There was a time not so long ago that to have a baby, one had to petition the Most High until he blessed her with a swollen womb and an ample supply of spooj.

But now anybody can have a baby whether God wants them to or not. For instance,  even though it’s clear that everybody in heaven is very much against giving Celine Dion heirs to still record albums long after she’s dead, it’s happening anyway.

Somehow, after years of scientific struggle, she’s pregnant again.

That’s right – Celine Dion is pregnant. This is particularly strange when you consider that her husband’s spoo has been in a deep-freeze since they did that sort of thing with large chunks of lake ice.

That’s just what we heard.

What we’re getting at here is that she’s pregnant not by a sperm happening upon an unsuspecting egg, but at the hands of several dozen doctors, scientists and perhaps nurses that are pretty good at holding a syringe real nice and steady.

We’re told that this type of pregnancy is virtually identical to the natural kind, except the mother has to constantly sit on the petri dish so that it’s contents never get too hot or too cold.

We really did hear that. We also heard this – from the New York Daily News:

“Céline Dion is going to be a mom – again! The Canadian singer learned of her pregnancy Monday after she and husband, René Angélil, conceived with the help of a team of fertility doctors in New York…”

The doctor’s helped, we’re told, by dressing Dion and her husband both in velvet robes, dimming the lights, and letting passion rule as the pair surrendered to each other while the faint cries of a baby otter lingered in the air.

We’re told that for Canadians, baby otter cries are an absolute essential to proper love making. So are red police uniforms and millions of miles of uninhabited, ice covered wilderness.

Now that we know Celine is pregnant, we suppose it’s safe to say she’s really keeping up with the Kardashians!

See what we did there? Could someone in headquarters please get that copyrighted? Chop chop!

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If you’ve never been lucky enough to hear anything from Paris Hilton’s self-titled debut album, we’ve basically summed up how it sounds above.

Senseless screams that not even studio engineering could cover up were released by the heiress who wrongly thought we’d all go “omg that is so like awesomely mega kewl!” when we heard it. With disastrous sales you’d think the message would be clear and our wonk-eyed American friend would stop making music. Sadly not it seems – Paris Hilton has is apparently planning to annoy us again, this time with an album inspired by Kylie Minogue.

The people at the job office must really bang their heads against the walls when they see Paris Hilton coming. Let’s face it, she hasn’t got the most impressive CV in the world, despite dipping her feet into all sorts of professions.

The perverted can see Paris Hilton stark bollock naked in the poorly-punned porno One Night In Paris. OK, so adult entertainment wasn’t going to be a career for our hotel heiress. So what about real acting where you have to remember lines of a film script and act accordingly? Following her performance in the 2005 flick House Of Wax, Paris did receive an award. Sadly it was for being the worst actress of that year.

So back to the small screen – reality shows are as good as Paris can go to try and look like a normal person. Using The Simple Life, Paris Hilton ultimately proved that tasks like boiling a kettle or using a knife and fork are actually quite complex procedures. At the moment, Paris is introducing us to a whole new generation of vain, eccentric, weird and general twats to the world via her new show Paris Hilton Is My New BFF.

Bun then there’s music. In 2006, the world shed a few tears as Paris released an album full of painful songs. The sort of pain you get when you accidentally splash vinegar into a cut or step on glass. Despite a PR blitz, the album spectacularly bombed. All that could be salvaged from the wreck was the video for Stars Are Blind where Paris could be seen rolling around in a bikini. However, it looked more like she was picking fish out of her arsecrack, as her supposed erotic video was as convincing as her porno.

Speaking like a five-year-old who managed to stay in the lines for the first time, Paris proudly said about the upcoming album:

“I wrote all the songs. It’s very dance like Kylie Minogue”.

But before you can get a cheap laugh, the album may not surface for a while as no-one has officially signed Paris to their label. Oh no, we’ll never hear songs like I Have More Money Than You, “I Want Cake And Icecream Now!, Time To Go Party and Excuse Me Peasant, Can You Wipe My Arse, I’ve Just Had A Banging Shit.

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It’s a picture of Thomas Beatie – the famous pregnant man from a few months ago – topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It’s weird. It’s like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he’s managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird.

Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you’re thinking – usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender – but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie’s children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.

Remember a few weeks ago when everyone thought that Jamie Lynn Spears had got pregnant again? It turns out that she hadn’t, but it would have meant that she’d have got pregnant just four months after giving birth. Given that that’s slap-bang in the middle of the stage where both parents are still constantly exhausted and covered in baby poo, that’s impressive.

But not as impressive as Thomas Beatie. He gave birth to his first child in a flurry of controversy at the end of June, and now it’s been revealed that he’s pregnant again. That means not only is he exhausted and covered in baby poo, but he’s also got a penis. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jamie Lynn.

Anyway, yes, the point is that controversial pregnant dad Thomas Beatie has got pregnant again, just a few months after he pushed his last baby out of his… we want to say arse.

Thomas Beatie revealed all to Barbara Walters, as ABC reports:

Thomas Beatie, who is in his first trimester, tells Walters he did not go back on the male hormone testosterone after Susan’s birth so he could have another baby. “I feel good,” he said. “I had my checkups with my hormone level, as far as the HCG. And everything is right on track.” He says the baby is due June 12.

As unusual as it may seem to begin with, Thomas Beatie’s second pregnancy is perfectly normal. He’s still a human being, and he has every right to bring as many children into this world as he likes. We have no doubt in our mind at all that Thomas Beatie will raise this new child with nothing but pure, endless love.

Plus we bet that Angelina Jolie will spend a fortune trying to buy it off him. Any old sod can get a baby born in Africa these days, but a baby that came out of a bloke? Top that, Madonna.

Oh, and to answer the question we set in the headline, the reason why we think that Thomas Beatie can’t keep it in his pants is because hardly any of it is in his pants any more. We’re guessing most of it’s in a jar on a creepy surgeon’s desk somewhere.

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And you know that poo you did this morning? The one you bit off prematurely because you were in a rush? JK Rowling earnt enough money to buy two Playstations and a week in a Greek villa during that. It’s just been announced, you see, that JK Rowling is the richest author on the planet, earning £5 a second.

So even just then, when you recoiled in disgust at our graphic description of chopping a poo in half with your sphincter, JK Rowling probably made enough money to go on a three-hour shopping spree at Primark. A shopping spree that ironically would earn JK Rowling enough money to but a nice eight-berth yacht that, if she took on a two-week cruise, would earn her enough money to buy your entire family forever, basically.

JK Rowling is very fond of telling the story about how she wrote the first Harry Potter book in a Scottish cafe before going home to a damp-filled flat that she had to sleep standing up in because it wasn’t big enough for a bed. But now, if she wanted, JK Rowling could easily buy that cafe. And that flat.

In fact, if JK Rowling really felt like it, she could probably pay to have Scotland chainsawed off and scuttled out of nothing more than petty spite. Because JK Rowling is rich.

That’s probably not such a surprise, what with JK Rowling writing the most popular series of children’s books of all time which then went on to create some of the most successful movies of all time and some of the most oppressively ubiquitous spin-off merchandise of all time. But, really, JK Rowling is rich.

JK Rowling is so rich that in an hour she earns as much as a call centre worker does in a year. In a day she earns what a Premiership footballer does in a week. And in a week, JK Rowling earns enough to bulldoze everything on the planet and write a message across the Earth challenging the Sun to a fight. BBC News reports:

JK Rowling is the world’s highest-earning author, making more than £5 every second over the past year, US business magazine Forbes has announced. The Harry Potter writer, who made a total of $300m (£170m) last year, wrote the first of her best-selling books about the boy wizard in 1997. Her income was six times more than literature’s next-biggest earner, James Patterson, of Along Came A Spider fame.

That’s an incredible amount of money – so huge that JK Rowling must barely be able to comprehend it herself. She could go to a pub, drink 20 pints of beer in a minute and still come out having made quite a substantial profit.

Of course, there’s no doubting that JK Rowling earnt her money and, in a year that saw the release of the final Harry Potter book and a Harry Potter movie, we’re probably seeing JK Rowling at the peak of her earning potential at the moment.

It’s probably for the best that JK Rowling stopped writing Harry Potter books when she did, though, because ultimately her lifestyle would eventually begin to bleed into her creations. And Harry Potter And The Day Spent Throwing Faberge Eggs Off A Shopping Centre Car Park For The Amusement Of People He’d Bought As His Slaves doesn’t exactly have best-seller written all over it.

Unless you’re Jack Black, of course. If you’re Jack Black then nobody really gives much of a hoot about how many children you’ve got. For instance, it’s all over the news at the moment that Jack Black and his wife Tanya have had their second baby.

How do they know? Were hordes of paparazzi camped outside the maternity wards of every hospital in LA? Had midwives been secretly bribed by celebrity magazines to reveal confidential secrets? No. Jack Black had to tell them that they had the baby ‘about a week ago’ during a premiere. Still, the lack of interest in his baby shouldn’t detract from the photo deal he’s just signed – £3.50 for a half-page spread near the back of What Horsebox magazine.

The world isn’t as equal as people make out. Yes, women get to vote now and they’re often at least interviewed for jobs they have no hope of getting so that companies can fill their positive discrimination quota, but when it comes to celebrity babies, the gender divide is wider than ever.

If you’re a female film star – even a crap one like Jessica Alba – and you get pregnant, then the press goes berserk for you, following you around and goading you into discussing your milk-engorged breasts and buying the image rights of the unborn baby for millions of dollars.

It’s even worse for someone like Angelina Jolie who has a megastar for a boyfriend, because then you can’t even go five seconds without every poorly-researched, lazily sarcastic British entertainment blog in the world falsely reporting the birth of your children. It must be a nightmare. There should be laws against us. It. There should be laws against it.

And then there’s Jack Black. Jack Black had a baby recently. Not that you’d know it, though – public interest in Jack Black’s new baby is so low that he had to casually break the news that he became a father for the second time ‘about a week ago’ on the red carpet at the premiere for Kung-Fu Panda. What’s the name of Jack Black’s baby? Don’t know. What’s the gender of Jack Black’s baby? Don’t know. How hungry is Jack Black’s baby? Good question, let’s find out, according to People:

“I have a new one,” Black, 38, told reporters Saturday at the junket for his animated movie, Kung Fu Panda, in Beverly Hills. “It’s eating every three hours. When talking with Kung Fu Panda producer Melissa Cobb about his dad duties, Black said, “Hours in the night, oh I have been,” adding to reporters, “You just got to make all the time precious with the babies when you’re working … You get an hour in the morning, and an hour at night, and you really make the most of that time.”

If any of this is sounding familiar, it’s because it is. Last time Jack Black became a father it a) happened around the time that Angelina Jolie had a baby, b) was announced at the premiere for one of his movies and c) was never officially named in public. And now it’s happening again.

Which is all well and good, except that all that happened during Nacho Libre, so the odds of Kung Fu Panda being much good have right out the bloody window now, haven’t they.