Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
There was a time not so long ago that to have a baby, one had to petition the Most High until he blessed her with a swollen womb and an ample supply of spooj.
But now anybody can have a baby whether God wants them to or not. For instance,? even though it’s clear that everybody in heaven is very much against giving Celine Dion heirs to still record albums long after she’s dead, it’s happening anyway.
Somehow, after years of scientific struggle, she’s pregnant again.
?Mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbb? quyuair fijdfff fffffblkurrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhh.?
If you’ve never been lucky enough to hear anything from Paris Hilton?s self-titled debut album, we've basically summed up how it sounds above.
Senseless screams that not even studio engineering could cover up were released by the heiress who wrongly thought we?d all go ?omg that is so like awesomely mega kewl!? when we heard it. With disastrous sales you'd think the message would be clear and our wonk-eyed American friend would stop making music. Sadly not it seems – Paris Hilton has is apparently planning to annoy us again, this time with an album inspired by Kylie Minogue.
Readers, we can now die and go to heaven – we’ve just seen the most confusing and slightly gut-churning thing we’ll ever see.
It’s a picture of Thomas Beatie – the famous pregnant man from a few months ago – topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It’s weird. It’s like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he’s managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird.
Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you’re thinking – usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender – but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie’s children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.
You know that time you had a protracted two-hour argument with your girlfriend about the hoovering? JK Rowling earnt £36,000 during that.
And you know that poo you did this morning? The one you bit off prematurely because you were in a rush? JK Rowling earnt enough money to buy two Playstations and a week in a Greek villa during that. It’s just been announced, you see, that JK Rowling is the richest author on the planet, earning £5 a second.
So even just then, when you recoiled in disgust at our graphic description of chopping a poo in half with your sphincter, JK Rowling probably made enough money to go on a three-hour shopping spree at Primark. A shopping spree that ironically would earn JK Rowling enough money to but a nice eight-berth yacht that, if she took on a two-week cruise, would earn her enough money to buy your entire family forever, basically.
Since Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman are getting ready to shoot babies out of their nethers, appetite for celebrity babies has never been higher.
Unless you’re Jack Black, of course. If you’re Jack Black then nobody really gives much of a hoot about how many children you’ve got. For instance, it’s all over the news at the moment that Jack Black and his wife Tanya have had their second baby.
How do they know? Were hordes of paparazzi camped outside the maternity wards of every hospital in LA? Had midwives been secretly bribed by celebrity magazines to reveal confidential secrets? No. Jack Black had to tell them that they had the baby ‘about a week ago’ during a premiere. Still, the lack of interest in his baby shouldn’t detract from the photo deal he’s just signed – £3.50 for a half-page spread near the back of What Horsebox magazine.
