So you played online poker for three hours and won a sum that a Polish minimum wage employee would snort derisively at.

The disappointment you feel could not compare to that of these fine gentlemen of film after learning what the wardrobe department had in store for them. We’ve all had to wear tights for one reason or another in our life, but even the butchest of men struggle to pull off these fashion faux pas.

So kick-starting the list is a man who drinks ugly and craps failure…

5: Mickey Rourke – Iron Man 2

Wearing some sort of contortion device normally found in David Carridine’s wardrobe, Mickey Rourke seems to be going bondage in next year’s Iron Man 2.

4: Sylvester Stallone – Rocky III

More a tragic reminder of a time when this sort of fitness fashion was acceptable than anything else! Still, Stallone manages to put some camp into the third Rocky film numerous times during the montage as he changes his vest, each time getting smaller and more colourful *shudder*.

Number 3: Sting – Dune

Some valid debate as to whether Sting qualifies as ‘manly’ in the first place. Either way this costume made Sting look like a ginger, bullied, repressed homosexual Gollum.

Number 2: George Clooney – Batman and Robin

We doth my cap to the costume designer on this film – she made Schwarzenegger look like a (Ice) berk but that doesn’t compare to Clooney’s horrific ordeal. Is it cold in the Batsuit? It must be with those razor-sharp nips flying out! Matching codpiece doesn’t help matters, thus turning comic’s most feared Dark Knight into a bigger camp icon than Robin.

Number 1: Sean Connery - Zardoz

It was an obvious choice but the Scotsman has formed a career on his dripping bravado with misogynistic glee. Then came this costume choice from the (thankfully) forgotten Zardoz. Rumours of Connery being incontinent at the time of filming prompting this choice remain unfounded…

Agree? Disagree? Think there is a man more deserved of the crown than these bunch of camp crusaders? Let us know below…

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Or at least that’s the theory. Having allegedly made enemies of his friends, neighbours and everyone who’s ever seen Zardoz from start to finish, Sean Connery has now apparently turned on his son Jason.

According to a book written by his ex-wife Diane Cilento, Sean Connery’s tricks have included removing Jason from his will and threatening to kill him during an argument about his name.

Apparently, it was all an effort to get Jason to stand on his own two feet, and it worked – without Sean’s help Jason would have never founded the My Dad’s A Miserly Bald Sod Who Inexplicably Wants Me Dead support group. Thanks Sean!

Sean Connery has had a life so completely different to ours that it’s hard to get a handle on the man. For instance, we haven’t been megastars for almost 50 years and he has, we’re not 77-year-old Scots and he is, and we’ve never been publicly referred to as a ‘rude, foul-mouthed fat old man’ by people we live near.

Sean Connery, as if you need to be told, apparently has.

What we’re trying to say is that it’s difficult for us to understand why Sean Connery does some of the crazy, anti-social things he allegedly does. Perhaps he’s got perfectly decent explanations for them all.

Perhaps, for instance, Sean Connery only allegedly punched his wife because she was a massive bitch. Nobody thinks of that, do they?

And maybe Sean Connery only decided to write his son Jason out of his will and threaten to kill him because he’s a useless layabout who wouldn’t know a decent day’s work if it came up and sliced his nipples off and who’ll never be as good at anything as Sean Connery because Sean Connery is 100% Sean Connery and Jason Connery will only ever be 50% Sean Connery at best.

That claim – the one about Jason Connery being disinherited – is made in a new book by Diane Cilento, the ex-wife who Sean Connery apparently slapped around a bit. According to Cilento, Sean and Jason fell out over an acting role, as The Sun reports:

“Sean said, ‘You only got this job (an acting role) because your name’s Connery,’” said Cilento. “Jason said, ‘Well, I’ll change it to something else.’ Sean said, ‘If you do that I’ll fucking kill you.’ Jason loves him but Sean has a problem about relationships, as everybody round him knows.”

We should probably remember that – although it’s not an impossible stretch to see Sean Connery as a cranky, foul-tempered, old bastard – this is from a book written by a woman with a grudge, so maybe it should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Still, we’d be eager to discover which acting role it was that caused the schism between the Connerys. Was it Jason’s role as James Dunham in one episode of Casualty 11 years ago? Or his turn as Professor Joel Barash in Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates Of Hell? Maybe it was Jason’s critically-acclaimed role as Bennington in the seminal TV show Mary Kate And Ashley In Action!

Because if it was that last one, there’s no way that being Sean Connery’s son affected his casting. No, he got that role the old-fashioned way – by being the only actor alive prepared to degrade himself enough to star in a Mary Kate and Ashley TV show. We hope Sean Connery feels very silly indeed now.

Face it – you'd have that huge Aston Martin clogging up the driveway, a never-ending stream of Martini supply trucks dropping stuff off and the occasional coroner popping round to have a peek at dead ladies covered in gold paint. Not to mention the fact that he'd be looking all suave and ladykiller-like all the time, constantly showing off beautiful girlfriends like Eva Mendes while – in stark contrast – you have to settle for some slapper you met in Wetherspoons who looks a bit like the Cadbury's Mini Eggs parrot.

Luckily, of course, Bond is simply a fictional character. You'd never have such trouble if you lived next to, say, actor Sean Connery, would you? Of course not – he'd be like a benevolent old uncle, constantly popping round from the flat upstairs to give you tins of shortbread and perform entertaining highland jigs when there's nothing on television.

You'd think that, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Hell yes you would – and you'd quite literally be the wrongest person in the whole wide world for doing so.

Connery, you see, is apparently a bit of an ordeal. He and his New York neighbour are continually at each other's throats, and we don't mean in an amusing, they-love-each-other-really 70s sitcom sort of way. Oh no – they mean business.

Connery occupies the top two floors of an Upper East Side townhouse, while the bottom four floors are inhabited by  Dr. Burton Sultan and his family. Seany-boy isn't too happy with this arrangement, though: he wants the whole bloody building to himself, presumably so he can stockpile every existing copy of Zardoz in there and then blow the place up.

Apparently a letter from Connery's lawyer has surfaced, which reveals some dastardly plans:

"I think if we tie him (Sultan) up in several lawsuits, hopefully this will either permanently subdue him, or drive him out of the building."

It isn't all one-way traffic, though. Dr. Sultan himself has taken legal action in the past, and one of these lawsuits labelled Connery thus:

"A rude, foul-mouthed, fat old man who plays loud music all the time while stomping about the apartment."

If hecklerspray was in Sultan's shoes, we'd be looking for a new place to live. Not because we're intimidated by Connery's gruff reputation, of course – we'd just be more worried that whatever insanity led him to make Entrapment might be contagious, and before too long we'd be engaged in all sorts of mediocre, badly-scripted action sequences.

And after that remake of National Treasure we just did, that's the last thing we'd want.

Read More:

Sean Connery branded neighbour from hell in ongoing property row - Daily Mail