Oprah Winfrey has been shooting her mouth off saying that she’s going to get OJ Simpson to confess to his dirty murder on her television show, but alas, someone has already beaten her to it.

That source is the Daily Mail. And the National Enquirer. They never tell lies do they? They would’ve been told-off by someone official if so. This means we can take their words and reprint them as gospel.

So yeah, the words ‘I killed Nicole’ have been uttered by OJ ‘Glove Problems’ Simpson, which is nice. Is someone going to arrest him again… or something? We don’t know the protocol and can’t be bothered to find out. Simpson hasn’t just confessed, he’s allegedly spoken about how he did it. Step right this way gore fans!

According to the Mail, Simpson has already told Oprah that he knifed his wife to death in self defence. Of course, Oprah isn’t saying not saying a peep as she’d prefer to talk about it when she’s got some ratings at stake.

Of course, Simpson is already in prison, serving a nine year sentence for a robbery and kidnapping, but he was famously acquitted of murdering his wife and her chum Ronald Goldman even though it totally looked like he’d done it.

So step forward the National Enquirer, purveyors of undiluted truth and wisdom! They say that the former pro-ball chucker has been in contact with Oprah for the past year, ‘fessing all, saying:

“Tell Oprah that yes, I did it. I killed Nicole, but it was in self-defence. She pulled a knife on me and I had to defend myself”

“OJ said he went home and kept getting angrier and angrier and worked himself into an absolute rage”

Apparently, Simpson said that he…

“didn’t like the way she treated me in front of the kids at the restaurant. I didn’t like that she was routinely having guys have sex with her at her condo with the kids there.

He then obviously definitely said:

“I went over there to give her a piece of my mind. She was yelling go away! Go away! And waving the knife around at me. At one point she was lunging at me with the knife and I was just trying to talk to her. Nicole stepped out of the apartment – slashing the knife in the air”

“I was in such a rage that something just snapped. I couldn’t take her constant taunting of me with other men or her using drugs and drinking while my kids were living with her. I went beserk.

‘“Before I knew what I was doing I took the knife away from Nicole and started slashing at her. I cut her over and over again until she was lifeless. I was shocked at my own anger – I had killed the woman I had loved for so long…”

Then then presumably knifed Ron Goldman in self-defence and would’ve stabbed the crap out of anyone else within a mile radius, in self-defence before going on the world’s most famous, and slow copchase ever.

So there you have it. Close the casebooks. Everything has been worked out by Oprah, a right wing British newspaper and a comic.

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Everyone think OJ Simpson committed those murders right, despite the fact he never got collared for it. Even the gloves that didn’t fit his American Football playing hands are under the impression he’s guilty.

Even an adult actress, who performed under the name ‘Devon Shire’ (you should see her cream custard) thinks he did it. Even OJ himself isn’t sure, once saying: ‘Let’s say I committed this crime… even if I did this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?”

Oprah Winfrey is under the impression OJ is a killer, saying that she wants to get him to confess to it while being interviewed by her. That would be something wouldn’t it? Oprah getting the goods the police force never could? Well, she did inadvertently make Tom Cruise jump around on a sofa like a man-possessed.

Now Oprah has gone electric (aka, gone off on her own network, called OWN confusingly), she’s started dreaming big. And what would her dream interview be?

She wants O.J. Simpson to sit before her and say that he killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson. Not asking for much, eh?

Oprah says:

“I have a dream of O.J. Simpson confessing to me”

“And I am going to make that happen, people. I don’t just want the interview. I want the interview on the condition that you are ready, Mr. Simpson”

So why would OJ Simpson want to talk to Oprah, let alone confess that he was a massive murderer on television?

Bizarrely, she cited a photo she saw recently of herself as a baby growing up in poverty in Mississippi.

“The fact that that baby girl from a shotgun house in Mississippi can get to the OWN network means that the OJ Simpson interview is possible”

The American dream, eh? You can be anything you want in the land of milk and guns made from honey. You can rise to the top and force a confession out of a man who, if suspicions are correct, likes killing people. WAIT! That would make great television! OJ confesses before garotting Oprah Winfrey, with an audience of 80 million people!

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Oprah Winfrey has, seemingly, existed forever. She’s like a TV Mumm-Ra or something. And of course, most of her career has comprised of solemnly nodding at guests and talking about her fluctuating weight.

Good gig if you can get it.

However, Oprah also like a good ol’ overshare. She’s spoken rather candidly about the sexual abuse she endured, a teenage pregnancy and lately, pushing aside rumours that she’s a lesbian. That said, she’s got one big secret left up her sleeve and she wants to tell us all about it.

Oprah says:

“I was given some news that literally shook me to my core. This time, I’m the one being reunited. I was keeping a family secret for months, and on Monday you’re going to hear it straight from me.”

So, we’re getting a reunion are we? So who the shit is it?

Well, in 2010, someone called Kitty Kelly released an unauthorized biography about Oprah and the book claimed to know the identity of Winfrey’s biological father. As Oprah likes a big story, especially if it is about herself.

The book didn’t mention any names and refused to do so until Winfrey’s mother, Venita Lee, tells her daughter herself. Lee has refused to do this since forever.

It’s looking pretty likely that she’ll be waltzing her father on-stage and everyone will go nutso when she does. A well played ratings smash for Oprah, again.

Sadly for Oprah, we’re ready to blow the lid on this one and announce who Oprah’s biological father is.

Are you ready? Ready for disappointment?

Oprah Winfrey’s father is non-other that [hecklerspray's lawyers would like to intervene here and note that, should any clues be given away in this article, Oprah Winfrey will send her robots - known as 'The Killing Machines' - round to the 'spray bedsit and they will kick each writer 'til our genitals are the colour purple]

Damn.

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The outcome of the OJ Simpson trial rests on one thing – the lingering resentment of everyone who thought OJ Simpson killed his wife a decade ago.

Only joking. That’s got nothing to do with the outcome of OJ Simpson’s trial at all. Well, technically it probably has got a bit to do with it, but let’s not get into that. In actual fact, the whole OJ Simpson trial revolves around a secret tape of the whole shebang, recorded by an auctioneer.

Sadly, though, as the court found out yesterday, the tape is just vague enough not to mean anything at all. Oh OJ Simpson, why couldn’t you have stormed into the hotel and said, clearly and within earshot of the microphone “What-ho, I’m OJ Simpson and these gun-wielding chaps here – boys, say hello, there’s no excuse for rudeness – are here to take these items which don’t even belong to me. Pip pip!” or whatever the opposite of that is that proves you’re innocent? You’d have saved us all a lot of time either way, you selfish git.

The OJ Simpson trial has been sort of interesting so far, but only because of all the berserk old men who keep pretending to have heart attacks on the stand and the way that somebody’s going to cry racist whatever the verdict. Other than that, things have felt a little staid.

Why’s that? Because there was one piece of evidence that the lawyers had been holding back on. One impossibly vital piece of evidence – the secretly-recorded tape of the alleged armed robbery.

It’s been a frustrating wait, because everyone has known about the existence of the tape ever since a clip of OJ Simpson bellowing “You think you can steal my shit?” leaked out onto the internet. And yesterday the jury at the OJ Simpson trial got to hear the tape.

Well, some of the tape, at least. The man who recorded the incident – auctioneer Thomas Riccio – seems to basically make weird little secret recordings of everything he ever does on the offchance he’ll be able to sell bits of it to TMZ. And the clips played yesterday were of an encounter with OJ Simpson prior to the alleged robbery and of the police officers who were combing the hotel room after the incident but didn’t find Riccio’s recordings.

First, OJ Simpson’s tape. What the prosecution would have really loved is a long discussion about guns and how none of the sports memorabilia he was seeking actually belonged to him. What they actually got was this, according to the LA Times:

“I’m gonna show up with a bunch of the boys and take the [stuff] back,” said the man prosecutors contend is Simpson… Prosecutors played the jury a second recording, made in Simpson’s Palms room after he returned from the pool, in which Simpson said, “I gotta be at my intimidating best.”

Now, although your vision of OJ Simpson’s intimidating best will vary depending on if you thought the book If I Did It was a work of fact or fiction – hint: one’s got knives in it and the other one hasn’t – to be fair, the tape recording doesn’t actually prove anything. But nor does the recording of the police officers, either, other than that they sound quite a lot like glory-hunting bellends:

“This is great. John said uh, yeah — he is like California can’t get him. . . . Now we’ll be like . . . got him.”

Maybe this will change in days to come, when the meatier chunks of Riccio’s recordings will be played for the jury. Or maybe they’ll just play all of Riccio’s secret recordings from beginning to end, starting with a recording of his kindergarten teacher on the toilet and ending with a recording of the jury listening to a recording of the jury listening to a recording of the jury listening to a recording of the jury that Riccio recorded when the jury were listening to a recording of another recording Riccio had recorded in secret earlier.

Great, we’ve broken our brains. Thanks a lot, OJ Simpson.

It takes a lot to upstage a video of a 13-year-old girl urinating for a grown man, but the R Kelly child pornography trial may have hit the jackpot.

Because yesterday at the R Kelly child pornography trial… not much happened. Not much happened because the judge halted the trial for a day. And the judge halted the trial because a brand new ultra-mysterious secret witness for the defence has just descended onto the scene.

According to R Kelly’s defence, nobody knew this witness even existed until 9am yesterday morning when it received a phone call. It’s exciting, dramatic stuff and not even the judge knows what’s going on. We can’t wait! We want to be profoundly disappointed by the inevitable anticlimax now!

Although we’re aware that R Kelly’s defence hasn’t had a proper go yet, the R Kelly child pornography trial hasn’t especially been going great shakes for the singer so far.

The trial revolves around a video of a girl, possibly as young as 13, having all sorts of illegal piss sex with a man to the sound of the Backstreet Boys. Since R Kelly denies it’s him on the tape and the girl suspected to be the victim also denies that she’s on the tape, the onus is on the prosecution to find people who’ll identify both R Kelly and the girl.

Apparently, that’s not as hard as it seems, because everyone from friends of the girl to family members of the girl to R Kelly’s old employees have been lining up to claim that R Kelly is the man in the sex tape.

However, that could all be about to change dramatically with the sudden appearance of a previously-unknown witness for the defence, who’s apparently going to swoop in and save the day. BBC News reports:

Dramatic claims of a potential new defence witness have interrupted the trial of US R&B singer R Kelly on child sex charges. A lawyer for Mr Kelly informed the court in Chicago that the defence had not known about the new witness until he called them on Wednesday morning. The judge halted the trial for a day to allow time for the man to fly in from another state and make a deposition. “I have no idea what’s going on,” Judge Vincent Gaughan told the court.

Dramatic, huh? It’s just like an exciting courtroom drama, only it’s far slower and it’d never get shown on TV because a grown man shags a child and then pisses on her head in it.

We’re not too sure about what happens now. Will this surprise defence witness get wheeled out in court immediately, drop a giant bombshell and bring the R Kelly child pornography trial to a premature end? Or will the prosecution finish up its business before the witness is allowed to make a grand game-changing entrance?

Most importantly, do we still get to hear the witness’ testimony even if he turns out to be a funny-looking R Kelly superfan whose argument just consists of singing “I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind” several times in a row while doing a creepy little shuffle dance in the witness box?

Because we get the feeling that’s what’s going to happen, and we’d quite like to see the pastel courtroom sketch of that, please.

Now that Britney Spears is under the protective care of her parents again, hints about just how ill she was pre-hospitalisation have started to creep out.

And it's worse than it ever seemed – forget the string of public meltdowns, there's a chance that Britney Spears secretly got married to her paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib last month.

Of course, nobody knows the truth and the marriage is void anyway because Adnan's already married, but getting married to Adnan Ghalib? Britney's lucky she only got sectioned after that – we'd have held her down and lobotomised her there and then if we'd have caught wind of it.

You might not think so now, but history will define Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib as the purest example of overwhelming love in creation. People will look back on Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib and think to themselves "Why can't I find myself a much older, married, shit-bearded paparazzo to follow me about spending my money when I'm emotionally vulnerable to the point of disability?"

You see, Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib have it all – they're young (well, one of them is), they're happy (well, one of them is), they took naked pictures of each other that they tried to sell for a million dollars (well, one of them did) and they talk in preposterous British accents all the time (well… no, actually they both do that).

But there was one little blip last month where Britney Spears dumped Adnan Ghalib and he rushed off to do as many tawdry tell-all interviews as possible and then they got back together pretty much the next day when Adnan's wife filed for a divorce.

What kicked that off? Was it that Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib got married in secret in Mexico, only for Britney to realise that Adnan was already married, break it off with him, pay him to hurry through a divorce and then get back together with him again? Seems so, as OK! reports:

The couple allegedly secretly wed while in Mexico last month but sources are saying the ceremony was illegal as boyfriend Adnan is still married. Reports in the Daily Star have said the couple hired private jets and security in Hawaii, Las Vegas and New York in an attempt to trick photographers away from Mexico. The secret ceremony apparently took place on January 9th followed by a night at the Rosarito Beach Hotel.  A source said, "While in Mexico, they went through a quickie marriage ceremony."  Britney, 26, was said to be fuming when she realised Adnan was still married and broke it off before allegedly slipping him £125,000 to help with the divorce proceedings.

It wasn't long after this that Britney Spears was carted off to the loony bin, and with good reason. In fact, we'd even go so far as to suggest that anyone who sees Adnan Ghalib's straggly little beard-worm and feel anything other than furious rage probably needs locking up too.

Of course, this all happened in the past. And now that Britney's dad is tightly controlling his daughter's life, nobody knows what the exact status is between Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib. Although now that Sam Lutfi isn't around to mash drugs into Britney's food, we're guessing that she's probably gone off him a bit.

Read more:

Could Britney be Married Again?  – OK! 

Paul McCartney might give off the impression of youth, what with his dyed moddish haircut and freakish predisposal to larking around with a mandolin like a little twit, but the fact is that Paul McCartney is getting on in years.

And with age comes inevitable health problems, which explains why Paul McCartney had a sly coronary angioplasty recently. According to reports, Paul McCartney had the routine heart operation in secret at a private London hospital in the autumn after consulting his doctor, and has since recovered well. That'll be good news to everyone except for Ringo Starr, who must accept that Paul McCartney's refusal to die means that he has to shelve his plans to remaster the life out of all the old Beatles albums until all that's left is some drumming and a 15-hour selection of out-takes from the seminal Octopus's Garden sessions.

Divorce affects different people in different ways, and that's never been more clear than with Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. While the endless bickering and public squabbling caused Heather Mills to spectacularly meltdown on GMTV until all she could do was squeak the word 'paedophile' over and over like Mickey Mouse's castrato nephew, Paul McCartney has done quite the opposite.

Instead of carping on about the agony of divorce to anyone who'll listen, Paul McCartney has bravely grinned through the pain, waggled his thumbs about at every opportunity and then nearly keeled over from a heart attack. Which is probably worse, all said. 

It has been reported today that Paul McCartney had a spot of secret coronary angioplasty recently, following a stress-filled year that involved both divorce proceedings and skipping around like an elderly goblin in an iTunes ad, either of which could have finished him off, really. According to The Sun, a source said:

"Paul had been complaining about not feeling well and saw a Harley Street specialist at The London Clinic. Tests were carried out and the decision was taken to operate. Paul had the angioplasty in a private hospital. It was all very routine but any work on your heart is a big deal."

We've no reason to believe that this story isn't true, but perhaps the best way to find out for sure would be to ask Nancy Shevell or Rosanna Arquette, because from what we've heard the operation involves pushing balloons up your cock, and that sort of thing has to leave a mark, surely. Whatever, we're just pleased that Paul McCartney's last YouTube craze was called Nod Your Head – if it had been called Run Up And Down The Stairs A Bunch Of Times then the poor bugger would have been done for.

It just goes to show that you can have all the money in the world but it means nothing if your heart packs up – unless it allows you to pay for expensive private Harley Street doctors to repair your heart much faster and more effectively than if you had to go through the procedure on the NHS. Which is what Paul McCartney did, to be fair. Look, we don't know what our point is, OK?

Read more:

Macca has a secret heart op – The Sun 

It's becoming slightly traditional for rumours of a Jay-Z/ Beyonce marriage to surface every December, but this this time it looks like they might have been spot-on.

Reports are surfacing that Jay-Z and Beyonce properly went and got married during a trip to Paris last week. They're completely unconfirmed rumours, of course, but we'll soon see how true they are because apparently Jay-Z and Beyonce both got their fingers tattooed instead of swapping wedding rings. That doesn't necessarily mean we should all strain our eyes trying to look for infinitesimal markings on Jay-Z and Beyonce's fingers, though – the signs will be much more obvious than that. On the basis that they both let a Frenchman tattoo their fingers last week, we just need to look out for the 'Beyonce Has One Giant Septic Hand Covered In Pus' headlines to confirm everything we need to know.

Beyonce and Jay-Z make a lovely couple, they really do. Whether they're popping up in each other's music videos, relentlessly hawking a variety of products in commercials or just sneaking around pretending to get married every couple of days, Beyonce and Jay-Z never look anything other than contented. Well, occasionally badly bruised too, but mostly contented. 

But despite looking happy enough as a couple, Jay-Z and Beyonce have never got round to getting married. Sure, they both say that they want to get married, and every time they go on holiday people start shrieking that it's because they're getting married, but it never happens.

But it's happened now. Possibly. We think.

It has been suggested that Jay-Z and Beyonce used a trip to Paris last week to get married in secret, and that they received special little finger tattoos to make sure they stay true to one another. According to a source, Jay-Z and Beyonce:

"Didn't want all the attention that usually follows them around, they just wanted it to be intimate and romantic. It was lovely and they are both blissfully happy. They thought the tattoos would be a lovely personal touch."

Uh-oh, a marriage in Paris. That means that, by the time you wake up tomorrow morning, a French model is going to be talking about how Beyonce thinks that sperm makes her spotty.

Anyway, we hear that the Jay-Z/ Beyonce wedding was just adorable to watch. For the vows, for instance, Beyonce sang and stretched out the words "to have and to hold" alone to last more than 15 minutes, with Jay-Z interrupting two-thirds of the way through to do a 25-second rap about how rich he is. Beautiful.

That's if Beyonce and Jay-Z really did get married – nobody knows for sure. One thing's for certain, though – all this mystique surrounding the wedding has turned something we absolutely don't give a badger's chuff about into something we still don't give a badger's chuff about but could use as an excuse to crack out some lazy jokes about stereotypical French uncleanliness.

Read more:

Has Beyonce Married Jay-Z? – Metro