Why? Because it’s been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he’s trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won’t have to think “Wait a minute, aren’t you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?”

This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved – David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won’t have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone’s a winner.

Women don’t appreciate anything, do they? Buy them underwear and they’ll tell you that crotchless PVC is actually quite uncomfortable. Buy them flowers and they’ll accuse you of knowing that they have a deadly pollen allergy. Go to sex addiction rehab to stop your uncontrollable feelings of arousal and they’ll leave you.

The latter is the exact scenario that David Duchovny finds himself in today. Either because he does nothing but wank all day or because he occasionally has extramarital sex, David Duchovny last month checked himself into sex addiction rehab to try and save his marriage. Did it work?

No. No it didn’t. Realising that even a cured sex addict is probably only one bumpy bus journey away from a disgusting globby relapse, Tea Leoni has done the sensible thing and ditched David Duchovny. A joint statement from the couple reads:

“In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months. The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children.”

Several months? At least now we know why David Duchovny might have gone to sex addiction rehab in the first place – we’re presuming that it was either as a last-ditch effort to win his estranged wife back, or it was because he was single and he realised that the best place to find a string of sexual partners with suitably low self-esteem was at a live-in sex addiction treatment clinic.

Either way, we maintain that this split is the best solution for everyone. David Duchovny can now act upon the raging mid-life crisis that he’s obviously in the throes of, and Tea Leoni can go and find a new man who’ll never put her through the same trauma. So a eunuch or something. We don’t really know how this works.

By the way, we should probably just clear one thing up. Given that David Duchovny went to sex addiction rehab at roughly the same time that his marriage imploded, you’d be forgiven for thinking that his sex addiction was the cause for the break-up of his marriage to Tea Leoni. It wasn’t.

Instead Tea Leoni left him because she thought The X-Files: I Want To Believe was crap. Well, you would too, wouldn’t you.

But relax, because now comes the news we’ve all been waiting for – David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido.

It still hasn’t been made clear what form David Duchovny’s sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he’s had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won’t be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that’s for sure.

It’s easy to mock David Duchovny for his sex addiction, but that’s only because we don’t know the pain that a sex addiction can cause. Imagine it – a constant string of guilt-free casual sex with hundreds of willing young girls hypnotised by your fame and wealth. God, that sounds bloody terrible. If that was us we’d probably shoot our own face off.

And this living nightmare is precisely why David Duchovny sought treatment for his sex addiction. Well, that or because his wife either found him having sex with another woman or slapping his little acorn until it blistered to a fanny-coloured pixel-orgy on the internet.

Whatever the cause, David Duchovny has essentially given the world a mental image of his bright-red screwed-up face bearing down a couple of inches away from a girl’s face while his bottom pumps away at her like a horrible slappy flesh machine, and for that he owes us all a heavy debt.

But that’s all in the past. The old sweaty-nippled cock monster David Duchovny, the one who couldn’t pass a girl in the street without hammering his foot on the ground until steam came out of his ears, has been replaced by a new David Duchovny – one who may as well be a monk or something. Reuters reports:

In a statement on Monday, [Duchovny's attorney] Stanton said Duchovny “has successfully completed rehabilitation. He is out and will very soon begin work on his new movie,” Stanton said. Stein declined to say where the actor had been treated or when he left the center.

Phew. This is certainly good news for everyone involved. Duchovny’s wife Tea Leoni has reigned in her husband’s worst excesses, David Duchovny’s future co-stars can go to work knowing that they’ll never have their concentration broken by the sight of a middle-aged man trying to hammer his erect penis through the letterbox in their trailer, and – best of all – David Duchovny gets to transfer his addictive personality onto something less harmful, like heroin or infanticide.

God knows where this leaves Californication, though. Surely starring in a TV show about a renowned sex addict will only hinder David Duchovny’s continued recovery. Maybe David should think about making a new show that better reflects his current situation – maybe, say, one about a frustrated writer who can’t walk down the street without everyone around him collapsing in fits of laughter because he can’t control his funny little todger.

With the help of his strangely attractive assistant Scully, they often found themselves in all sorts of situations where trees ate traffic lights and dolls controlled entire villages.

Once the show ended, the duo failed to appear in any sort of credible TV show. Gillian Anderson even lowered herself to star in a film with cockney bellend Danny Dyer. But David Duchovny literally dropped off the radar altogether. He hadn’t died, though; instead he turned all his attention to having lots of sex. So much that he is now officially addicted to it. Instead of placing a thin line of cement over his spitting cobra, he decided that rehab was a better option to solve his problem. And now it turns out that ‘rehab’ at least partially involves reading Russell Brand’s book.

It’s never quite clear how being addicted to all things sexual affects a person. While most people enjoy the odd hump with a partner now and then, we can only assume that David Duchovny likes to go at it until his winky gets red raw and starts spraying out blood. Still, more power to him for fighting through the pain barrier.

You’d have thought that because David Duchovny is a famous person, he would have turned to either a major religion or Scientology for help. Surely a friendly Catholic nun could have taught him some new ways to stop him blowing his load. Just be glad he didn’t ask any Catholic priests about solving his problem, because they could have only made the situation worse.

Oddly enough Duchovny has turned to Russell Brand’s oddly written and appallingly-titled autobiography My Booky Wook for guidance and solutions on how to stop becoming aroused at the faintest sight of boob. Russell Brand is thankfully in foreign shores at the moment to promote himself and break into the lucrative American market.

Brand is doing a sterling job at it so far, since he recently got to star in an advert with something everyone dreams of interacting with. An elephant and then Britney Spears. It must have been his lucky day. This was all because he presented the MTV Video Awards and spent the whole evening insulting Americans and their choice of political leader. He may look like a fashionable tramp, but we applaud him on that one.

The only thing that really connects David Duchovny and Russell Brand is their love of muff. Spending thousands of dollars on rehab mustn’t have worked for Duchovny, because he’s apparently spent a small amount on Brand’s book detailing his addiction to ladies’ downstairs areas. Digital Spy reports:

“David has been greedily devouring Russell’s pieces on the topic in his autobiography My Booky Wook, his interviews, podcasts and stand-up routines.”

Hopefully David is on the road to recovery. Though God knows how you can be cured of his particular problem. Chopping his willy off would prevent him from ever going like a rabbit at 100mph, but then how would you take a wee wee?

Maybe limiting his shagging to 13 times a night would be a better option. Everyone kind of wins that way. His wife won’t be constantly gasping for air, condom manufacturers will continue to see profits rise and David can keep on doing what he enjoys best. And that’s not making crap spin-off films for an old TV show.

Unless, it appears, you’re David Duchovny. Although he’s currently being treated for sex addiction in what we expect to be the stickiest, smelliest rehab facility in the world, a friend of David Duchovny has come forward to point out that at no point did David ever cheat on his wife with another woman. That means, scientifically, that either David Duchovny did a bunch of rude things with vegetables or… or…

Or David Duchovny is addicted to having sex with his own wife. The bloody pervert. Castration’s too good for him. David Duchovny, you’re a big fat embarrassment to mankind.

OK, now we feel bad. Last week, when we reported that David Duchovny was a sex addict, we took precisely the wrong tone with him. You see, we assumed that David Duchovny was addicted to having sex with loads of different women. Sadly that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Reports are now suggesting that David Duchovny has always managed to remain faithful to his wife Tea Leoni. Like this one, from Fox News:

Duchovny did not check in because of an extramarital fling. That much the friend is certain of. Even more so: Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Tea Leoni, was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.

Yes, that’s right – David Duchovny has all the guilt and earache of a sex addict, but none of the spine-tingling pleasure that comes from having the promiscuous sexual appetite of a voracious sex addict. In short, David Duchovny genuinely couldn’t have it any worse than he has now.

Plus, just for good luck, now the whole world knows what a dirty little bastard David Duchovny really is. Dirty boy, David Duchovny. Dirty boy. I Want To Believe? I Want To Believe You’re Not Secretly Tugging Yourself Off Everytime You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets, more like. Dirty boy. Urgh.

Anyway, what the Fox reports implies is that David Duchovny has an addiction to internet porn. If this is true then that’s even more tragic – rather than a sex addiction, Duchovny has an addiction to looking at some jiggly pixels shaped liked tits and then joylessly wiping the manmuck off his belly with a Kleenex a couple of minutes afterwards. That’s much less fun – and think of his carbon footprint, too.

If any of this sounds familiar then it’s probably because of Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband Peter Cook, who was found to spend $3,000 a month on internet porn. Maybe David Duchovny and Peter Cook should meet up, because they’d probably be able to provide help and support to each other during their difficult recoveries.

Or they’d just spend hours discussing whether it’s better to jizz in your pants to a video of lesbian Asian schoolgirls or a live webcam of a pregnant midget fingering herself. Either way, they should probably avoid shaking hands with each other first time they meet.

But, no, maybe it’s best that David Duchovny continues with his traditional sex addiction rehab course. We’re not sure what that entails, obviously – we’re assuming a burly nurse with an electric cattle prod waggles some copies of Hot Jug Housewives around and dares you to have a wank, but that’s just a guess.

Dirty boy, Duchovny. Urgh.