settlement - HecklerSpray

Dennis Quaid’s Nearly-Dead Babies Make Him Really Flipping Rich

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When Dennis Quaid’s newborn twins almost died from a massive blood-thinner overdose last year, it must have been horrific.

And you can’t put a price on emotional trauma like that – not knowing whether your own children are going to live or di… what’s that? You can put a price on emotional trauma like that? And that price is $750,000? Sweet!

Dennis Quaid’s family has reached a settlement of $750,000 against the hospital where his children almost died. And they were just tiny children – imagine how much we’d get if we almost died in a nightmarish medication mix up! To the hospital! It’s label-swapping time!

Madonna Divorce Settlement: Considerably Stingier Than Assumed

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she’s so lovely?

Yeah, she’s not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn’t dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money.

However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they’re happy with the divorce settlement – Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn’t have a wife who looks like a pensioner’s scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.

Madonna Gives Guy Ritchie A Dirty Great Pile Of Divorce Cash

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn’t about the money – definitely, definitely not.

It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn’t feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn’t divorce Madonna for the money.

Except now Guy Ritchie’s divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It’s so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!

Relax London, Michael Jackson Isn’t Coming Any More

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We know, we know. London, this was supposed to be your big day – the day when Michael Jackson plunged into financial ruin on your doorstep.

But we’re sorry to say that it won’t be happening any more. Michael Jackson was due to show up at the High Court today to argue his case in the big ‘a sheikh gave Michael Jackson millions of dollars to sing his songs and Michael Jackson couldn’t be bothered so he’s being sued’ lawsuit. But now he won’t because, shame of shames, a settlement has been reached.

Now, we’re not exactly sure what this settlement involves, but one thing’s for sure – it had better involve Michael Jackson singing those songs that the sheikh wrote. If we have to go one more year without hearing future classics like That’s What Siddiqui Are For and Yummy Yummy Yummy I’ve Got Labaneh In My Tummy then we just don’t know what we’ll do.

A-Rod Settles His Divorce, Which Is No Fun At All

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hands up who wanted the Alex Rodriguez dissolve into pointless messy public accusations and talk of sordid sex with Madonna – oh, right, you all did.

Well tough luck, because Alex Rodriguez doesn’t care about what you want at all. In fact, Alex Rodriguez hates you so much that rather than drag the divorce from his estranged with Cynthia out for months and months of hateful squabbling, he’s decided to quickly and privately reach a confidential settlement with her instead. The great big tosspot.

Still, at least now that Alex Rodriguez is properly divorced he’s free to chase after his soulmate Madonna. Or, if Madonna still hasn’t left Guy Ritchie yet, the nearest alternative – the wizened old lady who lives near him and sits on the park bench playing with herself all day. Go hit that, A-Rod.

Britney Spears Unironically Hands Kevin Federline Sole Custody

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Nobody was ever really going to win the custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, especially not the kids.

But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it’s not particularly great news for Britney Spears – Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that’s hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons – all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like ‘Cornrows make you look cool’ or ‘Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun’. Poor Britney won’t even have a chance to hug them.

Christie Brinkley Divorce: The War Is Sort Of Over

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The divorce between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook has finally come to an end – and best of all, everyone’s won!

According to reports, lawyers for both Christie Brinkley were thrashing out a divorce settlement until 6:15 this morning, and everyone’s got what they wanted. On the surface of things, Christie Brinkley has come out on top – she’s keeping sole custody of her kids.

You’d think that Peter Cook would be disappointed to discover that he’s never going to be able to spend any quality time with his own children for the rest of his life, but that’s not the case either – Christie Brinkley has to pay him $2.1 million. That’s enough money to keep him in porn for 58.3 years! And, as we all know, porn wins over kids every time.

David Hasselhoff Divorce: Don’t Worry, He Gets The Hoff

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

David Hasselhoff divorce from Pamela Bach is finally complete and, although it’s a stark reminder that he’s ultimately a tragic failure, it’s not all bad.

That’s because David Hasselhoff got to keep the thing he most treasures in the divorce settlement – his name. Or, specifically, use of the phrases ‘The Hoff’ and ‘Don’t Hassel The Hoff’. Honestly, we’re not making this up. Furthermore David Hasselhoff gets to keep the intellectual property rights to a potential TV show called Tales Of The Hoff.

Sometimes a story comes along that doesn’t need jokes to be funny. We think this might be one of them. Oh, and David Hasselhoff also gets to keep the elephant foot, too. We promise all this is true.

Judge To Choose How Much McCartney Money Heather Mills Gets

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce was a movie villain, it'd be one of those invincible ones that doesn't die even when you've smacked its face in with the back of a shovel 50 times.

After a week at the High Court failing to thrash out a deal in private, the judge presiding over the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce has decided to take things into his own hands and will decide how much cash Heather Mills gets himself.

And then, in a month, that'll be it – Paul McCartney will be divorced from Heather Mills. Unless Heather Mills decides she doesn't like the decision and drags it out through the Court Of Appeals and the House Of Lords for months and months, of course. Which, let's face it, she probably will.

David Hasselhoff Finally Sorts Out His Divorce

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

David Hasselhoff is no stranger to washing his dirty linen in public, but that's probably because he made it dirty by either wetting himself or belching up globs of half-chewed hamburger down it.

And David Hasselhoff's pretty swell at idiomatically washing his dirty linen in public, too – just look at the endless public squabbling between David Hasselhoff and his ex-wife Pamela Bach during and after their divorce. However, the good news is that Hasselhoff and Bach have finally reached a settlement about their post-divorce battle over their money and children. Great news for the Hasselhoff children – this settlement means they can now play their parents off each other for material gain instead of just standing around filming David Hasselhoff rolling around the floor gurgling and pushing clumps of fast food into the side of his head because that's where he thinks his mouth is.