means to be gay would be completely appropriate and not at all raising publicity for whatever god awful film she’s starring in that revolves around cancer.

Why would anyone give two hoots that she’s got a bald head? Unless she’s brandishing an umbrella and a maddening glint on her eye, no-one’s going to care are they? Anyway, between talking about whatever character she is going to ruin, she told the hosts about a recent speech she gave.

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better. And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out.”

“I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

This isn’t the first time that Nixon has angered the gay community by letting her ill-thought opinions out. She’s also helpfully told the New York Times:

“Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realise I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

It sounds like Auld Cynth gets angry about a lot of things doesn’t it? Obviously between having her cake and eating it too, Cynthia wants to get a little revolutionary as well, which is fine with us. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, even if the opinions are unfairly timed and eventually misjudged, but to say anything as generalising as being gay is a choice is making herself look just like the bigots who she is, hopefully, campaigning against.

It does sound like she’s got a touch of the Santorums doesn’t it?

So, in conclusion, rich, famous lesbians can sometimes say offensive things when they have a film out that they need to promote. There’s no point getting your knickers in a twist because she’s probably so filled with the scent of her own self worth that her shit probably tells her how fantastic she is as it flushes away.

If someone said ‘Kim Cattrall’ to you, chances are, you wouldn’t know who the shit they were talking about. If they held up a photograph of them, once you’d stopped questioning why they were so keen to get your opinion on something, you’d say “that’s her from Sex And The City and absolutely nothing else!”

Or you might say – “Mannequin. Wasn’t she in that? No idea. Will you please leave me alone now, because I’ve got things to be getting on with.”

Basically, this no-mark actor will forever be thought of as Samantha Jones from SATC and no-one thinks any different, right? Wrong. See, Kim Cattrall is under the impression that the good people of Blighty don’t just view her as being her Sex And The City character. When we do.

In fact, we’re just like you, inasmuch that when we see Cattrall, we instantly assume she’s exactly the same as her SATC character. She’s so typecast in our heads that we think that, away from the whirring cameras, she’s a man-eating, spunk-guzzling floozy who just can’t get enough dick in her.

Sorry about that. Could be worse. You could’ve been typecast as a child murderer.

Either way, Cattrall is under the illusion that we wonky toothed Brits think of her as anything but…

“In England they aren’t interested in casting me as Samantha. Across the pond they see me as an actress who plays many roles, so I am interested in continuing to work in television and I have a project with the BBC which I am producing”

So, what freeing roles has she been getting, which are drastically different from her previous famous gigs of Sex And The City, Porky’s and Police Academy?

She recently made a movie comeback starring as an ageing porn star in Meet Monica Velour.

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Sex And The City is a show that should have been taken to a public square and flogged to within an inch of its life, leaving only a greasy stain and a pair of expensive shoes. Effectively, the show managed to make womankind look like the most vapid, arrogant, backward idiots ever to walk this awful revolving speck of dust we call our planet.

One of the most jarring characters in the show was dead-eyed, corpse-minge of Samantha as played by Kim Cattrall.

And because us plebs consistently forget that these people are actors, portraying a fictional creation, we’re happy to assume that Kim is exactly the same as her most famous role or, at the very least, people get the two confused… which is why she’s right to be frightened of the dating game.

Kim Cattrall apparently finds the whole dating thing “scary”, making her feel like she’s 14 again (she hails from Liverpool – they start young there). She’s dating because she has split with her long-time partner Alan Wyse, leaving her to look back on her numerous failed marriages, trying to work out if she’s an idiot or, indeed, all men are ghouls.

She says:

“It’s pretty good. I’m dating, getting out there. It’s scary but also it’s exciting. It’s both of those things. It’s a tight rope, you know? It’s feeling like you’re 14 again, which you kind of like when you’re 54.”

Of course, we can only assume that the men she’s currently attracting all continually mistake her for her SATC character, meaning that they’re more than happy to try and throw one up her bum without asking before giving a cheeky shrug, ejaculating in her hair and then wandering off into the night without a care in the world.

No wonder she’s finding it all a bit frightening.

Still, it is the least she deserves for being partly responsible for the dreadful, dreadful SATC movies, of which it doesn’t look like there will be another:

“I have to say, I really don’t think so, maybe a prequel. But I don’t know. I think that everybody who could make this happen in the sense of the script and directing has gone on to other things, and I really wish them all the best.”

Good riddance.

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The next few weeks see the start of Clearing, as thousands of students will discover which university they’ll attend.

And all of them want to go to Liverpool John Moores University. This is because Kim Cattrall from Sex And The City has just been made a fellow there. Just imagine, sitting next to Kim Cattrall in lectures. Having Kim Cattrall as your housemate. Getting hammered on diluted lager and unsuccessfully trying to feel Kim Cattrall up during fresher’s week and then doing your best to avoid her for the entire three-year course because the pain of rejection is too much for you to take.

What? Kim Cattrall has only been made an honorary fellow at John Moores University, which doesn’t actually mean anything? They may as well have just given her a scroll reading ‘You are famous and we are desperate for attention’? Oh.

Kim Cattrall’s family has origins in Liverpool. We know this because, like Jerry Springer and Gillian Anderson before her, every time she stops getting work in America she comes over here and talks about her English granny in the hope that someone will give her a TV show. Or, you know, an honorary fellowship at a university or whatever. It doesn’t matter. Attention is attention.

And yesterday the plan finally paid off. Finally, Kim Cattrall’s dream of swanning into a graduation ceremony and upstaging everyone who had to spend years of actual work to get there came true. She’s now an honorary fellow of the university. Whatever that means. Seriously, we have no clue. But at least she made a speech. PA reports:

“This is as much about family as it is about one individual. My family is here with me today. My mum, my aunties, my cousins, my friends. They have given me such confidence to make me believe that I could achieve anything I wanted to if I worked hard enough and I stayed true to myself.”

And, with Kim Cattrall’s endorsement ringing loudly in their ears, all the graduates simultaneously came to the realisation that, if they worked hard and stayed true to themselves, they too could eventually get their tits out for a TV show. But only if they believed. And had nice tits, obviously. That’s sort of a prerequisite.

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Who’s ready to watch four middle-aged women discuss their vulvas in genuinely uncomfortable detail?

You are? Hooray! Because there’s a new Sex And The City 2 trailer out! Except, wait, no, Sex And The City 2 is a Sex And City movie, so there won’t actually be any of the sex from the TV show in it. But don’t worry – in its place will be lots of endless guff about emotions and feelings, and more eye-bleedingly terrible outfits than you’d think was possible to contain in a single feature-length film. That’s almost the same thing, right?

And as a teaser for all the terrible outfits in the film, the new Sex And The City 2 trailer is filled to the brim with all kinds of cack-handed, impractical, garish, stupid-looking pieces of clothing. But what are the 15 worst outfits to be found in the Sex And The City 2 trailer? Glad you asked. Let’s find out…

First, here’s the full Sex And The City 2 trailer. Enjoy it, if that’s your sort of thing…

Wow! What a non-stop blizzard of genuinely horrible clothes that was! Why, we’re going to have to slow things down and show you the 15 worst outfits from the Sex And The City 2 trailer, just in case it all zipped by a bit too quickly for you to fully appreciate how catastrophically woeful every single character looked in it. Ready?

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #1: The ‘naked, with lots of disgusting flaps of excess skin’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #2: The ‘hello, I’ll be your male 1980s professional wrestler turned silver service waiter for the evening’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #3: The ‘gay, balding Easter Bunny’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT  #4: The ‘ill-advised Beyonce Single Ladies video re-enactment starring three different versions of Liza Minnelli‘ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #5: The ‘skullcap made from reclaimed Christmas wrapping’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #6-9: The ‘no, no, no, oh definitely not’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #10: The ‘Zippy from Rainbow wants his cadaver back’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #11: The ‘attention-seeking recent divorcee with ideas above her station’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #12: The ‘surgically grafted Miley Cyrus co-joined twin’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #13: The ‘conspicuously transsexual stormtrooper’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #14: The ‘Princess Leia if she was part horse’ look

TERRIBLE SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER OUTFIT #15: The ‘whoever your stylist is, kill them now, actually kill them, bludgeon them over the head with half a brick, roll them up in a rug, stuff them into the boot of your car, drive to a quarry, wait until midnight and throw their lifeless corpse in because seriously what the fuck have they done to you’ look

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Sex And The City 2 is out next year. Yes, you’re right to be excited. Or dismayed. But mainly excited.

And guess what? There’s a new Sex And The City 2 trailer out! If you’re the sort of person who thinks that drinking pikey cocktails and screeching the word ‘fabulous’ a lot makes up for the fact that you’re a dumpy friendless recruitment consultant from Eastbourne who can’t remember ever experiencing a recognisable human emotion, this is bound to be the best news EVER!

We’ve got the Sex And The City 2 trailer right here for you after the jump. Better yet, we’ve decoded the Sex And The City 2 trailer for you, moment by moment. It’s nothing less than you deserve.

We don’t know about you, but we’re so excited about next year’s Sex And The City 2. The first film just left so many questions unanswered, didn’t it, like ‘Where’s all the sex?’ and ‘Why is this called Sex And The City? There isn’t any sex in it. Really, when you think about it, it should be called Horsey Old Ladies In Shit Clothes And The City, shouldn’t it?’ and, of course, ‘Can they really get away with replicating this crap word for word and calling it a sequel?’

Well, the first Sex And The City 2 trailer has been unveiled and it would seem like the answer to that last question is a great big yes. But we wouldn’t want it any other way, right girls? We know what we want from Sex And The City 2, and that’s shoes and cocktails and shoes and fabulousness and dresses and handbags and shoes and fabulousness and shoes and dresses and shoes and shoes and cocktails and shoes. And funny-looking old ladies. And shoes! Right girls? SHOES!

But we’re getting off-topic here. Let’s take a look at the Sex And The City 2 trailer…

But wait! That was such a dazzling cavalcade of fabulousness that you probably don’t even know what happened. Let’s slow things down and give the Sex And The City 2 trailer the decoding it jolly well needs…

SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER SCENE ONE:

Look girls, it’s Sex And The City 2! All our old friends are here – there’s the woman from that new Hugh Grant film…

SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER SCENE TWO:

… and the lesbian…

SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER SCENE THREE:

…and the one with the sex tape!

SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER SCENE FOUR:

And, look! Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler has decided to turn up as well, done up like some sort of slaggy geisha! Fabulous dress, Mickey!

SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER SCENE FIVE:

Here we can see Sarah Jessica Parker confronted by her wardrobe. “What shall I wear today?” she thinks, “The outfit that makes me look like a transsexual prostitute, the outfit that makes me look like a malnourished child from a broken home or the outfit that makes me look like some sort of fucking ridiculous ungodly flamingo/dalmatian hybrid?” SPOILER ALERT: She wears all three three. At once.

SEX AND THE CITY 2 TRAILER SCENE SIX:

Some camels. We don’t know what sort of animals they’re all riding, though! Ha ha ha.

You may start thanking us now, Sex And The City fans.

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Entourage has been described as the male Sex and the City.

Strange, considering that Entourage has more wit, talent and imagination in one line of dialogue than Sex and the City had in its entirely overlong, over-hyped, self-indulgent, commercialised, horse-faced, mass-menopausal film.

If you’re not up to speed, the plot basically centres around Hollywood A-lister Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier) and his tag-alongs. ‘E’ (Kevin Connolly) is Vincent’s manager, Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) is his driver and Drama (Kevin Dillon) is his less successful acting brother. Together, along with the always-modest Ari (Vince’s agent - Jeremy Piven), they try to bag movie roles, women and a good time on a weekly basis.

It sounds pretty basic and certainly doesn’t instantly reek of longevity. Five seasons in, though, and it is still as strong as it was when it first started. It’s a programme from the brain of Doug Ellin (and based on Mark Wahlberg‘s early Hollywood exploits), that has evolved into one of the most enjoyable comedy-dramas on television.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly what makes it so compelling. Each season covers a specific part of Vincent’s career, with this season showing his struggle after a mega-flop and being seemingly uncastable. This situation makes for an interesting series, with plenty of cameos – from Gus Van Sant to Martin Scorsese – it is constantly enthralling to watch.

Maybe it is the fact that so many Hollywood major players want a part in it. This season alone packs in all manner of stars and familiar faces in different-sized roles, either playing themselves or a character, and it makes the programme feel genuine.

It’s not even that the characters continue to grow. They all end up back where they were, eventually – mostly fun-loving, foul-mouthed and filthy rich. The characters are so likeable and the curiosity of how the famous live is indulged with the filthy, upbeat tone that makes the Hollywood dream look as appealing as we all hoped it would be.

Whatever the reason, Entourage‘s fifth season is fast-paced, must-see television and one of the best shows around at the moment. The only thing that lets the DVD release down is the lack of extras: a couple of commentaries and behind the scenes featurettes don’t add much to the package. It doesn’t really matter, though – if you’re a fan or have yet to see the series, then this boxset is worth the RRP for the show alone. You’d never guess that a hecklerspray reviewer would recommend a show about all the behind the scenes, filthy goings-on in Hollywood!

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Sometimes a piece of news comes along that makes us genuinely confused – people, get ready for that news.

You know Cynthia Nixon from Sex And The City? She’s got fans. Actual fans. Not people who say that they like her to be ironic, or because they think that liking Sarah Jessica Parker would be too obvious. She’s got fans. The sort of hysterical logic-defying fans who’d storm onto the set of Sex And The City 2 just so they can be close to her.

It’s weird. But at least they weren’t Kim Cattrall fans. That would have really freaked us out.

The first Sex And The City movie was a box office phenomenon, taking hundreds of millions of dollars and easily becoming the most successful movie about four funny-looking middle-aged transvestites in the history of cinema. And because of its success, the world is now full of lonely women who think that drinking cocktails and saying the word ‘fabulous’ a lot makes them look impossibly sophisticated, when in fact they still look exactly like the depressed, unloved recruitment consultants that they actually are, only slightly more desperate.

But we digress. These women all like to compare themselves to one of the major Sex And City characters. They might compare themselves to Sarah Jessica Parker, the eloquent and fashion-conscious leader of the gang. Or they might prefer to align themselves with Kristin Davies, the conventionally beautiful prude with an alarming sideline in possible sex tapes. Or maybe Kim Cattrall, the outrageous drunk one who’ll sleep with anyone because it stops her from confronting the realisation that she’s going to die miserable and alone.

Or, the other one. There is another one, right? The ginger lesbian who nobody really likes? Yeah, her.

Well here’s something startling – Sex And The City 2 started filming in New York this week and, if reports are to be believed, the biggest fan draw so far is the ginger lesbian who nobody really likes. In fact, the hysteria surrounding Cynthia Nixon was so enormous that one of her scenes had to be pulled. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Filming for the “Sex and the City” sequel had to be halted on Wednesday after hysterical fans tried to overpower security to get closer to Cynthia Nixon… A source tells New York Daily News, “People were screaming and trying to push past guards. The fans were just too much. Security looked legitimately concerned for her (Nixon’s) safety.”

We honestly can’t get our head around this. Fans going crazy for Robert Pattinson we can understand, because his fans are all teenage girls and screaming and crying and loss of bladder control are what teenage girls do whenever they’re not talking too much or cutting themselves. But Cynthia Nixon? 43-year-old ginger hard-to-like lesbian Cynthia Nixon, star of Sex And The City and hardly anything else? Look, we know a lot of famous people have died recently, but there’s no need to lower your standards that much, is there?

Anyway, as a result of this bewilderingly inexplicable Cynthia Nixon hysteria, security has been stepped up for the remainder of the Sex And The City 2 shoot. And, when the inevitable Sex And The City 3 happens, fans won’t be able to get anywhere near its stars. Admittedly that’s because everyone will be so old by then that the entire movie will be set in a convalescent hospital for sufferers of chronic osteoporosis, but that’s hardly the point.

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Thanks a lot Carrie Prejean. You’ve spent the last month blathering on about gay marriage and look at the consequences.

The main consequence is that we’ve been forced to remember that Cynthia Nixon exists. Cynthia Nixon, the ginger one off Sex And The City famous for being a) a lesbian and b) not even in anybody’s list of top five Sex And The City characters, has got engaged to her girlfriend.

See? Even Sex And The City stars can have same-sex marriages. Except Sarah Jessica Parker – it’s so hard to find a mutant horse/woman hybrid who isn’t married these days.

Despite all this hoo-hah about Miss California, the truth is that gay marriage is progress. Just look at Cynthia Nixon from Sex And The City. If she’d been born a few centuries ago, her desire to get married to a woman would have seen her burnt at the stake as a ginger, not especially popular witch.

But now? Now Cynthia Nixon has announced her engagement to longtime girlfriend Christine Marinoni and nobody bats an eyelid. Like we said, it’s progress in action – even ginger lesbians get to experience the long, flat, joyless, gnawing, sex-free trudge to the blissful freedom of death that is marriage. One day, in around 20 years’ time, Cynthia Nixon is going to be sitting in her lounge in silence, thinking genuinely murderous thoughts about her wife because she sometimes picks her ear and wipes it on her trousers, and she’ll thank the gay rights movement, we tell you.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Cynthia Nixon, the only lesbian in the principle Sex And The City cast – all the others appear to be pre-op transgender males, by the way – is getting engaged to Christine Marinoni and that is that. MSNBC reports:

Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to girlfriend Christine Marinoni on Sunday at a rally for gay marriage, a source on the scene told Access Hollywood. According to the source, the “Sex and The City” star told the crowd at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally in New York City that she became engaged last month.

This is a groundbreaking announcement for two reasons, really. Firstly, this is the first time that Cynthia Nixon has announced her engagement to a person who she won’t eventually come to resent because they’ve got a penis, and secondly this is bound to be the precursor to the only lesbian honeymoon sextape in history that nobody would ever watch, not even if you paid them and held their immediate family at gunpoint. So, you know, congratulations for that.

But how will Cynthia Nixon’s engagement affect the production of Sex And The City 2? If the answer to that question is anything other than ‘it has caused the production of Sex And The City 2 to be postponed indefinitely’ then the true answer is ‘not nearly enough’.

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The Sex And The City movie was fun, but we didn’t like the way that nobody looked frighteningly haggard in it.

But someone up there is listening. The Sex And The City stars have all signed on for Sex And The City 2, so soon we’ll get to see Kim Cattrall‘s clodge looking more tired and wizened than ever before!

In fact, with the cast getting older as movies become more immersive, we’re sure that Sex And The City 2 will be the first movie where the audience gets a free HRT patch and a scoop of KY jelly on their way in.

Ladies, here’s some advance warning. In about 18 months, every single product that you’re ever likely to buy – clothes, food, face creams, tampons – is going to come rebranded to contain a pink and black image of a city skyline.

And, what’s more, for some reason this image will not only make you buy more stuff, but it’ll also fill you with the urge to drink cocktails and talk loudly about your sex life in the mistaken belief that you’re classy and sophisticated, when in fact you’re a dumpy 48-year-old recruitment consultant from Guildford who lives with three cats and nobody else.

This, ladies, is because Sex And The City 2 is coming out in 2010. And there’s nothing you can do to fight its power.

Thanks to the extraordinary success of the first Sex And The City movie amongst women who wanted to go and see a movie about sex that didn’t actually have any sex it it, rumours of a Sex And The City sequel have been around for months. But now it’s official – according to reports, the main cast have signed contracts tying to Sex And The City 2, and it’ll be coming out next year. According to Reuters:

Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall and Kristin Davis have signed contracts for a “Sex and the City” movie sequel, movie studio New Line Cinema said on Thursday. New Line said writer-director Michael Patrick King has also signed a contract to write the script for the latest installment of a money-spinning franchise that includes a TV series and a book by Candace Bushnell.

We don’t know about you, but in all honesty we can’t wait for Sex And The City 2. Here’s hoping that the movie clears up the following questions for us:

* Will Sarah Jessica Parker‘s face ever complete its slow transformation into an amputee stump?

* How far will the Michael Patrick King manage to utterly ostracise the man who plays Mr Big this time?

* Is Kim Cattrall ever going to realise that her ‘sexy’ voice actually sounds like a drunken transvestite stroke victim doing an impression of a ghost?

* Really, what’s the point of the ginger one?

Honestly, we’re on the edge of our bloody seat here.

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Sex and The City was a sitcom or something.

We never watched it, but it appears the main plot was bestiality based, as every episode contained 60 solid minutes of different men totally doing a big-nosed horse named Carrie.

Like we said, we never watched it.

Its target audience was perverted middle-aged women. It was so popular it spawned a movie that we think was about Spider-Man riding Carrie in several derbies, claiming swift victories everywhere they went. We never saw that one either.

Well if you loved the TV show, and you loved the movie – then you are totally gonna dig the two pre-teen Carrie-based books that are getting smeared all over Barnes & Noble really soon. That’s right – there are some novels about to come out about Carrie’s sexy adventures in high school.

Chapter one is about a horny janitor. Sorry to ruin plot.

It’s a little known fact that Sex and the City was originally supposed to be entitled ‘Sex with the City,’ but by the time the camera panned back far enough to film the obviously necessary scenes, Carrie looked like a gnat squirming this way and that with no real purpose or direction.

Also we heard she kept getting chaffed by New York’s subway system. These wounds, in turn, got really, really infected and filming got halted like 10 times.

And so was born Sex and the City, the most important piece of television since it was revealed Joe died in a bike crash or something in the Facts of Life made-for-TV reunion movie.

SATC is so popular it’s spawned comic books, look alike pageants, Lego collector sets, video games, breakfast cereals. a well-written movie and most importantly – the social acceptance of women who used to be considered pretty deformed.

It didn’t spawn any of those things. We wish it would though. Seriously – all that crap would be great. It is pushing out a couple of books though. They’ll be all about Carrie Bradshaw kicking it live in high school. These novellas will no doubt be perfect material to read your child as they drift off to sleep.

E! Online reports on the book deal:

“Candace Bushnell is doing her best to milk the cash cow that is Sex and the City completely dry, announcing plans to publish The Carrie Diaries, two young adult novels that will take readers back to the lady Bradshaw’s more formative high school years…”I’ve always been interested in exploring Carrie’s teenage years,” Bushnell [the author & basis for SATC] said. “Carrie in high school did not follow the crowd—she led it. It was there that she began observing and commenting on the social scene.”"

Doesn’t that sound good? Well it will be – we know because we’ve seen a leaked excerpt. We’ll show it to you if you promise not to tell anybody. It’s from chapter 4 in the first book. It details Carrie’s entrance into puberty:

“As Carrie woke her eyes focused on the pink wallpaper across from her bed. She’s seen it everyday for the past three years – yet somehow it looked different. She sat up and realised her boobs had leaked milk all over the inside of her pajama-top for the first time ever. And just like that, she knew she’d never be the same.

“The lactate got on her mattress too.”

We can tell that’s an accurate book-extract because of its spot-on description of a girl’s changing body. That’s really what gives it the air of truth.

Phew, for a second there we thought that it was only Miley Cyrus’ body that got her in trouble – turns out it’s her mouth, too.

You see, Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to be the wholesome tween star of Hannah Montana forever, which is why she’s decided to tell the world about her brilliant new pitch for a TV show. It’s basically Miley Cyrus, right, starring in Sex And The City.

Seriously, that’s what she said. Miley Cyrus wants to make a toned-down, slightly more wholesome version of Sex And The City for children. This is deeply upsetting news indeed – we already had an idea for a show called The Miley Cyrus Over The Sweater Action And Nothing More Until I’m Married Because I Love God Hour, and Miley Cyrus goes and steals it, the 15-year-old bitch.

You might not have noticed, but Miley Cyrus is hell-bent on growing up. Although she’s still only 15 years old – an age where most people are happy to hula hoop in meadows or carry loaves of bread for pensioners – Miley Cyrus just won’t stop trying to assert her adulthood onto everyone.

You can see it in the typically grown-up things that Miley Cyrus has apparently started to do – like smoking, lapdancing, taking part in partially-naked glossy magazine photoshoots, getting in the shower with her clothes on and, possibly most adult of them all, occasionally not wearing seatbelts.

But that’s nothing, because now Miley Cyrus has said that she wants to remake Sex And The City – the graphically sexual show about a bunch of sluts having it off that probably isn’t especially suitable viewing material for 15-year-old girls. Miley told TV Guide:

“I’d love to do a younger, cleaner version of Sex and the City. I like to think of myself as the girl that no one can get, that no one can keep in their hand.”

Way to get loads of 11-year-old girls to watch Sex And The City, Miley. Way to warp their sexual ideals before they’ve even reached puberty. Jeez, why didn’t you just take a full-page advert out in Tween Scene magazine saying “Hi kids, I’m Miley Cyrus and I want you all to go out and buy dildos”? Because that’s basically what you’re doing anyway.

Oh, we’re just kidding – if anything, raising tween awareness of a show that repeatedly features shots of Kim Cattrall‘s grisled naked body is going to do more to promote childhood abstinence than almost anything else – but Miley’s decision to remake Sex And The City without the sex is still incredibly troubling.

Why? Because if you remove all traces of sex from Sex And The City, what are you left with? A bunch of ropey-looking old ladies sitting round a table banging on about shoes. And a city. That sounds shit.

When we heard that four bloodsucking zombie-like creatures were going to be involved in a film revolved around seducing men, you could say we were vaguely interested.

At first, we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged.

But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York – otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City – had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again – we’ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.

The creatively titled Sex And The City: The Movie is still showing in a couple of cinemas, sending women into spasms of romance and blokes into blubbering wrecks. Not because Samantha’s plight moved them, but because they’ve realised they’ve blown £15 on a ticket, popcorn and drink. Being dragged round IKEA to look at eco-friendly cutlery is more appealing to your average man.

We won’t bother ruining the plot of Sex And The City for you. We would, but we haven’t seen it so we can’t. It’s not like the end of the last Harry Potter book, where you can flick to the end of the last page and find out that Harry’s whole wizard experience was the result of sniffing too many solvents.

Still, we do know that at the end of the film that the four hags were sitting round a table celebrating Samantha’s 50th and another toasting to the next fifty years. Oh Jesus, the next 50? Urgh, must we?

Give time a chance to catch up with them and we’ll end up getting Sex And The City: Pensioner Edition. With the potential for this franchise to be made right up until 2058, we could be in for some extremely uncomfortable viewing. Do we really want to watch saggy, old women chasing after men with their mobility scooters and walking sticks?

Just remember, it would be like your granny chasing after your best mate. Not a pretty image at all, is it? So why would you pay to see anything as godawful as that? We wouldn’t even inflict that sort of stuff on our enemies.

Unless it’s just us, we can’t really think of many programmes or films that any of the Sex And The City girls have done since the TV show finished. Sarah Jessica Parker got work as a pantomime horse across the country, but apart from that there’s been nothing at all to bring in the money. But, even so, surely one Sex And The City movie is enough for anybody. Not according to HBO bigwig Michael Lombardo. He said:

“We’re really heartened by the fans’ enthusiasm. There is a lot of energy behind doing another SATC movie.”

There you have it! People power has prevailed again and, thanks to thousands of women, another film is in the works. With potentially exciting plots to maybe include Carrie getting her pension book or Samantha defying everything to become the world’s oldest stripper, this film only makes us want to cry into our Frosties.

Still, we’ll just numb the pain by watching a film with car chases and explosions in it. You can never go wrong with those.

It's become quite sad how strapped for ideas Hollywood has become. Not content with raiding everything from our childhoods – Transformers, Thundercats, The Smurfs – and not even leaving it alone after travesties such as Starsky and Hutch or Miami Vice, the top bods have had to look to things that haven't even left the collective consciousness of the public.

Take the Sex and the City movie, for example. Rehashing a series that had finished on TV less than five years previously seemed to hecklerspray as something of a cynical cash-in. And it worked. Did it ever work . So who can blame the struggling execs in tinseltown for turning to another much-loved TV property with a push at converting it for the big screen, even though the topsoil on its grave is still fresh?

Yes, friends, there are rumours they're re-doing Friends. But for now, even though everyone in the world seems to be harping on about it, these rumours are nothing but that. There may be hope yet.

When it comes to barely-even-dead TV shows heading to the big screen there are few occasions when it's a genuinely good idea. The Sex and the City film proved it was a lucrative idea, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one. It does if you're a money-hoarding twit, mind, but if you have any integrity whatsoever it's probably better to leave these projects alone. Let them die, especially when they went on for ten years and tied up every loose end imaginable over the course.

Don't re-open the wounds, don't rehash the same storylines, don't break up the established relationships and don't create new problems from lives that fans of the show have accepted as being 'on course'. Oh, and retroactively: don't give Joey a spin-off. It won't work. hecklerspray feared the worst when rumours popped up earlier this week that all of those sins were about to be committed in one glorious two-hour epic of utterly unbelievable lives, 'being there for yoooou' and Phoebe being a shit character.

But thank crikey if there haven't been two massive wedges of sense in the space of a day – first the tabloid 'zines turn down messr Lohan's approaches to sell the story of the child that may not even be his, and now it would seem that the raping of an only very recently dead TV corpse is to be left alone. For the time being, at least. Matthew Perry – or Chandler, or that one off that cancelled TV show that was quite good, for those who don't know him outside of Friends (i.e. most people, thanks to his stellar movie career) – has a publicist, Lisa Kasteler, and she said these words using her mouth:

"Nothing is happening in this regard, so the rumour is false."

She couldn't have put it better if she tried. Well, she could – she could have swore or something, as we all know swearing is fucking cool. But for 'getting straight to the point' points, she scores high.

But this leaves something of a void in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers. Well, we should say 'more of a void than the normal vacuous space that should resemble the creative part of a human brain in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers'. Without a tried-and-tested formula, what can they do? Come up with something new? Do a sequel? Release the same rom-com again with a different title?

hecklerspray has a suggestion, one that we're willing to give up for free, just this once. It covers the TV-remake base and has genuine potential, as well as being a worthy transition from small to big screen, not just a bloated cash-in.

Arrested Development: The Movie.

Make that and most of your sins for being rubbish bastards will be forgiven.

As we all know, the main characters in Sex And The City reflect the four distinct groups that all women fall into – the slut, the conservative prude, the shoe-obsessed former star of Flight of The Navigator and the ginger lesbian. But which are you?

It’s difficult, isn’t it? So thank your lucky stars that OSOYOU has come up with a nifty little Sex And The City quiz to determine exactly which SATC character you are. Over the course of a handful of multiple choice questions, the quiz will calculate your entire personality and tell you precisely which Sex And The City character you most resemble.

If you want, you can even upload a photo of yourself and then watch a nightmarish half-you, half-SATC creation scream a winning message at you. Be warned, though, you should probably only do that last bit if you don’t mind feeling a bit weird about yourself for a couple of weeks.

Plus, once you’ve completed the quiz you can enter into a free draw to attend a celebrity screening of Sex And The City and get your hands on a Sex And The City desktop wallpaper. You can’t really say fairer than that.

Turns out we’re Miranda, by the way. We’re pretty sure that’s the booby-prize.

Read more:

Sex And The City quiz – OSOYOU