When Sean Penn’s not being pestered by Scarlett Johansson on the rebound, he’s being all philanthropic and all that jive. Of course, having a political persuasion means you’ll rub some people up the wrong way and they shout at you.

Mercifully for Sean Penn, he’s a grade-a bitch. He has put-downs that could almost match the output of a drag queen convention.

And who found this out at their cost? Why, if it wasn’t a co-star of his who accused Penn of being a Communist. What fun!

You may or may not know or care, but Penn is a big supporter of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. He’s a red. And an old co-star of Sean’s, called Maria Conchita Alonso, took an opportunity to shoot her mouth off at the actor when she bumped into him at LAX.

Conchita, recounts the incident, said:

I said, ‘I would like to talk to you.’ He said, ‘Oh, it’s you. I have nothing to say to you. You speak badly about me.’ I said, ‘No, I don’t. I just say the truth. That you are a friend of Chavez and that he’s a good man. And that’s a lie. How can you do that?’

He said, ‘You are a pig!’ So I said, ‘And you are a Communist asshole!’

I was so angry and I had all this built inside me for so many years, and he calls me a pig. I just exploded. My mother was so happy, she wanted to clap.

Imagine that. Calling someone a crude name and your mother welling up with pride as she stands beside you. Something that hecklerspray is still waiting on.

Penn’s retort?

I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.

If you’re wondering – which you’re not – Alonso and Penn starred in Colors together.

Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. She showed them off to us by accident didn’t she? That’s probably the thing she’ll be remembered for when she dies. Boobs, oh and she did some films. Better to be remembered for titties than forgotten entirely, right?

Either way, we’re not here to talk about breasts all day. We’re talking marriage. Pull up a seat. Let’s get deep.

See, Scarlett is under the assumption that marrying Ryan Reynolds was one of the best decisions she ever made. She split with him after two years and made one of the most annoying perfume adverts in history. But it was still totally the best thing she ever did. Ryan Reynolds. Think about that.

Nothing good comes out of Ryan Reynolds. Literally. It’s all waste products, humid air and nincompoopery. He’s a dithering sack of shit with a granite hard torso and 14 inch skull.

Still, Johansson claims marrying the star of the ‘Green Lantern’ was the best thing she ever, ever did. Much better than the time she got with Sean Penn by sheer persistence.

She said:

“It was the best thing I ever did. I’m a big believer that when something feels right, you should do it.”

“I’m a big believer in instinct. Getting married was the right thing to do because it was natural. It grew out of romance and love and a desire to have a future with somebody, and I was very fortunate that I married somebody who turned out to be the person I thought he would be.”

So, how does one celebrate the love of the union of marriage? Why, you don’t spend any time together and, in the case of Scarlett, she wasn’t prepared to do the work necessary to keep their romance alive!

HURRAY!

Speaking to Cosmopolitan magazine, she said:

“Relationships are complicated. Being married is a living, breathing process. I think I was not fully aware of the peaks and the valleys. I wasn’t prepared to hunker down and do the work. Both of us were extremely busy. We spent so much time apart. It’s very difficult.”

Of course, marriage is a stupid, dangerous drug for those fearful of their own company, and hecklerspray advises that you don’t even try it. You saw Charlie Sheen when he was out of his mind on expensive drugs? Marriage turns you into a bigger dillweed than that!

Seriously. Go watch Bridezillas and hark at the endless identical baby pictures currently littering your Facebook feed.

Just. Say. No (preferably at the altar for maximum impact).

Ryan Reynolds – man that is made entirely of gym instructions – and Charlize Theron – a woman designed to occupy thongs – have apparently been dating for months, and were both so simple minded (much like cows in a field) that they forgot to tell anyone… including themselves.

A source close to the pair has revealed to at least four people who were half-listening, that the pair are officially ‘in a relationship’, telling reporters: “They’re exclusive, and it’s very hush-hush.”

Presumably, even Charlize Theron doesn’t want to admit that she’s going steady with the man responsible for the dreadful, dreadful Green Lantern film.

Thus far, the couple have managed to dodge photographers, but this could once again be down to immense stupidity. Rumour has it that the pair stood before a window of Curry’s, waving at all the cameras and presuming that they were getting vital publicity for their dismal projects.

However, things soon came to a stop as they were both distracted by a balloon and ran-after it, trying to grab the sky with their stupid, stupid hands.

The source adds:

“They’re both career-focused, but not in a crazy way. [Theron] won’t go to an event with him. That’s not her style.”

This is down to Theron’s fear of red carpets, which she still believes are made entirely of rocking horse blood. Meanwhile, Reynolds is still in contact with his ex wife, Scarlett Johansson, because he didn’t understand what she meant when she told him ‘I don’t love you anymore’.

Next week: Reynolds and Theron are told that ice cubes are made from very cold water.

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It’s nice to know that, even though you’re widely regarded to be one of the most beautiful humans who ever walked this pathetic excuse of a planet, you can still be hugely flawed and make an idiot of yourself before someone you really, really fancy.

We’re talking about Scarlett Johansson and her besottery with Sean Penn, perhaps one of the most baffling celebrity hook-ups in a decade, what with him having a face like wrinkled elbow-scrag.

See, it appears that the romance between the Hollywood beaut and the wizened actor had to die because Scarlett was into Penn way too much, leaving him widening his eyes and mouthing ‘What the f…’

It seems that our Scarlett was “besotted” with Penn, who didn’t need all that in his life, especially given that Johansson’s divorce hasn’t even gone through yet.

After a five-month affair, the pair knocked the relationship on the head, leaving everyone with a palpable sense of balance being restored in The Force.

A source, speaking with absolutely zero authority on the matter, says:

“Sean is simply not ready for a long-term or very serious relationship, given it’s too soon since he and Robin [Wright] divorced. Scarlett’s intensity just scared him – which is kind of funny, given how intense Sean is”

So what kind of intensity are we talking about here?

Well, apparently Scarlett just decided that she’d move in with Penn in his Los Angeles mansion, which is presumably still full of his ex-wife’s stuff… not to mention the echoes of Sean Penn crying “JESUS WEPT! SHE’S MOVED IN! I’VE ONLY KNOWN HER FIVE MINUTES! Great rack though… so… er… ”

A source close to Sean says that the actor started to “totally freak out” when “a very emotionally needy” Scarlett moved in.

Wow. Not just us then. Brill.

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You may well think that Scarlett Johansson is the most beautiful woman you’ve even seen, which probably means that you think you don’t stand a chance of ever making out with her. Well you do, because she’s decided to tap a troll-faced Sean Penn. Repeatedly. While Barack Obama watches on.

That’s right mingers, Johansson has long been rumoured to be swapping fluids with Penn, despite the fact he could curdle the vapour in the air with his foul face.

And while in the presence of President Obama, Mila Kunis and Donald Trump, Scarlett decided to indulge in a spot of heavy petting with Penn at Saturday’s White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington, D.C. Honestly. They were like teenagers at a roller disco, all grunting and dribbles.

One eye witness, desperate to tell anyone in earshot about the people they’d seen with more talent that them, breathlessly panted:

“It happened right as the main course of the dinner was being put on the table”

“Scarlett was pawing at Sean, holding on to his hip while he was smoking. She gave him a short kiss. But then they took a walk some 30 feet away, broke off from the group and kissed some more.”

What were they doing?! Did Penn get to second or third base in a hedge? Did they slope off and buy cheap booze and promise to make each other mix tapes? DID SEAN PENN SEE SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S BRA?

“Around 1 a.m. Sean and Scarlett were side by side for the rest of the night. When they were walking out the door, Sean stopped her, took off his jacket and put it on her shoulders, saying, ‘It’s cold out there.’ They then grabbed hands and walked out before 3 a.m.”

You may think that is a selfless act of chivalry. You couldn’t be more wrong. The ‘jacket over the shoulder’ trick is celebrity code for sex. The coat is a metaphor for the sheath worn by those not wanting to ride bareback in the sheets, the exposed shoulder being the recipients willingness to receive such ‘gentlemanly activity’.

So basically, Sean Penn told the world that he was off for some hardcore action with that woman you fancy.

But why did Penn attend at meeting at The Hill with all those politicians? Well, in what could easily be more celebrity code, he said:

“I’m mostly here for Haiti, and I want to help bring some attention to that crisis.”

We can’t even imagine what that could mean. You’re not even listening are you. You’re still thinking of Scarlett Johansson’s boobs aren’t you?

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Scarlett Johansson is rumoured to have been dating Sean Penn for the last two months. Therefore, it was no real surprise when there were pictures taken of the pair eating lunch together; lunch that had a happy ending; lunch for which she paid.

Well, cry yourself to sleep no more, dear hecklerspray reader/ squatter of the hecklerspray hovel. If the reaching rumours are true, you’ve just as good a shot as anyone at bedding the buxom baby Marilyn Monroe.

There were raised eyebrows at the news the 26-year-old and 50-year-old were less dating and more sleeping together for kicks and column inches. Our stomachs had just settled when these rumours were followed by ones of Scarlett dating Jason Sudeikis and flirting with Kevin Connolly.

Today, the bar’s been raised ever so slightly as Scarlett expands her bloke harem.

It’s being reported by New York’s Page Six that’s Scarlett’s dating Jeremy Renner; best known for his role in Oscar-winning Hurt Locker and that film about bank robbing nuns, or whatever, The Town.

After the two adults were foolishly seen standing near each other with drinks that were assumed to have lowered their inhibitions, it was decided they were sleeping together too.

From Page Six:

Following rumours of a hook-up with Sean Penn, Scarlett Johansson shared friendly drinks with “Hurt Locker” star Jeremy Renner Friday night. The pair, who appeared to be “good friends,” were spotted with a group at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont, just days after Johansson and Penn shared a cozy lunch at LA Cuban restaurant Versailles and then reportedly took an overnight getaway to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

See – we weren’t kidding about your odds. You’re going to need an Oscar to get your foot in the door, though.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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You probably fancy Scarlett Johansson, even though you might need three or four attempts at writing her name before you’re convinced you’ve done it correctly. Even so, you think ‘great rack!’ or whatever.

When she split with her husband Ryan ‘Who He?’, many of you will have started daydreaming about a time when maybe, just maybe, you might bump into her and you’ll fall in lust with each other for a night of passion.

Well forget about it. Why? Johnasson is apparently now stepping out with pumice faced thesp, Sean Penn. A man, we assume, is yearned for because of his talents.

Naturally, we have to make the obligatory mention of the age difference. Scarlett is, of course, ‘Fit Age’ and Sean is ‘Well Over One Hundred Years Old’ – he must be as he had sex with Madonna when she was but a itty bitty thing.

Apparently, Scarlett and Sean (a couple can’t merge the names of in a sufficiently tabloidy way, unless you don’t mind us calling them ‘Scean’, which sounds a bit like ‘Scone’) first bumped their uglies together in January while staying at LA’s notorious Chateau Marmont hotel.

We say ‘notorious’ but we have no idea why.

The pair apparently bonded over the completely erotic topic of charity work in Haiti. Yes, really. All that disaster is enough to give anyone a hard-on/wide-on right?

A source blithers:

‘Scarlett first reached out to Sean when she was planning to visit Haiti with Oxfam,’

‘She knew Sean was living there in a tent and turned to him for advice.’

Sorry? What? She fell for him because he was living in a tent? What is this? Hollywood A-List Hottie (trademark Nuts) falls for wealthy hobo?

The source adds:

‘Scarlett’s smitten with him’

So there you have it. Another couple who will get muttered at when they walk down the street together in a ‘what is she doing with that?! He looks like a perished shoe’.

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When Wyclef Jean announced that he was running for president of Haiti, everyone laughed. Surely he wasn’t being serious! What next? Pras Michel trying to be mayor of Trumpton? But he was. Very serious. Y’see, he really cares maaaan.

Yes indeed, the rapper and former Fugees one-timer made his first televised announcement of his bid for Haitian president last night on CNN.

And now, Sean Penn (what’s he got to do with it?! Read on, you’ll see) is wading in questioning his motives as a leader of a country on its knees.

Penn said:

“This is somebody who’s going to receive an enormous amount of support from the United States, and I have to say I’m very suspicious of it, simply because he, as an ambassador at large, has been virtually silent. For those of us in Haiti, he has been a non-presence.”

Penn, who has been active in Haiti since the earthquake, pointed toward allegations about Wyclef mishandling $400,000 worth of donated for the country through his Yele Haiti foundation.

“He claims he didn’t do it. That has to be looked into it. I’ve been there. I know what $400,000 could do for these people’s lives.”

Penn continued:

“I see in Wyclef Jean somebody who could well have been influenced by the promise of support of companies. I think Haiti is clearly vulnerable … There is a history of American interests coming in and underpaying people. This is a culture or one to two dollars a day, that they were making.”

He continued:

“I haven’t seen or heard anything of him in these last six months that I’ve been in Haiti. I think he’s an important voice. I hope he doesn’t sacrifice that voice by taking the eye off the very devastating realities on the ground. I want to see someone who’s really, really willing to sacrifice for their country, and not just someone who I personally saw with a vulgar entourage of vehicles that demonstrated a wealth in Haiti that, in context, I felt was a very obscene demonstration.”

So there. Consider yourself told Mr Jean.

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Anger is Sean Penn’s joker, his raison d’etre. Take away Sean Penn’s anger and what are you left with?

A dour-looking Mr Punch puppet. And you wouldn’t want to watch any film starring a dour Mr Punch puppet. Not even if it was about a gay politician or a man with a mental illness or whatever the hell else Sean Penn wins all those Oscars for. Anyway, the point is this – only a fool would order Sean Penn to manage his anger. It’d be like breaking a butterfly on a wheel, albeit a grumpy butterfly with a face like a shoehorn.

And yet that’s what a Los Angeles judge has done. After pleading no contest to kicking a photographer and breaking his camera last year, Sean Penn has been sentenced to community service and anger management. That’s anger management the thing, not Anger Management the Adam Sandler film. That would have been so much worse.

As a self-styled Hollywood bad boy, you never know exactly what Sean Penn will do next – chances are that it’ll involve starring in a tedious, over-sincere film about Very Important Issues, probably with Susan Sarandon, but even that’s not guaranteed. Maybe Sean Penn will split up with his wife, or get back together with his wife, or split up with his wife again. Or maybe he’ll beat up a photographer. You just never know. He’s crazy like that.

In fact, beating up a photographer is what Sean Penn did at a shopping centre in Los Angeles last year, and yesterday – following a bout of bargaining, his case came up in court. Reuters reports:

The Oscar-winning actor, pleaded no contest to a single count of misdemeanor vandalism in the case in which he was accused of kicking a photographer and breaking his camera. A judge ordered Penn, 49, who was not in court for the hearing, to perform 300 hours of community service and undergo 36 hours of anger management counseling.

Now that might sound like he got off lightly – after all, he avoided a jail sentence, and community service should be a breeze unless they decide to tie him to the back of a tractor and use his chin as a plough or whatever – but anger management is going to damage Sean Penn’s career beyond all recognition. We know what’ll happen next, you see.

Inspired by his time spent learning unsubstantial breathing exercises in a room full of other minor criminals, Sean Penn is bound to eventually write and star in a film about the travails of the anger management experience. Which would be bad enough as it is, but this would be a Sean Penn movie about the anger management experience, so it’d be four hours long and full of all kinds of protracted, painfully worthy speeches about how evil the government is. We hope you’re happy with what you’ve done, anonymous Los Angeles judge. May God have mercy on your soul.

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Sean Penn’s had tough year – his protracted divorce must have left him feeling emotionally exhausted, a shell of a… hang on.

Sean Penn’s bonking a model? A Sports Illustrated model who’s easily young enough to be his daughter? Oh. Apparently Sean Penn was seen with Jessica White last weekend, leading to speculation that his divorce is final.

True, it’s also led to speculation that Sean Penn is going through a gigantic mid-life crisis and the next thing you know he’ll have grown a ponytail, bought a pair of leather trousers and pretended to like N-Dubz, but that’s by the by.

We’re starting to suspect that Sean Penn hates us, you know. This year has been a non-stop downer thanks to the recession and the terrifying proliferation of celebrity deaths, but there was one beacon of hope keeping us going – Sean Penn’s on-and-off divorce from Robin Wright Penn. First Sean Penn was getting divorced, then he decided to call it off, then he decided to divorce her again, then he called it off and temporarily quit acting to focus on his personal life, then he decided to divorce her again. It was hilarious. But now Sean Penn has put an end to our fun, the bastard.

Because Sean Penn has been seen stepping out with a woman named Jessica White, who is famed for her ability to wear bikinis and the fact that she’s almost exactly half the age of Sean Penn. Here’s how the New York Daily News reported the new relationship:

The couple was reportedly spotted Friday night having an intimate chicken dinner at Hotel Griffou, where they knocked back vodka and seemed very comfortable with each other. “They were holding hands,” a witness said. “They seemed really into each other. She was laying on him. She was laying on his shoulder. He seemed really into her.” A source says … “She wants to get serious with him.”

Ah, chicken and vodka. No wonder she was all over him – it’s a classic combination. That’s why so many of our dating experiences have ended with us drunkenly vomiting into a bin in the alley next to KFC. Sean Penn is one classy guy.

Anyway, we’re wrong to mock, because it seems like Sean Penn and Jessica White have got the perfect relationship. They both love each other for who they are and not, say, because Sean Penn is a powerful Hollywood actor and director who’d easily be able to kickstart a struggling model’s movie career, or because Jessica White is a pretty young girl who’s so dazzled by fame and material wealth that she’d end up having it off with a man who looks like a flood-damaged Mr Punch statue that’s been carved out of a turnip.

Probably.

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Warning: prepare to disregard this story when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn inevitably get back together next week.

Because, come on, who are they kidding? We’d say that you’d be able to set your watch by the regularity in which Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn almost get divorced and then call it off, but it would be false – you can’t set your watch by it because science has yet to develop a way to accurately measure increments of time that microscopic.

Anyway, that’s the news – Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have filed for divorce again. Again. Again.

Slowly but surely, Sean Penn’s life is turning into something resembling Sean Penn’s movie career. That’s not to say it’s exciting or dramatic or full of intense scenes of gut-wrenching emotion, though – more that it’s dull, repetitive and given far more attention than it really warrants.

And that’s mainly because Sean Penn and his sort-of technically-still wife Robin Wright Penn still can’t make up their titting minds whether they want to get divorced or not. You may remember the time in 2007 when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn decided to get divorced in a move that probably wasn’t caused by Sienna Miller, although it’s fun to blame her anyway. And if you remember that, you’ll remember Sean and Robin deciding to call it all off a little while later.

And then you might remember the time four months ago when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn filed for divorce again, only to call it off again a few days later. Well, guess what – Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are filing for divorce. No, really, this time they mean it, although presumably they reserve the right to make a humiliating back-down by teatime. People reports:

Robin Wright Penn has filed for divorce from her husband Sean Penn, PEOPLE has learned.  The papers state that “both parties have already agreed to [shared] custody” over their minor son, Hopper Jack, 16, and that “the estranged couple have already agreed to division of all property.” The reason for the split is listed as “irreconcilable differences.”

Now don’t take that last sentence too seriously. You know that divorcing couples only have a limited number of options to use as the cause for their split, and ‘irreconcilable differences’ was simply the closest option to their real reason, which is either ‘probably concilable differences’ or ‘something to pass the time before Cash In The Attic comes on the telly’.

But still, let’s hope that this time Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have made a final decision about the state of their marriage, and that they’ll be able to both positively move on from here. They’d better, because talking about all their constant divorces and un-divorces is making us feel like we’re trapped in a hall of mirrors. And you definitely don’t want to be in a hall of mirrors with Sean Penn. Imagine all those gigantic chins everywhere. It’d be nightmarish.

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Sean Penn! Come back! We forgive you for everything! But come back! We need you now more than ever!

Sean Penn has literally picked the worst time ever to take a career break. You see, it’s just been announced that at next year’s Oscars, 10 movies will be nominated for best picture instead of five. That means Hollywood needs to make twice as many drearily highbrow movies about either civil rights, the horrors or war or mental illness to fill the nominations quota.

Otherwise, God help us, a film that people actually enjoy might be nominated. Sean Penn, we’re begging you.

Remember all the fuss that was made at last year’s Oscars when The Dark Knight wasn’t nominated for best picture? It was shocking, and it was absolutely the fault of the Oscars. It wasn’t that the film went on for a bit too long, or that people pretended to like it more than they really did because Heath Ledger died, or that nobody could understand what the lead character was saying at any given point in time because he was intent on doing the world’s longest impression of Phil Mitchell straining for a poo – it happened because the Oscars hate films that people like.

But to be fair to the academy, its hands were tied. It couldn’t nominate The Dark Knight for best picture because there were only five nomination spots – and Oscar rules clearly state that preference should be given to films about the Holocaust, gay rights, ethnic minorities, infamous real-life politicians and muddled adaptations of literary works. So between The Reader, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, Frost/Nixon and The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, that didn’t leave any room for The Dark Knight.

But next year? Next year things are going to be different. For seemingly no reason whatsoever, it’s been announced that the number of best picture nominees will double to 10 at next year’s Oscars. The LA Times reports:

The change is a direct result of a two-year, in-house search for ways to broaden the appeal of the show, and with good reason — viewership is sagging. “Last year there were more movies that I thought might have fit in the nominations,” Academy President Sid Ganis said Wednesday, acknowledging that hits such as “Iron Man,” “The Dark Knight” and “Tropic Thunder” resonated far more with moviegoers than with academy voters.

It makes so much sense – from now on the academy will be able to nominate a whole new wave of populist, audience-pleasing movies and still end up giving the best picture Oscar to the same highbrow, barely-watched, uncomfortably bleak biopic of a disabled celebrity that it always does. Everyone’s a winner.

Or maybe we’re being cynical. Maybe next year the Oscars really will start to focus on movies that audiences like. And maybe it can introduce a best haircut Oscar while it’s at it. And an Oscar for the star with the winningest smile. And Twilight can win everything. Oh, what fun it’ll be.

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Possibly in a bid to prove once and for all that filming the movie Milk didn’t really turn him gay, Sean Penn has decided to call off his legal separation from his big, fat, ugly wife.

For the record, the woman is probably small, thin and pretty – but wife-compliments are just the kind of thing Sean doesn’t allow people to throw around in his wife’s presence.

That’s why she was leaving him, we heard. We didn’t really hear that.

“I work hard all day, & when I come home all I want is a hot meal waiting for me and perhaps the sports-score section of the newspaper. Is that too much to ask? And by the way – your face is like 70% crows feet! Hag!”

Well that’s just the sort of talk you won’t find floating around the Penn house anymore. That’s because Sean Penn and his wife Beverly Butt Crack Magillicutty-Penn are currently reconciling again.

Please don’t make us check on her real name. Just take it.

News of their new found-again marital bliss may seem like deja vu. Well that’s because it’s already happened like a dozen times. Do you doubt our count? No really – sift them with us:

12: There’s the time he maybe left her for Sienna Miller

11: There’s the time he left her for a mule that he and Sienna rode on their second date

10: There’s the time he left her for A-Rod

11: There’s the time he left her for not getting mad enough when he left her for A-Rod

12: There’s the time he left her for a discounted turkey sandwich

13: There’s the time he left her not necessarily for any specific one person or sandwich, but because he wanted to take a year off to make steamy love to several hard working otters. We heard he was impressed because they seem so industrious.

Well look at that – there were thirteen instances. We must of missed one in our initial count.

Our legal department says some of those might be speculation-based. You know what’s not speculation? The fact that he had filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences recently. Well he’s calling it off again. People.com‘s got the skinny:

“The Oscar-winning actor filed a request Tuesday to dismiss his legal separation case, Marin County, Calif., court records show. “This appears to imply that they’re reconciling again,” says L.A. divorce lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case. “It’s unlikely Sean Penn would request a dismissal for any other reason.” This is the second [read 13th] time the actor has rescinded divorce papers. Penn, 48, and Wright Penn, 43, started divorce proceedings in December 2007 after 11 years of marriage.”

Well all’s good in the Penn household. Until the next time he wants to watch that Deadliest Catch episode he DVRd like two weeks ago but she won’t let him because she’s in the middle of a Scooby-Doo on Monster Island marathon.

That’s the exact reason our parents split, incidentally. We’re just saying Penns – if you really want things to work maybe you should buy a second television. Or check out Hulu.

We hear they have quite a show selection.

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We’d imagine that Sean Penn is hard to live with. Not because of his brooding intensity. Forget all that nonsense.

No, we’d imagine that Sean Penn is hard to live with because you’d be tripping over his weird Mr Punch chin all the time. It’d be a nightmare. Any time you managed to carry a tray with a jug of orange juice on it from the kitchen to the living room without tripping over Sean Penn’s chin would count as a massive victory.

And that’s why Sean Penn and his wife have filed for legal separation. Exactly that. We imagine.

Sean Penn isn’t a man who likes to repeat himself. For instance, after he married Madonna he didn’t then go onto marry another tiny old lady with a silly British accent and a vagina that’s visible from space. And his film roles are all completely different, too – one minute he’ll play an anguished, emotionally-tortured murderer; then he’ll play an anguished, emotionally-tortured ex-con. See? Completely different.

So it’s a little strange to see Sean Penn start to repeating himself almost exactly now. You may remember that in 2007 Sean Penn separated from his wife Robin Wright Penn in 2007, possibly because of Sienna Miller but probably because of Sean Penn’s weird Mr Punch chin, before they suddenly changed their minds a few months later and got back together again. Well guess what’s just happened.

That’s right, Sean Penn has had another go at filing for legal separation from Robin Wright Penn. The Times reports:

The Milk actor blamed “irreconcilable differences” in papers filed in Marin County, near San Francisco last week. He is seeking joint custody of the couple’s two teenage children and asking the court to waive spousal support. With long film careers behind them, any divorce settlement would involve millions.

It was hard to tell, but there have been signs that all were not well between Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn. For instance, Sean Penn conspicuously forgot to mention his wife during his Oscars acceptance speech this year, and also THEY ALREADY FILED FOR DIVORCE ONCE BEFORE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO. You need eagle eyes to pick up intermarital stresses like this, so don’t beat yourself up if you missed them. OK, beat yourself up a bit.

Anyway, we can’t help feeling that this divorce is the worst possible thing that Sean Penn could do. What if he finds that his mood is lightened by freedom of singledom? That’d be the end of his career, surely? It was bad enough watching him smile twice in Milk, so God knows what’ll happen if he actually decides to laugh on camera. It’s too horrifying to contemplate.

Also, Sean Penn would be screwing his wife over if he moved out of their marital home. Between the weight of his awards and the weight of his ego, he’s probably buggered the foundations right up. Plus nobody wants to live in a house with chin-grooves scored into it, do they?

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Oh Oscars, how could you? Up in chihuahua heaven, little Loki Rourke is in floods. Floods. Are you happy now?

You’d better be. Because, even though he’s won every single other award on the face of the Earth for The Wrestler, the Oscars have just decided to snub Mickey Rourke and give the Best Actor trophy to Sean Penn. Honestly Oscars, when Mickey Rourke goes off the rails again and ends up starring in Sylvester Stallone‘s Get Carter 2, the blood will be on your hands.

Also, Slumdog Millionaire won a bunch of Oscars, which is a great surprise to… oh, nobody.

Prior to Oscars, all the bookies were saying that the big awards were all sewn up. And, mostly, they were. What’s more, all the reactions to the big awards were sewn up too -

* Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture and Best Director, and Danny Boyle looked like the happiest Morrissey impersonator on Earth on both occasions;

* Kate Winslet won Best Actress and immediately flew into her ‘asthma sufferer you’d most like to punch’ shtick;

* Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor and accepted the award in person, admitting that his accidental suicide was simply a ploy to win an Oscar;

* Mickey Rourke won Best Actor and… hey, wait a minute! Mickey Rourke didn’t win Best Actor at all.

Even though he was the critical and public favourite for the best actor Oscar, the Academy decided that the last thing it wanted to hear was another bloody eulogy for a dead chihuahua and gave the Best Actor Oscar to Sean Penn for his role in Milk instead.

Then again, it all seems so obvious in retrospect. The Oscars love Sean Penn. If Sean Penn did a fart in a ziploc bag, he’d probably get an Oscar for it. Because when Sean Penn wins an Oscar, you know you’re going to get a dangerously sincere acceptance speech about cinema’s ability to weave itself into the fabric of the national consciousness, and that tends to ease moviestars’ guilt about being paid millions of dollars to memorise a handful of words in the right order once a year.

Also, Sean Penn won his Best Actor Oscar for Milk, which allowed the Academy to register its disappointment of the passing of Proposition 8 in California last year. So now the entire television audience of The Oscars – essentially a dwindling handful of gay men and nobody else – know that some actors think Proposition 8 is bad. Thank God for that.

Also, did you see The Oscars? What with Sophia Loren, that man who balanced his Oscar upside down on his chin and Hugh Jackman’s big gurning head on top of that little puppet body, these were probably the gayest Oscars in living memory. At least Sean Penn’s victory was a decent fit.

But, despite this upset, the 2009 Oscars will go down in history as the Slumdog Millionaire Oscars. Actually, no, who are we kidding? They’ll go down in history as the Oscars where it looked like Angelina Jolie was cackling at Jennifer Aniston‘s inability to talk properly. Something tells us you’ll be hearing more about this soon.

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