Sean Penn: Attaboy Sean Penn's had tough year - his protracted divorce must have left him feeling emotionally exhausted, a shell of a... hang on. Sean Penn's bonking a model? A Sports Illustrated model who's easily young enough to be his daughter? Oh. Apparently Sean Penn was seen with Jessica White last weekend, leading to speculation that his divorce is final. True, it's also led to speculation that Sean Penn is going through a gigantic mid-life crisis and the next thing you know he'll have grown a ponytail, bought a pair of leather trousers and pretended to like N-Dubz, but that's by the by.

Sean Penn & Robin Wright Penn Divorce For The Million Billionth Time Warning: prepare to disregard this story when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn inevitably get back together next week. Because, come on, who are they kidding? We'd say that you'd be able to set your watch by the regularity in which Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn almost get divorced and then call it off, but it would be false - you can't set your watch by it because science has yet to develop a way to accurately measure increments of time that microscopic. Anyway, that's the news - Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have filed for divorce again. Again. Again.

Oscars: Every Film Ever To Get Nominated For Best Picture Now Sean Penn! Come back! We forgive you for everything! But come back! We need you now more than ever! Sean Penn has literally picked the worst time ever to take a career break. You see, it's just been announced that at next year's Oscars, 10 movies will be nominated for best picture instead of five. That means Hollywood needs to make twice as many drearily highbrow movies about either civil rights, the horrors or war or mental illness to fill the nominations quota. Otherwise, God help us, a film that people actually enjoy might be nominated. Sean Penn, we're begging you.

Sean Penn Calls Off His Wife-Split Again, Again, Again Possibly in a bid to prove once and for all that filming the movie Milk didn't really turn him gay, Sean Penn has decided to call off his legal separation from his big, fat, ugly wife. For the record, the woman is probably small, thin and pretty - but wife-compliments are just the kind of thing Sean doesn't allow people to throw around in his wife's presence. That's why she was leaving him, we heard. We didn't really hear that.

Sean Penn Splits Up With His Wife Again, Again, Again We'd imagine that Sean Penn is hard to live with. Not because of his brooding intensity. Forget all that nonsense. No, we'd imagine that Sean Penn is hard to live with because you'd be tripping over his weird Mr Punch chin all the time. It'd be a nightmare. Any time you managed to carry a tray with a jug of orange juice on it from the kitchen to the living room without tripping over Sean Penn's chin would count as a massive victory. And that's why Sean Penn and his wife have filed for legal separation. Exactly that. We imagine.

Oscars: Slumdog Millionaire Wins (Yay), Also Sean Penn (Boo) Oh Oscars, how could you? Up in chihuahua heaven, little Loki Rourke is in floods. Floods. Are you happy now? You'd better be. Because, even though he's won every single other award on the face of the Earth for The Wrestler, the Oscars have just decided to snub Mickey Rourke and give the Best Actor trophy to Sean Penn. Honestly Oscars, when Mickey Rourke goes off the rails again and ends up starring in Sylvester Stallone's Get Carter 2, the blood will be on your hands. Also, Slumdog Millionaire won a bunch of Oscars, which is a great surprise to... oh, nobody.

Sean Penn Doesn’t Want To Divorce His Wife Any More The Sean Penn/ Robin Wright Penn divorce was the one divorce that everyone was looking forward to, but now the bastards have spoilt it. How? By flipping well falling back in love again, that's how. Although they filed for divorce in December, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have now decided to call the divorce off so that they can sit around kissing and holding hands for the indefinite future. We feel sick - this isn't how Hollywood marriages are supposed to go at all. Where's the infidelity, the bitterness, the petty public games of one-upmanship? Where, damn it, is the embarrassing sexual encounter with the seven-foot transsexual hooker? Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn, your happiness infuriates us.

Did Sienna Miller Bugger Up Sean Penn’s Marriage?

Now, being married to Sean Penn must be crap at the best of times - it'd be like living with an intense, chainsmoking tramp who won't stop ranting away in the background about the war from morning until night.

But imagine if you're married to Sean Penn and all of a sudden Sienna Miller starts openly flirting with him. Would you smash Sienna's pointless little face in? Would you just be thankful that he'd stopped the war-ranting for a handful of joyous seconds? Or would you just divorce Sean Penn?

Sean Penn's wife did the last one, apparently. Lazy bitch - she could have at least tried the first one while she was at it.