Wonderful news folks! Mario Lopez is getting married! We’re thrilled to bits. You see, we like the chap who played A.C. Slater so much that we turned a boring news article about Coheed & Cambria into a brief history of Mario Lopez.

He really is a very, very splendid man.

And now the Saved By The Beller is all grown-up and getting hitched to, quite possibly, the luckiest woman who ever lived. And something must be in the air because only a few months ago, Zack Morris (aka Mark-Paul Gosselaar) got engaged and… well… Skreech is still trying to live down his sex tape.

Mario Lopez is tying the knot with the beautiful Courtney Mazza. They’ve been together since 2008 and not that long ago, they had a baby together. She’s called Gia. Luckiest little girl who ever lived, thanks to having the most amazing dad in the world.

Of course, Mario Lopez has had a thoroughly fantastic life outside of babies, marriages and Saved By The Bell.

Currently, he’s working as a presenter on Extra (best TV show ever made) and America’s Best Dance Crew (the second best TV show ever made) as well as being the world’s greatest boxing analyst and sometimes host of the not at all strange Miss Teen USA Pageants.

Basically, he’s all kinds of wonderful. Mario Lopez is like life or death. Mario Lopez is like earth, wind and fire. Mario Lopez is like sex to a nympho. Mario Lopez is like ecstasy for ladies, he’s like all races combined in one man. Mario Lopez is like a poor man’s dream, a thug poet.

He’s half-man, half-amazing.

There’s no date set for the wedding, but the best pair of humans who ever lived are reportedly getting married in Mexico and the entire world has been invited.

We’ll be there, crying at the majesty of Mario Lopez.

Jesus Christ. If Coheed & Cambria weren’t lame enough, the bass player from the band (pictured right)  has only gone and done the most rubbish heist in human history. Not content with peddling wearisome lamerock, he’s gone and stolen some antacids from a chemist. With a phone.

Seriously. The pinhead, called Michael Todd, couldn’t even be bothered to write out a stickup note, preferring to tap it out on his mobile and show them that.

It probably said: ‘THS IS A STICKUP PT UR HNDS UP N GV ME ALL UR TABLTS OR ELSE PMSL kthnxbai‘

So what was this complete berk doing then? Well, he made off with a Massachusetts pharmacy’s prescription pain pills a matter of hours before his scheduled rock concert.

Presumably the tablets were to deal with the unbearable pain of a) Having to listen to his own music and b) Dealing with his gratingly sycophantic fanbase.

And even though it barely registers on the crime scale, Todd was arrested by bored policemen who had absolutely no idea he was in a vaguely famous group in the first place.

In fact, most of you haven’t got a clue who Coheed & Cambria are and too busy looking at the lovely picture of AC Slater above. For the record ‘AC’ stands for ‘Albert Clifford’. Of course, Slater was played by the dashing Mario Lopez who describes himself as a ‘committed Catholic’ and a conservative when it comes to voting.

You obviously know him from Saved By The Bell, but he’s appeared in a whole bunch of stuff. Did you know he was in an episode of  The Golden Girls as a Cuban boy named Mario who faced deportation? That must’ve been a gas!

Most recently, he appeared in Dancing with the Stars, finishing in second place, which is just great. Better yet, is that Lopez hosted the creepy sounding Miss Teen USA. AC Slater would’ve definitely approved.

What? Coheed & Cambria? No-one cares about those pricks do they?

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10 – Oh, men who trample on the skulls of other men, what would the internet be without you…

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Poor old Dustin Diamond. His fellow Saved By The Bell alumni have all moved on – Elisabeth Berkley has her nudity and Mario Lopez has his gratuitous self-love, for example – but he hasn’t.

But don’t feel sorry for Dustin Diamond because he’s doomed to spend the rest of his life stereotyped into a perpetual inescapable vacuum where he’ll only be known as Screech from Saved By The Bell to everyone he ever meets all the time forever until he dies, because some good has come out of it.

Dustin Diamond, you see, has decided to use his notoriety to pen a no-holds-barred Saved By The Bell tell-all book that’ll chronicle the cast’s naughty shenanigans in a frank and shocking manner. Honestly? We’re underwhelmed. Now, if there was a Hangin’ With Mr Cooper tell-all book coming out…

Dustin Diamond probably resents Saved By The Bell a little bit – he knows in his heart of hearts that the first thing the paramedics will say after they’ve failed to resuscitate his elderly body several years into the future is “Hey, that’s Screech from Saved By The Bell. Truly he was the Gary Coleman of normal-sized white men,” – but that would be doing the show a great disservice.

Look at all the headlines Dustin Diamond made in the last few years. None of them would even exist without Saved By The Bell. Would we have had Screech Almost Mugged By A Girl? No, we would have had Scrawny Anonymous Man With Problem Hair Almost Mugged By A Girl.

And how would we have reported the Screech from Saved By The Bell sex tape? Scrawny Anonymous Man With Problem Hair Wipes His Shit-Covered Hands Over A Girl’s Face After Doing Her Up The Bum? That doesn’t even scan at all.

No, being on Saved By The Bell was the greatest thing that could ever have happened to Dustin Diamond, and he knows it. That show is the gift that keeps on giving. It saved his house from foreclosure, it got him on that slightly humiliating child-star edition of The Weakest Link and it’s now hurling him into the world of publishing.

Yes, according to reports, Dustin Diamond has signed a publishing deal for a shocking tell-all book detailing his days on Saved By The Bell. According to New York magazine:

Behind the Bell, which Gotham Books preempted from Objective Entertainment’s Jarred Weisfeld, promises to detail “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying,” and for those of us who spent untold hours in our formative years memorizing “I’m So Excited” and the entire back catalog of Zack Attack, this is the greatest book deal in the history of the universe.

Sex? Drugs? In Saved By The Bell? That hardly sounds convincing, unless milkshakes have suddenly been reclassified as narcotics and Mark-Paul Gosselaar‘s slightly nauseating infatuation with himself counts as a sexual escapade these days.

Still, what do we know – Dustin Diamond was there during the Saved By The Bell days and we weren’t, so we should hold off from making any sudden judgements until we’ve read the thing.

Even though we’re fully aware that Dustin Diamond only wrote a book in the first place so he could star as his childhood self in the movie adaptation of it. And, that when that day happens, it’ll be the happiest day of his life.