Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5′s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap.

And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place in front of a star-studded audience inside the Big Brother compound proving once and for all that crossover episodes are never as realistic as you hope.

It had been expected that Channel 5 would take the opportunity of having a scary film playing in the compound to systematically murder all of the housemates and celebrities who were assembled inside and the world (100 people whose remotes were broken) watched on with bated breath, waiting for the axe-murderer to be released into the house.

Unfortunately the reality was much less interesting (much like Big Brother, in fact). In fact no actual celebrities turned up to the event, leaving the organisers to sift through the dregs of the Z-List. People who were willing to coo about how good the inevitably terrible film was in order to get £50 from the poor bastards doing PR for yet another shark-jumping horror sequel.

On that subject, we did make the slightly erroneous claim that the premiere was ‘star-studded’ but perhaps a ‘diamanté vajazzled’ audience would be a more accurate term. Well-known Jordan lookalike Katie Price (the one with the tits that she hates us mentioning), Dane Bowers (of ‘sexing Katie Price’ fame), Ironik (the least ironic man alive) and Michelle Heaton (nope, no idea) were among the great washed-up to enter the compound in the pursuit of enough money to buy a loaf of bread and some crack.

Of course, it’s yet another premiere that hecklerspray wasn’t invited to despite us finally meeting the criteria that many of our commenters lay down for us. “What have you ever achieved?” We would argue that we’ve achieved more than Dane Bowers and yet here we are picking the mould off the bottom of our tea cups while he has an awkward conversation with Katie Price about male ejaculate over some plastic nachos.

We can’t win.

The third instalment of the horror franchise is set 18 years before the first film, and is directed by the people who made Catfish, a film that is almost as awful as Paranormal Activity III is bound to be.

If someone said ‘Kim Cattrall’ to you, chances are, you wouldn’t know who the shit they were talking about. If they held up a photograph of them, once you’d stopped questioning why they were so keen to get your opinion on something, you’d say “that’s her from Sex And The City and absolutely nothing else!”

Or you might say – “Mannequin. Wasn’t she in that? No idea. Will you please leave me alone now, because I’ve got things to be getting on with.”

Basically, this no-mark actor will forever be thought of as Samantha Jones from SATC and no-one thinks any different, right? Wrong. See, Kim Cattrall is under the impression that the good people of Blighty don’t just view her as being her Sex And The City character. When we do.

In fact, we’re just like you, inasmuch that when we see Cattrall, we instantly assume she’s exactly the same as her SATC character. She’s so typecast in our heads that we think that, away from the whirring cameras, she’s a man-eating, spunk-guzzling floozy who just can’t get enough dick in her.

Sorry about that. Could be worse. You could’ve been typecast as a child murderer.

Either way, Cattrall is under the illusion that we wonky toothed Brits think of her as anything but…

“In England they aren’t interested in casting me as Samantha. Across the pond they see me as an actress who plays many roles, so I am interested in continuing to work in television and I have a project with the BBC which I am producing”

So, what freeing roles has she been getting, which are drastically different from her previous famous gigs of Sex And The City, Porky’s and Police Academy?

She recently made a movie comeback starring as an ageing porn star in Meet Monica Velour.

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Sex And The City is a show that should have been taken to a public square and flogged to within an inch of its life, leaving only a greasy stain and a pair of expensive shoes. Effectively, the show managed to make womankind look like the most vapid, arrogant, backward idiots ever to walk this awful revolving speck of dust we call our planet.

One of the most jarring characters in the show was dead-eyed, corpse-minge of Samantha as played by Kim Cattrall.

And because us plebs consistently forget that these people are actors, portraying a fictional creation, we’re happy to assume that Kim is exactly the same as her most famous role or, at the very least, people get the two confused… which is why she’s right to be frightened of the dating game.

Kim Cattrall apparently finds the whole dating thing “scary”, making her feel like she’s 14 again (she hails from Liverpool – they start young there). She’s dating because she has split with her long-time partner Alan Wyse, leaving her to look back on her numerous failed marriages, trying to work out if she’s an idiot or, indeed, all men are ghouls.

She says:

“It’s pretty good. I’m dating, getting out there. It’s scary but also it’s exciting. It’s both of those things. It’s a tight rope, you know? It’s feeling like you’re 14 again, which you kind of like when you’re 54.”

Of course, we can only assume that the men she’s currently attracting all continually mistake her for her SATC character, meaning that they’re more than happy to try and throw one up her bum without asking before giving a cheeky shrug, ejaculating in her hair and then wandering off into the night without a care in the world.

No wonder she’s finding it all a bit frightening.

Still, it is the least she deserves for being partly responsible for the dreadful, dreadful SATC movies, of which it doesn’t look like there will be another:

“I have to say, I really don’t think so, maybe a prequel. But I don’t know. I think that everybody who could make this happen in the sense of the script and directing has gone on to other things, and I really wish them all the best.”

Good riddance.

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FROM DIETPIXIE – We didn’t think it was possible, but Courtney Love this week became even more scary.

The controversial singer raised concerns about her health when she went shopping in LA wearing a 1920s see-through lace dress and looking like a bag of bones.

Sure, health scares and Courtney Love is not a new thing. Just like the words ‘Courtney Love’ and ‘scary’ are no strangers either.

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