Since the world-wide puppy shortage, however, that has become impossible. She's tried filling that void with other animals, we heard, but the goldfish died in her mascara case and her squirrel kept trying to store nuts deep inside her. Picture yourself at a million-dollar luncheon, and acorns keep dropping out of your pant-suit. Untolerable.

And if you don't feel enticed enough to apply yet, keep in mind we're pretty sure one of her eyes is a Johnny Depp piece of eight. Certainly that is worth your consideration.

Literally every single aspect of Britney Spears' 2007 has ended up as a painfully embarrassing disaster, but it's not all bad - at least an army of friendless geeks still love her.

Yahoo has just published its top 10 internet searches of 2007, and Britney Spears has come out on top yet again, making her officially bigger than professional wrestling, Saddam Hussein and Fergie out of the Black Eyed Peas. She may be in the middle of her own private hell, but at least by being searched for on Yahoo more than anything else this year, Britney Spears can still take comfort from the fact that she's still popular.

We just wish we had the heart to tell her that most of the searches in full were either for 'Britney Spears' horrible minge,' 'Britney Spears looking like a dick at the MTV awards', 'Britney Spears is a terrible mother' or 'Britney Spears: why?'