Who doesn’t love the X-Factor? Oh that’s right, people who listen to supposed “real” music. They’re the types who’ll only listen to music made by those who play their own instruments, write songs without the word “love” being mentioned and only release fifty copies of their album on limited edition cassette tapes.

For everyone else, Saturday nights on ITV are awash with yoghurt adverts, technical glitches and the occasional performance. This year, the judging panel line up has changed dramatically with only Irish demi-arse Louis Walsh remaining to continue to mentor the novelty act category.

The most surprising judge to break the dreams of overweight teenagers this year is Kelly Rowland. Prior to getting work in the UK, she was best-known for being one of Beyonce’s backing dancers in Destiny’s Child. We can’t knock her for hitching a cheap way to the top. With the sole responsibility of mentoring the girls category in X-Factor, you’d think she’d have a clear focus. But no, it seems she’s sex mad.

Frankly, it’s about time that Kelly Rowland developed a bit of personality and became more than just the shouty American woman on X-Factor who seems a bit lost. After all, Gary Barlow is badly filling in as the pantomime villain whilst Simon Cowell wanders off across the pond to exploit an American singer to stardom. Elsewhere, Tulisa is filling in for whatever Cheryl Cole did. So what does Kelly have to say for herself?

“You can’t keep me away from a good sex shop. Those are interesting places. I go with a bunch of people that way no one recognises me.”

Now some people would class an interesting place as somewhere that inspires them; a stunning piece of art in a gallery, carefully constructed architecture or just venturing out of their comfort zone to experience something new. But for Kelly Rowland, the sight of a PVC gimp suit with matching vibrator belt seems to do the trick.

However, Kelly only visits good sex shops, so what makes a bad one? Would it be if any dildos returned to the shop weren’t disposed, but instead repackaged with the pubes removed and put back But if you’re a star like Kelly Rowland, how do you visit filth shops. That’s right, use a disguise and she supposedly did this the other night when Janet was evicted. It was reported she donned:

“An orange turban and huge sunglasses.”

Unless she managed to hide her boobs and female figure, any perverts in the sex shop would pounce on her like zombies and literally maul her to death, kind of like when Mufasa got destroyed by those wildebeest in The Lion King.

Everyone loves a nice wedding, don’t they? Or failing that, a mediocre wedding. Or failing that, a wedding between Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.

And it’s a good job that everyone loves that, because it’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are going to get married this very Saturday. We know! It clashes with Norwegian Constitution Day! We’re so torn!

But what about the details of this Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz marriage extravaganza? Has it been officially confirmed? No. Where will it be held? We don’t know. Does this mean that Pete Wentz definitely knocked Ashlee Simpson up? Probably. What if he hasn’t? Then they’re both idiots. How long will this marriage last, anyway? Probably like a week, maybe.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are probably the most adorable couple who you couldn’t give a sloppy plop about in the world right now. But it’s OK that you don’t care whether Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz live or die, because the love they have for each other is personal and private and special and sacred. We know this because they’re all over every single bloody magazine and TV show telling us how private their relationship is all the time, so it must be true.

So keen are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz to keep their love private, in fact, that nobody even knows if Ashlee Simpson is pregnant or not. Although Pete Wentz says she isn’t, reports say she is and Ashlee herself is all like “It’s a secret,” and “It’s personal,” and “Hey, buy my new album.” And this level of frankly unnecessary secrecy even extends to their wedding.

According to reports in US Weekly, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting married this Saturday at a location so top-secret that guests are going to be blindfolded, injected with muscle relaxant, spun around for 15 minutes and then driven to the venue on the back of a old-fashioned donkey cart while blasts of white noise are fired into their terrified drooping faces just so it stays as private as they want:

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a “top secret” location, a source close to the couple told Usmagazine.com. “Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice,” the source told Us. On Saturday, “all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location,” the source explained. Regarding Simpson’s upcoming wedding, her spokesperson told Us: “This is a private matter. There is nothing to confirm.”

So, since the spokespeople are acting so cagey, we should really ask the question: Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz really getting married on Saturday at all? And the answer is: We don’t care, and you’re a terrible person if you care.

This is Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz we’re talking about here – the sister of a mildly famous person and the third most important member of a hopeless pop punk band.

If one of them got their jaw kicked off by an angry cow, it’d be hard to bring ourselves to care, so a marriage is hardly going to rock our world, is it?

Still, though, you have to admit that all this secrecy is a little exciting – it’s like the Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon wedding only more thunderingly pointless and even more likely to end in a soul-raping VH-1 reality TV show.

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Source: Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Will Marry This Saturday - US

If you thought that spending your Saturday evenings staying in watching retired rugby players and semi-forgotten former soapstars stomp around a stage in sequinny leotards was as low as you could get, think again.

Because we'll say one thing in Strictly Come Dancing's defence – it isn't about choirs. It doesn't take a genius to see that a primetime BBC One reality talent show based around choirs would probably be the worst televisual idea since Minipops or Vernon Kay or something, but tell that to BBC One. That's because BBC One has just commissioned Choir Wars, a sort of X Factor but for choirs. We know, we know, the last thing we want to watch is a competitive Songs Of Praise too, but at least it'll keep Graham Norton off the streets for a few months next year.

Believe it or not but more people watched Strictly Come Dancing on BBC One than X Factor on ITV on Saturday. It might have been because every spare second of X Factor is so full of ADHD bangs and whooshes that the whole thing sounds overbearingly like an explosion in a bubble-wrap factory, or because on Strictly Come Dancing it's far more obvious that all the contestants are doing it with their professional partners, but it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because the success of Strictly Come Dancing means that BBC One can do primetime Saturday night talent shows better than anyone else. Except it can't.

Take Strictly Come Dancing out of the equation and you're left with a litany of BBC One Saturday night talent shows so unforgivingly shit that even watching a second of any of them will leave you quivering in a corner like a girl in a child abuse advert. If we're not being forced to watch Andrew Lloyd Webber's smug toady face contorting into all kinds of potential sex-offender faces as he watches a ghastly bunch of stage school tossers over-emote to hits of the day, then we're being forced to watch Dance X – the worst television show in history and the sole reason we keep waking up in the night screaming "Stop trying to act like a teenager you ridiculous little Italian bell-end!"

Will the new BBC One Saturday night talent show carry on this proud tradition of dreadfulness or will it be, you know, good? Here's a clue – it's called Choir Wars and it's about choirs. So that's that answer cleared up, then. Basically it sounds as though Choir Wars will be like X Factor, but without the solo singers who always win it. That's correct, Choir Wars is the toe-curling X Factor group category stretched out to fill its own show.

Sadly, it seems as if Choir Wars won't be like Robot Wars and feature choirs with buzz-saws and self-righting mechanisms charging head-first at each other in a pit while Craig Charles screams wordless cries of excitement from a balcony, rather Choir Wars will be about choirs. Singing choirs.

The official explanation for Choir Wars is that choirs from around the country will be allowed to sing any style of music they want 'from gospel and barbershop to classical, folk and rock' and they'll be judged on their 'personality, passion, power and performance', whatever that means. A choir will be eliminated from Choir Wars each week until just one victorious choir is left, holding the bloody torn-off limbs of less successful choirs in the air like in 300 or something at which point they'll release an album and remember why there aren't many superstar choirs. It sounds incredible.

But, hey, well done to BBC One. First it revived ballroom dancing and now it's reviving choirs. If Choir Wars is a success then BBC One might even look at other outmoded forms of entertainment to base Saturday night talent shows around, like Strictly Come Badger-Baiting or Leprosy X.

That's assuming that Choir Wars goes ahead, of course – it might all fall though at the last minute since the Choir Wars team are apparently looking for a strongly opinionated 'Simon Cowell of the choir world' to head the show's judging panel. And surely nobody cares enough about choirs to actually have an opinion about them.