Katie Holmes may well have finally escaped from the clutches of Tom Cruise, if reports in some glossy yank rag are to be believed.

The Star is reporting that the Tomkat experience is over and no longer a thread to the rest of us with their weird placenta eating ways. You can’t really blame them for thinking that though, what with the recent fad for celebrity separations garnering copious column inches in the run up to Christmas.

When you think about it, that’s just plain depressing.

According to the front page of the Star, which is all anyone can really stomach reading, the police had to be called after Holmes had some sort of nuclear apocalypse style meltdown and that she’s now resting up at home with Mummy and Daddy Holmes. But not just any Daddy Holmes, no, DIVORCE LAWYER DADDY HOLMES, who sounds like a third rate WWE wrestler from the mid-90s.

Naturally Holmes and Cruise’s people are denying the rumours, saying that the report is a work of pure fiction and that the couple are just living separate lives.

However, as all good conspiracy theorists will tell you, the media is crawling with Scientologists trying to prevent you from learning the truth.

In fact, most of the hecklerspray team is comprised of Scientologists and Lizard People, attempting to distract you while our brethren slowly take over the world by making atrocious films and discrediting David Icke.

It is probably worth pointing out that the Star has run this accusation of the Tomkat phenomenon blowing up around us alongside stories of Johnny Depp flirting with 19 year olds and Ashton Kutcher getting caught up in a murder scandal.

So it is quite clearly a load of bollocks, unless the Star happens to have some of the best journalists in the world who have all managed to unearth groundbreaking stories on the same week. But really, how likely is that?

No, it looks like Katie Holmes is still shackled to her husband and his midichlorians, thetans and STD sound-a-like life forces, all the time staring at that e-meter in the corner, wondering if it truly captures the extent of her feelings.

What would Xenu do?

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Possibly in a bid to prove once and for all that filming the movie Milk didn’t really turn him gay, Sean Penn has decided to call off his legal separation from his big, fat, ugly wife.

For the record, the woman is probably small, thin and pretty – but wife-compliments are just the kind of thing Sean doesn’t allow people to throw around in his wife’s presence.

That’s why she was leaving him, we heard. We didn’t really hear that.

“I work hard all day, & when I come home all I want is a hot meal waiting for me and perhaps the sports-score section of the newspaper. Is that too much to ask? And by the way – your face is like 70% crows feet! Hag!”

Well that’s just the sort of talk you won’t find floating around the Penn house anymore. That’s because Sean Penn and his wife Beverly Butt Crack Magillicutty-Penn are currently reconciling again.

Please don’t make us check on her real name. Just take it.

News of their new found-again marital bliss may seem like deja vu. Well that’s because it’s already happened like a dozen times. Do you doubt our count? No really – sift them with us:

12: There’s the time he maybe left her for Sienna Miller

11: There’s the time he left her for a mule that he and Sienna rode on their second date

10: There’s the time he left her for A-Rod

11: There’s the time he left her for not getting mad enough when he left her for A-Rod

12: There’s the time he left her for a discounted turkey sandwich

13: There’s the time he left her not necessarily for any specific one person or sandwich, but because he wanted to take a year off to make steamy love to several hard working otters. We heard he was impressed because they seem so industrious.

Well look at that – there were thirteen instances. We must of missed one in our initial count.

Our legal department says some of those might be speculation-based. You know what’s not speculation? The fact that he had filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences recently. Well he’s calling it off again. People.com‘s got the skinny:

“The Oscar-winning actor filed a request Tuesday to dismiss his legal separation case, Marin County, Calif., court records show. “This appears to imply that they’re reconciling again,” says L.A. divorce lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case. “It’s unlikely Sean Penn would request a dismissal for any other reason.” This is the second [read 13th] time the actor has rescinded divorce papers. Penn, 48, and Wright Penn, 43, started divorce proceedings in December 2007 after 11 years of marriage.”

Well all’s good in the Penn household. Until the next time he wants to watch that Deadliest Catch episode he DVRd like two weeks ago but she won’t let him because she’s in the middle of a Scooby-Doo on Monster Island marathon.

That’s the exact reason our parents split, incidentally. We’re just saying Penns – if you really want things to work maybe you should buy a second television. Or check out Hulu.

We hear they have quite a show selection.

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