Posts tagged as:

Sean Penn

Sean Penn & Robin Wright Penn Divorce For The Million Billionth Time

by Stuart Heritage

Warning: prepare to disregard this story when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn inevitably get back together next week.

0 comments Read more >>>

Oscars: Every Film Ever To Get Nominated For Best Picture Now

by Stuart Heritage

Sean Penn! Come back! We forgive you for everything! But come back! We need you now more than ever!

1 comment Read more >>>

Sean Penn Calls Off His Wife-Split Again, Again, Again

by Shawn Lindseth

Possibly in a bid to prove once and for all that filming the movie Milk didn’t really turn him gay, Sean Penn has decided to call off his legal separation from his big, fat, ugly wife. For the record, the woman is probably small, thin and pretty – but wife-compliments are just the kind of [...]

0 comments Read more >>>

Sean Penn Splits Up With His Wife Again, Again, Again

by Stuart Heritage

We’d imagine that Sean Penn is hard to live with. Not because of his brooding intensity. Forget all that nonsense.

0 comments Read more >>>

Oscars: Slumdog Millionaire Wins (Yay), Also Sean Penn (Boo)

by Stuart Heritage

Oh Oscars, how could you? Up in chihuahua heaven, little Loki Rourke is in floods. Floods. Are you happy now?

You’d better be. Because, even though he’s won every single other award on the face of the Earth for The Wrestler, the Oscars have just decided to snub Mickey Rourke and give the Best Actor trophy to Sean Penn. Honestly Oscars, when Mickey Rourke goes off the rails again and ends up starring in Sylvester Stallone’s Get Carter 2, the blood will be on your hands.

Also, Slumdog Millionaire won a bunch of Oscars, which is a great surprise to… oh, nobody.

12 comments Read more >>>

Sean Penn Doesn’t Want To Divorce His Wife Any More

by Stuart Heritage

The Sean Penn/ Robin Wright Penn divorce was the one divorce that everyone was looking forward to, but now the bastards have spoilt it.

How? By flipping well falling back in love again, that’s how. Although they filed for divorce in December, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have now decided to call the divorce off so that they can sit around kissing and holding hands for the indefinite future.

We feel sick – this isn’t how Hollywood marriages are supposed to go at all. Where’s the infidelity, the bitterness, the petty public games of one-upmanship? Where, damn it, is the embarrassing sexual encounter with the seven-foot transsexual hooker? Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn, your happiness infuriates us.

1 comment Read more >>>

Did Sienna Miller Bugger Up Sean Penn’s Marriage?

by Stuart Heritage

Now, being married to Sean Penn must be crap at the best of times – it’d be like living with an intense, chainsmoking tramp who won’t stop ranting away in the background about the war from morning until night.

But imagine if you’re married to Sean Penn and all of a sudden Sienna Miller starts openly flirting with him. Would you smash Sienna’s pointless little face in? Would you just be thankful that he’d stopped the war-ranting for a handful of joyous seconds? Or would you just divorce Sean Penn?

Sean Penn’s wife did the last one, apparently. Lazy bitch – she could have at least tried the first one while she was at it.

6 comments Read more >>>

Sean Penn Gets To Be In Charge At Cannes

by Stuart Heritage

The Cannes Film Festival is the most famous film festival in the world, where every year a jury chooses a film that nobody has seen and says how much better it is than all the films you’ve seen put together.

And this year the Cannes Film Festival is going to be extra special because the head of the Cannes jury has been announced as Sean Penn. As one of the most respected actors and directors working in Hollywood today, Sean Penn’s appointment will mean that the movie he awards his prize to will get an even bigger publicity boost than usual. It also means that anyone who’s recently made a movie that’s funny, uplifting, deft or about anything other than how terrible the Iraq war is should probably stay at home this year because they ain’t winning jack.

2 comments Read more >>>

Sean Penn Gets His Obligatory Awards Season Nod

by Stuart Heritage

Sean Penn knows that he could make a film about a trumping monkey and it’d win all sorts of awards for its brave vision and the universal resonance of a monkey-fart as an allegory to the human condition.

But so far this awards season, something has been up. The Sean Penn-directed Into The Wild hasn’t been winning any awards, with all the gongs instead either going to There Will Be Blood or No Country For Old Men. Worried that Sean Penn is losing his magical touch? Don’t be – the annual Critics’ Choice award nominations have been revealed and Into The Wild has smashed itself into contention, getting nods for Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Director, along with four others. However, it should be noted that the Critics’ Choice awards also gave five nominations to Hairspray, so there’s every chance that the voting panel is made up of buck-toothed idiots.

Sean Penn knows that he could make a film about a trumping monkey and it'd win all sorts of awards for its brave vision and the universal resonance of a monkey-fart as an allegory to the human condition. But so far this awards season, something has been up. The Sean Penn-directed Into The Wild hasn't been winning any awards, with all the gongs instead either going to There Will Be Blood or No Country For Old Men. Worried that Sean Penn is losing his magical touch? Don't be - the annual Critics' Choice award nominations have been revealed and Into The Wild has smashed itself into contention, getting nods for Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Director, along with four others. However, it should be noted that the Critics' Choice awards also gave five nominations to Hairspray, so there's every chance that the voting panel is made up of buck-toothed idiots.
0 comments Read more >>>

Next Entries →