Will Smith has reached the pinnacle of his career – acting exclusively in films where he gets to save the world – and now he wants more.
Which is why he's decided to open a brand new private school to give the youth of today the best shot at a high quality education. Will Smith's New Village Academy is set to open in September. And it definitely isn't a Scientologist school, OK?
True, some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school might just happen to be Scientologists, but that hasn't got anything to do with anything. And, yes, the school's curriculum will be based on Scientologist instructional models developed by L Ron Hubbard himself, but that doesn't make it a Scientologist school either. However, the giant, golden rotating statue of Xenu in the playground could well make it look like a Scientologist school. Just joking!
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Hecklerspray was raised in a very stern Jewish home for three months as a child. But then our mother got dumped by her Hasidic rabbi boyfriend and we found ourself at our Uncle's house, where apparently the only thing even faintly religious was Sunday morning Baywatch re-runs.
That was fine until we'd seen them all. Twice.
Then our mother started dating a midget that swore up and down he was the lower half of L. Ron Hubbard, and that the Scientology founder had never been anything more than he and his twin brother strolling around stacked under a trench coat twice their size. He radiated alien germs off us at a thirty percent discount, which we thought was really pretty good of him. Thanks for that, Almonzo.
That experience really helps us relate to Will Smith's current dilemma. He's not a Scientologist, but he loves them dearly, the way we love L Ron Hubbard's bottom half dearly.
Hang on while we find a way to reword that last bit
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They say that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. If that’s true, then Jerry O’Connell must simply adore Tom Cruise.
Why? Because Jerry O’Connell has made a parody of the Tom Cruise: Scientologist video that we appreciate so much because it makes us feel a little bit saner by comparison.
We were sort of hoping that some poor androgynous teenager would make a sobbing, overemotional plea for Tom Cruise to be left alone like that kid did for Britney Spears, but this works too.
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Not everyone, it seems, shared hecklerspray's reaction to the recent Tom Cruise Scientology video (which happened to be a mixture of hilarity and genuine fear, particularly when he burst into the sort of laughter you'd expect from a Lord Of The Rings baddie. Or maybe Xenu himself).
A lot of Hollywood-types are getting mightily annoyed that the media has been poking fun at a pompous, overpaid millionaire with Christ-like delusions of grandeur and eyes so scary they should have their own Japanese horror franchise.
Major US magazine People has rounded up a bunch of celebrities who want to let the whole world – or just soccer moms thumbing through a copy at the checkout – just how goshdarn annoyed they are.
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To watch the skin-crawling Tom Cruise: Scientologist video you'd think that there was literally nothing that Tom Cruise couldn't do, apart from make sense and laugh normally.
However, Katie Holmes has bravely pushed her head above the parapet and spoken out about something that Tom Cruise isn't able to do.
Tom Cruise, you see, can't keep pizzas warm with magic.
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The nine-minute video of Tom Cruise claiming that only Scientologists are able to cure car-crash victims has seen Tom Cruise get the worst reviews of his life, save for maybe Days Of Thunder.
And, unsurprisingly, Tom Cruise isn't exactly happy that his genuinely disturbing Scientology rant has found its way onto the internet. Sources are claiming that Tom Cruise is "extremely unhappy" about the video being mocked across the internet in such a widespread way.
But, as Tom Cruise says himself in the Scientology video, it's rough and tumble, it's wild and woolly and it's a blast. And, as Tom Cruise also says: "Eeehyuhyuhyuhehhhh!" Or however you spell that deranged chuckle of his.
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Will Smith has reached the pinnacle of his career – acting exclusively in films where he gets to save the world – and now he wants more.
