Entourage has been described as the male Sex and the City.

Strange, considering that Entourage has more wit, talent and imagination in one line of dialogue than Sex and the City had in its entirely overlong, over-hyped, self-indulgent, commercialised, horse-faced, mass-menopausal film.

If you’re not up to speed, the plot basically centres around Hollywood A-lister Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier) and his tag-alongs. ‘E’ (Kevin Connolly) is Vincent’s manager, Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) is his driver and Drama (Kevin Dillon) is his less successful acting brother. Together, along with the always-modest Ari (Vince’s agent - Jeremy Piven), they try to bag movie roles, women and a good time on a weekly basis.

It sounds pretty basic and certainly doesn’t instantly reek of longevity. Five seasons in, though, and it is still as strong as it was when it first started. It’s a programme from the brain of Doug Ellin (and based on Mark Wahlberg’s early Hollywood exploits), that has evolved into one of the most enjoyable comedy-dramas on television.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly what makes it so compelling. Each season covers a specific part of Vincent’s career, with this season showing his struggle after a mega-flop and being seemingly uncastable. This situation makes for an interesting series, with plenty of cameos – from Gus Van Sant to Martin Scorsese – it is constantly enthralling to watch.

Maybe it is the fact that so many Hollywood major players want a part in it. This season alone packs in all manner of stars and familiar faces in different-sized roles, either playing themselves or a character, and it makes the programme feel genuine.

It’s not even that the characters continue to grow. They all end up back where they were, eventually – mostly fun-loving, foul-mouthed and filthy rich. The characters are so likeable and the curiosity of how the famous live is indulged with the filthy, upbeat tone that makes the Hollywood dream look as appealing as we all hoped it would be.

Whatever the reason, Entourage’s fifth season is fast-paced, must-see television and one of the best shows around at the moment. The only thing that lets the DVD release down is the lack of extras: a couple of commentaries and behind the scenes featurettes don’t add much to the package. It doesn’t really matter, though – if you’re a fan or have yet to see the series, then this boxset is worth the RRP for the show alone. You’d never guess that a hecklerspray reviewer would recommend a show about all the behind the scenes, filthy goings-on in Hollywood!

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Sometimes a piece of news comes along that makes us genuinely confused – people, get ready for that news.

You know Cynthia Nixon from Sex And The City? She’s got fans. Actual fans. Not people who say that they like her to be ironic, or because they think that liking Sarah Jessica Parker would be too obvious. She’s got fans. The sort of hysterical logic-defying fans who’d storm onto the set of Sex And The City 2 just so they can be close to her.

It’s weird. But at least they weren’t Kim Cattrall fans. That would have really freaked us out.

The first Sex And The City movie was a box office phenomenon, taking hundreds of millions of dollars and easily becoming the most successful movie about four funny-looking middle-aged transvestites in the history of cinema. And because of its success, the world is now full of lonely women who think that drinking cocktails and saying the word ‘fabulous’ a lot makes them look impossibly sophisticated, when in fact they still look exactly like the depressed, unloved recruitment consultants that they actually are, only slightly more desperate.

But we digress. These women all like to compare themselves to one of the major Sex And City characters. They might compare themselves to Sarah Jessica Parker, the eloquent and fashion-conscious leader of the gang. Or they might prefer to align themselves with Kristin Davies, the conventionally beautiful prude with an alarming sideline in possible sex tapes. Or maybe Kim Cattrall, the outrageous drunk one who’ll sleep with anyone because it stops her from confronting the realisation that she’s going to die miserable and alone.

Or, the other one. There is another one, right? The ginger lesbian who nobody really likes? Yeah, her.

Well here’s something startling – Sex And The City 2 started filming in New York this week and, if reports are to be believed, the biggest fan draw so far is the ginger lesbian who nobody really likes. In fact, the hysteria surrounding Cynthia Nixon was so enormous that one of her scenes had to be pulled. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Filming for the “Sex and the City” sequel had to be halted on Wednesday after hysterical fans tried to overpower security to get closer to Cynthia Nixon… A source tells New York Daily News, “People were screaming and trying to push past guards. The fans were just too much. Security looked legitimately concerned for her (Nixon’s) safety.”

We honestly can’t get our head around this. Fans going crazy for Robert Pattinson we can understand, because his fans are all teenage girls and screaming and crying and loss of bladder control are what teenage girls do whenever they’re not talking too much or cutting themselves. But Cynthia Nixon? 43-year-old ginger hard-to-like lesbian Cynthia Nixon, star of Sex And The City and hardly anything else? Look, we know a lot of famous people have died recently, but there’s no need to lower your standards that much, is there?

Anyway, as a result of this bewilderingly inexplicable Cynthia Nixon hysteria, security has been stepped up for the remainder of the Sex And The City 2 shoot. And, when the inevitable Sex And The City 3 happens, fans won’t be able to get anywhere near its stars. Admittedly that’s because everyone will be so old by then that the entire movie will be set in a convalescent hospital for sufferers of chronic osteoporosis, but that’s hardly the point.

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Thanks a lot Carrie Prejean. You’ve spent the last month blathering on about gay marriage and look at the consequences.

The main consequence is that we’ve been forced to remember that Cynthia Nixon exists. Cynthia Nixon, the ginger one off Sex And The City famous for being a) a lesbian and b) not even in anybody’s list of top five Sex And The City characters, has got engaged to her girlfriend.

See? Even Sex And The City stars can have same-sex marriages. Except Sarah Jessica Parker – it’s so hard to find a mutant horse/woman hybrid who isn’t married these days.

Despite all this hoo-hah about Miss California, the truth is that gay marriage is progress. Just look at Cynthia Nixon from Sex And The City. If she’d been born a few centuries ago, her desire to get married to a woman would have seen her burnt at the stake as a ginger, not especially popular witch.

But now? Now Cynthia Nixon has announced her engagement to longtime girlfriend Christine Marinoni and nobody bats an eyelid. Like we said, it’s progress in action – even ginger lesbians get to experience the long, flat, joyless, gnawing, sex-free trudge to the blissful freedom of death that is marriage. One day, in around 20 years’ time, Cynthia Nixon is going to be sitting in her lounge in silence, thinking genuinely murderous thoughts about her wife because she sometimes picks her ear and wipes it on her trousers, and she’ll thank the gay rights movement, we tell you.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Cynthia Nixon, the only lesbian in the principle Sex And The City cast – all the others appear to be pre-op transgender males, by the way – is getting engaged to Christine Marinoni and that is that. MSNBC reports:

Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to girlfriend Christine Marinoni on Sunday at a rally for gay marriage, a source on the scene told Access Hollywood. According to the source, the “Sex and The City” star told the crowd at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally in New York City that she became engaged last month.

This is a groundbreaking announcement for two reasons, really. Firstly, this is the first time that Cynthia Nixon has announced her engagement to a person who she won’t eventually come to resent because they’ve got a penis, and secondly this is bound to be the precursor to the only lesbian honeymoon sextape in history that nobody would ever watch, not even if you paid them and held their immediate family at gunpoint. So, you know, congratulations for that.

But how will Cynthia Nixon’s engagement affect the production of Sex And The City 2? If the answer to that question is anything other than ‘it has caused the production of Sex And The City 2 to be postponed indefinitely’ then the true answer is ‘not nearly enough’.

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But someone up there is listening. The Sex And The City stars have all signed on for Sex And The City 2, so soon we’ll get to see Kim Cattrall’s clodge looking more tired and wizened than ever before!

In fact, with the cast getting older as movies become more immersive, we’re sure that Sex And The City 2 will be the first movie where the audience gets a free HRT patch and a scoop of KY jelly on their way in.

Ladies, here’s some advance warning. In about 18 months, every single product that you’re ever likely to buy – clothes, food, face creams, tampons – is going to come rebranded to contain a pink and black image of a city skyline.

And, what’s more, for some reason this image will not only make you buy more stuff, but it’ll also fill you with the urge to drink cocktails and talk loudly about your sex life in the mistaken belief that you’re classy and sophisticated, when in fact you’re a dumpy 48-year-old recruitment consultant from Guildford who lives with three cats and nobody else.

This, ladies, is because Sex And The City 2 is coming out in 2010. And there’s nothing you can do to fight its power.

Thanks to the extraordinary success of the first Sex And The City movie amongst women who wanted to go and see a movie about sex that didn’t actually have any sex it it, rumours of a Sex And The City sequel have been around for months. But now it’s official – according to reports, the main cast have signed contracts tying to Sex And The City 2, and it’ll be coming out next year. According to Reuters:

Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall and Kristin Davis have signed contracts for a “Sex and the City” movie sequel, movie studio New Line Cinema said on Thursday. New Line said writer-director Michael Patrick King has also signed a contract to write the script for the latest installment of a money-spinning franchise that includes a TV series and a book by Candace Bushnell.

We don’t know about you, but in all honesty we can’t wait for Sex And The City 2. Here’s hoping that the movie clears up the following questions for us:

* Will Sarah Jessica Parker’s face ever complete its slow transformation into an amputee stump?

* How far will the Michael Patrick King manage to utterly ostracise the man who plays Mr Big this time?

* Is Kim Cattrall ever going to realise that her ’sexy’ voice actually sounds like a drunken transvestite stroke victim doing an impression of a ghost?

* Really, what’s the point of the ginger one?

Honestly, we’re on the edge of our bloody seat here.

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We never watched it, but it appears the main plot was bestiality based, as every episode contained 60 solid minutes of different men totally doing a big-nosed horse named Carrie.

Like we said, we never watched it.

Its target audience was perverted middle-aged women. It was so popular it spawned a movie that we think was about Spider-Man riding Carrie in several derbies, claiming swift victories everywhere they went. We never saw that one either.

Well if you loved the TV show, and you loved the movie – then you are totally gonna dig the two pre-teen Carrie-based books that are getting smeared all over Barnes & Noble really soon. That’s right – there are some novels about to come out about Carrie’s sexy adventures in high school.

Chapter one is about a horny janitor. Sorry to ruin plot.

It’s a little known fact that Sex and the City was originally supposed to be entitled ‘Sex with the City,’ but by the time the camera panned back far enough to film the obviously necessary scenes, Carrie looked like a gnat squirming this way and that with no real purpose or direction.

Also we heard she kept getting chaffed by New York’s subway system. These wounds, in turn, got really, really infected and filming got halted like 10 times.

And so was born Sex and the City, the most important piece of television since it was revealed Joe died in a bike crash or something in the Facts of Life made-for-TV reunion movie.

SATC is so popular it’s spawned comic books, look alike pageants, Lego collector sets, video games, breakfast cereals. a well-written movie and most importantly – the social acceptance of women who used to be considered pretty deformed.

It didn’t spawn any of those things. We wish it would though. Seriously – all that crap would be great. It is pushing out a couple of books though. They’ll be all about Carrie Bradshaw kicking it live in high school. These novellas will no doubt be perfect material to read your child as they drift off to sleep.

E! Online reports on the book deal:

“Candace Bushnell is doing her best to milk the cash cow that is Sex and the City completely dry, announcing plans to publish The Carrie Diaries, two young adult novels that will take readers back to the lady Bradshaw’s more formative high school years…”I’ve always been interested in exploring Carrie’s teenage years,” Bushnell [the author & basis for SATC] said. “Carrie in high school did not follow the crowd—she led it. It was there that she began observing and commenting on the social scene.”"

Doesn’t that sound good? Well it will be – we know because we’ve seen a leaked excerpt. We’ll show it to you if you promise not to tell anybody. It’s from chapter 4 in the first book. It details Carrie’s entrance into puberty:

“As Carrie woke her eyes focused on the pink wallpaper across from her bed. She’s seen it everyday for the past three years – yet somehow it looked different. She sat up and realised her boobs had leaked milk all over the inside of her pajama-top for the first time ever. And just like that, she knew she’d never be the same.

“The lactate got on her mattress too.”

We can tell that’s an accurate book-extract because of its spot-on description of a girl’s changing body. That’s really what gives it the air of truth.

You see, Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to be the wholesome tween star of Hannah Montana forever, which is why she’s decided to tell the world about her brilliant new pitch for a TV show. It’s basically Miley Cyrus, right, starring in Sex And The City.

Seriously, that’s what she said. Miley Cyrus wants to make a toned-down, slightly more wholesome version of Sex And The City for children. This is deeply upsetting news indeed – we already had an idea for a show called The Miley Cyrus Over The Sweater Action And Nothing More Until I’m Married Because I Love God Hour, and Miley Cyrus goes and steals it, the 15-year-old bitch.

You might not have noticed, but Miley Cyrus is hell-bent on growing up. Although she’s still only 15 years old – an age where most people are happy to hula hoop in meadows or carry loaves of bread for pensioners – Miley Cyrus just won’t stop trying to assert her adulthood onto everyone.

You can see it in the typically grown-up things that Miley Cyrus has apparently started to do – like smoking, lapdancing, taking part in partially-naked glossy magazine photoshoots, getting in the shower with her clothes on and, possibly most adult of them all, occasionally not wearing seatbelts.

But that’s nothing, because now Miley Cyrus has said that she wants to remake Sex And The City – the graphically sexual show about a bunch of sluts having it off that probably isn’t especially suitable viewing material for 15-year-old girls. Miley told TV Guide:

“I’d love to do a younger, cleaner version of Sex and the City. I like to think of myself as the girl that no one can get, that no one can keep in their hand.”

Way to get loads of 11-year-old girls to watch Sex And The City, Miley. Way to warp their sexual ideals before they’ve even reached puberty. Jeez, why didn’t you just take a full-page advert out in Tween Scene magazine saying “Hi kids, I’m Miley Cyrus and I want you all to go out and buy dildos”? Because that’s basically what you’re doing anyway.

Oh, we’re just kidding – if anything, raising tween awareness of a show that repeatedly features shots of Kim Cattrall’s grisled naked body is going to do more to promote childhood abstinence than almost anything else – but Miley’s decision to remake Sex And The City without the sex is still incredibly troubling.

Why? Because if you remove all traces of sex from Sex And The City, what are you left with? A bunch of ropey-looking old ladies sitting round a table banging on about shoes. And a city. That sounds shit.

At first, we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged.

But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York – otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City – had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again – we’ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.

The creatively titled Sex And The City: The Movie is still showing in a couple of cinemas, sending women into spasms of romance and blokes into blubbering wrecks. Not because Samantha’s plight moved them, but because they’ve realised they’ve blown £15 on a ticket, popcorn and drink. Being dragged round IKEA to look at eco-friendly cutlery is more appealing to your average man.

We won’t bother ruining the plot of Sex And The City for you. We would, but we haven’t seen it so we can’t. It’s not like the end of the last Harry Potter book, where you can flick to the end of the last page and find out that Harry’s whole wizard experience was the result of sniffing too many solvents.

Still, we do know that at the end of the film that the four hags were sitting round a table celebrating Samantha’s 50th and another toasting to the next fifty years. Oh Jesus, the next 50? Urgh, must we?

Give time a chance to catch up with them and we’ll end up getting Sex And The City: Pensioner Edition. With the potential for this franchise to be made right up until 2058, we could be in for some extremely uncomfortable viewing. Do we really want to watch saggy, old women chasing after men with their mobility scooters and walking sticks?

Just remember, it would be like your granny chasing after your best mate. Not a pretty image at all, is it? So why would you pay to see anything as godawful as that? We wouldn’t even inflict that sort of stuff on our enemies.

Unless it’s just us, we can’t really think of many programmes or films that any of the Sex And The City girls have done since the TV show finished. Sarah Jessica Parker got work as a pantomime horse across the country, but apart from that there’s been nothing at all to bring in the money. But, even so, surely one Sex And The City movie is enough for anybody. Not according to HBO bigwig Michael Lombardo. He said:

“We’re really heartened by the fans’ enthusiasm. There is a lot of energy behind doing another SATC movie.”

There you have it! People power has prevailed again and, thanks to thousands of women, another film is in the works. With potentially exciting plots to maybe include Carrie getting her pension book or Samantha defying everything to become the world’s oldest stripper, this film only makes us want to cry into our Frosties.

Still, we’ll just numb the pain by watching a film with car chases and explosions in it. You can never go wrong with those.

Take the Sex and the City movie, for example. Rehashing a series that had finished on TV less than five years previously seemed to hecklerspray as something of a cynical cash-in. And it worked. Did it ever work . So who can blame the struggling execs in tinseltown for turning to another much-loved TV property with a push at converting it for the big screen, even though the topsoil on its grave is still fresh?

Yes, friends, there are rumours they're re-doing Friends. But for now, even though everyone in the world seems to be harping on about it, these rumours are nothing but that. There may be hope yet.

When it comes to barely-even-dead TV shows heading to the big screen there are few occasions when it's a genuinely good idea. The Sex and the City film proved it was a lucrative idea, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one. It does if you're a money-hoarding twit, mind, but if you have any integrity whatsoever it's probably better to leave these projects alone. Let them die, especially when they went on for ten years and tied up every loose end imaginable over the course.

Don't re-open the wounds, don't rehash the same storylines, don't break up the established relationships and don't create new problems from lives that fans of the show have accepted as being 'on course'. Oh, and retroactively: don't give Joey a spin-off. It won't work. hecklerspray feared the worst when rumours popped up earlier this week that all of those sins were about to be committed in one glorious two-hour epic of utterly unbelievable lives, 'being there for yoooou' and Phoebe being a shit character.

But thank crikey if there haven't been two massive wedges of sense in the space of a day – first the tabloid 'zines turn down messr Lohan's approaches to sell the story of the child that may not even be his, and now it would seem that the raping of an only very recently dead TV corpse is to be left alone. For the time being, at least. Matthew Perry – or Chandler, or that one off that cancelled TV show that was quite good, for those who don't know him outside of Friends (i.e. most people, thanks to his stellar movie career) – has a publicist, Lisa Kasteler, and she said these words using her mouth:

"Nothing is happening in this regard, so the rumour is false."

She couldn't have put it better if she tried. Well, she could – she could have swore or something, as we all know swearing is fucking cool. But for 'getting straight to the point' points, she scores high.

But this leaves something of a void in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers. Well, we should say 'more of a void than the normal vacuous space that should resemble the creative part of a human brain in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers'. Without a tried-and-tested formula, what can they do? Come up with something new? Do a sequel? Release the same rom-com again with a different title?

hecklerspray has a suggestion, one that we're willing to give up for free, just this once. It covers the TV-remake base and has genuine potential, as well as being a worthy transition from small to big screen, not just a bloated cash-in.

Arrested Development: The Movie.

Make that and most of your sins for being rubbish bastards will be forgiven.

It’s difficult, isn’t it? So thank your lucky stars that OSOYOU has come up with a nifty little Sex And The City quiz to determine exactly which SATC character you are. Over the course of a handful of multiple choice questions, the quiz will calculate your entire personality and tell you precisely which Sex And The City character you most resemble.

If you want, you can even upload a photo of yourself and then watch a nightmarish half-you, half-SATC creation scream a winning message at you. Be warned, though, you should probably only do that last bit if you don’t mind feeling a bit weird about yourself for a couple of weeks.

Plus, once you’ve completed the quiz you can enter into a free draw to attend a celebrity screening of Sex And The City and get your hands on a Sex And The City desktop wallpaper. You can’t really say fairer than that.

Turns out we’re Miranda, by the way. We’re pretty sure that’s the booby-prize.

Read more:

Sex And The City quiz – OSOYOU

And that’s this – after seeing the overlong exploits of some weird-looking women who’ve developed bizarre shoe fixations to distract them from the endlessly bleak landmark-free waltz to their unhappy deaths, how can you dress more like the Sex And The City girls?

OSOYOU has the answer. And it’s a real answer, too, not like the cobblers we’d have probably told you – they’ve picked out costumes from the Sex And The City movie and found the nearest High Street equivalent. If you’re really that obsessed about looking like the middle-aged borderline alcoholics that you just saw in a film, then it’s probably quite invaluable.

Or, if that’s too much of a faff you can just do what Sarah Jessica Parker has done in the picture and punch the shit out of a tree elf until it gives you its clothes. Whichever’s easiest, really.

Read more:

The killer Sex and the City dresses and how to get the look! - OSOYOU

You guessed it – Sex And The City is number one at the weekend box office this week, edging Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull into second place. Which, we think, makes overlong dull-as-cocks shoe-based babbling the new man-eating ants. Or something. Oh, we don’t care.

Anyway, Sex And The City is the weekend box office number one and, while it didn’t break any traditional records as such, it is thought to hold the prize for the amount of times that the three men who were henpecked into seeing it managed to murmur “kill me” to themselves during its duration.

Oh Sex And The City, the world would be such a different place if you never even existed. We wouldn’t have to put up with groups of women fooling themselves that they’re being sophisticated because they drink a lot and dress inappropriately and loudly talk about all the sex they’ve invented because they’re not actually getting any but are so dementedly hell-bent on fitting into the narrow pigeonhole created for them by a TV show about people who don’t even exist that they’d rather admit to exploding drug-resistant genital warts than a temporary period of enforced celibacy.

So it’s no surprise that, after what seems like about a fortnight since the Sex And The City TV show ended, the Sex And The City movie has rushed to the top of the US weekend box office. And no wonder – the Sex And The City movie has all the fun of the Sex And The City TV show, except it’s five times longer, has far less sex in it and everyone involved appears to have aged so dramatically that it mas as well be called You Will All Die Soon, Accessory-Obsessed Females. Um, In The City. Here’s this week’s US weekend box office top five…

1 - Sex And The City (Hey boys, we hear that around 95% of all audiences for Sex And The City are female, so going to see it is a great way to meet women. True, they’ll all be haggy old needy women desperately trying to look independent because it stops everyone asking them why they can’t hold down a marriage. And they’ll have drinking problems and awful cigarette breath. And they’ll cry a lot when they think you’re not looking. But, christ, you’re picking up women in a cinema. It’s not as if you’re very much of a catch yourself, is it? Jesus) $55,740,000

2 - Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (The exciting precursor to Indiana Jones And The Holy Crap Are You Seriously Expecting Us To Go And See It When Shia LaBeouf’s Playing The Lead Dear God We’d Rather Shit Out Our Spine And Then Blind Ourselves With It) $46,000,000

3 - The Strangers (So basically Liv Tyler gets stabbed almost to death by some freaky people in masks. That’s technically not a spoiler because the only peple who’d go and see this are too stupid to know how to read) $20,707,000

4 - Iron Man (Five weeks in and still in the US weekend box office top five? Great job, Iron Man – keep it up and you’ll be as successful as Baby Mama) $14,000,000

5 – The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian (The disappointing performance and woeful reviews of Prince Caspian means that this could be the final Narnia movie – a crippling blow to anyone who was excited about seeing the adaptation of the book that’s mainly about a monkey playing a joke on a donkey) $13,016,000

Folded:

• Track-a-partner.com (find out if your partner is cheating on you by tracking their mobile phone signal)

• Sex and the City: The Movie (the ladies are still muttony mutton, but the film is surprisingly OK)

• In Bed with Medinner (just been scanning some of this GENIUS television on YouTube. Remember it first time around? It’s got even better with age)

• Bob Mills or ‘Millsy’ (see above - Charlie Brooker is the nearest modern day equivalent for this TV pundit/piss-taker/VHS God, but as good as he is, Millsy will always reign supreme. Myfanwy anyone?

• Schweine by Glukoza (as featured in GTA IV. Notwithstanding any political connotations, this is a crackling comedy toe-tapper. A Google image search for Glukoza turned up some promising results too)

Creased:

• The Tube – Underground (doesn’t get any better, does it?)

• American Dad season 3 DVD (not useless, but just seems as though most of the jokes could have been condensed into Family Guy)

• The return of Neil Diamond (some old singers should just stay dead)

• Cheap suitcases (why do we wait for these things to fall apart – usually on our actual journey – until we buy a new one?)

• Brothers and Sisters (geez, this show is more boring than getting your hair cut)

Why? Rather than wanting to spend money on all kinds of stupid trailers and posters and crap, they’ve just sent the Sex And The City stars out to depress all of us with harrowing personal anecdotes until our resolve has been weakened to the extent that we’d actually consider watching the Sex And The City movie, that’s why.

In this edition: Cynthia Nixon, the ginger one from Sex And The City who’s really a lesbian, had breast cancer 18 months ago. Let’s go!

This summer, movies are going to have to battle harder than ever for the hallowed box office number one spot. There’s an Iron Man movie, a Batman movie, an Incredible Hulk movie, an Indiana Jones movie, a Narnia movie, a Star Wars movie and all manner of other movies shouting to be heard above the din.

But the Sex And The City movie doesn’t have that problem. Sex And The City has fought the promotional war on three fronts so far. First came the stunt casting, with Jennifer Hudson and the mayor of New York all signing up for extended cameos. Then came all the ‘leaked’ photos from the Sex And The City set. But that was just the beginning.

Because hidden up Sex And The City’s sleeve was a promotional device so fiendish that we’re surprised nobody has tried it first – all the Sex And The City stars started to divulge their innermost secrets, however shameful or embarrassing they are. For starters Sarah Jessica Parker revealed how upset she was when she was called the world’s ugliest woman, and then that was swiftly followed up by the Kristin Davis sex photos. Hard to beat, huh?

Not a jot, because Cynthia Nixon – who plays Miranda in Sex And The City – has just announced that she had treatment for breast cancer recently. And, as we all know, cancer beats both nudity and odd facial dimensions by quite a margin.

Cynthia Nixon revealed her cancer story to Nightline, as BBC News reports:

“I didn’t want paparazzi at the hospital while I was going through this,” said Nixon, who said that one of the few people she shared the news with was partner Christine Marinoni. The 42-year-old told the ABC network programme that she felt a diagnosis of breast cancer was likely as her mother had suffered from the disease. “I felt scared. I thought, ‘Oh, I don’t want this to be happening’. I was very cognisant of if it’s going to happen, this is the best way for it to happen, that it’s found so early and we can just get right on it,” said Nixon.

As horrible as going through a scare like that sounds, Cynthia Nixon apparently responded well to the course of radiotherapy and surgery that comprised her breast cancer treatment, and she’s fighting fit once again.

So with Sarah Jessica Parker, Kristin Davis and now Cynthia Nixon relieving themselves of their darkest secrets, that just leaves Kim Cattrall. Kim’s kind of left it a bit late – if she’d have jumped in earlier she could have said any old crap about herself and it would have done, but now she’s let Cynthia Nixon jump in ahead of her, she has to top cancer.

The big question is, can she do it? We’re not sure she can, not unless she used to keep slaves and had a side job as a back-street abortionist that she can tell us about.

Let’s just pray that she did, for the Sex And The City movie is counting on it.

Read more:

Nixon reveals secret cancer fight – BBC

You know, Kristin Davis. The uppity one from Sex And The City. There's a Kristin Davis sex tape. And there's not even a second of 1980s power-ballad in there at all. Take that, Simmons.

Except, wait, buckle your belt back up – Kristin Davis says that the Kristin Davis sex tape is a phony. That's not her in the sex tape gobbling on a man's genitals or in the accompanying pictures sitting on a toilet with her minge sticking out, Kristin says. She only knows because in the real Kristin Davis sex tape she's wearing a pony saddle, a pair of safety goggles and is covered head-to-toe in bacon. We heard.

Of all the stars of Sex And The City, Kristin Davis is the one you'd hope made a sex tape. A Kim Cattrall sex tape would be largely pointless because she's such a slag on the TV show, a Cynthia Nixon sex tape would be weird because – although a lesbian – she's also fiercely ginger, and we daren't even contemplate a Sarah Jessica Parker sex tape. Bleurgh.

So a Kristin Davis sex tape it is, not just because of a strange, freshly-invented default system but also because she's the most beautiful woman in the world. So imagine everyone's delight yesterday, then, when what was claimed to be a Kristin Davis sex tape and set of explicit photographs were found all over the internet.

Truly, it was the lucky strike of celebrity internet sex tapes – less nauseating than the Gene Simmons sex tape, less emotionally troubling than the Screech from Saved By The Bell sex tape and less hopelessly obscure than the Kim Kardashian sex tape, the Kristin Davis sex tape featured a pretty girl who you'd never expect to be filthy doing nasty things to a man. Perfect.

Except that, as far as she's concerned, the Kristin Davis sex tape is more of a Meg White-style fake sex tape. She's denied the whole bloody thing. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

"Sex and the City" actress Kristin Davis has laughed off reports she is the star of an Internet sex tape, according to TMZ.com. Pictures have swept the Internet, appearing to show the clean-cut 43-year-old engaging in a sex act, with the promise of an explicit tape. But Davis' representative insists, "This is not a photo of Kristin Davis. There is no sex tape."

You'd think that a simple denial would clear everything up, but it hasn't. Other reports are saying that the Kristin Davis sex tape is fake but the pictures are absolutely real and taken in 1992 by an ex-boyfriend. Which could be true. The naked Kristin Davis photos are here for you to decide how real they are, but be warned – not only is the link not safe for work, it will also lead to images containing more public hair that you'll have ever seen, unless you've ever had a job sweeping up at a Russian bikini wax salon in the late eighties.  

We have to admit that the timing of the Kristin Davis sex tape and naked photos is a little suspect. In the next few months, the Sex And The City movie is being released, and suddenly we see some candid photos of one of its stars having sex? What if this is some form of unconventional marketing campaign?

Lord, we hope not – if it is, then the Sarah Jessica Parker sex tape can only be weeks away. We're going to avoid eating any solids until the film's released as a precaution.

Read more:

Davis Denies Sex Tape Reports – SF Chronicle 

But it turns out that the Sex And The City movie will see another sex-obsessed harlot joining Horsey McGee and her horny middle-aged friends for their life of sipping overpriced cocktails in swanky bars full of insufferable tits and cracking onto men young enough to be their great-grandchildren – it's Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York! It's been announced that Michael Bloomberg has scored a role in the Sex And The City movie and, although nobody knows what he'll be starring as yet, early odds are that he'll be one of Kim Cattrall's dildos.

That joke could be counted as political satire if we had the first clue about anything to do with Michael Bloomberg, you know. 

We know it's a little unfair to judge a film that hasn't even finished being made yet, but we'd like to point out that there is literally no way on the face of the earth that we're going to go and watch the Sex And The City movie when it's released, for a few reasons.

Firstly, the adverts for Sarah Jessica Parker's new perfume make us want to bludgeon ourselves to death, and if 15 seconds of seeing her on a smallish TV set makes us feel like that then we hate to think what effect two hours of seeing her peculiarly equine face blown up onto a giant screen will have on us. Secondly, security on the Sex And The City set is so weak that you can't even open a newspaper any more without seeing every single one of its plot points revealed accompanied by a picture of Cynthia Nixon in a funny hat.

Thirdly, Sex And The City is a TV show, and we're not sure that the material is there to make it into a decent movie experience – although we're willing to reverse our decision on this one if it turns out that Sex And The City is actually going to be about Kim Cattrall saving the world from a collision with a giant asteroid by catching it in her fanny and blasting it back into space like some sort of disgusting Thai ping-pong girl. 

But you know what would make us go and see Sex And The City when it comes out in cinemas next year? All manner of pointless, severely-localised cameos that get shoehorned in to make up for the absence of an actual story, that's what! Jennifer Hudson from Dreamgirls is already down for a small Sex And The City role, but that's hardly enough.

Which is why we were thrilled to pieces to hear that New York mayor Michael Bloomberg has found himself a spot in the Sex And The City movie. Details on exactly what Michael Bloomberg will do in the movie are a little vague at the moment, but his spokesman Stu Loeser has confirmed that the mayor is due to film a scene for the movie in Manhattan's Bryant Park shortly.

While it'd be nice to think that Michael Bloomberg will be in Sex And The City as Sarah Jessica Parker's rival columnist who always starts his articles with lines like "You know, unilaterally setting aside billions of dollars for a city-retirees' health fund to stabilise unfunded future pension costs owed to city workers is a lot like doing it with a man," it's actually much more likely that he'll be on-screen for two seconds in which all he'll manage is one awkward smile.

But that's never stopped Richard Branson, has it?