sentenced - HecklerSpray

And So, Judge Gives Lindsay Lohan 120 Days In Jail For Swiping Gaudy Necklace

May 12th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 120 days in jail for making off with that necklace from a shop that seemed rather happy to tout their CCTV footage around, which is all rather grisly and backstabby.

Ergo, it’s fantastic and we’re all for it.

Thankfully for LiLo though, she’s famous, which means she won’t get carted off in a pig wagon, thrown to a bunch of aroused women with tattoos and thunderously athletic thighs. Rather, she can turn herself in next month. At some point. Y’know. If she fancies it. No pressure if not. Y’know, just turn up in your own time okay?

OJ Simpson’s Appealing (No, Not Like That)

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So that’s that, then – the next time you see OJ Simpson will be somewhere in the tiny window between 2017 and 2041.

On Friday OJ Simpson was sentenced to anything between nine and 33 years in jail for his part in last year’s bewildering hotel room armed robbery. If he serves the full term, we’re looking forward to reading the book that 94-year-old OJ Simpson will publish on his release, tentatively titled If I Did It, Wait, What’s My Name Again? Who Are You? Are These My Trousers? They Smell Funny.

That’s unless OJ Simpson’s appeal is successful. Oh, didn’t we mention that part?

Amy Winehouse Gets To Screech About Blake For 27 More Months

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Would-be criminals can learn a lot from today’s news that Blake Fielder-Civil has been sentenced to 27 months in jail.

Firstly, Blake Fielder-Civil’s sentence has shown that you can’t go round violently attacking pub landlords in the face; and that if you do, you definitely can’t try buying their silence with great big wads of your wife’s cash.

Most of all, though, Blake Fielder-Civil’s 27-month jail sentence shows that you’ll still get lumbered with a giant stretch in prison even if you get Amy Winehouse to bellow your name in public every six or seven seconds. Speaking of that, we’ve got another 27 months of that. Thanks, the British justice system. Thanks a lot.

Lou Pearlman Banged Up For Quarter Of A Century

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The world may go through some difficult changes in the next 25 years, but at least Lou Pearlman won’t give us any more crappy boybands.

That’s because Lou Pearlman has just been sentenced to 25 years in jail after being found guilty of conspiracy, money laundering and various other dodgy white-collar crap. Ironically, though, Lou Pearlman only got six months in jail for committing those crimes – the other 24.5 years were a punishment for inventing ‘N Sync.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Being the mastermind behind the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync didn’t affect Lou Pearlman’s sentence at all. He got given such a long sentence because he’s fat and creepy-looking. And you’re next, Santa!

Michelle Rodriguez Out Of Jail 163 Days Early

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It's outrageous – all Michelle Rodriguez wants to do is find beauty in a jail cell and the sods keep setting her free before she can properly find it.

Although Michelle Rodriguez started her 180-day jail sentence for probation violation just over a fortnight ago, it has been reported that she was last night set free for good behaviour. In total Michelle Rodriguez served just 17 days of her six-month sentence.

Michelle should count herself lucky – one day longer and she'd have had to suffer through a full 10 percent of her sentence. Imagine how hellish that would be.