Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Will Ferrell is one of the worst things ever to happen to anything. He’s up there with Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman and Robert Mugabe. And all of these people are mystifyingly popular with gawping idiots.
Ferrell, presumably mugging in someone’s face and making farting noises right now, has a criminal record of tawdry comedy as long as your hecklerspray‘s face.
And our face is so very long because Ferrell has announced that he’s bringing?newscaster Ron Burgundy back in a sequel to Anchorman.
Anyone who’s anyone who’s anyone knows the importance that Watchmen had on the history of sequential art (which is a cockended way of saying ‘comics’).
It had boobies and swearing and violence, as well as a final twist that is consistently ranked as one of the greatest twists in fictional history; ranked after the Hungry Caterpillar eating an apple and not the eyes of a sleeping gentleman nearby but before O’Shaughnessy’s antics in The Maltese Falcon.
We all love Watchmen, but what would you say if you found out that a sequel was in the works?
Tron is the a fine example of a rubbish franchise being brilliant. Over two films, Tron told us absolutely nothing but it didn’t matter because ultimately, the light cycles and grid games are really, really cool.
And even thought the CGI bit where Jeff Bridges looked young in Tr2n was some of the worst footage in cinematic history, we can’t help but be a little excited at the news of a third instalment of the Tron series.
And yep, it’s been confirmed by Tron himself, which is as good as gospel.
The point of an actor is to be nothing. Actors are supposed to be like sponges, taking on other characteristics so when they appear on film, you believe you’re watching a real person, as opposed to That Famous Person portraying a character. The best thespians are invisible.
Which is why Tom Cruise hasn’t done much recently because there isn’t a hope in hell you could watch him in a movie without the Scientology klaxon blaring in your ear every 2 seconds. Suspension of disbelief is pretty much impossible when you’re staring at a man who you feel might be trying to convert you with his lifeless void-eyes.
And so, clean out of roles and ideas, it seems that Tom Cruise is going to appear in a sequel of one of his old films, Top Gun.
If you are anything like hecklerspray then your high school experience can be summed up with just a few words: plague-like bloody diarrhoea, ultra massive steroid use, and posing nude so the seniors can properly take their anatomy final.
There was never any spontaneous singing though – and a good thing too, because that would have been super gay – like East High gay. Speaking of which – you know how there’s been a pleasant calm in the world since everyone everywhere knows the cast graduated, and so can’t make any more sequels?
Well no more – Disney has just committed to HSM4.
Terminator Salvation looks set to be one of the most talked-about movies of next year, even if much if the talk looks set to be “Oh lord, this is terrible.”
But because of all the pre-release hype surrounding Terminator Salvation, it’s almost certainly not going to be the last Terminator film. In fact, according to producers, Terminator 5 is now going to be rushed into cinemas by summer 2011.
Apparently to be set in the Middle East, Terminator 5 will revolve around the time when John Connor got a nasty scratch from some robot shrapnel and looked for treatment. It’ll be called Terminator Savlon. Sorry.
The world is dying for Batman 3 – it wants murk, it wants thematic complexity, it wants a superhero with a crappy voice.
But most of all, the world wants Christopher Nolan. But since this is Christopher Nolan – a man who once made an entire film about Al Pacino being quite sleepy – he isn’t making the Batman 3 talk easy.
Promoting The Dark Knight‘s DVD release, Nolan reiterated that the pressure of following such a huge movie might cause him to foul the sequel up. Well, Christopher, that didn’t stop Sam Raimi from making Spider-Man 3, and that was… um, OK, let’s move on.
As movie law states, a successful shaky-camera film should always be followed by a non-shaky film that everybody hates.
It happened with The Blair With Project, and now it’s probably going to be happening with Cloverfield too, so long as the director can get his act together. Almost a year after it was greenlit, Cloverfield director Matt Reeves still hasn’t made is mind up about what to do with Cloverfield 2.
Don’t get him wrong, he has ideas about Cloverfield 2, he just doesn’t know where to set it. Or who’ll star in it. Or when it’ll take place. Or what’ll happen in it. Or if he’ll direct it or not. But, seriously, once Matt Reeves has those details down, Cloverfield 2 is going to be excellent. Or rubbish. Or somewhere between those two.
If you thought 94 episodes of Sex And The City and one entire feature-length Sex And The City movie weren’t enough, this is your lucky day.
Well, technically it isn’t your lucky day at all, because if you still don’t think that 94 episodes of Sex And The City and one entire feature-length Sex And The City movie have fully satisfied you, then chances are you qualify as being medically mentally ill. You should probably get that looked at.
But aside from that, it probably is your lucky day a bit, because Kim Cattrall has declared that Sex And The City 2 is definitely going ahead. Great – presuming it takes three years to make Sex And The City 2, the four main actresses will have a combined age of 192 by the time it’s released. Luckily the writers are taking this into consideration, and the subplot about Sarah Jessica Parker‘s vaginal prolapse is thought to be very moving.
Here’s some advance warning – Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass are making a fourth Bourne film, so stock up on the motion sickness pills while you still can.
That’s right – although The Bourne Ultimatum seemed to end with a satisfyingly piece of trilogy closure, you can now be pretty sure it didn’t. Bourne 4 is on the way and there’s nothing anybody can do about it.
Best of all, Bourne 4 will be the first Bourne film not to be based on a Robert Ludlum novel. Phew, finally we won’t have to worry about plot or character development or anything – just endless scenes of Matt Damon jumping across buildings and arbitrarily punching people while being filmed by what appears to be a drunk Parkinson’s sufferer trying to operate a pneumatic drill on a trampoline on a boat in a storm. Perfect.
