Sadly, this is something that needs to be explained to the owner of a New York bar and nightclub. Although Lindsay Lohan is being sued by a student who claims Lindsay stole her $11,000 fur coat from someone else’s bar, John JE Englebert has decided to not only pay the lawsuit settlement on Lindsay Lohan’s behalf, but to also buy her a fur coat identical to the one she allegedly stole.

There’s a cavaet to this deal, though – if Lindsay Lohan accepts his offer, she has to give up this silly ‘recovery’ business of hers. Without Lindsay Lohan’s prodigious alcoholism to buoy his businesses up, he’s had to start farming his children’s internal organs to Russian street gangs just to pay for the sawdust that his family has been reduced to eating these days.

Thank god Lindsay Lohan is back in the news. Really, we mean it. It must have been, what, three or four hours since she last did something collosally stupid and got in the papers for it? That’s far too long in our book.

But Lindsay Lohan is back, and just in the nick of time, too – what with Dina Lohan getting crowed as Mother Of The Year by the Bitter Irony Association Of America and Ali Lohan talking about something to do with bullying, Lindsay Lohan needed to come back and firmly reassert herself as the primary cause of the Lohan family’s woeful dysfunction.

That’s precisely what Lindsay Lohan has done, and all it took was one offensively overpriced sheet of stitched-together dead animal. For the uninitiated: a student named Masha Markova claims that Lindsay Lohan stole her $11,000 fur coat from New York bar 1 Oak, a story that appears to be confirmed by several magazine pictures of Lindsay Lohan leaving the bar wearing an $11,000 fur coat.

Although the coat was returned to her through the bar, Masha Markova nevertheless decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for allegedly taking it in the first place and making it smell like cigarettes and alcohol, presumably by storing it in her mouth. And that’s where we are now – with Lindsay Lohan and Masha Markova locked in a fierce legal battle that’ll hopefully result in joint exile or a nonfatal maiming of some kind.

Except it won’t, and that’s because the owner of 1 Oak’s New York rivals – the Prime nightclub and Suzie Wong Sake Lounge – has stepped in and offered to fix Lindsay Lohan’s problems, out of nothing more than the goodness of his own heart and a freakish compulsion to constantly be the centre of attention. OK! reports:

John JE Englebert, owner of Prime nightclub and Suzi Wong Saki lounge says he’s willing to buy Lindz the same $11,000 blonde mink coat she allegedly stole back in January. “I know what its like to have mistaken identity,” John said in a statement released Wednesday. “Many times people take the wrong coat thinking that it’s theirs at my nightclubs. I am offering to take Lindsay on a mink shopping spree with me, to have the coat of her choice.” He also plans to help settle the lawsuit filed by Columbia student Masha Markova.

Ahhh, so that’s why John JE Englebert is so keen to help Lindsay Lohan out – it’s because he appears to be an obnoxiously creepy man.

But, hey, it seems like a win-win to us. If Lindsay Lohan accepts Englebert’s offer, then Masha Markova gets her money, Englebert gets the publicity for his businesses that he clearly craves and Lindsay Lohan gets let off the hook and receives a brand new fur coat in the process.

And, if she’s really lucky, maybe Englebert will even give her a job bartending at the Suzi Wong Saki Lounge. It’s not like she’s got much else to do these days, is it?

Read more:

NYC Club Owner Offers Lindsay a Mink Coat! – OK

Alright, that’s a lie – the Neverland ranch is probably near the bottom of the list, coming some way after his ghoulish facial surgery, the seemingly bizarre treatment of his children, his child molestation court case, the porn, the Jesus juice and that monkey he used to own – but it doesn’t matter. Michael Jackson has finally fought off foreclosure on Neverland, so it’s his forever.

Alright, that’s also a lie – by ‘his’ we mean it’s technically the property of the investment company who bought the loan that Michael Jackson took out to save Neverland, and by ‘forever’ we mean for about a fortnight until Michael Jackson gets behind on his repayments again – but that doesn’t really matter either. Probably.

Sorry friendless millionaire hermits, we’ve got some bad news. It looks as though you’ll have to build your own nightmarishly creepy fairground shrine to your lost childhood where you can get drunk and look at porn in now, because Neverland is off the market for good.

You’ll remember that earlier this year Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch faced foreclosure after Michael defaulted on the $24 million property loan. Although Michael Jackson managed to wiggle out of the foreclosure by refinancing it with a big investment group, it was only a temporary solution – instead of cancelling the foreclosure auction outright, it was only postponed until today.

But, just in the nick of time, Michael Jackson has managed to avoid foreclosure for good and keep Neverland for himself by doing all sorts of complex financial maneuverings that don’t really seem to be all that clever or safe, as the Los Angeles Times reports:

Pop star Michael Jackson sidestepped a foreclosure auction of his Neverland Ranch after an investment company bought the loan on the troubled Los Olivos property, a spokeswoman said Sunday. The loan purchase by Colony Capital LLC was the latest deal to keep the 2,500-acre ranch from being sold off. In a statement released by a Jackson spokesman, who identified himself as B. Michael, the pop star said he was “pleased with recent developments involving Neverland” that would “allow me to focus on the future.”

Thank god – now that Neverland is safe Michael Jackson can now finally start focusing on the future. That’s important, because it’s difficult to plan to spend far beyond your means, consistently fail to record any new material and entangle yourself in a string of ever more complicated financial woes when a house you haven’t lived in for several years is up for sale.

Although out of the woods for the time being, Michael Jackson has such an ingrained history of failing to pay those he owes money to that it’s only a matter of time before he has to sell the loan of the loan of the loan on yet again to another investment firm with a set of even more unfavourable conditions, putting Neverland in danger once more.

We hope so, at least, because we’ve got plans to buy Neverland and convert it into a fancy hotel. Honestly, we think we can charge to dollar to let people sleep in rooms where it was once claimed that a frightmask-faced shell of a washed-up pop star wanked off a teenage cancer sufferer, especially if the rooms come with views overlooking a harrowing broken-down fairground.

Read more:

Michael Jackson gets to keep Neverland Ranch - LA Times