OJ Simpson should be doing all his favourite things today – it might be his last day of freedom forever.

Obviously that won’t happen – OJ Simpson’s favourite things include writing books about murdering people he used to be married to, robbing strangers at gunpoint and making bewildering hidden-camera DVDs, and they all take ages – but it’s his last chance.

Later today, OJ Simpson will be sentenced to anywhere between six years and life for masterminding his calamitous hotel room armed robbery last year. OJ’s lawyers are pleading for leniency – after all, it’s not like he killed his wife or anything, is it?

It’s time to say goodbye to the OJ Simpson we know and love – you know, the one who was held legally responsible for the murder of his ex-wife, and then wrote a book about stabbing her to death – because he’s not going to be around for a while.

Later today OJ Simpson will be swapping a life of leisure, wide open spaces and nobody really making eye contact with him because they think he probably murdered his wife for a new life; a life of mailbag-stitching, claustrophobic spaces and sharing a tiny room with a mentally-challenged seven-foot arsonist who can’t make up his mind whether he wants to stab OJ Simpson with a razorblade attached to a partially-melted toothbrush or habitually sex him up the bum against his will.

Ever since OJ Simpson was found guilty of 12 counts of armed robbery and kidnapping two months ago, following his hopelessly botched attempt to retrieve some memorabilia from a hotel room, this day was always going to be an inevitability.

Today at noon, Las Vegas time, OJ Simpson will be given his jail sentence. The length of his sentence is still a mystery, but observers are currently pitching their guesses between the ‘six-year’ and the ‘until mankind is removed from the planet by a race of superintelligent deathbots’ marks. AP reports:

Simpson attorney Yale Galanter has said his client won’t address the court. Stewart will, said his lawyer, Brent Bryson. “Best-case scenario we’re hoping for is six years. That’s the bottom-end number before being eligible for parole,” Bryson said… Judge Glass, known for giving severe sentences, can ignore or accept a recommendation from the state parole agency calling for at least 18 years.

It doesn’t look good for OJ Simpson, we have to say – given the severity and sheer number of charges he’s been found guilty of, coupled with what some see as a lingering unspoken resentment over his previous murder acquittal, he should probably start preparing for the worst.

OK, not the worst, exactly – the worst would be if he avoided jail and immediately set about making a follow-up to his hidden-camera prank show DVD Juiced – but the second-worst, at least.

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OK, we take it all back, we never want to be Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend – it turns out that you have to actually rob God to keep up with her.

Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.

According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!

Men turn to crime for many different reasons. Some are desperate and some are simply opportunists, but not Raffaello Follieri. Raffaello Follieri turned to crime for the purest reason there is – he wanted to dick an actress.

Chances are you know Raffaello Follieri’s story by now – how he played up false ties to the Catholic Church to con strangers out of millions of dollars in dodgy property deals and got arrested and now faces a four-year jail sentence – but we’ve only just learnt why it all happened.

It’s because all Raffaello Follieri wanted to do was keep his girlfriend Anne Hathaway happy and stocked up with flowers and jewellery and boxes of puppies and expensive breakfast cereal and whatever product it is that keeps her hair so lustrous and sexy. And the only way he could do that was to bring misery to a series of innocent property investors. If anything it should be Anne Hathaway who’s in prison, the bitch.

We’re paraphrasing, but that’s more or less the jist of the papers recently submitted to court by Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer requesting a sentence of three, rather than four, years in jail. The exact wording is:

When he was only 24 years old, this young man from a small city in the South of Italy found himself a successful international entrepreneur befriended by the rich and famous…He was surrounded by movie stars and celebrities and this young man who neither drinks nor smokes became intoxicated with it all. Unfortunately he lacked the resources to maintain the opulent life style of his new friends. Even more unfortunately, he had almost unfettered access to hundreds of thousands of dollars…

OK, OK Raffaello, you’ve won us over. That sounds like a marvellous property deal. Now where do we sign the… hey! Wait a minute! That wasn’t even a paragraph about your property scam and you still almost managed to con us out of our savings. You’re good, Follieri, we’ll give you that.

There’s another week to go until we can find out if Rafaello Follieri’s plea worked, because that’s when his sentencing is due. In the meantime, all he can do is sit and reflect on all the trouble that having a movie star girlfriend like Anne Hathaway can cause.

In fact we should all reflect on that. Let’s make a pact – none of us will go out with Anne Hathaway in case we’re dragged into a life of crime to fund it. Instead, we should probably all turn our sights onto Jennifer Aniston, because we hear that she lets you be her boyfriend for a ham sandwich and a go on your rollerskates.