Which is why he's decided to open a brand new private school to give the youth of today the best shot at a high quality education. Will Smith's New Village Academy is set to open in September. And it definitely isn't a Scientologist school, OK?

True, some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school might just happen to be Scientologists, but that hasn't got anything to do with anything. And, yes, the school's curriculum will be based on Scientologist instructional models developed by L Ron Hubbard himself, but that doesn't make it a Scientologist school either. However, the giant, golden rotating statue of Xenu in the playground could well make it look like a Scientologist school. Just joking!

The thing we like best about Will Smith is that he definitely isn't a Scientologist. Definitely not. It'd hurt his career to be a Scientologist, just like it hurt the career of Tom Cruise and, um, the mouthy woman out of King Of Queens, or something.

No, we like Will Smith, like we like our coffee – sceptical about notions that the human race was created because a giant alien dropped an atom bomb into volcano from a golden spaceship shaped like a jumbo jet.

You see, Will Smith definitely isn't a Scientologist. That time he defended Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology was just a display of loyalty to a friend of his who'd been bullied by the media. And that time he gave all the Hancock crew a free voucher for a Scientology personality audit was just a display of being too cheap to buy real them real gifts that they'd ever use. None of this is any suggestion that Will Smith is into Scientology.

And just because Will Smith has founded a private school where Scientologist teachers teach students a set of Scientologist values invented by Scientologist Jesus-figure L Ron Hubbard, it… wait, that does make him sound like kind of a Scientologist, doesn't it?

Of course it doesn't. We know this because Will Smith has indirectly said so himself. The Los Angeles Times reports:

[School head Jacqueline] Olivier responded to written questions about the school submitted through Will Smith's publicist. She said some staff members are Scientologists and others are Muslim, Christian or Jewish. The school has no religious affiliation, she said. "We are a secular school and just like all non-religious independent schools, faculty and staff do not promote their own religions at school or pass on the beliefs of their particular faith to children," Olivier said.  

OK, so Jacqueline Oliver has a point. Just because some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school are Scientologists, it doesn't automatically make Will Smith a Scientologist as well. That'd be like saying that because a number of girls were systematically sexually abused at Oprah Winfrey's private school, Oprah Winfrey is a child abuser. We think. That comparison might not actually hold up to too much scrutiny, so let's move on.

And besides, so what if Will Smith's new school is just a paper-thin facade to churn out a production line of fresh-faced young Scientologists? It's not really any of our business if it is. Plus, let's not forget that every new Scientologist who graduates from Will Smith's school will be expertly qualified to help anyone who's trapped in the wreckage of a horrific car crash, even more so than paramedics. Isn't that a good thing? Isn't it?

That was fine until we'd seen them all. Twice.

Then our mother started dating a midget that swore up and down he was the lower half of L. Ron Hubbard, and that the Scientology founder had never been anything more than he and his twin brother strolling around stacked under a trench coat twice their size. He radiated alien germs off us at a thirty percent discount, which we thought was really pretty good of him. Thanks for that, Almonzo.

That experience really helps us relate to Will Smith's current dilemma. He's not a Scientologist, but he loves them dearly, the way we love L Ron Hubbard's bottom half dearly.

Hang on while we find a way to reword that last bit

Will Smith has really dug a pit for himself now. It seems he's babbled on about Scientology so much people are starting to think he's been swung over that way. But the thing is he hasn't. He's never taken the Scientologist's obligatory couch jump on any of Oprah Winfrey's 2000 fine television programmes, and he's never been denied any kind of religious tax exempt status by a very strict federal government. Really, there's not a Scientologist-ish thing about him.

Some argue that though. Some say Smith is the most Scientologist-ish person who has ever lived, save Xenu himself. Those same people say that since Xenu lived so many galaxies away he shouldn't really count towards this category. Plus he's frozen now or something, possibly in his planet's version of Northern Maine. Right near a highway.

But William Smith wants everyone to know once and for all he's not a Hubbard-ite. And he tells them so like this:

"You don't have to be Jewish to be a friend of Steven Spielberg. You don't have to be a Muslim to be a friend of Muhammad Ali. And you don't have to be a Scientologist to be a friend of Tom Cruise. I am a Christian. I am a student of all religions. And I respect all people and all paths."

Well we wish we'd known that because, quite frankly, last time we were at Ali's house we spent about two hours too long talking about the shiny-factor of the Dome of the Rock. Honestly Muhammad, the sun glints like that off all metallic roofs.

As if Smith's adamant denial is a touch too vague, a Smith-slave issued this statement to drive things home:

"As Will Smith's publicist I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that Will is not a Scientologist."

But notice he didn't say 110 percent, which implies just a little less certainty then we're comfortable with. Somebody go check the D section of the Smith family personal library.

Read More:

Radar Didn't Call Will Smith A Scientologist – Radar Online

Why? Because Jerry O’Connell has made a parody of the Tom Cruise: Scientologist video that we appreciate so much because it makes us feel a little bit saner by comparison.  

We were sort of hoping that some poor androgynous teenager would make a sobbing, overemotional plea for Tom Cruise to be left alone like that kid did for Britney Spears, but this works too.  

Jerry O’Connell. You don’t hear about him much these days unless he’s inexplicably marrying supermodels. To be honest, we haven’t really been fans of Jerry O’Connell ever since that colossal brilliance of a show, My Secret Identity. We were only ten when it came out, but really, can anyone else levitate themselves with cans on spray paint? Didn’t think so.  

By now everyone and their grandmother’s kittens knows about the Tom Cruise Scientology video that has given us so much heckling material that we are eternally indebted to Mr. Cruise and Scientology and the brilliant souls who released the video to mankind in the first place. The video has probably spurred record hits on wikipedia of people looking up what the devil SP’s stand for, and why Scientologists are superior to paramedics when it comes to car crashes.  

Anyway, to help commemorate the blissful inanity of the video, Jerry O’Connell made a video of his own in the form of a Tom Cruise spoof. It  can be found on Will Ferrell’s site funnyordie.com, which has brought us entertainment such as The Landlord, featuring a swearing toddler, and The Green Team.    

The video’s not the best thing in the world. In fact, Jerry O’Connell as a rule tends to annoy the living snot out of us, and we develop a strange desire to beat up fat boy scouts everytime we see him for some reason. However, the random inserts of raucous, modestly unsettling laughter and sentences that drone on into pointless voids of nothingness are quite enjoyable.  

So go ahead and check it out. We know you're only pretending to work, anyway.

A lot of Hollywood-types are getting mightily annoyed that the media has been poking fun at a pompous, overpaid millionaire with Christ-like delusions of grandeur and eyes so scary they should have their own Japanese horror franchise.

Major US magazine People has rounded up a bunch of celebrities who want to let the whole world – or just soccer moms thumbing through a copy at the checkout – just how goshdarn annoyed they are.

Among those branding this charade a 'sickening backlash' are Adam Sandler, Dustin Hoffman, Ben Stiller, Bruce Willis, Jim Carrey and Demi Moore. We're sure Katie Holmes would love to have chipped in too, but apparently she was too busy being shipped off to Hubbard Camp for yet more re-education.

Sorry. We meant to say 'shopping'. She was busy 'shopping'.

It hasn't just been the aforementioned video that's been irritating the Cruiser of late. Biographer Andrew Morton has released a controversial new book about Tommy-boy, which makes all sorts of sensational allegations, the most shocking of which states that – yes – he actually did think Days Of Thunder was a film worth making.

Professional gurner Adam Sandler yakked that:

"To see anyone's private life invaded and mocked like this is sickening. It's especially gross when it happens to a guy like Cruise, who's a great dad, a great husband and a great friend."

Dustin Hoffman, meanwhile, reckons that:

"Tom Cruise is an American and has the right to freedom of speech and freedom of religion." 

And Ben Stiller really doesn't like those rumours about Katie Holmes being knocked up by an old cult leader:

"Imagine
having a baby and people talking about it the way they did. People lose
sight of the fact that Tom Cruise is actually a person. I feel for him."

The most baffling thing about all of this, however, is that no-one has used the really obvious defence: wouldn't you be a little mixed-up if your soul had been trapped in a volcano millions of years ago?

Honestly, from the way some people are talking, you'd start to think that Tom Cruise was some emotionally needy, none-too-bright narcissist who'd latched onto a con-job fake religion in order to deal with a number of troubling personal issues.

Which is obviously untrue.

Read More:

ADAM SANDLER – STARS DEFEND 'GREAT DAD' CRUISE – Contactmusic

However, Katie Holmes has bravely pushed her head above the parapet and spoken out about something that Tom Cruise isn't able to do.

Tom Cruise, you see, can't keep pizzas warm with magic.

Katie Holmes must be absolutely furious at the moment, provided that someone's fitted a fury chip into her circuitboard. Ever since hooking up with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes' film career has taken a battering. She had all her brilliant-sounding sex scenes mysteriously removed from Thank You For Smoking, then she was the worst thing about Batman Begins and after that acting had to take a back seat to speculation about whether Tom Cruise kept her in a metal cage or a bamboo one in private.

And this was supposed to be the time that Katie Holmes broke out for herself thanks to her – admittedly terrible-looking – new movie Mad Money. And what happens as Mad Money's release date approaches? Has everyone been giving a reasoned assessment of Katie's performance? No, they've been watching a creepy Scientologist video of Tom Cruise being weird and wondering how much of L Ron's sperm it took to get her pregnant. 

So Katie Holmes has had enough, and now she's decided to defend her husband to get the Mad Money promotion back on track. You see, even though Tom Cruise knows that only Scientologists are able to really help car-crash victims, he'd make a shit pizza delivery boy – and that's thanks to his vast inability to use magic to keep pizzas warm.

When Tom Cruise visited Katie Holmes and the other Mad Money cast members on set in Louisiana during filming once, he brought a pizza with him. From Giordanos in – get this – Chicago. And – get this – it was warm. Apparently the Mad Money cast and crew all thought that Tom Cruise had somehow harnessed his inner Thetan to keep the pizza warm for the entire 906-mile journey, but that's probably because they all sound like they're as thick as pigshit.

But, sadly, Katie Holmes has hilariously revealed that it wasn't magic at all – it was dry-ice:

"Giordanos send dry ice which keeps the pizza hot."

See? What Katie Holmes is trying to say is that Tom Cruise is just like us! And he is, except that we don't aggressively push our confusing religion onto people by claiming that we're eminently more qualified to cure car crash victims than paramedics because we believe that a crazy alien once dropped a hydrogen bomb into a volcano.

Plus Tom Cruise was also in a film about cocktails and we weren't. That's another way he's not like us. But mainly the creepy alien volcano bomb thing.

Read more:

HOLMES REVEALS CRUISE'S PIZZA MAGIC - PR Inside 

And, unsurprisingly, Tom Cruise isn't exactly happy that his genuinely disturbing Scientology rant has found its way onto the internet. Sources are claiming that Tom Cruise is "extremely unhappy" about the video being mocked across the internet in such a widespread way.

But, as Tom Cruise says himself in the Scientology video, it's rough and tumble, it's wild and woolly and it's a blast. And, as Tom Cruise also says: "Eeehyuhyuhyuhehhhh!" Or however you spell that deranged chuckle of his.

The leaked nine-minute Tom Cruise: Scientologist video has yanked a reaction out of just about everyone. The majority of people seem to be slightly freaked out by the burning fervour in Tom Cruise's eyes as he explains how he won't hesitate to push his ethics onto someone, while Scientologists have rushed to the internet to claim that anyone who disagrees with Tom Cruise and Scientology is probably a known criminal.

And as for Tom Cruise himself, well, he's just a teensy bit annoyed that a Scientology video of him intoning "Now is the time!" like some sort of frightening doom-voiced cult leader has been unstoppably leaked all over the internet, especially so soon after those rumours that Tom Cruise's baby was made with L Ron Hubbard's dead sperm. The Daily Mail reports:

Last night, an insider revealed: "Tom is extremely unhappy about this. He takes Scientology very, very seriously and he does not want it subject to abuse and ridicule on the Internet."

In fairness, this leaked Scientology video is probably just about the last thing that Tom Cruise needs at the moment. Since the last period of weirdness that almost fatally wounded his movie career – thanks to Sumner Redstone sacking him from Paramount because all women hate him, Tom Cruise has been painstakingly rebuilding his reputation and, blammo, nine minutes of incomprehensible religious babbling and mindless creepy chuckling later and he's back to square one again.

It's hard to see how Tom Cruise and Scientology will be able to cope with this new deafening ridicule. The ball is well and truly out of their court now, and any typically heavy-handed Scientologist response will surely be just as publicly revealed. After all, more people have probably seen the leaked Tom Cruise: Scientologist by now than Lions For Lambs. And, yes, we're aware that means more than about four people. 

Still, as honestly unsettling as the Tom Cruise: Scientologist video is, it could have been worse. Just imagine what a bag of shit the John Travolta: Scientologist video would have been. 

Read more:

Tom Cruise 'furious' over leaked Scientology rant – Daily Mail