What’s that? They have? In fact, one of the first witnesses in the entire OJ Simpson armed robbery and kidnapping trial clutched his chest in the middle of his testimony thinking he was going to have a heart attack because that’s how scary even the thought of OJ Simpson is to him? Oh, right, sorry.

However, this seems like a massive misstep on the part of the prosecutors. Deploying the witness with the weakest heart at the start of the OJ Simpson trial? The jury’s bound to forget about that when it comes to deliberation time. Either the prosecutors have blown their big chance to convict OJ Simpson or there’s another star witness who’ll come on at the end, spontaneously combust, pop his eyeballs out and poo fire. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Yesterday was the day so many of us had been waiting for. No, not because Britney Spears announced her new poptastic album, but because the long-awaited OJ Simpson armed robbery and kidnapping trial finally got underway in Las Vegas.

It’s been a long hard road to get here – OJ Simpson’s alleged henchmen had to be persuaded to testify against him and the court had to assemble the most mean-spirited Caucasian jury in history before anything exciting could happen – but yesterday things got going with a bang.

OK, not really a bang. To be honest it was more of a minuscule cardiovascular rupture, and it wasn’t even that. But whatever it was, it was all thanks to witness Bruce Fromong.

Bruce Fromong is, of course, the sports memorabilia collector who OJ Simpson allegedly raided with a gang of gun-toting heavies while wailing “You think you can steal my shit?” like the overzealous curator of the world’s biggest Crap Museum.

His testimony would have been one of the most compelling of the trial, since he was the man who OJ Simpson apparently robbed and who owns an audio recording of the raid that seems to back his story up. But no, Bruce Fromong had to go and make it all even more dramatic by almost having a heart attack in front of everyone during his testimony. The New York Daily News reports:

Fromong called for medical help while under a barrage of
questions from Simpson’s attorney. His testimony was suddenly
halted as emergency medical technicians rushed to the courtroom to
bring Fromong’s blood pressure under control. “He has 50% heart capacity,” said Fromong’s lawyer Louis Schneider. “While he was on the stand, he started to feel heated.”

Now, there are three ways to look at this. Firstly, it could all be true. Bruce Fromong could have an especially weak heart and the intensity of a court environment coupled with the fact that he could effectively jail OJ Simpson for life got to him. We don’t believe a word of this.

Secondly, Bruce Fromong could have faked a heart attack to either prevent him from answering some tricky questions from the defence or exaggerate the level of fear that he feels in the presence of OJ Simpson. Again, we don’t believe this either, despite the tactic’s obvious success rate.

And that leaves option three – that OJ Simpson is a Magneto-like supervillian who can destroy the bodies of his enemies with the vindictive power of his mind alone. This, we’d argue, is absolutely the cause of Fromong’s heart attack scare and OJ Simpson should instantly go to a specially-built electro-magnetic detention centre four miles under the North Pole where he’ll never be able to harm anyone ever again.

The trial continues today. Unless OJ Simpson manages to implode everyones’ ribcages with his brain-rays and make his escape on the back of a jet rocket, of course. Could happen.

It was an age of moralising without snobbery, with heroes you wanted to be and leading men you wished you could just hug and say ‘thank you’ to.

Paul Newman is a man from that age, and to this day he carries on being a shining example to the world of Hollywood as to what makes a man.

Newman doesn’t bother hyping himself up to be our new saviour – he eschews the limelight that could so easily surround his incredible array of charity works and instead focuses on, well, raising the money. Not constantly appearing on TV to tell us all that he’s raising money – the man just goes out there and does it, managing to make some damn fine marinades for your chicken in the process.

Not like those modern day ponces who skip around from chat show to radio discussion, elaborating to anyone who cares (clue: no one) on how they aim to change the world, that China may not have a great human rights record and generally patronising all with the combination of ears and the ability to understand language.

Nor does he take his time being clinically insane, leaping about the place, alienating fans and generally being a grade ‘A’ berk. The man may subscribe to a religion, he may not, but he certainly doesn’t jog around from port to port cramming his beliefs down anyone’s throat.

What a guy.

Paul Newman inhabits the same echelon of existence saved for members of the human race who are just great, above all reproach and come across as thoroughly nice people – like Gregory Peck, for example. The kind of people that even we at hecklerspray towers find it hard to take issue with.

But unlike the Pecker, Newman isn’t dead. And if his latest statement about his health is anything to go on, the 83-year-old won’t be for a while. Speaking to journalists through his spokesperson, the following factoid was revealed:

“Newman says he’s doing nicely.”

Granted, this does nothing to quell the rumours that the retired actor is gravely ill with cancer, but if Paul says he’s doing great, hecklerspray believes him.

If one of the manliest men that has ever existed tells you he’s okay – even if it’s through a third party – then he’s okay. Stop the speculation and just hope the alleged lung cancer isn’t true; we’ve had enough life-threatening cancer for this year, thanks.

To be fair though, cancer clearly wouldn’t stand a chance against Newman. He’d crack a pool cue over that fucker’s back.