There was never any spontaneous singing though – and a good thing too, because that would have been super gay – like East High gay. Speaking of which – you know how there’s been a pleasant calm in the world since everyone everywhere knows the cast graduated, and so can’t make any more sequels?

Well no more – Disney has just committed to HSM4.

Well Disney’s just signed on to make High School Musical 4 – but don’t worry because they know that the three they’ve already delivered have been largely regarded as unacceptable by anyone who’s not a blind or deaf woman.

To resolve this issue the next instalment is going to be sci-fi and set one billion years in the future. Everyone will still sing, but the song topics will revolve around how the sun is expanding into a red giant, and how are the kids gonna save their gymnasium from getting swallowed by it. The gym, incidentally, is where they took state like 1000 years in a row. That’s why they’re all so attached.

Don’t expect to see Vanessa Hudgens in a skin-tight, tin foil space suit though – the cast will be all new. Also don’t actually expect to see outer space at all. What you can expect is this – we peeled it off of Reuters:

“Walt Disney Co’s teen hit franchise “High School Musical” is coming back for a fourth time — but with a new cast of characters, the company said on Tuesday. “High School Musical 4″ will debut on the Disney Channel in 2010 — marking a return to its original cable home after the third instalment danced into movie theaters in 2008. Disney Channel said in a statement the story would feature a music- and dance-filled love triangle set against cross-town rivalry between fictional high schools in Albuquerque, N.M.”

Notice any talk of laser swords and space monsters is conspicuously absent. That’s pretty lame if you ask us. Still though – the script can’t be finalized yet. Lets throw some donkeys with jet-packs in there or something. They could maybe be on a quest to save their robot queen – that plot would really write itself.

Just do it, stupid writers.

Why people even make movies without laser swords, space monsters and jet-packing mules is beyond us. For instance, think of how much better HSM 3 would have been if Troy had to chop everyone at his prom in half real quick because a weird looking lizard beast was hiding inside of a classmate.

Had that been the case, Slumdog Millionaire probably wouldn’t be getting so much press right now.

With that, we think you’ll probably agree.

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But because of all the pre-release hype surrounding Terminator Salvation, it’s almost certainly not going to be the last Terminator film. In fact, according to producers, Terminator 5 is now going to be rushed into cinemas by summer 2011.

Apparently to be set in the Middle East, Terminator 5 will revolve around the time when John Connor got a nasty scratch from some robot shrapnel and looked for treatment. It’ll be called Terminator Savlon. Sorry.

Terminator Salvation isn’t being released until the middle of next year, but already the hype onslaught has started. There are rumours that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be a Terminator in it, and that Christian Bale will become a Terminator at the end of it and that if anyone so much as mentions Terminator 3 or that bit from The Sarah Connor Chronicles with the toilet that turned into a Terminator who looked just like the singer from Garbage in it, they’ll be crushed.

Trouble is, though, at the moment Terminator Salvation looks rubbish.

Judging from the Terminator Salvation trailer – which is supposedly a collection of all the best bits from the movie – Christian Bale’s still doing his ridiculous indecipherable Batman growl and there’s a metal Cloverfield monster running about the place going apeshit at everyone. Worse still, we get the feeling that there won’t even be a naked Austrian cyborg from the future demanding that a truck driver lends him his trousers. And, after all, isn’t that what the Terminator movies are about?

But anyway, even if Terminator Salvation turns out to be an embarrassing mess it doesn’t matter – because according to Halcyon Co bigwigs Derek Anderson and Victor Kubicek, Terminator 5 is already in the works. Variety reports:

The duo had originally planned to wait until the release of “Terminator Salvation” next summer before deciding on whether to proceed with the next chapter, but the positive studio, fan and media reaction to footage from the current pic has encouraged them to move forward ahead of schedule. “We feel the time is now to start shaping the next part of this,” Kubicek said.

That makes such good business sense – strike while the iron is hot. Hot and unfinished. Hot and unfinished and possibly a bit crap. There’s literally nothing that could go wrong with this plan whatsoever.

Apart from the fact that, you know, by announcing that there’s going to be a Terminator 5 before Terminator 4 has even been released it’s perfectly clear to everyone that John Connor won’t beat the Terminators for another film or two so it’s not really worth paying to go and see this one. But apart from that, it’s a genius plan.

In fact, it seems a bit pointless calling the new film Terminator Salvation at all, now that we know nothing will be salvaged until at least Terminator 5. Perhaps Halcyon will take this onboard – after all, it’s not too late to switch the word ‘Salvation’ for an equally pointless noun in the title. We were thinking maybe Terminator Pianola or Terminator Bum.

Unless, of course, the hidden twist of Terminator Salvation is that all the invincible killing machines are destroyed by the Salvation Army, who march through the post-apocalyptic wasteland blowing up the robots by playing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen on the tuba. If that’s the case we take it back. We take it all back.

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But most of all, the world wants Christopher Nolan. But since this is Christopher Nolan – a man who once made an entire film about Al Pacino being quite sleepy – he isn’t making the Batman 3 talk easy.

Promoting The Dark Knight’s DVD release, Nolan reiterated that the pressure of following such a huge movie might cause him to foul the sequel up. Well, Christopher, that didn’t stop Sam Raimi from making Spider-Man 3, and that was… um, OK, let’s move on.

Although there’s obviously a lot of talk about Heath Ledger at the moment – most notably how his indelible interpretation of The Joker could easily win an Oscar next year – The Dark Knight really only created one star.

No, not Aaron Eckhart – all he did model his face on Posh Spice and do a rubbish Skeletor voice. And not Morgan Freeman, either – regardless of whether he’s playing a technological wizard or a retired child kidnapper he can still only really play Morgan Freeman. And we refuse to take Christian Bale seriously as Batman until someone gives him a bloody Strepsil.

No, the real star of The Dark Knight was Christopher Nolan – not only did he manage to make a superhero movie into a dark, rich, morally ambiguous thriller with a completely noncommercial ending, but he managed to make it more popular than any movie ever barring Titanic. And that takes some doing.

So, while some people are caught up in the trivialities of whether Johnny Depp will play The Riddler in Batman 3 – or whether Cher will play Catwoman – the real question is whether Christopher Nolan wants to direct it or not.

So far Nolan has been fiercely coy on the matter, noting that he hasn’t been signed up to direct Batman 3 and that he didn’t want to go down the traditional route of third superhero movies and write a script that sees the hero turn evil because either a) Richard Pryor accidentally turned a woman into a robot or b) he got sad because Kirsten Dunst danced and cooked eggs at the same time, depending on whether you’ve just watched Superman III or Spider-Man 3.

But that was a few months ago – surely Christopher Nolan has changed his mind about Batman 3 by now! Surely! Surely, USA Today? You know! Tell us what he said, USA Today:

“I wouldn’t want to do one if it weren’t going to be as good as the first or second. That’s not respectful to the fans… It was obvious when the box office was so big that we had underestimated how ready fans were to reboot the franchise. The worst thing you could do now that you’ve gotten the plane back in the air is mess up the landing.”

Oh, you big bloody cocktease, Nolan. You know as well as anyone that The Dark Knight was such a huge success that Batman 3 is going to happen regardless of whether you make Batman 3 and follow the series through to the graceful, elegant conclusion you’ve envisioned for it or whether Warner Brothers gets Schumacher back onboard to give everyone giant nylon codpieces and a script that’s 98% pun. Which one would you prefer?

We can see right through Christopher Nolan’s little plan here. The more he appears to wring his hands about Batman 3, the more people like us will clamour for him to make it. And then, when Christoper Nolan ends up making Batman 3 into a gigantic dogturd that climaxes with Christian Bale kissing Cher with tongues inside a helicopter flying away from a burning building, he can look back and say that it was all our fault. Which it will be. Arse.

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It happened with The Blair With Project, and now it’s probably going to be happening with Cloverfield too, so long as the director can get his act together. Almost a year after it was greenlit, Cloverfield director Matt Reeves still hasn’t made is mind up about what to do with Cloverfield 2.

Don’t get him wrong, he has ideas about Cloverfield 2, he just doesn’t know where to set it. Or who’ll star in it. Or when it’ll take place. Or what’ll happen in it. Or if he’ll direct it or not. But, seriously, once Matt Reeves has those details down, Cloverfield 2 is going to be excellent. Or rubbish. Or somewhere between those two.

We don’t know about you, but we’re really excited about the prospect of Cloverfield 2 – especially if it’s about the same monster attack, but compiled from sources that weren’t seen in the orginal movie. That way we’ll get to see the effects of a giant squid rampaging through New York from the perspective of people who aren’t insufferably smug cocknozzles, and that would be quite nice.

But, although that’s what was discussed when Cloverfield 2 was first mooted, it might not be what’ll happen in the movie. And that’s because nobody seems to have the first clue about what Cloverfield 2 will even be about. Not even Cloverfield director Matt Reeves.

And this isn’t some hokey Christopher Nolan manouvre to stall the inevitable and hold out for more money for the sequel – Matt Reeves genuinely doesn’t seem to have a clue what he’s going to do with Cloverfield 2. MTV reports:

Reeves says that talks have been frequent if sporadic over the last nine months. “At times it’s gone dormant and then its come back up again,” Reeves says of the brainstorming over a sequel. “There are a couple ideas that have potential but we haven’t quite cracked it yet… When we were in Japan we thought, wouldn’t it be cool to do it here,” he said.

So Cloverfield 2 might be set in Japan, might be set at the same time as the original movie and might be directed by someone other than Matt Reeves, but might not be. You know what? We’re worried that Cloverfield 2 is never going to happen because everyone involved is too busy sitting around with their thumb up their arse. So, to hurry things along here, we’ve drawn up a list of potential Cloverfield 2 plots, which Matt Reeves can use completely free of charge:

1 - Cloverfield 2 is set in a military base at the time of the attacks, and consists of nothing but a cigar-chomping US general’s face getting redder and redder for two hours.

2 - Set Cloverfield 2 at the same time as the original, but on the set of a porn film at the top of a skyscraper. That way you have perspective across the city, a means to film the attack, and boobies.

3 - Hire Matthew Broderick to play a reporter in Cloverfield 2. That way you can just film a couple of minutes of footage and edit it Godzilla and hope nobody notices.

4 - Cloverfield 2 is set at the same time as the original attack, but thousands of miles away at a dinner party in Surrey where everyone is completely oblivious to it because they’re all having awkward, slightly drunk conversations with each other.

5 – Set Cloverfield 2 after the monster has been killed, so we can see the parents of Rob and Hud agree that they’re pleased their sons died because they were both douchey hipster wankers.

6 – Cloverfield 2 is actually a prequel where we learn that monster attacked New York because earlier that morning it had a fight with its girlfriend because she used all the hot water in the shower again.

7 - Anything. Cloverfield 2 can be about anything. Just, please, stop shaking the sodding camera around so much. We really don’t want to go home from the cinema wiping someone else’s vomit from the back of our heads again.

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Well, technically it isn’t your lucky day at all, because if you still don’t think that 94 episodes of Sex And The City and one entire feature-length Sex And The City movie have fully satisfied you, then chances are you qualify as being medically mentally ill. You should probably get that looked at.

But aside from that, it probably is your lucky day a bit, because Kim Cattrall has declared that Sex And The City 2 is definitely going ahead. Great – presuming it takes three years to make Sex And The City 2, the four main actresses will have a combined age of 192 by the time it’s released. Luckily the writers are taking this into consideration, and the subplot about Sarah Jessica Parker’s vaginal prolapse is thought to be very moving.

Depending on your gender, the summer movie season of 2008 will either be looked back on as the one that finally started to cater for your tastes or the one that made you completely lose the will to live and wish you’d never met your girlfriend.

Between Mamma Mia and Sex And The City, summer blockbusters really started to take notice of women, and they were both huge successes. Luckily, though, they were both one-offs – there won’t be a Mamma Mia sequel because all the good Abba songs were used up in the first one and nobody wants to go a see a musical based around Nina Pretty Ballerina or King Kong Song, and there won’t be a Sex And The City sequel because all the stars are getting old and the thought of them having sex puts all normal people off their food.

Oh, what’s that? There is going to be a Sex And The City 2? Because all the stars think that money is better than dignity? Oh, OK then. MTV reports:

Kim Cattrall, who plays Samantha Jones in the US comedy Sex And The City, says the producers will make another flick. The actress spilled the beans on Channel 4’s Paul O’Grady show In a conversation with Spice Girl Mel B Kim said “Yes there will be a sequel”.

This isn’t exactly a surprise – the Sex And The City movie made so much money this year that people were already babbling about a sequel the second it was released – but now it looks as if it’s official, so we should probably prepare ourselves for yet another onslaught.

You know what we mean. No, we don’t mean another onslaught of marketing where, in the months leading up to Sex And The City 2’s release, every single vaguely female-targeted consumer product will end up being swaddled in pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker’s weird face.

And we don’t mean another onslaught of reports about how much the Sex And The City actresses completely hate each other, either, as fun as they are to read. No, we’re talking about something far more disturbing than that.

If Sex And The City 2 does end up getting made, it probably means that someone will release another barrage of photos of Kristen Davis with a willy plonked in her mouth. We probably shouldn’t eat anything until the movie comes out, just in case.

That’s right – although The Bourne Ultimatum seemed to end with a satisfyingly piece of trilogy closure, you can now be pretty sure it didn’t. Bourne 4 is on the way and there’s nothing anybody can do about it.

Best of all, Bourne 4 will be the first Bourne film not to be based on a Robert Ludlum novel. Phew, finally we won’t have to worry about plot or character development or anything – just endless scenes of Matt Damon jumping across buildings and arbitrarily punching people while being filmed by what appears to be a drunk Parkinson’s sufferer trying to operate a pneumatic drill on a trampoline on a boat in a storm. Perfect.

Probably the most overwhelming thing about the new James Bond movie – other than that it’s boring and a bit crap and it stars a witch – is all the comparisons to the Bourne movies it has received.

No longer is James Bond a charmingly witty man with a jetpack and an invisible car who just happens to be a spy – he’s now just an angry bloke who punches things and jumps across buildings. He’s basically Jason Bourne.

It’s this kind of influence – alongside the fact that every single new action movie has to have at least one Parkour scene in it – that has made the Bourne movies into a sensation and, confusingly, turned Matt Damon into a sex symbol.

Despite only being memorable because it featured a train station we go to a lot and a spectacular set of sideburns, The Bourne Ultimatum was a giant hit at the box office – so much so that Universal has ditched its plan to keep Bourne as a trilogy and instead opted to keep banging the buggers out until the thought of another Bourne movie makes people physically ill. MSNBC reports:

Universal will produce a fourth installment in the popular “The Bourne Identity” franchise. Damon will return as superspy Jason Bourne, and Paul Greengrass (who directed “The Bourne Ultimatum” and “The Bourne Supremacy”) is also on board for the new film. While the previous three “Bourne” movies have been based on the novels by Robert Ludlum, the latest chapter will be an original story.

We don’t envy whoever’s tasked with writing Bourne 4, because the script will somehow need to get around the fact that at the end of The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon uncovered all the secrets of his past, vowed to change and actually said the words “I am no longer Jason Bourne.”

So, in the spirit of fairness, we’d like to share three options that we think could reverse Bourne 4 out of the dead-end it has obviously found itself in…

1) After jumping into the East River at the end of The Bourne Ultimatum, Jason Bourne bangs his head on a fish and loses his memory all over again. Title – The Bourne Misfortune.

2) Even though the conspiracy over his identity reaches all the way to the highest echelons of the US government, Jason Bourne soon finds out that it goes even further, so he travels to heaven to have a shaky-camera fistfight with God. Title – The Bourne Divinity.

3) After saying “I am no longer Jason Bourne” at the end of The Bourne Ultimatum, Jason Bourne realises that, actually, his passport, driving license, bank account, gym membership and National Trust patronage card all bear the name Jason Bourne and decides that he can’t really be arsed to go through all the rigmarole of changing them back to his original name. Title - The Bourne Kerfuffle.

Once again Universal, you’re welcome.

And that was that the Superman Returns Superman was a bit rubbish. As Superman, Brandon Routh had all the charisma of a mannequin with a polystyrene Christopher Reeve head. If anyone was ever silly enough to make a sequel to Superman Returns, then surely they’d do the decent thing and ditch Brandon Routh, right?

Wrong! According to DC Comics President Paul Levitz, Brandon Routh is definitely still on to make the Superman Returns sequel. Although it seems a bit of a wasted opportunity to bring back Brandon Routh, perhaps you can understand Levitz’s rationale once you’ve heard what the new Superman movie is going to be called – Superman Stands Around Unconvincingly. Genius.

2008 has, by and large, been a good year for superhero movies. Iron Man had vim and wit and swagger, The Dark Knight had complex, highbrow sensibilities and a man with a silly gruff voice and The Incredible Hulk had… um. Anyway, it’s a good year for superhero movies.

Unlike 2006. And that’s because 2006 was the year of Superman Returns. Superman Returns was hands down the worst Superman movie ever made and, given that the other Superman movies featured Superman splitting in half, an evil Superman being created out of some hair, a robot with wire for hair and a bearded baddie from another planet who had a face shaped like a shoebox, that’s really saying something.

The things that audiences wanted – like Superman throwing skyscrapers into the sun and eye-lasering petrol stations until they exploded – were completely missing from Superman Returns, and in their place was soppy girl-eyed mimsying, a sort of Superman version of Scrappy Doo and Kate titting Bosworth. Superman Returns was so terrible that, even though it was the sixth-biggest movie of the year, not even the producers seemed keen to make a sequel.

And then, not so long ago, we started to hear murmurs of a ‘reboot’. The Superman Returns writers were ditched, and it seemed as though people wanted to pretend that the movie never happened at all. And that meant getting rid of Brandon Routh.

Oh, you know. Brandon Routh. The chap who played Superman. Tall guy. Giant penis. Zero charisma. Like watching a particularly uninteresting bowl of dust. Oh, you know. Anyway, rumours from a couple of months ago seemed to suggest that Brandon Routh’s rubbish services were no longer required for this Superman reboot, but now we’re hearing differently.

Latino Review spoke to DC Comics President Paul Levitz, and he gave the impression that Brandon Routh is going to be Superman forever! Or at least until the next Superman movie when everyone realises that they didn’t actually like him all along and the movie flops horribly.

In fact, he told me that “Last week Brandon Routh has come around the offices in New York and Los Angeles as of late to talk about Superman and what we want to do”… Brandon? He did say Brandon Routh was coming around talking about Superman! Why the hell would they be talking to Brandon if he was not going to be part of the reboot? Because he’s still in the mix!!!

Actually, we’ve been a bit hard on Brandon Routh here. Maybe if the Superman Returns sequel has a better script and asks him to do more than sit in a tree staring forlornly at Kate titting Bosworth, he’ll be able to deliver more. Besides, if Brandon Routh ever got dropped as Superman, we all know exactly who’d be taking his place.

Shia LaBeouf. And nobody wants that to happen. Unless they’re weird.

You see, Travis Wright is one of the writers of Eagle Eye – the movie that’s top of the American box office despite looking like it was crapped out by a puppy with a gammy tummy – and for his next trick he says he’s working on a script for Blade Runner 2.

Obviously Travis Wright writing a Blade Runner 2 script is a terrible idea. Not because of the important cultural significance of the original or anything, though. No, we’re dead against the idea of Blade Runner 2 for one reason and one reason only – it’ll probably end up having bloody Shia LaBeouf in it, won’t it.

If you were to make a list of films that nobody should ever think about giving a sequel to, Blade Runner would be right at the top, along with The Godfather and James Bond. Blade Runner was an especially singular film; both direct enough to work as an action movie and vague enough for its audience to interpret it however it wanted. The last thing it needs is a sequel.

But tell that to Travis Wright, one of the co-writers of Eagle Eye. According to an email received by Slashfilm, he’s working on a sequel to Blade Runner himself right now:

“I recently attended a Q&A session with one of the writers of ‘Eagle Eye’ after a free screening organized by the magazine Creative Screenwriting. During the Q&A, the writer said that he and whomever it was that helped him co-write the ‘Eagle Eye’ screenplay were in the process of writing a sequel to Blade Runner, and had already contacted the producers of the original, etc.”

Best of all, according to the email, the full title of Wright’s script is Blade Runner 2: Meet The Deckards! and proposes that Eddie Murphy will star as all of Harrison Ford’s extended family.

That’s a lie. Actually the Blade Runner 2 script is still going to be set in 2019, but with Phillip K Dick’s technologically dystopian worldview reduced into something a bit more realistic-seeming to audiences of 2008. To mirror this, during the movie’s climax, when Harrison Ford kills another replicant who looks a bit like Rutger Hauer, the replicant gives this stirring soliloquy:

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. A cat in a shoe on the internet. A drunk man trying to bum a Landrover at lunchtime. A Nintendo Wii. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain…”

That’s a lie as well. In fact, by all accounts it seems as if Blade Runner 2 hasn’t got any sort of studio backing whatsoever, and that Travis Wright is just writing it in the dim hope that someone one day will want to pay for it.

That’s fairly unlikely to happen – not many people are stupid enough to want to sully a classic like Blade Runner with an rashly thought-out sequel – and so the fate of Blade Runner 2 is set.

It’ll be filmed in the woods on someone’s mobile phone and star a couple of blokes from accounts and the HR lady’s sister, the way all good sci-fi sequels should be.

Read more:

Exclusive: Eagle Eye Co-Writers Working on Blade Runner 2 – Slashfilm

The sequel to the Best Film Ever(tm) that has made more money than the GDP of many African nations combined, The Dark Knight, will get a sequel at some point. On one hand, who would blame the studio? It’s a licence to print money. On the same hand but slightly tilted, the vast majority of people who have seen the first two films actually want a sequel, seeing as both Batman Begins and the more recent helping were utterly brilliant.

Oh, plus Christian Bale isn’t going to be put in the slammer for three hundred years, or thereabouts.

But David S. Goyer, writer of the screenplay for both films, has other things to do for quite a while, so you plebians are going to have to wait a while for your next hit of Gotham’s favourite vigilante.

No, it would seem that in the great scheme of things, Goyer has what we sometimes like to call ‘a life outside Batman’. Hard to believe, but true nonetheless. His writing credits stretch far and wide, so as much as you out there in people land want a quick follow up to The Dark Knight, it ain’t gonna happen for a while.

Speaking to MTV, Goyer moved his lips and made some vibrations, which produced sounds of a certain type, conducted in a certain order. On paper, they look like this:

“I’m writing a new version of ‘The Invisible Man’ for Universal. I’m in the process of doing ['Invisible Man'] right now, and I’m working with some conceptual artists in tandem with writing the script. I’m actually working with one of the artists from ‘Batman Begins’ and ‘The Dark Knight.’”

David continued this strange and mystical feat of producing language through his oral cavity, informing MTV of how he saw his version of The Invisible Man taking shape:

“My take is kind of an extrapolation. It actually deals with a nephew of the first character…It involves Scotland Yard getting their hands on the current Invisible Man and basically saying, ‘Wow, you’d be a really good secret agent to send into Imperial Russia right now’. It starts off from there… I don’t want to give too much away, but I took what being invisible could mean to the next logical extreme. We do a lot of crazy things in it that are sort of far beyond what anyone’s done with it yet.”

But it doesn’t stop there – well, his words did, but his career didn’t – with Goyer also in line to write and direct the second installment of X-Men Origins, this one being about everybody’s favourite metal-bending oldie Magneto.

So it would seem that one of the main creative forces behind The Dark Knight won’t be returning to the franchise for a while. That’s okay, we can accept that. In fact, it gives us all the chance to see what happens in the meantime – in the space of a few years we can see how the ‘curse’ of the movie affects the cast and crew. More death? More car crashes? More probably-not-actually-pushing-your-mum?

The possibilities are endless. Well, not literally endless, but there are a lot of possibilities. And hopefully David S Goyer will see sense and dumb down Batman 3, for Robert Downey Jr’s sake.

Just as we say, non-stop, that Hollywood has run out of ideas – reporting on the Goonies sequel, The Smurfs movie (Lindsay Lohan’s role as ‘Big Lesbian Smurf’ still unconfirmed) and the fear we all felt when the Friends movie was rumoured – they come and do it again. This time it’s the turn of Lethal Weapon 5, where they really, really will be too old for this shizzle.

Or they might be too drunk, who knows?

The rumours of a fourth film in the trilogy became a reality in 1998, with the imaginatively titled Lethal Weapon 4 showing most of us Jet Li for the first time – that bit where he dismantles the gun and the bit where he does a ridiculous kick over his head are easily the best ones.

Unlike these days when everything he makes involves him flying through trees with a bamboo cane up his arse for eight hours while the most basic of stories is made out to be the most thought-provoking and intelligent social commentary in a post-modern society to date.

He was good in Lethal Weapon 4 though. One of the few good things about it, actually.

But that’s not going to stop the gravy train now, is it? Oh no – your memories have to be purged for old ideas and your pleasant nostalgia for a series has to be used against you in order to make Lethal Weapon 5 a box office hit. Or at least a box office ‘we made our money back on it’.

The writer of the original Lethal Weapon, Shane Black, has apparently written a script for a new adventure for Riggs and Murtaugh. In one of the most unsurprising plots of all time, the movie will see Riggs, about to quit the force, pull Murtaugh out of retirement to solve one last case. Probably involving Johnny Foreigner somewhere along the way.

There are no definites yet, but Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are apparently in talks to reprise their roles. No word on Chris Rock though, thankfully.

Please don’t let him be in it again – it would be one step too far.

But the questions have to be asked – do you really want to go and watch Danny Glover shout “Riiiiiiiiiggggggggsssssss!” thirty-two times per minute at Mel Gibson? And do you want to see Mel Gibson hate the je… oops… we mean, do you want to see him fix his arm after he’s dislocated it again? Or do you want to see Joe Pesci being even older and even more annoying than ever before?

And does anyone want to see Chris Rock acting, at all, ever?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions, then watch the first two, half watch the third then only pay attention when Jet Li is on the fourth. There you go – satisfaction guaranteed.

No word on any kind of release date, but it can’t be too far in the future. Too old for this shit, and all that.

*Not all of the time. Hush down.

That’s the question that has been buzzing around in our heads for the past few hours after news that there’s a distinct chance that the Goonies 2 film, rumoured for so very long, is actually in the early stages of real, bona-fide production.

And if the sources are to be believed, this isn’t a case of The Lost Boys 2: Straight To DVD And Missing The Point Of The First Completely – this is something Warner Brothers want to actually try and get right.

So how do we feel about that? Well, I would say we have mixed emotions.

See, everyone remembers The Goonies – it’s one of those films that everyone claims as their own, or that everyone claims defined their childhood in some way.

Kind of like Stand By Me, but with less River Phoenix. It just had a huge effect on so many young lives, older lives, middling lives and lives that came about later on – it’s a timeless classic. We’ll admit to that. We will – see? We just did it.

The fact that there have been rumours floating about regarding the possibility of a Goonies sequel for so long is sure to get anyone’s hackles up and turn them into the defensive wall of fury, angrily denying that anything will come about from any of this.

And we would never take that away from you – please feel free to shout, scream and generally be twits in the comments section below.

But when you pick up on news that says Warner Brothers are pushing the sequel as a big-budget blockbuster (and remember, this is the studio that released The Dark Knight, officially the best film ever), you start to take notice.

In fact, a source close to the project has told Moviehole that a team of writers are already working on a script and that some of the actors from the original film will be involved.

So how do we feel about the real prospect of a Goonie sequel? Well, taking such a cherished childhood memory and giving it a massive makeover, bringing the sequel to a whole new audience and churning millions of dollars into it could just result in this situation: you sit in the cinema, the film starts, it’s one and a half hours comprising of nothing but a turd staring back at you, steaming away on screen and stinking up the theatre.

You cry.

Your heart is broken.

Your childhood is ruined.

You lose all respect for Corey Feldman… wait – is that possible?

Nevertheless, hecklerspray awaits with baited breath for any further news on the matter.

When the movie does eventually come about we’ll be sure to decry it, lambast it and generally rip on it. Because let’s be honest here – we want it to be good, but there’s little chance The Goonies 2 will be anything more than fecal matter on a stick.

At first, we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged.

But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York – otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City – had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again – we’ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.

The creatively titled Sex And The City: The Movie is still showing in a couple of cinemas, sending women into spasms of romance and blokes into blubbering wrecks. Not because Samantha’s plight moved them, but because they’ve realised they’ve blown £15 on a ticket, popcorn and drink. Being dragged round IKEA to look at eco-friendly cutlery is more appealing to your average man.

We won’t bother ruining the plot of Sex And The City for you. We would, but we haven’t seen it so we can’t. It’s not like the end of the last Harry Potter book, where you can flick to the end of the last page and find out that Harry’s whole wizard experience was the result of sniffing too many solvents.

Still, we do know that at the end of the film that the four hags were sitting round a table celebrating Samantha’s 50th and another toasting to the next fifty years. Oh Jesus, the next 50? Urgh, must we?

Give time a chance to catch up with them and we’ll end up getting Sex And The City: Pensioner Edition. With the potential for this franchise to be made right up until 2058, we could be in for some extremely uncomfortable viewing. Do we really want to watch saggy, old women chasing after men with their mobility scooters and walking sticks?

Just remember, it would be like your granny chasing after your best mate. Not a pretty image at all, is it? So why would you pay to see anything as godawful as that? We wouldn’t even inflict that sort of stuff on our enemies.

Unless it’s just us, we can’t really think of many programmes or films that any of the Sex And The City girls have done since the TV show finished. Sarah Jessica Parker got work as a pantomime horse across the country, but apart from that there’s been nothing at all to bring in the money. But, even so, surely one Sex And The City movie is enough for anybody. Not according to HBO bigwig Michael Lombardo. He said:

“We’re really heartened by the fans’ enthusiasm. There is a lot of energy behind doing another SATC movie.”

There you have it! People power has prevailed again and, thanks to thousands of women, another film is in the works. With potentially exciting plots to maybe include Carrie getting her pension book or Samantha defying everything to become the world’s oldest stripper, this film only makes us want to cry into our Frosties.

Still, we’ll just numb the pain by watching a film with car chases and explosions in it. You can never go wrong with those.

According to reports, Michael Moore is preparing ground to make a sequel to his 2004 anti-George Bush documentary Fahrenheit 9/11. The new movie has a working title of Fahrenheit 9/11 1/2, although it’s expected that Michael Moore will formally change it to Fahrenheit 9/11: Nyer Nyer Nyer I Was Right All Along Let’s Hear It For Michael Moore I’m The Best I’m The Best nearer the release date.

Anyway, will this new Michael Moore documentary succeed where Fahrenheit 9/11 failed and push George Bush out of office for good? Even better than that – George Bush is going to stop being president about six months before Moore’s film is released. Hooray! Another righteous victory for Michael Moore!

You might think that this is a good time to be Michael Moore what with the impending election and the ongoing Iraq war and whatnot, but it really isn’t. There’s a fairly strong chance that either a woman or a black man will become the next president of America, bringing with them a sweeping agenda of Democrat-based reform. And the second that happens, Michael Moore is effed.

Michael Moore has made a career out of ranting at the American government, about everything from gun control to its lack of universal healthcare to what a shit George Bush is. But if a Democrat is elected president in November, all the things Michael Moore likes to bitch about might just be fixed. It’s a scary prospect, and it leaves Michael Moore with two options:

1) He could start making bombastic, suspiciously-edited, simultaneously doomy and patronising documentaries about whatever irks him the most in a post-Bush world, like Is It Me Or Did Cadbury’s Creme Eggs Used To Be Bigger? and The Woman In Front Of Me In The Post Office Queue Smells Vaguely Like Dog Food, or

2) He could just keep making films about what a crap president George Bush was.

Guess which one he’s going to do. Go on, guess. OK, here’s the Los Angeles Times to tell you:

Michael Moore is plotting a follow-up to his 2004 documentary “Fahrenheit 9/11.” Although the film is being kept under wraps, it is said that Moore plans to pick up where he left off four years ago, to examine the fallout from  eight years of the  Bush administration’s policies. Moore is beginning production on the documentary “immediately,” according to studio reps. Moore’s follow-up to “Fahrenheit 9/11,” referred to informally in some circles as “Fahrenheit 9/11 1/2,” is expected to be released in mid-2009.

What with Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 sequel and Oliver Stone’s George Bush biopic, it seems like we’re going to be inundated with movies showing us all the ways that George Bush messed everything up pretty soon. Which is more than Jimmy Carter ever got. Eat that, Carter.

Of course, what’ll be most interesting to see is what Michael Moore does after this Fahrenheit 9/11 sequel. George Bush has been good business for him, so it hardly makes economic sense for Michael Moore to shut down that avenue entirely – especially when Bush looks set to leave such a suspect legacy behind him.

So here’s to Michael Moore quickly making Fahrenheit 9/11 2, Fahrenheit 9/11 3 and the direct-to-DVD Fahrenheit 9/11 4: He Never Even Rinsed Out The Sink After Shaving Either, The Bastard as soon as possible.

Read more:

Cannes ‘08: Michael Moore plots sequel to ‘Fahrenheit 9/11′ – LA Times

With an opening weekend box office tally of $100 million, the list of records that Iron Man has broken is either stupendous or utterly, utterly dull depending on if you’re a massive spod or not. And if you are, then the news that Iron Man 2 is coming out in April 2010 will probably make your balls catch on fire.

What? You’d already guessed that based on the fact that the plot of Iron Man deliberately set up a sequel and that the entire Iron Man cast has signed on for a sequel and that Iron Man’s a comic book movie and only really hopeless comic book movies about Ben Affleck being all blind and shit don’t get turned into sequels? Oh, suit yourselves.

So let’s look at the figures – Iron Man has had the most successful movie opening of the year and the second biggest non-sequel movie opening of all time. Worldwide, Iron Man has made almost $200 million in five days. Compare that to the $4 million that was the worldwide lifetime takings of Robert Downey Jr’s last film Charlie Bartlett and you can see just how huge it is.

And that means one thing – Iron Man 2 is a complete inevitability. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it got terrible reviews. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it was about a farty pig. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it starred Jim Carrey. People would go and see Iron Man 2 if it looked like this.

Which is why someone at Marvel has managed to find the time in their newly-loaded schedule of shoving fistfuls of caviar up their bottom, punching homeless men in exchange for $50 and ordering the poshest Thai bride in the catalogue to confirm Iron Man 2, even giving it a date. The Associated Press reports:

This weekend was just the beginning of Hollywood’s Iron age. Marvel Studios announced Monday it will release “Iron Man 2″ on April 30, 2010, following the success of the first in the comic-book franchise, which pulled in $104.2 million domestically since opening last Thursday and $201 million worldwide. Four other films based on Marvel superheroes also were announced: “Thor,” due out June 4, 2010; “The First Avenger: Captain America,” May 6, 2011; “The Avengers,” July 2011; and “Ant-Man.”

April 30? What are you thinking, Marvel? Don’t you know that’s Akon’s birthday? As if people are really going to go and see the sequel to one of the most popular movies ever on the night that they traditionally stand around crying in their darkened bedsits humming Smack That and wishing they were married to Akon regardless of their gender. Why didn’t you think it through, Marvel?

Anyway, look at all of those other movies that Marvel has planned. Exciting, huh – especially The Avengers. Who’d be able to resist the charms of a film that not only stars Iron Man, but the bound-to-be-disappointing Incredible Hulk, an off-puttingly patriotic Smurf and a long-haired tit with a hammer? Yay!

But for now let’s just focus on the gigantic success that is Iron Man and look forward to Iron Man 2. Because it’s only after one vastly successful sequel that the fans will get what they want – a confusing, overlong third movie that features various needless scenes of Robert Downey Jr cooking omelettes, dancing the twist and getting infected by an alien that gives him weird emo haircuts.

Read more:

Marvel mines more precious metal with `Iron Man 2′ – AP

So it was always inevitable that an X-Files sequel would be on the cards. And it just so happens that one's coming out in a few months. But nobody has the foggiest clue about what it'll actually be about.

But that's where X-Files sequel director Chris Carter and screenwriter Frank Spotnitz come in. They've decided to spill the beans about the X-Files sequel without actually mentioning anything that's going to happen in it at all. Still interested? Yes? Well that's fairly depressing.

Once you've been in a show like X-Files, you're more or less promised geek adoration for life. While that can be a good thing – it means that you've got a guaranteed audience for your dire forays into sub-erotic trip-hop – it can also stop you from ever doing anything popular ever again.

Look at the two main stars of X-Files, for instance. Gillian Anderson went off to have a baby, develop an odd British accent and star in a film about pushing shotguns up people's bottoms, while David Duchovny now just spends his time annoying bad funk-rock bands. And they've tried to distance themselves from X-Files, either by making spoof sci-fi movies like Duchovny or just saying that they hated X-Files like Anderson.

But despite all that, a sequel to 1998's X-Files movie – you, know, the one about all the spooky bees – is coming out in July. But plot details for this X-Files sequel have been scant so far. Sure, there was the leaked X-Files sequel trailer, but that just convinced us that it was going to be a film about some spooky snow featuring a guest appearance from Billy Connolly as Father Christmas. And that can't be what it's about, can it? Can it?

Never fear, for the two creative brains behind the X-Files sequel Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz have decided to reveal all. Well, we say 'all'…

"While this is not a mythology movie, it's true to everything that's come before," Spotnitz said at the William S. Paley Television Festival. "It's true to Mulder and Scully, who they are and where they would be this point in their lives and all of the experiences that they've had."

So that's that all cleared up. Thanks for your time, Frank. No really. 

Alright, so we can appreciate that Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz want to keep plot details for the X-Files secret close to their chest, because once they finally reveal that it's just going to be two hours of the same old hokey shit that everyone got sick of at some point 13 years ago, then the movie's just not going to have the same pull, is it?

But still, it wouldn't hurt to tell us what the X-Files sequel is going to be called, would it? Unless it's actually going to be called X-Files 2: Look Out, Santa's Got A Spooky Banjo! then the title won't give too much away. So it's over to Chris Carter to make the big reveal:

"I can't tell you. I know what I want it to be, but Fox has some ideas of their own."

Wow, the X-Files sequel really is top secret, isn't it? Everyone's probably just hard at work coming up with a movie title that will get the biggest audience possible to pay to see it. And if that's the case, we've got just the right title for them that they can use free of charge.

Indiana Jones 4.

Read more:

`X-Files' Creator Spills Film Details – Reuters