Admit it, the highlight of your November was going to involve examining Levi Johnston’s penis for protruding veins.

Well not any more, tough guy. That just isn’t going to happen. Sure, ever since Levi Johnston first announced his upcoming Playgirl spread, everyone had assumed that he’d whap his willy around at some point – but now the Playgirl photoshoot has taken place, and we’re sad to report that Levi Johnston keeps it covered up throughout.

Obviously by ’sad to report’ we mean ’sad that our lives have reached a point where we’re expected to express emotion based on whether or not an opportunistic redneck has displayed his genitalia in a magazine for money or not’, but you get the point.

This week is all about Sarah Palin, isn’t it? Thanks to the release of her book Going Rogue has been released, people across the world now have the opportunity to see how little sense she makes without the hassle of being distracted by her slightly milfy face. But obviously that’s just the appetiser. The book’s release, and all of Sarah Palin’s accompanying media appearances, has just been the warm-up to the main event – the public unveiling of Levi Johnston’s penis and testicles.

This coming Saturday, the world is going to finally get what it’s been waiting for. Or, if not that, then what it’s been slightly curious about seeing. Or, if not that, then what it’s been hiding in a corner with its hands jammed over its face doing its best to desperately avoid. That’s right – Levi Johnston’s naked Playgirl spread.

As well as being good news for those who enjoy staring what could be mistaken at close range for a set of chicken giblets that have been rolled around a barbershop’s floor for half an hour, Levi Johnston’s Playgirl spread also made headlines for one other reason – Levi Johnston didn’t just hate Sarah Palin enough to star in Playgirl on the week of her book’s release, but he hated her enough to show the world exactly what ruined her chances of becoming vice president. Because, according to reports, Levi Johnston was going to get his penis out.

Except now he’s not. Levi’s Playgirl photos have all been taken, and apparently there isn’t even a soupçon of bollock in there. People reports:

“He did not give ‘full frontal’ as his manager Tank [Jones] reported he would,” Daniel Nardicio, a spokesman for Playgirl [said]. Still, said Nardicio, “We’re thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them, but although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity.”

Consider this a reprieve, Sarah Palin. You know as well as we do that a photograph of Levi Johnston standing square to camera with his scrotum flapping in the wind would have ended your political ambitions for good. But a photograph of Levi Johnston facing away from the camera, bending over so you can see a glimpse of bumhole, and gleefully winking like a man who’s just won the pools? You’re in the clear. Good news all round.

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Is it just us, or has the sexual tension between Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston become too much to take?

It’s just us? Oh fine, spoil our dreams. Anyway, Sarah Palin and Levi Johnstone have spent the last few days lobbing grenades at each other in the media. Levi – the father of Sarah Palin’s illegitimate grandchild – has accused Palin of referring to her youngest child, who has Downs syndrome, as ‘retarted’, and Sarah Palin has responded by getting all “He’s not retarded, you’re retarded” back at him. We’re paraphrasing.

But Levi Johnston will have the last laugh – he’s allowed a man to photograph his genitals for cash. Top that, Palin. Actually, don’t.

You know, we may have got Levi Johnston wrong. In the last few weeks, as he unveiled his pistachio commercial and announced that he was getting his todger out for Playgirl, we compared him to Kevin Federline – a barely-there celebrity who got famous by knocking up someone inappropriate and has been desperately clinging onto his rapidly-diminishing status ever since. But that’s not the case at all.

You see, in actual fact Levi Johnston is Jon Gosselin. And it turns out that Sarah Palin is Kate Gosselin. It’s true – like the Gosselins, Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin have realised that the only way they’ll ever be able to stay famous is to badmouth each other through the media as much as they humanly can. Seriously, the only things stopping them from being identical to the Gosselins are Levi Johnston’s lack of hairplugs and Sarah Palin’s lack of a dreadful grating voic…. well, OK, maybe it’s just the hairplug thing.

But anyway, the latest round of this Johnston/ Palin rumble – neatly coinciding with the release of Sarah Palin’s forthcoming autobiography – got going during Levi Johnston’s interview with CBS’s The Early Show, where he described how Sarah Palin apparently likes to refer to her son Trig, who has Downs syndrome:

“She’ll be coming home from work, and she’ll be like ‘Where’s my retarded baby?’ and all this.”

And this, of course, meant that Sarah Palin got to dust off her trusty old outraged face and release this statement in response:

“We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family. We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our ‘blessed little angel’ who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life… Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies. Those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention.”

It goes without saying that either Sarah Palin or Levi Johnston is lying here, but which one is it? Oh, who cares. So long as they both end up starring in a hilarious Odd Couple-style reality TV show, then we’ll be happy not knowing.

What’s more, it’s important to remember none of this would be happening if Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston didn’t both have something to sell at the moment. One of them, for instance, is selling a gratuitous and unnecessary load of cock and balls. But aside from Sarah Palin’s autobiography, Levi Johnston is also posing naked for a porno mag quite soon.

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Levi Johnston is like buses. Specifically big, stupid-looking sexually-misinformed, culturally-notorious buses.

Let us explain. Like buses, you can go your whole life waiting for one woefully opportunistic grasp for ephemeral celebrity from Levi Johnston, and then two come along at once. You might remember earlier this week when Levi Johnston decided to cash in his fame as the father of Sarah Palin’s illegitimate grandchild by doing a TV commercial for some pistachio nuts. Well that’s nothing.

Because Levi Johnston will soon pose naked for Playgirl. Finally we’ll get to see the dick that ruined Sarah Palin’s election hopes. Oh no, wait, that was Sarah Palin.

If we were Kevin Federline, we’d be sweating right now. Admittedly if we were Kevin Federline we’d be sweating all the time, largely because we’d become so morbidly obese in recent months that even breathing in and out would be a gargantuan battle of will vs basic physics, but we digress.

What we meant to say was that if we were Kevin Federline we’d be sweating a lot right now in particular because of Levi Johnston. For years Kevin Federline has meticulously built up a reputation as the world’s most awful, self-serving, coattail-riding celebrity babydaddy – as demonstrated by his hip-hop career, mind-numbing cameos on television shows and his preposterous willingness to do anything to keep his name in the limelight – and now Levi Johnston has come along to casually run him off the track.

Sure, a few months ago Levi Johnston might have posed topless for GQ, but that was to accompany an article about how he got caught up in the Republican election machine by getting Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter pregnant, so it’s sort of forgivable. And, sure, Levi Johnston might have starred in a tacky pistachio nut commercial this week, but he’s got a baby to feed now. He can’t go round turning down large amounts of money like that.

And now Levi Johnston has agreed to pose naked for Playgirl, which… um, no, actually we can’t think of a decent excuse for that at all. Ick. AP reports:

Posing nude for Playgirl is next for the 19-year-old father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild. Johnston’s attorney said that a formal agreement has not been reached with the online magazine but adds it’s a “foregone conclusion” it will happen… To get ready for his close-up, Johnston is training three hours a day, six nights a week at an Anchorage gym with a local body builder.

That’s good. At least Levi Johnston is taking his Playgirl shoot seriously enough to train for it. Honestly, there’s nothing worse than going onto the internet to deliberately stare at the bare ballsack of a man primarily famous for getting a teenage redneck pregnant only to discover that he’s got a slightly flabby midriff, is there?

There’s nothing for it. Kevin Federline needs to fight back against this cocky young whippersnapper before he’s overshadowed completely. And he should totally fight fire with fire. That’s right, we’re suggest that Kevin Federline’s comeback should involve him posing naked for – hang on, sorry, we just threw up.

Kevin Federline’s comeback should involve him posing naked for – wait, no, sorry, we’ve thrown up again. It’s all in our lap. We think we’ve got a partially-digested chunk of apple lodged in one of our sinuses, too. Oh, this is unpleasant.

Maybe Kevin Federline should just write a book or something.

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Here’s an important life lesson for you, boys – if you want to get rich, knock up a politician’s underage daughter.

Just look at Levi Johnston. Ever since he accidentally torpedoed Sarah Palin’s White House ambitions by getting her 17-year-old daughter pregnant, Levi Johnston has been living the jetset life of a true celebrity. A true celebrity who is famous for appearing in one commercial for a brand of pistachio nuts that nobody has ever heard of, based on a pun that doesn’t really work, and nothing else.

Levi Johnston, you’ve really hit the big time now! The video’s after the jump…

In the game of life, one person’s loss is another’s gain. Take Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston, for example. No so long ago it was Palin who had the upper hand over Levi Johnston, drafting him into a lifetime of politicking and plainly batshit stories about the world only being 6,000 years old because he accidentally got her daughter pregnant, and then casting him aside when he was no longer required. But, oh, how the tables have turned.

Because where is Sarah Palin now? She’s no longer governor of Alaska, her dreams of ever reaching high office get more and more distant each day and she’s just written a book that’s probably 65% thinner than she wanted it to be because the publisher decided not to print her crayon drawings of Jesus firing lightning bolts out of his eyes at some moose, Barack Obama and, confusingly, a sign reading ‘BIG GUVVAMUNT’, even though she specifically wanted them to illustrate most of her points.

But where is Levi Johnston now? That’s right – he’s completely outshone his almost-mother-in-law in just about every respect, in that he’s taken his shirt off for a magazine and done an advert for some bar snacks. Has Sarah Palin ever done either of those things? No. No she hasn’t. Game, set and match to Levi Johnston.

All of which is an annoyingly long precursor to Levi Johnston’s new commercial for Wonderful Pistachio Nuts. We don’t say this lightly, but in terms of adverts starring boys who are only famous for knocking up legitimate celebrities, it’s almost as good as that advert where Kevin Federline cooked a burger. Take a look…

Now we don’t know about you, but we saw a trace of a young James Dean in Levi Johnston’s commercial. Yes, we’re certain of it – if James Dean had ignored acting for a life of engaging in unprotected casual sex with the underage daughters of ambitious Alaskan politicians even though a pre-marital pregnancy would violently undermine the politician’s core beliefs, then caught a fleeting glimpse of fame because he did end up getting the politician’s daughter pregnant and was offered a role in a pistachio nut commercial, then Levi Johnston would be a dead ringer for him.

So well done, Levi Johnston. The sky’s the limit. If, obviously, your definition of ‘the sky’ is ‘possibly one more pistachio nut commercial and then a lifetime of bitter anonymity’, that is.

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Wolves, you’ve just earnt yourselves a respite. Sarah Palin is currently too busy to shoot you from a helicopter with a machinegun.

It’s all thanks to David Letterman. If you’ve been following the news, you’ve probably heard that David Letterman told a moderately funny joke last week, which Sarah Palin took offence to because she thought it was about the statutory rape of her 14-year-old daughter. Which it probably wasn’t. And now, somewhat inevitably, it’s war.

So God help David Letterman when Sarah Palin becomes president. Because if she doesn’t get him, one of those flying pigs definitely will.

If we were David Letterman right now, we’d want to kiss Sarah Palin right on the face. We wouldn’t actually kiss her, obviously, for fear that being an incomprehensible knee-jerk dimwit was both contagious and spread by the passing of saliva, but we’d want to kiss her nonetheless.

Why? Because thanks to Sarah Palin and her willingness to peg herself to whatever diluted form of moral outrage she can, provided it means that she’s kept in the limelight for a few seconds longer, David Letterman is big business again. After Jay Leno left The Tonight Show last month, it was feared that David Letterman would have to fight even harder for viewers, since it meant going up against Conan O’Brien – a man who is actually funny rather than just smug and chinny.

But that hasn’t happened, and for that he can thank Sarah Palin’s preposterously over the top reaction to a joke he told last week, suggesting that one of her daughters might get knocked up by Alex Rodruiguez if they stayed in New York too long. While it seems pretty clear that Letterman was referring to Bristol Palin – the Palin daughter who has a proven track record of underage pregnancies – Sarah Palin took it as a reference to her 14-year-old daughter, who’s called Willow or Shrub or Moon or Biro or Plap or something.

And now, despite his multiple apologies, Sarah Palin is still spouting off in the wrong direction about statutory rape and what a great big victim she is, and now her supporters want to get David Letterman fired, as the LA Times reports:

“I’m glad he’s acknowledged we’re right,” said John Ziegler, a creator of the film “Media Malpractice: How Obama Got Elected and Palin Was Targeted”. “I think it’s a good first step in the right direction, but I don’t think it’s enough.” … Ziegler said he was not sure what sanction Letterman should face, but options should include suspension and firing. Meanwhile, the group is still planning a rally Tuesday outside the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York, where Letterman tapes his show.

It sounds like all of this is getting awfully messy on the surface, but let’s not kid ourselves. After all, everyone’s benefiting from this argument. David Letterman’s getting more attention than he’s had in years, Sarah Palin has been given another rock to cling onto before she inevitably blows away into obscurity forever, we get to make several tired old jokes about Sarah Palin and Jay Leno in the space of a single post – and you?

Well, you get to leave a bunch of ill-informed, borderline illiterate comments that would appear to have been written by actual children below. What are you waiting for? It’s what you lot do best.

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Remember Levi Johnston? Of course you do. He’s the man who knocked Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter up that time. It was hilarious.

You remember. Sarah Palin was all like “I want to be vice president because anyone who has sex before marriage should be burnt to death as a prostitute” and Sarah Palin’s daughter was all like “Hey, my water just broke” and Levi Johnston was all like “Oops” and Sarah Palin was all like “Why I oughta…” Again, hilarious.

Anyway, Levi Johnston is in this month’s GQ holding a baby with his top off. Lord alone knows why.

Well well, this is quite the week for hormonal, slightly conservative girls with woefully misplaced affections, isn’t it? First Robert Pattinson decides to take his top off and now Levi Johnston has done exactly the same thing. At this rate it’s only a matter of time before we get to see Jonas midriff. It’s just like that specialist DVD we rented the other week; Boys Who Ostensibly Promote Pre-Marital Abstinence Gone Wild.

But anyway, back to the point in hand. You remember Levi Johnston. His careless impregnation of Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter was the only thing that lost Sarah Palin her shot at becoming the vice president of American. Well, that and her obvious lack of qualifications, love of shooting wolves from a helicopter with a machine gun, inexplicable belief that man and dinosaur lived together 6,000 years ago and total inability to speak in any recognisable form of English. But mainly the Levi Johnston thing.

Anyway, now that Sarah Palin has spectacularly blown her chances of ever holding a serious place in office again, Levi Johnston can get on with his simplistic, bemulletted, hunting-and-hockey-filled life. He doesn’t have to marry Bristol Palin for the sake of good public image any more, so the wedding’s off. And he doesn’t need to not gratuitously take his top off and clutch a baby for an interview with GQ magazine, so that, um, isn’t what he hasn’t done.

Fortunately the interview wasn’t as laser-focused on Levi Johnston’s areolae as the accompanying pictures. The interview was more about how Sarah Palin’s husband promised to buy Bristol a car if she broke up with Levi, as the New York Daily News reports:

In the magazine’s July issue, Johnston said First Dude Todd Palin, the governor’s husband, offered to buy Bristol a new car if she would dump him. “I know that her parents didn’t want us together. I really don’t think they did. So they probably put a little pressure on her. But at the same time, they told us they wanted us to get married when they found out Bristol was pregnant.”

But still, however sad it is that he appears to have lost Bristol Palin at her parents’ behest, at least we’ve got Levi Johnston now. He belongs to all of us, and we’re looking forward to reading his inevitable book about his experiences, just as soon as he’s realised that pens aren’t exclusively used to stab caribou in the jugular with.

We won’t hold our breath.

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So here’s a brief recap. Sarah Palin was the woman who would have become vice-president of America, if only a) she wasn’t colossally stupid, b) her main hobby didn’t involved blasting holes in the side of reindeers with a shotgun and c) her teenage daughter Bristol hadn’t got knocked up by a redneck at an inopportune moment.

And now it’s been revealed that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, the father of her illegitimate baby, have split up. Please respond with the appropriate ambivalence.

Forget the economic meltdown and everyone losing their jobs, what really sucks about 2009 is that there just aren’t as many pregnant teenagers as there were last year. True, Octomom’s doing her bit – if you divide her age by the number of babies she’s had then technically she’s a two-year-old – but there just isn’t the same visceral thrill that you get when a teenage girl accidentally gets pregnant with a baby she’s not capable of looking after.

And that goes double when their parents are trying to paint themselves as religious pillars of virtue. It’s what happened when Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant and ruined her mother’s shot at writing a parenting guide, and it’s what happened when underage Bristol Palin got pregnant and ruined her mother Sarah Palin’s shot at becoming the vice-president of America.

Well, if we’re being accurate, the pregnancy and the fact that Sarah Palin would have obviously been a terrible vice-president ruined her shot at becoming vice-president. And the fact that her speaking voice makes her sound like a surprised penguin having a stroke. But you get the idea.

Still, at least Bristol Palin was engaged to Levi Johnston, the hockey-playing redneck father of her baby. So, no matter what happened to its family politically, the baby would be brought up in a secure, loving home by two people who were utterly devoted to each other.

Except, you guessed it, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have decided to split up. AP reports:

Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, the teenage daughter of Gov. Sarah Palin, have broken off their engagement, he said Wednesday, about 2 1/2 months after the couple had a baby. Johnston, 19, told The Associated Press that he and 18-year-old Bristol Palin mutually decided “a while ago” to end their relationship. He declined to elaborate as he stood outside his family’s home in Wasilla, about 40 miles north of Anchorage.

Oh, like any of this matters now. It’s not like Sarah Palin is ever going to hold a role in senior government ever again, so it’s not really a big deal if Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston split up or stay together or both turn gay or announce that the moment their baby was born they swatted it into a ceiling fan with a tennis racquet. In fact, we don’t even know why this is news.

Oh, wait. Yes we do. It’s because it’s funny.

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Now whenever hecklerspray votes for things like this we take it all very seriously. We carefully balance the pros and cons of each party’s candidate, and then typically write-in the name Shamu in whatever space is given for that sort of thing. So far our candidate hasn’t won, which is dumb because orcas are supposed to be wicked smart. C’mon people, its time for a change.

If we were French Canadian we might go about political things differently. Yes, if we were French Canadian we might make our voting-decision by actually talking to each candidate in person over the phone, after we somehow received their actual phone numbers.

That’s what a couple of DJs from up there just did. And, although we never thought we’d say this about anything French Canadian except the overall culture, its actually pretty funny. Take a listen on page #2.

Let’s just skip to the goods, shall we? Sarah Palin just got pranked by some Canadian morning radio show. They called her, her assistant answered, and then handed the phone to Palin herself.

All Headline News describes things:

“Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin’s prank call by Quebec comedy duo The Masked Avengers has amassed millions of listens online. In the call, the comedy team pose as French President Nicolas Sarkozy and make references to sex with his wife, the joy of killing animals, and Hustler’s pornographic spoof of the governor….In the prank call, Palin tells the fake President that they should go hunting together. “Well, I think we could have a lot of fun together while we’re getting work done,” she says. “Kill two birds with one stone that day.”"

Now we could go on about the whole thing and tell you about how funny the thing is, but its French Canadian, so its really pretty mediocre, kinda like how Montreal is mediocre. Anyway – have a listen.

It’s got its moments.

Because, honestly, we know that it’s an important election and all, but it’s turned everyone into stupid screeching partisan bellends. And Exhibit A would be this – at a Sarah Palin rally in Florida yesterday, people not only let Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View screech on witlessly about politics for 10 entire minutes, but they also actually clapped her at the end.

It just goes to show how much trouble the Republican campaign is in – it’s clear they just let Elisabeth Hasselbeck shriek her worldview to a crowd so that Sarah Palin would look marginally more intelligent in comparison. Let’s hope it worked, because it’s literally impossible to pander to the lowest common denominator any more than that. Well, unless someone gives Jessica Simpson a call, but who’d want that?

You know what’s naused up this election for us? Famous people. It’s a scientifically-proven fact that at any given moment in time, upwards for 50 celebrities are screaming their newfound political opinions, either on TV or in magazines or on the internet or spinning around in their garden like a toddler on E-numbers. The other day we saw a video of Ron Howard shaving his beard off for Barack Obama and it genuinely made us want to throw ourselves off a bridge.

What we’re trying to say is this – if we wanted to hear the political opinions of a badly-educated jumped-up egotistical nincompoop with epic delusions of grandeur, we’d go and stand in front of a mirror for half an hour.

By and large, celebrity endorsement ahead of the election seems to have fallen on the side of Barack Obama, with many of them even complaining if John McCain uses one of their songs. But now it’s time to turn the tide, and the Republicans have got a mighty trick up their sleeves. She might not be as famous as, say, Matt Damon, but this little lady is 10 times as loud, and pound for pound is about 30 times more of an idiot than just about anyone who’s allowed to go on TV. Ladies and gentlemen, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Everyone knows how much of a fierce conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck is, because of the skin-melting velocity in which she bellows about it every single morning on The View. Her opinions are so strong that people are guessing that she’ll either quit The View or die of a horrible aneurysm at some point before the election unless something gives.

Neither will probably happen now, though, because yesterday something gave. For some reason that we don’t think we’ll ever understand, the Republican party yesterday let Elisabeth Hasselbeck introduce Sarah Palin at a rally in Florida. And it was like lancing a boil. A big screeching boil that burst in a frequency that only bats can understand and quite often didn’t really seem to know what it was talking about. Oh, go on then, here’s the video…

Did you manage to get all the way through that? Us neither. After about four minutes it started to make us feel like we were trapped inside a metal cave full of piercing rape alarms and screaming babies and we had to abort.

Still, though, at least we know why everyone else on The View constantly tries to shut Elisabeth Hasselbeck up now. We’ve never felt such gratitude towards Whoopi Goldberg.

This week? We don’t know what to say. Seriously, people … we’ve got nothing. Other than to say this is the oddest thing we have ever linked to. Ever.

Just watch.

It was Stu Heritage and Chris Laverty screaming in unison because they simultaneously dreamt that Madonna’s wrinkled old lady hands were wrapping around their throats with the full intent of murder. Needless to say the lights stayed on the rest of the night, and that Holiday song was taken off of subliminal repeat.

Incidentally, their joined screams were rather beautiful together – would anybody have guessed that Stu is a tenor? Well he really is.

Sarah Palin may know what it’s like to lie awake nights with the constant fear of Madonna hobbling into her room like an old lady and whacking her with a cane until her collarbone breaks or something – because Madge has continued her onstage assault of her, recently announcing she’s going to kick the Governor’s ‘ass.’

If we were gonna pay to see a celebrity fight it would be one where Denise Richards had to fight a hungry anaconda. Richards would get num-chucks and trampolines to work with, and the snake would get a machete. It’d be a good match. We’d pay $20. Just something to think about Pay-Per-View – Act now while Richards is still unemployed.

Until that Hollywood fight-fantasy comes true, unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for Madonna physically assaulting America’s possible #2 in charge. As previously reported, Madonna has already banned Sarah Palin from her concerts, but now ol’ gap-tooth threatened to, you know. During a concert she  said as much. Here’s some specifics from MTV.com:

“The pop icon, in the midst of her Sticky & Sweet Tour, continues to keep politics center stage, launching an impromptu campaign against the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, during shows in New York and New Jersey last week. Madonna first banned the governor from the tour. In between sets, she screamed, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party! Sarah Palin can’t come to my show!” As the week progressed, Madonna even threatened to “kick her ass.”"

Big words from an adoptive mother with ugly hands, poor acting ability and who’s recently decided that marriage is for people who don’t want to boink everyone the world over.

Our words, not hers.

For the record, after she said she’s gonna beat up Palin for not moving or something, the singer said it’s “nothing personal, I love her soul.” Pretty weird, really. It gets weirder.

Half a verse into Like a Virgin Madonna stopped, raised her clutched hand to the rafters and said:

“This I swear – one day I shall make Sarah Palin’s down syndrome baby mine! I will raise it to a life of politics, and then finance it’s eventual run for presidency on the Democratic ballot. Only then will I rest. Only then will I find solace and reprieve!”

Well that is just the strangest thing we have ever heard Madonna say with her own lips that nobody made up especially not us. We wouldn’t lie like that – it’s not in our nature. It’s not usually in our nature. It’s in our nature but we didn’t lie this time.

Believe what you will.

Now please enjoy a video of Madonna influencing voters in a way that only 50 year old arm-flab can:

And, as such, we’re fully expecting Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to be inconsolable now that Madonna has decided to ban her from her concerts. According to reports, Madonna told her New Jersey audience on Saturday that Sarah Palin wasn’t welcome at any of her shows.

But Sarah Palin isn’t called Sarah Barracuda for nothing, and so she’s gone on the counter-attack. Madonna doesn’t want to see Sarah Palin at any of her concerts? Fine – but if we were Madonna we wouldn’t be expecting an invitation for Sarah Palin’s next ’shoot a wolf from a helicopter and saw off its leg for the bounty’ party. Your loss, Madonna. Your loss.

Well, famous people, you’ve finally done it now. Thanks to all your meddling – all your intense interviews and sort of spinning around in the garden tantrums – you’ve finally done it good and proper. John McCain has never been so far behind in the election polls, and that means Sarah Palin will never get to be president of America. We hope you’re proud.

What’s Sarah Palin going to do now? Without all the razzle dazzle of an election campaign, things are going to get awfully boring for Sarah Palin. There are only so many times you can field dress a moose before you run out of moose to field dress, and things could even get so dull that Sarah Palin might have to resort to making sure her teenage daughter doesn’t have any more unprotected sex for entertainment. Boring!

But of course there’s one thing that Sarah Palin could do to relieve her boredom – she could go to a Madonna concert. Sure, Madonna’s not really Sarah’s kind of music, and all that pretending to be Jesus thing is sort of icky, but if she’s got nothing better to do then, doggone it, what’s she got to lose?

Except Sarah Palin can’t go a Madonna concert. Ever. Because Madonna has decided to ban her from all of her concerts ever. She even said so herself, as the New York Post reports:

At one point during the US kickoff of her “Sticky and Sweet” tour at the Meadowlands Saturday night, the Material Mom indulged her Republican-hating ways, shouting, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party. Sarah Palin can’t come to my show. It’s nothing personal.” Then the kabbalah queen told the crowd, “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s husband’s snowmobile when it won’t start,” followed by a loud screeching noise.

Brilliant. In fact, we’d even go as far as to say that Madonna should give up this music lark and take her ‘impressions of things that Sarah Palin owns when they malfunction’ tour on the road full-time. We’d love to hear all the old classics like “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s washing machine when it won’t work – bombabombabomba,” or “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin trying to put on a shoe that’s too small for her – ick-ick-ick-ick-ick,” or the enduring favourite “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s TV breaking down in the middle of Desperate Housewives – YARRRR!”

But, whatever, Sarah Palin can’t go to Madonna’s concert. Big deal. Sarah Palin is far too much of a lady to pay to watch a 50-year-old woman desperately try and recapture her youth by singing a number of generic popsongs with her vagina hanging out.

Now, if that vagina had wolves hanging out of it and Sarah Palin had a shotgun and a helicopter – different story altogether.

You might not realise it, but it’s true. Look at Lindsay Lohan – she definitely thinks so. Earlier this week Lindsay was blogging her little freckles off about mean old Sarah Palin, and now she’s decided to host a number of events for her candidate of choice, Barack Obama.

Trouble is, Barack Obama would rather dip his balls in acid than let Lindsay Lohan even begin to help him out, and his people have turned all of her offers down. But don’t worry, because Lindsay Lohan has put the snub behind her and moved onto bigger and better things. Well, maybe not bigger. And better’s a slight exaggeration. But things. Definitely things.

Staring into the middle distance and cultivating a staggering lack of self-awareness still counts as a thing, doesn’t it? Good.

Hey everyone, remember Barack Obama? He was the man who was going to be president once. We don’t really know what happened to him, though. He sort of disappeared from view at the exact same time that Sarah Palin popped up and captured everyone’s heart with her adorable pregnant teenage daughter and equally adorable crackpot Creationist viewpoint.

Well, news has reached us that Barack Obama is still running for president. It’s just that everyone’s been too sidetracked trying to pay attention to what Meg Ryan and Pamela Anderson think of Sarah Palin to notice.

Not that Barack Obama should worry, though, because he’s still got one dyed-in-the-wool superfan left. It’s just a shame that that fan is Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan has really been swept up by this whole election thing – one minute she’s writing semi-coherent outpourings about Sarah Palin on her blog and the next she’s considering going naked for Playboy which technically hasn’t got anything to do with the election but we just thought we’d mention it anyway – and she wants to do all she can to help make Barack Obama the next president of America.

Now, realistically the best thing that Lindsay Lohan could do to help Barack Obama do anything is go outside, dig a big hole in the garden, climb into the hole and stay there in silence until the middle of November, but that’s not really Lindsay Lohan’s style.

Instead, Lindsay offered to hold several events for Barack Obama. And, in response, Barack Obama sort of puffed out his cheeks and refused to make eye contact until Lindsay shuffled away. Fox reports:

The trouble-prone actress offered to host a series of events aimed at younger voters, but the Democratic presidential candidate’s camp wasn’t interested… Lohan ”is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be a positive for us,” a top source on the Obama team told the paper.

Of course, Barack Obama is completely right here. The moment he lets Lindsay Lohan go out and rally for him, he’s in her pocket. Next thing you know president Obama will keep having to deal with Lindsay Lohan ringing him up and asking him why he, like, doesn’t make the paparazzi illegal because she was totally just in Starbucks and this guy came up to her and was all like “Let me take your photo” all up in her face and shit and it made her sad.

It’s just a shame that Barack Obama had to turn Lindsay Lohan down, though. With a bit more foresight he could have seen all the potential locked up inside her. After all, she knows nothing about politics but can happily bang on about it for hours, she’s pretty but not as pretty as she seems to think she is, she’s slowly becoming more and more of a global joke and nobody in their right mind would ever take anything she says even slightly seriously.

Forget letting her run events, Barack Obama should have named Lindsay Lohan as his vice president. It’s done wonders for the other guy.

That’s because, for once, we understand why. When other actors started ragging on Sarah Palin, it was because they were cynically trying to prove that they’re not just moronic overpaid puppets with nice hair. But now Meg Ryan has decided to express her opinion on Sarah Palin, and her rationale for doing so comes from a much purer place.

Don’t you see? Meg Ryan is only trying to jump in on Sarah Palin because she just wants everyone to remember that she actually exists. It’s OK Meg Ryan, we remember. You can go now.

Let’s play a game. It’s a good game that we’ve just invented. It’s called The Next Person To Even Mention Sarah Palin Gets Kicked In The Jaw.

Because, dear God celebrities, we get it. We get that Sarah Palin is a clueless-looking redneck who perpetually lives in the dark, often huddles inside moose entrails for warmth and thinks that Earth was created last Wednesday by a robot with a beard. We get it because you haven’t bloody shut up about it for the last few weeks.

In a way, it proves what a divisive figure Sarah Palin is – the last time Diddy and Matt Damon and Pamela Anderson and Lindsay Lohan spoke out about the same subject it was because the valet service at Nobu can be dreadfully slapdash at times – but, in another way, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

However, having said that, if there’s one female celebrity who we’ll allow to have an opinion on Sarah Palin it’s Meg Ryan. That’s because Meg Ryan genuinely hasn’t had an opinion about anything since she was ostracised from Hollywood for having it off with Russell Crowe behind Dennis Quaid’s back and then getting some weird surgery done on her face to made her mouth look like a kind of disgusting fleshy Ikea shelving unit.

So, without any further ado, here’s Meg Ryan’s staggering profound take on Sarah Palin:

“I guess we have to root for her in that her son just went off to Iraq, that’s gotta be really, really tough. But she doesn’t represent my politics at all.”

What? Christ, no wonder you’re not famous any more, Meg Ryan. That hardly makes it seem as if you hate Sarah Palin at all. Didn’t you get the memo? You’re allowed to either hate Sarah Palin with every fibre of your body or dance around in a stetson firing a gun into the sky and crying at Toby Keith songs. That statement? Well, it’s neither. What a completely pointless thing for you to say.

Of course, it helps that Meg Ryan has a new movie, The Women, out. We haven’t bothered to find out what The Women is actually about, but that’s only because it’s called The Women and we assumed it’s about ironing and curtains and periods and stuff. We’re sure it’s very good.

Maybe banging on about Sarah Palin is Meg Ryan’s way to prove that she’s still alive. You know, like Osama bin Laden sometimes does when he releases a new tape and discusses the weather or the last episode of Friends or Cat Deeley’s new haircut just to make sure that everyone knows it’s recent.

Maybe Meg Ryan only mentioned Sarah Palin during promotion for The Women so people wouldn’t think that it was made in the early 1990s. Because, let’s be honest, that’s realistically when it seems like a comedy drama about rich women slowly gaining their independence starring Meg Ryan, Annette Bening and Bette Midler should have been made, isn’t it.

Well, yes, it turns out that Lindsay Lohan is actually an expert on politics as well, which explains why she’s written a 640-word essay on the subject of Sarah Palin on her MySpace page. Well it’s not so much of an essay, more a sort of rehash of general criticism made against Sarah Palin by intelligent and thoughtful people, but translated from English into knuckleheaded idiot.

But still, now that Lindsay Lohan has joined the ranks of celebrities with the weird compulsion to broadcast their views on Sarah Palin to the world, we’ve almost got a complete set. Just Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, Peter Simon from Run The Risk and Skeletor to go and finally we’ll be able to make an informed decision about the woman.

There’s been a weird compulsion in the celebrity world to publicly berate Sarah Palin lately, and it’s utterly dumbfounding. Of all the people who you’d expect to support Sarah Palin, it’s celebrities.

After all, Sarah Palin wants to ban books from schools, which would clearly give kids more time to watch a load of really cool kickass movies. Sarah Palin believes that dinosaurs and humans once coexisted, the line that Hollywood has churned out in every movie from One Million Years BC to Ice Age. And Sarah Palin seems to have been given a role of bewildering authority despite her apparent lack of intellect just because she looks quite nice. Really, she couldn’t be more like a celebrity if she tried.

But that hasn’t stopped all the celebrities from rounding on Sarah Palin, either by openly questioning her experience or by querying the amount of crackheads in Alaska or by yelping “Suck it!” at her like a puddle of bad-tempered Fanta.

But all that was just the warm-up for the main event. All this talk of Sarah Palin recently has roused one of the most mighty brains in Hollywood into action. A brain so powerful that scientists recently declared climate change to be completely down to the amount of heat it generates every time it thinks. That’s right – Lindsay Lohan has waded in on the Sarah Palin issue.

What’s more, Lindsay Lohan has decided to discuss Sarah Palin on her MySpace page, the exact location where she’s also tackled weighty issues such as ‘How my dad, like, totally sucks‘ and ‘Stop talking about my sister’s boobs you gross perverts‘. So, Professor Lohan, the floor is yours:

I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin… Is it a sin to be gay? Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?… Hmmmm-All of this gets me going-Fear, Anxiety, Concern, Disappointment, and Stress come into play… Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe?

Hint Hint Pali Pal- Don’t pose for anymore tabloid covers, you’re not a celebrity, you’re running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!

Lindsay Lohan also hit out at Sarah Palin’s pro-life stance during her rant, adding that females have earnt the right to do whatever they want with their bodies. And she’s absolutely right – females should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies. They can put alcohol in their bodies if they want, or drugs, or use their bodies to go driving around loaded up on alcohol or drugs until they crash, or they can house a man’s genitalia in a part of their body while he takes a photo of it. It’s their right, Sarah Palin. Why don’t you understand that?

This is such a quandary. We really don’t know who to dislike most here – Sarah Palin or Lindsay Lohan. They both appear to be some way off the Gonkish Dipshit chart, which is why we propose a brain-off between the pair of them to settle the matter once and for all.

Not a debate – we’re going to be sick of those in the next few weeks – but an actual brain-off where we fire Sarah Palin and Lindsay Lohan head-first out of cannons at each other with no helmet. The person whose brain gets splattered across the greater radius on impact wins. Deal?