Everybody on twitter (yaa boo, sucks to you) is muttering about the UK Citizenship Test. This is the test that is flung in the face of immigrants with a look of “Go on. How much do you love tedious facts about the UK?”

There’s questions about the number of constituencies we have and the like. Of course, no right minded UK citizen would know that. Only a complete bell-end would.

And so, with people who have lived in the UK roundly failing the test (us included), we’ve decided to make a citizenship test that actually works, filled with questions about things that are unique to this stupid collection of horrible countries and provinces. See how well you fare over the jump, scum.

Before we start, if you’d like to try your hand at the official UK Citizenship Test, you’ll find 24 impossible questions over at ukcitizenshiptest.co.uk

If you’ve followed that link and failed miserably, try our questions on for size.

Obviously, they’re much more relevant to being One Of Us than any stupid set of questions set by some faceless goon in a drab grey suit in some beige office somewhere.

Okay? LETZGO!

1. Everybody hates?

a) Chris.

b) Man United

2. When holidaying outside of the UK, what is the best way to converse with foreigners?

a) Learn key phrases and try your best to join in.

b) Shout loudly in English while horrifically drunk while wiping the fried egg from your football shirt.

3. What is the best way of finding out whether someone from Northern Ireland is Catholic or Protestant?

a) Engage them in conversation about The Troubles and, without judging them, ask which side of the fence they happen to be on without assuming they’re all terrorists.

b) Ask them if they support Celtic or Rangers.

4. What’s the difference between Rugby Union and Rugby League?

a) Geographical and class differences are often cited, but really, it’s a slight difference in rules.

b) They’re both stupid sports for idiots, so who really cares?

5.What do you think of the Royal Family?

a) They’re a fabulous institution.

b) Kill them. All of them.

6. What is irony?

a) A use of words which convey a meaning that is the opposite of the literal meaning, used for comedic effect. Often confused with sarcasm.

b) Typing LOL at the end of tweets.

7. What is suitable summer wear in the UK?

a) Linen trousers. Straw boaters. Striped blazers. Anything that goes with Pimms and a dappled day.

b) Deep sea diver outfit.

8. You meet a Welshman. What do you say?

a) Bore da! Twll dîn pob Sais!

b) Anything that implies they have sexual relations with sheep.

9. The Scottish are best known for what?

a) A wicked sense of humour, ruddy faces and a people of innovation and industry.

b) Alcoholics.

10. What do English people think of other English people?

a) They identify with each other and embrace the similarities and differences, acknowledging the wide gene pool which made the nation so powerful over the centuries.

b) Unequivocal hatred, regardless.

10. What is the pinnacle of the UK’s achievements?

a) Huge leaps in medicine, industry and technology. The UK is a leader, always willing to adapt to change.

b) Only Fools and Horses.

11. The X Factor is watched by?

a) A huge number of people who are interested in the juxtaposition between a televised talent show and the reality format made famous by shows like Big Brother.

b) People who hate it.

12. If England celebrated St George’s Day, it would do it how?

a) A uniquely English and eccentric celebration of folk traditions like Morris Dancing, followed by the drinking of real ale and singing of ancient English folk songs. Just like the Irish and Scottish do when celebrating their own heritage!

b) Middle eastern kebabs, Belgian lager, American pop music and overt racism.

13. Politicians are defined how?

a) Groups of people unified by their collective ideologies who aim to look after everyone in the UK the best they can.

b) They’re all posh liars.

14. Teachers have it easy. They do sod-all work and have loads of holidays. GCSEs are too easy as well. We’d be better off without them. Shirkers and hippies the lot of ‘em.

a) False

b) True

15. Sexism is…?

a) A problem that is being taken very seriously by citizens of the UK. Progress is being made toward breaking the ‘glass-ceiling’.

b) Funny and prevalent on British gameshows.

16. People in the UK see their cars as an absolute and divine right. Walking is for losers. Petrol should be really cheap as well, regardless of the fact there’s about a litre of it left.

a) False

b) True

17. Eurovision?

a) A fun night in watching music from all over Europe.

b) It’s a fix. Stupid foreigners and their tactical voting. Also, bring back Wogan.

18. In the mornings, UK residents sit down and watch a man called Jeremy Kyle berate working-class people in such a manner that one judge called the whole spectacle ‘human bear-baiting’. Despite being one of the most appalling humans to have ever grace television screen, Jeremy Kyle is well-paid and keeps getting more work.

a) False

b) True

19. The London 2012 games is a huge source of pride for UK residents.

a) Of course it is. The Olympics is an amazing showcase of human endeavour and achievement. To host it is an honour that will resonate for centuries.

b) It’s going to be awful and we will absolutely cock it up.

20. Calling someone who is to the left of the political spectrum ‘liberal’ is a gigantic insult.

a) False

b) True

21. When a famous person dies, what is the first thing you should do?

a) Take a moment of reflection to ponder on what they gave to us and think about our own mortality.

b) Compose a humorous text or tweet.

22. What is the main appeal of cricket?

a) It’s a wonderful game of tactics, flair and patience.

b) It sounds nice when they hit the ball.

23. What does the editorial policy of the Daily Mail?

a) To cover current events and affairs in an even handed way, with a slight leaning to the right of the political spectrum.

b) Free CDs and fear.

24. Do you like queuing?

a) No. It’s a pain.

b) Yes. Complaining is great too. Can I do both at the same time please?

If you answered mostly As, then sorry. You’ll have to go back to whichever country you came. You clearly haven’t been paying attention.

If you answered mostly Bs, then here’s your pint of Stella and fondness for pie. Welcome aboard!

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Blue’s fairly average effort at the Eurovision Song Contest over the weekend, in which they discussed the merits of a mysterious figure named ‘Ican’, brought to light an interesting political phenomenon north of the border (in Scotland, yeah?).

On realizing that even Jedward were better than the UK entry, several sources on the Twitter could be heard muttering darkly that this was as good a reason as any to vote ‘yes’ to Independence in Big Eck’s referendum.

A lot of people in Scotland will tell you they voted SNP t’other week on the grounds that they did a pretty decent job of the last four months in government; because their traditional faith in the Lib Dems has been bummed to within an inch of its life; or because they were inherently disgusted by the prospect of Labour leader Iain Gray’s toupee-like hair representing the nation at international events, behaving like a ferret on ketamine. But that’s all lies. What the Scottish people really want is to be able to put forward their own entry to the Eurovision.

‘Just imagine it,’ voters whispered dreamily to themselves at polling stations up and down the country, ‘if we were independent from the rest of the UK, we could alternate SuBo and The Proclaimers year after year, winning every competition and building our entire infrastructure around sequins, pyrotechnics and wind machines. The ship yards could reopen, but instead of building boring old ships, hundreds of big beefy men would be crafting set pieces for the show.’

And think of the VT interludes! What a chance to show the country in all its wonderful independent diversity. The West Highland way, littered with the forgotten bones of English ramblers. Highrise tower blocks stand out dramatically against dusky pink sunsets, the cries of agoraphobic elderly tenants faintly discernible above the howling of the gulls. Homeless people line the streets, picking at the remains of discarded Mars bar suppers before organizing a rendition of Auld Lang Syne as one performs a shuffling pas-de-basques.

Our prodigal sons could return home, too. A source lied,

“Alan Cumming freakin’ hates living in New York. How could the bright lights of the Big Apple possibly compare to the bustling nightlife of Kirckaldy?”

Meanwhile we have it on authority that if Sir Sean of Connery has to eat any more paella in his tax-free Spanish villa, he’ll likely explode from boredom. A Scottish Eurovision entry could save him that pain, giving him reason to live again. Maybe he’d even return to acting, and goodness knows we need performers of his versatility to whip amateurish youngsters like James Franco and Jesse Eisenberg into shape.

So watch out, Europe. Pending a successful referendum and several severe changes to the Scotland Act that would have to be approved by both the Queen and the decisively unionist Prime Minister David Cameron, an independent Scotland will be coming atcha in 4-5 years with the catchiest entry since Waterloo.

Imagine, a Scottish hosted Eurovision. It’s a wonderful dream. And this might even be the song to take us there.

This was a guest post by Ali George, and it’s not racist cause she’s as Scottish as kilts and castles, and writes words over at 12books12months

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Ghosts have been known to haunt a lot of things. Old houses, hotels and battlefields are among the most popular. They’ve been known to bedevil grave yards, dilapidated restaurants – and in just one recorded instance – the swollen balls of a silverback gorilla. Now that’s an episode of ghost hunters we’d actually watch.

Now we’re hearing a strange story out of Scotland about an old, old unplugged radio that’s picking up long dead radio transmissions.

The Scottish Heritage Centre is a museum built on an old airbase to “[tell] the story of the men and women who served there.” That story, as we understand it, is a blatant rip off of All My Children season 23 with two exceptions – their version of Erica Cane lived a long fulfilling life with less than two dozen husbands, and the former airbase is packed full of ghostly ghouls.

According to X News Now:

“The aerodrome has been a source of paranormal sightings and sounds for nearly a century, with reports of ghostly figures, eerie footsteps and door handles turning…”

Now we haven’t necessarily been able to find any specific sighting accounts of anyone’s run-in with a see-through spectre, but they have something else that’s making headlines about now.

A haunted radio. This seems to have plenty of witnessy corroboration, as per STV’s website:

“The vintage radio set is kept in a recreation of a 940s room. Several people have heard Second World War era broadcasts including the big band sound of the Glenn Miller orchestra and speeches by Winston Churchill. The broadcasts come on at random and can last for up to half an hour. Technicians who examined it removed the back, but found “nothing but cobwebs and spiders”.

This reminds us of a separate story we’ve recently come across involving a time warping baby monitor. A young mother heard herself telling her child a story as had actually happened about five hours previously.

It’s pretty subtle, really, as far as time warping goes. At least nobody’s disappearing in this one. Still, maybe that hadron collider ripped a whole in the space time continuum as was predicted by some genius Russians or something.

If this is all true, maybe we can somehow use it to mankind’s benefit. Perhaps it will tell us the exact lottery numbers we’ll need to buy exactly 70 years ago to become filthy stinking rich.

Wait – there’s a flaw there somewhere. We can’t put our finger on it, but there’s a flaw there somewhere.

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Everyone has been talking about Brad Pitt’s beard. You may have looked at it and known exactly why he has one. You thought that a keratinized, hardened tissue shaft grew from a follicle in his skin. After an initial anagen phase, which is the period when most human hair produced and thereby, containing an abundance of melanin, Pitt’s chin hair reached the catagen phase, which sees a plateau in growth, before paving the way for the resting period, or telogen phase, which sees the hair falling out, making way for new growth. If you thought that, you’re wrong on many levels.

That’s because our Brad has grown a beard out of ‘boredom’. Yep, the Twelve Monkeys star appeared at the premiere of the film Kick-Ass, which Pretty Pitty helped produce. If you want some more celebrity names, he attended the after-party with the film’s star Aaron Johnson, director Matthew Vaughn and Gary Barlow, Dizzee Rascal and Tom Ford. What a circle jerk that is, eh readers?

So yeah, boredom? That’s the only reason?

Pitt said:

“It’s boredom – no other reason than that.”

But maybe, just maybe, Pitt grew a beard because he’s been hanging around with loads of whisky swilling hirsute ruffians from Scotland.

You see, Brad, who next stars in The Tree Of Life with Sean Penn, said Scotland holds a special place in his heart, because he spent time there when he was younger.

“I went to Scotland and travelled around years ago – I went everywhere, saw it all.”

“Edinburgh and Glasgow were special – the architecture is something there. Charles Rennie Mackintosh, he was the man. I even went up to Loch Ness to see what that was all about.”

“Last year Matthew and I were looking at doing some filming up there. We had a look at some castles. We’ll definitely be back.”

So, women of Scotchland, if you’re not one of those weeds who cries at the very sight of some chin-fuzz, then you might want to iron your best knickers and get out the nicest deodorant you have because sexy wexy Brad Pitt plans to visit you all again AND he probably won’t bring the wife.

What happens in Scotland stays in Scotland.

Feel free to discuss at great length whether men with beards should be trusted or not, whether Brad Pitt looks better with or without one and all that important stuff in the comments. Or imagine the answers to each other. It’s up to you really. We ain’t the boss of you.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

The Big Grey Man of Ben MacDhui, or Am Fear Liath Mòr as he seems to be known in his native Scotland, is a ten-foot-tall creature that ‘haunts’ a very high peek in the Cairngorms. He’s been described as both a physical creature and a ghost of sorts, and many a mountain climber has a story including him.

Whether the Fear Liath is a physical creature or not, those that have encountered him have said they were absolutely overcome with fear – sometimes enough so to cause them to stumble through five miles of mountainous fog just to escape his presence.

The Big Grey Man of Ben MacDhui, as we said, is a ten-foot-tall creature that has been described a few different ways. Some say he’s got a barren skin, while others insist he’s covered in a short brown hair. The Encyclopedia Mythica describes him thusly:

“Fear Liath More, or the Grey Man, is a creature said to have inhabited the vicinity of the summit cairn of Ben MacDhui, one of the six great peaks of the Scottish Cairngorm Mountains, for generations. The Grey Man is identified as a presence encountered both physically and psychically. In its physical form, the Grey Man is most often described as quite large and broad shouldered, standing fully erect and being in excess of 10 feet in height, with long waving arms.

“He is also reportedly olive complected or, alternatively, covered with short brown hair. Because of this, some tend to associate him with the Bigfoot or Sasquatch of North American fame, or the Yeti of the Himalayas. Footprints found on the summit of Ben MacDhui do closely resemble the “typical” Bigfoot imprint. However, this association is misleading, as the Grey Man has far more interesting identifying characteristics than his physical description alone.”

From  what we’ve gathered, the chief difference between the Grey man and Bigfoot is that a Bigfoot is generally (we said generally) encountered with your eyes. When you run into the Grey Man you usually don’t see him – but you’re suddenly terrified by him. Encyclopedia Mythica also gives a description of a typical encounter:

“More frequently, the Grey Man is encountered in physical sensation, but without a true physical form. Sensations of this type include vast, dark blurs which obscure the sky, strange crunching noises, echoing footsteps which pursue the listener, an icy feeling in the surrounding atmosphere, as well as a physical feeling of a cold grip on, or brush against, the observer’s flesh. There is also a high pitched humming sound, or the Singing as it is sometimes called, which is associated with Ben MacDhui and the Grey Man.”

The singing sounds pretty spooky. It gets worse – a specific encounter is given on Wikipedia:

“In 1925, the noted climber John Norman Collie recounted a terrifying experience he had endured while alone near the summit of Ben MacDhui some 35 years before. “I began to think I heard something else than merely the noise of my own footsteps. For every few steps I took I heard a crunch, and then another crunch as if someone was walking after me but taking steps three or four times the length of my own.” Collie was unable to make out the source of the noises because of mist, and continued “… [as] the eerie crunch, crunch, sounded behind me, I was seized with terror and took to my heels, staggering blindly among the boulders for four or five miles.”"

Here’s another encounter – this one includes gun shots, and was found on Ghostclub.org.uk:

“In 1943 the most sensational account of the Big Grey Man appeared penned by a mountaineer Alexander Tewnion: he claimed he had actually shot at it with a revolver! He described how he had been climbing Ben MacDhui when a thick mist descended so he descended by the Coire Etchachan path. He was disturbed to hear menacing footsteps and recalling Professor Collie’s experience he peered into the mist. A strange shape loomed up in the mist, receded and then came charging towards him. Pulling out his gun he fired three times and then turned and ran reaching Glen Derry in a time I have never bettered since.”

So the Grey Man seems to be physical enough to get shot at, but generally appears as more of a terrified feeling than a face to face meet & greet. Although the beast has never been sighted off-mountain, there are a few other places in this big wonderful world where similar entities are believed to exist – spooking you out as you walk alone through the middle of nowhere.

Wheever they are, we are more than content to just give them their space.

One day, our constant stereotype abuse will probably land us with either a smack in the chops or a lawsuit.

If anything, we’d prefer the latter, not because it’ll make us look big, hard and more attractive to socialites but due to the fact we have bugger all to our name. If a Hollywood superstar wants our collection of cigarette packets or dated takeaway menus, then let bring it on! 

This week’s band – Dananananaykroyd hail from bonny Scotland. So naturally, we assumed that they’d be red headed, wear nothing but tartan and have a diet that consisted of only deep-fried Mars Bars and gallons of Irn Bru. Oh, and we thought that bagpipes had to feature somewhere. Apart from the bagpipes, we aren’t sure if our assumptions on the band are true, but maybe in a probing interview one day we can find that out. For now, we’ll concentrate on their music. 

Hailing from Glasgow, the sound of the band has been described as 'fight pop' and hardcore. OK, hardcore is a little easier to understand, but fight pop? Maybe it’ll become the soundtrack to crazy Japanese videogames where characters are the mutation of monsters, flowers and people and have stupid names that mean something in Japanese but end up sounding a bit silly once they've been translated fifty or so times. 

You needn’t worry about the hardcore tag. The six members that make up Dananananaykroyd haven’t made a collection of songs that will blow you against the nearest wall. Yes, elements of that style do pop through now and again, but to place them in that category is a bad thing and could deter someone who has a hatred of that genre. We put it down to lazy people not listening to their songs properly or going off what their mates told them down the pub. 

Are we going to try and give them a defining tag? Well we’ll try, but don’t come ringing our doorbell telling us we don’t know what we’re talking about.

The safe option would be rock, but for the person who likes to categorise everything, then can we suggest the badly titled 'fuzztronic epica rock'? Yeah, we know it’s a bit wonky, bit it's cutting edge enough for the NME to probably steal it off us. We use that term because unlike hardcore/grindcore songs they don’t last 5.4 seconds and instead have multilayered parts that keep everything interesting. The formula of 'words, chorus, words, solo, chorus' doesn’t apply here.

All four songs are taken from their latest EP, Sissy Hits. Older material is limited, deleted and trading hands for silly money. This release is the first real record where a lot of people can get their hands on it. For once, we can’t pick a song we like out of the ones available to us. It’s not because we’re rush writing this, but we really to do like each track. Think of it as picking a favourite child. The decision is that tough. 

Sometimes hecklerspray is accused of not researching things or giving out facts, so we are happy to give you a Dananananaykroyd fact. Bass player Laura is engaged to Barry from The Futureheads. More than likely this fact will be used in every bit of press they will ever have, so let's start it happening here.  

Read more: 

Dananananaykroyd MySpace page