Sometimes it’s hard for pop artists, isn’t it? When Britney feared she was becoming irrelevant, she reached for the bottle labelled “substep” and shaved her head, while J-Lo’s relative obscurity in recent years was remedied by a genuinely insulting and lazy attempts at songs about dancing and drinking too much.

But nothing keeps a musician relevant like an assault charge and an addiction now, does it?

Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud announced today, just after a story about her and boyfriend Theo de Vries kicking lumps out of each other came out this week, that the couple met in rehab for their respective drinking problems. Now, it’s not that we’re taking a pop at recovering addicts and victims of domestic abuse. Far from it. In fact, you go, girl!

The, er, blonde one from the pop group is facing charges of assault after a particularly violent row with said boyfriend on holiday in Austria.

When they should have been skiing, eating Muesli together or enjoying the work of pioneering Austrian filmmaker Sascha Kolowrat (thanks, Wikipedia), they were emptying mini-bars to avoid temptation, but eventually sneaked in some wine and everything ended up ‘a bit Tekken’.

Obviously, domestic abuse is never funny, but it could be just the thing to revive Girls Aloud and Harding’s personal stock.

Look at history: when noted feminist Dr Dre had a hilarious misunderstanding with a female American rapper and “television personality” Dee Barnes in 1991, it didn’t affect his bad-boy image, and he went on to redefine hip-hop. Chris Brown took issue with ex-girlfriend Rihanna, and look at him now; his fan base is unflinchingly loyal (to a genuinely terrifying extent). Harding can even look at her pal Cheryl Tweedy/Cole/Whatever, who went from abuser of toilet attendants to national treasure in less than 5 years. It just works.

So it’s not all bad, Sarah. Just switch to Ribena and stop hanging out with dickheads, and you could be a talent judge in a few years’ time! Great!

This was a guest article by Euan L Davidson who is planning on assaulting as many people as possible in a bid to become the next Joe Swash or something.

Sarah Harding, or the blonde one from Girls Aloud, has spent the last wee while in rehab. Did you know that?

No, neither did we.

Is it that no-one told us or simply that the admission of a celebrity to rehab has become so commonplace that we now spend more time focussing on what Daniel O’Donnell’s up to. He’s nice. Grans like Daniel O’Donnell.

Sarah Harding doesn’t though. She thinks he’s boring and once interrupted a West

London club night to go on a forty-five minute tirade about how he was “dull” and that he should give her all of his doubloons. Yes, Ms. Harding had well and truly lost her shit.

After splitting from DJ boyfriend Tom Crane the Girls Aloud star seemed to hit rock bottom and with her angry tirade against “clean-cut bastard” O’Donnell, those closest to her told her that she should probably check into rehab before she was burned at the stake by a procession of furious Grandmothers.

Last week reports claimed that Harding and Crane (not a Law Firm) had decided to have another go at resurrecting their relationship, with Crane (a big O’Donnell fan) said to have forgiven Harding for her furious outbursts.

A friend, or someone from her PR company, told the Sunday Mirror:

“They’ve been in regular contact throughout her time away but only on the phone. They’ve spoken most days and it seems like they could have a chance of giving it another shot. She still loves Tommy… she’s just not sure if things can get back to where they were.”

Isn’t that nice? Harding will be back in the UK to celebrate her 30th birthday and it is thought that her loving family have bought her a private show with the Irish singer. Lucky, lucky girl.

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Run! Hide! Duck for cover! Geri Halliwell’s womb is on the prowl and it demands that one of you penis owning plebs puts some swimmers up there to enable her to have a baby, which she’ll cradle and whisper sinisterly to it ’til it runs away from home aged 15.

See, Ginger Spice has split up from boyfriend Henry Beckwith because of his partying lifestyle. Beckwith wants to party like it’s 1999 and Geri wants to sit down like it’s 1957.

And because they were both stuck in different years, the ‘singer’ decided to end their two year relationship. She wants babies. He wants Babycham. It wasn’t ever going to work was it?

Beckwith has an aristocratic name, which is handy because he is indeed a stinking blueblood. For a man who loves to par-tay (he probably says that and not in an ironic way), he was noticeably absent from Geri’s 39th (who is she kidding?) birthday shindig over the weekend, and it appears that it’s all over.

How will we cope? A source, joining in the misery, says:

“Geri came to the realisation that things weren’t going to work with Henry. The age gap meant he had a wandering eye when it came to other women and he was interested in partying. She doesn’t trust him.”

So Beckwith wants sex, fast and loose and Geri wants a brother or sister for four year old daughter Bluebell Madonna, who has the most unfortunate name indeed.

Geri has said in the past:

“I do love being a mum, although I have to say I feel like I am more in my element now that Bluebell is a bit older. I’m enjoying this stage more than the baby part of it because I can interact with Bluebell. It’s great having a daughter.”

See? Babies are rubbish. Todders are king.

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Sarah Harding has ‘finally’ admitted she has had lip fillers, in a move that has left us feeling as violently disinterested as we are unshocked. But hey, we’ve got pages to fill and mouths to feed, so on we trudge with the inevitable succession of self-consciously acerbic and needlessly vitriolic words.

Thank Christ for thesauruses, that’s all we’ll say.

If you don’t know who Ms Harding is, she’s of some time girl-band-singing-about-love-machines fame (they mean their fannies) and oft time going-out-on-the-razzle-dazzle fame (drinking shitloads of Barcardi Breezers – the half sugar ones, obvs – and trying not to flash aforementioned fanny at the paps), or if you prefer, she was in Girls Aloud. So, what’s this about her plump lips?

Well, Harding admitted that:

“It’s not something I’m going to be trying again, or anything I would recommend to anyone else. But yeah, around Christmas I got a little bit experimental and decided to have some fillers in my lips. Clearly that was a big mistake.”

Ah, celebs getting experimental. It’s an interesting move and one that begs the question, why would you decide to experiment on your FACE? By pumping some stuff into it that makes you look like the love child of Jordan and one of the Riddlers (who, rumour has it, is next on the hit list of the terrifying machine of tits and tabloid tales that is Katie Price)? Has the woman never heard of Lesley Ash (God rest her face)?

See Harding’s hilarious lips here.

We suggest that, in future, if the urge for experimentation creeps up on her again, like an unexpected pap who you could never reasonably expect to be lurking outside The Ivy or ChinaWhite as you elegantly stumble outside following an evening of delightful entertainment and hours spent powdering your nose, Sarah tries experimenting with her musical direction. By having some for example. Or simply by improving, if improvement on pure genius is even possible, on such lyrical brilliance as “Let’s go, Eskimo, Out into the blue”. (Racist overtones there, but we won’t open up that can of toilet attendant-shaped worms just yet).

As the lady herself says:

‘I’ve always said I’ll try anything once, but I’ve definitely learned my lesson now.

‘I think it’s very easy to go too far.’

So much innuendo, so little point. You can simply imagine she’s referring to all sorts of grot there by using your very own brains.

You disgust us.

Right, we’re off to experiment with some pig fat from a Ginsters pork pie and a needle we found in the bathroom bin. Kim Kardishan arse cheeks here we come…

This was a guest post by Leah Kayles who can have you in a fight and you can read more of her obviously amazing words at SmellMyCheese

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For most singers, starting off your pop career in front of creepy Louis Walsh, Geri ‘I will kill you in your sleep’ Halliwell and a mentally masturbating Pete Waterman, would be professional suicide and probably quite traumatic, but for Sarah Harding the rest of Girls Aloud it actually worked out pretty well for them.

They wore some make-up, made some not-too-terrible pop tunes and gave a generation of drooling men another reason to work their palms with an uncontrollable fervour.

Until one day they decided to concentrate on other important and exciting projects like getting divorced, making pasty make-up for pasty girls and of course falling out of nightclubs, absolutely slaughtered.

Sarah Harding was always the best at this and when she wasn’t shoving her boob filled bra in our faces she was brilliant and being all ‘lairy’ and applying fake tan with her eyes closed.

Then one day she decided to sober up, dye her hair black and marry that DJ fella Tom Crane for reasons we couldn’t care less about. Love or something.

He said:

‘I pulled the ring out of my pocket, which I was amazed she hadn’t spotted because it was in a big old box – got on one knee and asked her to marry me’

Insert ‘is that a ring in your pocket’ or do you just have a really oddly shaped DJ penis? joke here.

So everyone came to the gothic themed party, apparently inspired by that rubbish  Black Swan film, where no-one was actually remotely gothic. Or swanny. Or psychotic. And even Cheryl Cole didn’t bother her arse to turn up and look bored or go on about her divorce again.

Hmph.

For the love of god, someone buy that woman some peroxide and a pint of gin.

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The process of a pop group disbanding is very similar to the gradual disintegration of a once-wonderful love affair.

It starts with a few missed appointments, then a couple of sudden solo holidays, followed by dates with other people, startling weight loss on your part, thanks to an inability to hold down food. Then eventually you’re left in a metaphorical sand-holding situation, in which the sand represents your love, and yet it appears to be flowing through your fingers at an ever-quickening rate.

Eventually, in your heightened state of mania, you notice that the sand has gone. There’s nothing there. It’s over. And rather embarrassingly, your partner has moved on, and appears to be actually marrying someone else. When did all of that happen?

Anyway, all of this leads completely seamlessly to the popular all-girl group, Girls Aloud. In egg timer terms, the consensus this week is that time is running out – over 50 per cent of them are going solo, and four of them are really bloody thin. Basically, it’s finished. So what next for these glamorous young women? Read on and you’ll find out…Cheryl Tweedy/Cole

Don’t be fooled into thinking that Cheryl Cole is going to go stratospheric. Yes, she’s the first one out of the traps, but remember the tale of the hare and the tortoise? To refresh your memory, about twelve years ago a talking hare challenged a local tortoise to a race, and the tortoise won! That’s about all we can remember. Anyway, the moral of the story is that Cheryl Cole might just be a talking hare dressed up as a woman. Or it might be ‘don’t challenge tortoises to a race’. To be honest, what that analogy actually means, no one knows.  But take heed, Cheryl! Take big heed.

Sarah Harding

Sarah Harding, you might remember, is also a wonderful actress. She’s been in everything from St Trinian’s to St Trinian’s II: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold. In between each tour du force, she appeared as an over-acting woman scorned in a television film about the credit crunch. If the brief were ‘be a really bad actress’, then she should have got a BAFTA. As it is, once the girls go their separate ways, she can squodge all twelve of her lovely fingers into as many pies as possible. Acting – check. Singing – check. Presenting – check. A reality television programme – check… you probably get the gist of this.

Nadine Coyle

If there is going to be a Gary Barlow/Robbie Williams style face-off, then this will be it. In group terms, Coyle is lead singer/king, but when it comes to Simon Cowell career endorsement, Cole is on the front foot. History dictates that Nadine will need to rely on a mixture of raw talent and fluctuating weight loss to come out on top here, and she’s already cleverly ticked one of those boxes. Plus, word has it that she’s done some work with William Orbit, and everyone knows that he’s cooler than a carton of smokey joes sitting atop a leather jacket. One to watch.

Ginger One

For those who don’t know, the flame-haired one actually has a name – she’s called Nicola Roberts or something. And, in real life, away from the spotlight, Nicola has been busily attempting to create a make-up range specifically for girls whose skin starts to bubble and ooze the very minute they come in contact with the sun. The word on the street is that what this lady doesn’t know about make-up probably isn’t worth knowing. An expert on eye smudge, cheek paints, colourful lip marmite, and the rest. A businesswoman.

The other one

Yes, there is another one. In this case, that other one is Kimberly Walsh. Her role in the band – to mime and look pretty. You see, unfortunately for Kimberly, when the good Lord was crafting her voice box, he/she became muddled, and put in that of a Yorkshire farmer. Hence, when she sings, she sounds a bit like someone from Emmerdale Farm clumsily impersonating Michael Jackson. A hunch suggests that somewhere in the north of England, a twenty-something stable boy entertains the cows at night with his startling Aguilera vocal renditions. No more singing/miming for Walsh. She’ll vanish.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from the effervescent Interestment

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Here, have a guest blog by Josh from Interestment…

There was a time, probably in the 1980s and 1990s, when having a celebrity girlfriend would make you the coolest guy in the world.

After all, look at famous people – they’re so wealthy, so demure, their hair is so light and feathery. And how about the way they smell! Is that Chanel No 5? Probably, we wouldn’t know, because we’re just rubbish normal people. We wear Lynx.

What great days, but unfortunately times have changed, and the lines between famous people and normal people have now completely blurred, meaning that even former pop stars like Kerry Katona can date cab drivers, and all the money in the world can’t possibly help that poor sneery one from Girls Aloud. With that in mind, we thought we’d outline some famous people we wouldn’t go out with, even if they were really really keen on us…

1. Duffy


Sorry Duffy, but it’s a no. It’s hard to correctly locate what it is about Duffy that makes her so unappealing as a life partner. It could be that she appears to be lying about her age. Or it could be that she has the look of a woman who would spend entire evenings clinging onto you for dear life, only occasionally pausing to weep because you went to the toilet for three minutes and she thought you might have left her. A friend of ours also insists that she looks like she’d have really bad morning breath… all day.

2. Sarah Harding

Afraid not, Sarah Harding. Far too laddy, were you to introduce her to your friends, she’d insist in calling everyone ‘geezer’, and might even think it’s alright to break wind in front of you. After only a couple of meetings, even your most loyal friends would make excuses if they knew Harding was going to be out as well. A very very annoying young woman/man.

3. Jennifer Aniston

Please, Aniston, no is no. If only Jennifer Aniston hadn’t been caught draped alarmingly over Brad Pitt, with the look in her eye of a protective lioness guarding her young. Chances are, were you ever to get together, she’d have a wire tap on your phone within a month, and strange men in shades talking into their lapels following your every move. It’s all out of love, she’d tell you, driving a bread knife right into your lungs. Avoid.

4. Britney Spears

Just leave it, Spears. No one in their right mind could possibly be drawn to Britney, once such a kindly, virginal young woman. Her descent into complete insanity has been well documented, meaning that every time you introduced her to someone new, you’d have to take them to one side to explain that she’s really fine now, quite together actually. Oh, and surprisingly funny… yeah, really funny. Unfortunately, not one of those things would be true. Too nuts.

This has been  guest blog by Josh Burt from the plain wonderful Interestment. If you don’t go and read it this second, you’re a fool.

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