Remember Daphne and Celeste? They were cool weren’t they? They went to the Reading festival and out-punked the punks. They did the right thing and quit after their brief success.

Someone else who remembers Daphne and Celeste is Madonna.

How so? Well, her new single, which has been leaked online like an open pus-sore, sounds just like ‘em! Or, if you prefer, it sounds like something Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas would put out and subsequently be ashamed of. Wanna hear it?

Madge hasn’t been having a great time of it of late. First of all, it transpired that she hated you and your stupid floral gifts. Then, some dry-heave inducing nude pictures leaked online.

Now, topping those two woeful incidents, she’s putting out a really, really terrible single.

It’s clear that Madonna doesn’t know how to keep up in the world of pop anymore as she’s being outfoxed by GaGa, out dirtied by Rihanna and out cutesied by everyone else.

As such, she is seemingly going for the Crazy Frog approach and creating a track which is irritatingly ear-wormy and something of a novelty single.

She even feels the need to say her own name in the song, over and over, because she’s worried we’ve all forgotten about her.

Have a listen.

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Alex James. Remember when you fancied him? You were cooler than your friends because they all fancied Damon when eyeing up Blur like a sexy meat hamper. Alex James was the dreamboat on bass and oh! How he made you swoon.

Sadly, for The Alex James Fan Club, he’s always been an unbearable peen. We’ve been told first hand by one member of Blur that people have to write his basslines for him and he copies them for live shows.

And of course, these days, he’s an even bigger weapon. He makes cheese and has named some of his children Geronimo, Artemis and Galileo. AND BETTER YET, he likes hanging around with Jeremy Clarkson and David Cameron (see above) AS WELL AS running a festival which has financially crippled a primary school!

The Alex James Fan Club has probably been sticking their collective fingers in their ears for the last few years, desperately trying to avoid the obvious shortcomings of their fave Britpop hunk. However, seeing as most Blur fans from the mid-90s are now in respectable jobs and giving off an air of being a conscientious member of society, they’ll have to try twice as hard to ignore this slop of news.

Remember when James ran something called ‘Harvest’? It was a festival that had food, music and visiting Tories. Alex tottered around in tweed like Lord Snooty’s vaguely eccentric, scruffy cousin and well…

…the festival has abruptly ceased trading according to The Guardian and everyone concerned is now “uncontactable” despite the fact that “tickets for next year’s festival had already been sold.”

The Alex James Presents Harvest website offers no information about refunds and the former Fat Les’er isn’t keen to talk about it to anyone.

His publicist is similarly quiet, although, they will tell you about his new mozzarella and the “foodio” he’s building so he can think about cheese. But maybe Alex is just busy, right? Yep. Busy talking about his line of cheese at Asda, which he recently crowed about, saying:

“It’s generated something like £2m worth of publicity! It even made the New York Times! But I suppose that’s what I set out to do.”

So far, so boring business. But what about the local primary school he’s shafting?

The local school, Kingham primary, organises its own annual music festival. Alex James used their contacts book and the school duly provided him with entertainment. However, now the festival has gone belly up, this little school is out of pocket.

Headteacher Ed Read told the Cotswold Journal that it was owed £7,000 for the entertainment it organised.

“There are 200 children at this state school who rely on that money. It’s going to have a huge impact. With the national austerity measures, budgets in schools have been reduced. Our music teacher is paid largely by the music festival we do ourselves. We are either going to have to lose the music teacher, or take it from other budgets which will reduce other parts of the curriculum.”

So there you have it. As we stand, Alex James is not only an irritating tit, but one that could well lose someone their job and bugger up a load of children’s schooling.

We should’ve known really, afterall, he was in a band called MeMeMe.

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Tis the season for leaked nude photographs and, sadly, this time around, it’s a hard-bodied Madonna who we’re getting to gawp at, who, at the time of press, is roughly the same age as the horizon.

That’s right! She’s been having a photoshoot and some wag has leaked some snaps of her before anyone can airbrush.

And yes, she’s topless. So no, they’re totally NSFW. They’re not even SFE (‘safe for Earth’).

Anyway, Madonna appears in these photos with her gym-honed limbs, all sinewy and veiny like four particularly large penises.

And there’s the stomach. Boy what a gut! It looks like you could bounce coins from it.  Alas, the skin doth sag over it like a soil bedsheet over a mattress made from concrete.

Her wig is a thing of beauty too.

Feel free to say “Well, I think she looks great for her age!” or “When you’ve achieved what she’s achieved, then you can criticise!” because, as we all know, no-one is allowed an opinion on anything unless some arbitrary rules have been put in place beforehand, like wealth or influence.

Or in Madonna’s case, the existence of ‘Into The Groove’.

In fairness, it is an absolutely perfect record… but still, that won’t stop us from sneering. IT’S ALL WE’VE GOT! Now look at her naked. Again.

GODDAMMIT.

*****UPDATE*****

If you’re looking for dodgy Madonna n00dz, then sorry. We had to take them down because SOMEONE threatened us with legal action. The place we originally saw them may have them. They’re EB&D so visit them. If not, we’re pretty sure you’ll be able to find them somewhere on Google Images with the Safe Search switched off.

And so. By way of apology for not being able to find what you’re looking for, here’s something else to gawp at.

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She might hate hydrangeas, but she sure loves people throwing stupidly shaped balls around! That’s right folks! Madonna is totally going to be the halftime distraction at the next Super Bowl, or Super Bowl XLVI if you can’t count in English.

The Material Girl (we’re forced to use that description by law) will clutter up the pitch with a giant stage on February 5th in Indianapolis, which of course, is famous for a stupid car race, being almost square shaped and having virtually zero sidewalks. Stupid Indianapolis.

But at least they’ll get a massive American Football match and Madonna, eh?

Of course, this could all fall through as Madge has been rumoured to perform in two Super Bowls before (1998 and 2000) but she clearly couldn’t be bothered.

If it does go through, she’ll be joining a number of megastars who have performed on the Super Bowl pitch such as The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and Janet Jackson’s nipple.

Last year, Americans witnessed the Black Eyed Peas prancing around in what was arguably the worst Super Bowl halftime ever.

EVER.

Naturally, Madonna will want to raise some eyebrows during her performances, so we suspect that she’ll take to the stage on a flaming crucifix while dry-humping a black Jesus, climaxing with the effigy of Lady GaGa getting stabbed by a hoard of gay men in PVC nappies.

That would actually be brilliant and don’t you dare pretend otherwise.

The football organization is keeping mum, with NFL spokesdude Greg Aiello (too many vowels in that surname) saying:

“We do not comment on the musical talent for the Super Bowl until we have something to announce”

Amazing words.

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Madonna. Stupid, canny, very bright Madonna. You can throw what you like at her, but like a wily old street fighter, she ducks and weaves before whupping your ass with a bike chain while your back is turned.

The swine.

See, after the hydrangea debacle, we all flung handfuls of faeces at her and hooted our traps off about how she was a spiteful, ungrateful git. And so, Madonna went and made video to answer everyone’s criticisms.

If you missed it, Madonna hit the headlines after a fan gave her some flowers which she hated. Sadly for her, she was caught on video rolling her eyes at the whole thing.

Now, Queen Madge has responded to that video with one of her own entitled “Madonna’s love letter to hydrangeas”.

Of course, this being Madonna, she’s more than self-aware and self-effacing about it all (she’s arguably the most self-aware human on the planet) so the video isn’t so much a grovelling apology…

…in fact, it isn’t sorry at all.

Just watch it, okay?

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Madonna is so far removed from society, that even small gifts from us plebs make her angry. Gestures are just not enough, as we’re supposed to know exactly what she likes or else we’ll incur her stupid, pointless wrath.

We saw this yesterday on these pages as she turned her aged nose up at a lovely flower, brought to her by some bloke in a suit.

And so, this got us thinking. What flower would we give to Madonna if we were unlucky enough to meet her? Opinions were sought around the ‘spray hovel, and some very interesting answers emerged.

There’s a huge number of plants and flowers out there which we could try and impress Madonna with.

Alas, we’d be most likely to give her some that scorch her skin and poison her.

That would invariably end in a prison sentence, we figured we’d offend her in other ways.

And so, here’s our list of disgusting plants we’d give to stupid, ungrateful Madge who, quite frankly, doesn’t deserve our time or effort.

But we do like ‘Into The Groove’.

(Not enough to stop us from being peevish and send her vile plants though)

Hydnora africana

This horrible looking thing is a parasitic flower that kills everything surrounding it. Better than all that though, is that this unusual plant emits the smell of faeces. AND IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT MINGE.

Dracunculus vulgaris

The Dracunculus vulgaris smells like rotting human flesh, which is nice. Madonna would love that no doubt, as it reminds her of the humans she feasts on in her futile bid to stay young. Also, IT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS A BIG, BLACK DONG.

Monkey cups

Aw! Monkey cups! Cups that monkeys drink from, right? Wrong. Also known as the Pitcher Plant, this thing can eat rats. Seriously. A meat eating plant. Little Shop Of Horrors, come true to life. It also looks like a really exotic toilet.

Vegetable sheep (Raoulia eximia)

This stupid thing looks like a sheep grazing on rocks from a distance. They’re thoroughly ugly and will die in the care of Madonna, leaving her with the feeling of having killed a poor innocent lamb.

Rafflesia arnoldii

Look! Look at this horrible thing! Madonna would love to be given one of these. Why? Because it smells like a dying mammal and looks like it has acne.

Amorphophallus

Look at this horror. The name means, literally, “shapeless male genetalia”, which Madonna could use to remind herself of her former beau, Guy Richie.

Birthwort (Aristolochia gigantea)

Hey! It’s the Giant Birthwort or Dutchman’s Pipe. It’s a plant covered in hair and was given its name thanks to looking at bit like afterbirth.

Welwitschia

It looks like a diseased dragon’s tongue, is covered in wasps, hugely poisonous and is around 2000 years old. Madonna would have a lot to identify with.

Elephant’s Trunk (Pachypodium namaquanum)

Look at this stupid, ugly thing. It looks like Fido Dido got sucked up by an elephant. Madge would love one of these thrown at her by an adoring fan.

Next week: We fend off green fingered idiots for getting fundamental things wrong about all these plants no doubt.

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When us mere mortals make some kind of gesture to an incredibly wealthy celebrity, we expect our meagre offerings to be useless to them, but at least met with some vague gratefulness, right?

What on Earth could you offer someone who has probably already bought everything in the world? Including actual humans from Africa.

And so, when someone tried to do something nice for Madonna, instead of simply being pleased that someone wanted to put a smile on that horribly wizened face of hers, she threw it all back at us like a spoiled git.

While Madge was promoting her awful film and expecting us plebs to fork out our money on watching it in some wretched cinema, someone gave her a flower.

Isn’t that nice? Giving flowers to people is lovely isn’t it?

However, Madonna hates the general public and was caught out on the microphone – which you’d assume she’d know the workings of, what with her being a professional singer for roughly 800 years – saying that she ‘loathed’ a flower bouquet given to her.

In unedited footage from her Venice Film Festival press conference, we see Madonna handed a gigantic purple hydrangea.

She cracks a smile so fake that a politician would spit their tea through their nose with laughter, before grimacing and muttering:

“I absolutely loathe hydrangeas.”

We would’ve preferred the whole ‘Oh thank-you! How thoughtful!’ but y’know, this is Madonna. She hates us. She hates us all.

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Madonna. She made a lot of great pop records. A LOT. She’s a successful business woman (when she’s not setting up failed gyms in Mexico) and owns a record label that launched another bunch of stars.

However, one thing she never got right was the movies.

Not that this has stopped her from releasing a new film called W.E. (it’s about Wallis Simpson and blah blah blah) and everyone is expecting a brown trout of a feature. Why does she bother? Let us peer at her terrible movie past.

Of course, Madge will make more money and hangers-on than we’ll ever have, but that’s not to say we can’t see a turd in the bowl when we stumble across one.

And boy howdy, Madonna has been responsible for some howlingly awful flicks in her time.

Does she care? Clearly not. Do her fans? Invariably, they’ll spend their time scouring the internet looking for naysayers to shoot down with a ‘YEAH! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE? SHE GIVES TO CHARITY YOU KNOW?!’

Anyway, here’s a showreel of Madonna showing that she shoulda stuck to singing.

Swept Away

Look! Terrible acting! She’s got the poise and grace of a daddy long legs!

Shanghai Surprise

One of the worst films ever made, period.

A Certain Sacrifice

The only real sacrifice here, is dignity.

Blue In The Face

Something we’ve all felt when shouting ‘stop acting’ at the TV when Madonna treads the boards.

Body Of Evidence (Not Exactly Safe For Work)

Crikey. If you thought Basic Instinct was wooden, this takes the biscuit. And half of Basic Instinct’s plot.

Truth Or Dare

Amazingly, this fly-on-the-waller shows Madonna’s acting at its worst. Listen to her hammed up New Yoik accent.

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When E4 had eventually grown tired of showing endless repeats of Friends and Scrubs, the channel eventually spat out its own unique programming, aimed at the sort of person that hecklerspray writers aren’t; the young, the cool, the hip and the trendy. Arseholes, basically.

On one end of the spectrum, there was Skins, a programme which captured everyone’s dream college lifestyle, in a show which frequently used drugs, booze and sex, but portrayed them in the most extreme way to great effect.

Skins was escapism for most whilst The Inbetweeners offered a firmer dose of reality, especially for hormonal teenage boys. These are the sort of people who couldn’t quite make that move from fingering a girl to using an empty packet of Space Raiders as a makeshift condom when that first awkward sexual experience arrived.

The show has, like many of its Channel 4 predecessors, made the leap from small screen to the cinema, or a dodgy DVD off someone in the pub. The Inbetweeners Movie has broken UK box office records, even though it feels like a watered down version of the TV series.

We don’t have a total feeling of hate towards The Inbetweeners. If anything we truly admire something that was able to last an impressive three series, despite having the same jokes more or less each week. Whether they’d be about Will’s mum, mocking Jay’s supposed conquests, alternative words for the female lady garden or generally being rejected by women when a vague opportunity arose.

After series three finished, it almost seemed like the natural place to finish. For once, a TV show wasn’t going to finish with flashbacks, somebody waking up in the shower or a gathering of ninjas bursting into kill everyone. Instead, the main characters went on a camping trip following on from taking their A-Levels. As per real life, this is the time that most people take their first independent holiday abroad and this is where The Inbetweeners film takes us.

In a nutshell, the film goes along these lines of all four characters going to Magaluf one of them keeps on seeing an old flame, four new women enter the scene, they all fall in love and make a mess of it, all before patching things up at the end. Suffice to say, it’s a run of the mill plot which could be applied to any situation in life, such as moving to a new city or starting a job, all be it with minor script changes.

Sitcoms like The Inbetweeners always do well as people incessantly latch onto and copy the catchphrases. These are the same people who delight in posting the term “lol” on your Facebook status. Choice highlights from the TV show include “bus wanker”, “clunge” and mocking anyone who says the word “friend” in a tone similar to someone who’s just experienced a stroke.

In this movie however, there doesn’t seem to be any memorable moments that stick in the memory once you’ve left the cinema. Of course there are moments of humour but based around a lad’s holiday abroad, most people have been there and done it, making the viewing experience nothing out of the ordinary. Erratic drunken behaviour and unexpected surprises? Not particularly groundbreaking or imaginative.

But the people of Britain have flocked to the flicks, catapulting it in to the record books for a UK comedy. Whilst the movie industry will be celebrating high visitor numbers, we’re sure that pissed off cinema staff won’t be happy when they have to clean up spilt drinks and thrown snacks after pack screenings finish. Unless you’re a cinema buff, you probably won’t know this little snippet:

“Between Wednesday and Sunday The Inbetweeners Movie took £13.2m, putting it comfortably on top of the UK and Ireland box office chart. Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason held the previous record for highest opening by a UK comedy. According to the producers of The Inbetweeners Movie, that film took £10.4m in its first weekend in 2004.”

If movies based on real life experiences are going down a treat at the box office, then we’ll be working on a script over the next few months in which three people have an awkward conversation in a launderette. Eventually, one of them will realise that they’ve mixed their colours with their whites… with hilarious consequences.

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Madonna is a maniac. She is. You knew that right? She’s gone on a rampage in Malawi and destroyed a school building just because she isn’t as successful or credible as she used to be. It’s an awful, awful state of affairs.

Other schools in impoverished African countries have been put on high-alert as officials worry that Madge could be hellbent on causing catastrophic havoc throughout the fine continent.

With her cold, lifeless eyes and her sinewy, gym-pumped and rage-fed muscles, Madonna took the school down in much the same way as Guile beats cars up in the special level on Street Fighter 2. What will stop her? The death of Lady GaGa?

Oh wait. What?

Oh.

It appears we have the wrong end of the stick. This appears to be a tale of admin, which is way less interesting.

Basically, the 3000 year old megastar planned to build a school for impoverished girls in Malawi, but alas, it has failed after the board of directors of the charity, Raising Malawi, were taken over by a caretaker board.

That’s right! A CARETAKER BOARD!

Madonna has, regrettably, stumped up $3.8 million for the project. She could have spent that money on really cool stuff like a robot cat that fires missiles shaped like Guy Ritchie from its anus. Alas, she’s spent it on an imaginary school.

Plans to build the $15 million school for about 400 girls have now been abandoned.

According to The New York Times, Michael Berg, a co-director of the Kabbalah Centre and the co-founder of Raising Malawi, said:

“A thoughtful decision has been made to discontinue plans for the Raising Malawi Academy for Girls, as it was originally conceived”

The Borderline singer said:

“‘There’s a real education crisis in Malawi. Sixty-seven per cent of girls don’t go to secondary school, and this is simply unacceptable. Our team is going to work hard to address this in every way we can.”

And then she went and smashed up a school in America because they can afford it, before dropping her trousers, taking an astonishingly lengthy piss into a bowler hat, which she then threw over a passing police officer.

That might be a lie.

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Will Smith has reached the pinnacle of his career – acting exclusively in films where he gets to save the world – and now he wants more.

Which is why he's decided to open a brand new private school to give the youth of today the best shot at a high quality education. Will Smith's New Village Academy is set to open in September. And it definitely isn't a Scientologist school, OK?

True, some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school might just happen to be Scientologists, but that hasn't got anything to do with anything. And, yes, the school's curriculum will be based on Scientologist instructional models developed by L Ron Hubbard himself, but that doesn't make it a Scientologist school either. However, the giant, golden rotating statue of Xenu in the playground could well make it look like a Scientologist school. Just joking!

The thing we like best about Will Smith is that he definitely isn't a Scientologist. Definitely not. It'd hurt his career to be a Scientologist, just like it hurt the career of Tom Cruise and, um, the mouthy woman out of King Of Queens, or something.

No, we like Will Smith, like we like our coffee – sceptical about notions that the human race was created because a giant alien dropped an atom bomb into volcano from a golden spaceship shaped like a jumbo jet.

You see, Will Smith definitely isn't a Scientologist. That time he defended Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology was just a display of loyalty to a friend of his who'd been bullied by the media. And that time he gave all the Hancock crew a free voucher for a Scientology personality audit was just a display of being too cheap to buy real them real gifts that they'd ever use. None of this is any suggestion that Will Smith is into Scientology.

And just because Will Smith has founded a private school where Scientologist teachers teach students a set of Scientologist values invented by Scientologist Jesus-figure L Ron Hubbard, it… wait, that does make him sound like kind of a Scientologist, doesn't it?

Of course it doesn't. We know this because Will Smith has indirectly said so himself. The Los Angeles Times reports:

[School head Jacqueline] Olivier responded to written questions about the school submitted through Will Smith's publicist. She said some staff members are Scientologists and others are Muslim, Christian or Jewish. The school has no religious affiliation, she said. "We are a secular school and just like all non-religious independent schools, faculty and staff do not promote their own religions at school or pass on the beliefs of their particular faith to children," Olivier said.  

OK, so Jacqueline Oliver has a point. Just because some of the teachers at Will Smith's new school are Scientologists, it doesn't automatically make Will Smith a Scientologist as well. That'd be like saying that because a number of girls were systematically sexually abused at Oprah Winfrey's private school, Oprah Winfrey is a child abuser. We think. That comparison might not actually hold up to too much scrutiny, so let's move on.

And besides, so what if Will Smith's new school is just a paper-thin facade to churn out a production line of fresh-faced young Scientologists? It's not really any of our business if it is. Plus, let's not forget that every new Scientologist who graduates from Will Smith's school will be expertly qualified to help anyone who's trapped in the wreckage of a horrific car crash, even more so than paramedics. Isn't that a good thing? Isn't it?

Oprah Winfrey loves to force stuff on people – whether it's a fleet of cars, charity debit cards or just nuggets of homespun self-help advice – but force young girls acts to perform sexual acts in Oprah's name and it's a different matter entirely.

That's the case with the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy in South Africa anyway, where it turns out that instead of giving talented-yet impoverished South African girls the chance to develop the full potential that their conditions would have stopped them from reaching, she was actually inadvertently letting them get sexually abused by one of the staff. And now Oprah Winfrey has spoken to journalists about her "devastation" at discovering the scandal, promising that she'd "clean house" while introducing her new all-star teaching staff who'd make sure this would never happen again – Gary Glitter, Jonathan King, R Kelly and the creepy guy from down the road who your mum says touches women on the bus.

Oprah Winfrey didn't get to be the globe-straddling multimedia billionaire that she is now without hitting a few roadbumps along the way. But ultimately these have helped Oprah along her life's path, because there literally isn't a problem in the world that Oprah Winfrey doesn't have some down-home folksy advice for, even if that advice is increasingly "throw money at it it. Spend spend spend. I'm a billionaire, you know."

So far Oprah Winfrey's tactic has paid off – like when Oprah Winfrey heard she didn't have her own radio station, she splashed the cash and got one. Problem solved. Similarly, when Nelson Mandela told Oprah Winfrey that education standards in South Africa were less than satisfactory, Oprah vowed to pay for her own school there, one that took the raw material of the country's most talented but underprivileged girls and turned them into tiny little Oprah-clones through lessons on how to start a successful book club and how to sue people who think you'd be a good president or something.

But when the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy opened, it turned out that the end product wasn't intelligent, free-thinking modern young women but cowering sexual assault victims thanks to the alleged antics of dormitory matron Tiny Virginia Makopo, who's accused of 13 counts of assault, indecent assault and criminal injury against students aged 13 to 23.

Although Oprah Winfrey has apologised to the parents of the students, and visited the school twice in the last month to give the students her personal phone number and email address, yesterday marked the first time that Oprah had discussed the scandal publicly, to journalists via satellite from her home. And here's what she had to say:

"This has been one of the most devastating, if not the most devastating, experience of my life. As with all such experiences, there is always something to be gained, something to be learned… I am a mama bear when it comes to protecting my children. These girls are my children. That is not just rhetoric. I take their futures, and the possibility for what their futures hold, very personally."

That's a big statement from someone who once suffered the indignity of not being let into a French shop when it was closed even though she's on telly and stuff.

So now Oprah Winfrey needs to rebuild her school's reputation from the ground up. The headteacher of the academy has already been suspended, and more changes will no doubt be made as time goes on. For instance, the school's graduation pack will now include a T-shirt bearing the slogan 'Graduated From Oprah Winfrey's Leadership Academy' instead of the current 'I Studied At The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy And All I Got Was A Harrowing Indecent Assault Off A Woman With A Funny Name' which everyone has to agree is a step in the right direction.